If you could, please pray for my family and our M.

My counselor whom H and I are seeing independently says I still must forgive repentant H for some wrongs before we enter counseling jointly....but I'm having difficulty doing this. I want to forgive because I don't want to carry the anger and bitterness around with me anymore for fear that it will negatively affect my attitude toward my son and other people as well.

I have started meditating on Ephesians 4: 32-32. Specifically, I need to get to the point where I sincerely can tell my H I forgive him for what is still bothering me, namely:

1) $27K in concealed debts of his I discovered, piecemeal, over the summer.
2) the fact that he embezzled $5K of that from his company's Costco account. If this were ever discovered, it could actually be grounds for termination, thus, he risked his family's welfare on account of his spending addiction.
3) For the first time ever, I asked him to leave that night and he was at a friend's for a week. Then he called and asked if he could come home, and I said "yes", despite mixed feelings. The morning he came home he announced that he'd called to ask to come home because he had been looking through a newspaper at the time and was seriously considering taking money out of his credit union account and hiring a call girl advertised in the back of the paper. I do not deny him sex (in fact, my sex drive is greater than his and he's been on Viagra for a year!), so am particularly humiliated by this.

I am trusting that you will keep this in confidence.

Part of the reason it is hard to forgive is because I do not want to feel like a fool again should he repeat these actions, as is the case when living with an addict. I don't deserve the roller coaster sensation of trusting, then mistrusting, then trusting, mistrusting, etc...which has been going on for 11 out of our 11 years together. He needs healing for his addiction.

Addicts put their love for the object of their addiction ahead of the people in their lives. H confessed to our counselor that until just recently, in our marriage he has proportioned his quality time in this manner: job 70%, son 18%, hobbies 10%, W 2%. Up until last year, son was at 2%, job more at 85%.

I know that he loves me, but I don't look up to him at this time. I want some feeling of admiration for my husband to return to me...that I felt 11 years ago...a long time. But I understand it won't happen unless I forgive him first. I need to forgive totally and unconditionally. As I read recently, "Forgiveness doesn't mean you are denying having been hurt, but that you will no longer allow that one event or person negatively affect your life. So, ultimately, forgiveness is something you do for yourself."

Thank you in advance for your prayers for me and my family. God bless you, MBers.

--Suzy

Suzy,
To me, forgiveness is a process, a decision. This is not easy and requires a strong resolve and faith. It seems to me that your counselor is asking you to forgive on his/her terms and not your own. Forgive me if I have offended you, but I believe that once the decision has been made to forgive, you have resolved to let go. It may come slowly like a beautiful sunrise or a moving symphony, but it will not be on someone else's timetable.

I will pray that you will be helped by your counselling and move towards the process of forgiveness. Ladysing

Forgiveness and trust are two different things. Forgiving him does not mean you have to automatically trust him. I believe he must earn your trust once again after doing all this, and that is a process.
I am praying for you and your marriage.
God Bless!

Luvbug and Ladysing,

You both used the word "process" and you are both right.

I don't want to be depressed and angry anymore, so I have decided to forgive, but I do realize that trust is something different and that achieving trust after forgiving is a process that takes time. This is how I see the process: Forgiveness=respect=trust=love.

After one of my H's major "Love Busters", I shortly thereafter choose to forgive him, then slowly the respect returns as he continues to meet my other EN's, but--to be honest--the LB's have been so frequent and back-to-back that I never seem to get further than respect (which is brief), before something else comes up I must forgive, then the process starts all over again.

No, I don't trust him and I'm waiting for that to be earned so that I can feel love for him again. Through God's Grace, I'm hoping that I'll see the day.

Thank you for your prayers and your thoughts. --Suzy

You have my prayers also.