I am feeling quite blue, and I realized yesterday that tomorrow, the 16th would have been my ninth wedding aniversary. The divorce was final right after our 7th. My ex-husband has called me a couple of times in the last week regarding my health issues, and showing "concern". I have been praying and will fast tomorrow, after reading the enlightening posts regarding fasting. My ex-husband is presently in a relationship, I, on the other hand, am not, nor do I see myself in one anytime soon. I am 34, never had any children (would love a couple some day), and am blessed with so much. Just this broken marriage, and my overwhelming desire to have it back (a new and better one) with my ex-husband, is what deeply saddens me.
I hope and do have faith that the Lord will lead me, guide me , give me wisdom and discernment, for he knows what is best for me. Please include me in your prayers. For although, my "issues" pale in comparison to most others, this is quite difficult nonetheless, something all of us here understand.

I will support you in prayer and am writing your name on my marriage prayer list. You are not alone in this.

Be blessed! Know that you are being prayed for. Keep seeking the Lord as it sounds like you are doing. This will certainly be probably the most difficult time of your life, but in the end... however long it takes... you will be like gold! The Lord will not leave you or forsake you and He will bring you through this. He can do all things and He hears your prayers.

God bless!

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 05:10 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

I am not in the same situation, however on the 28th we will have been married 7 years, my wife and I decided on 4/1/03 not to get divorced and make it work. The past 4 months have been better however she is still resistant to any intimacy. Last night we had put the kids to bed and I asked her if I had been meeting her emotional needs and if I had become the husband she wanted, her response was Yes. She has told me that she loves me but that she is not ready for any intimacy. What do I am I suppose to think? I do not believe there is someone else. She is on Paxil and had post pardom real bad after our 2nd child. Help a husband who still loves his wife understand a woman's thoughts.

By her own admission you are now meeting her EN. Kudos to you! Now she needs to understand that its a two-way street and you have EN's also. She is making no effort even to meet you halfway. She is either in denial or using sex as a weapon. Are you folks in counseling? Have you spoken to her medical doctor? If she has a legitimate physical problem her withdrawal is understandable to a point, but if she has emotional problems get them out in the open and deal with them. Unless she is totally incapacitated her conduct is without excuse. Hang in there!

Thank you Love my Ex (I do too, by the way), and we really do have a lot in common. I really appreciate you putting my name on your prayer list, as that is what I need. The Lord has done such wonders in my life, just the fact that my ex-husband came back once, when I thought he never would. I had faith and kept praying and it was truly a miracle. I don't know what happened, and why it didn't work, we should have continued with Christian counceling, albiet we attended church together faithfully. You had said once that you needed Prayer-not advise. I guess, I need the same. Everyone tells me to move on, when my heart and soul say something different. The vows I took before the Lord meant something.
My heart goes out to you too, and I will pray too that the Lord will intervene on our behalves.
You and I both will be like gold! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Petrie

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Stillluvher (I like your name!),

Not knowing all the details, I think it's hard to advise you. I do believe that antidepressents cause a reduced sex drive though. You might find out about the side affects because I'm pretty sure that is one of them. Also, if she is taking Paxil, then she's been depressed, right? Often, when we are depressed, we don't have much drive or motivation for anything. It's also possible she maybe feels unattractive? If she just had a baby, maybe she has weight gain. She might feel ugly and embarrassed with you. Esp. also if your marriage has had problems, which it sounds as it has since you were almost divorcing.

There could be many things. I know it must be very hard for you to not be intimate with her, but mabye try to focus on just non-sexual touch with her right now. Most women have this need very strongly, for affection. Stroke her hair, hug her, hold her hand. In bed, just hold her or touch her, but not in sexual ways.

Here is an opportunity to sacrifice for your wife. You will have to, for a time perhaps, sacrifice your needs and desires for physical intimacy to meet her needs right now. And pray. Pray that God will help her with whatever she is struggling with and that she will desire to be with you physically.

There is probably fear, hurt, etc... many things. And, again, her hormones and the Paxil very well could have diminished her sex drive.

I can recommend a few books that I think might help you not only in understanding her, but also in helping your marriage come back from the brink of divorce.

Two are by Gary Smalley. One is called "Winning Your Wife Back Before It is Too Late." He does a good job explaining a wife's needs/thoughts, etc. You can order it online here: http://cave3.r5i.com/cgi-bin/catalogmgr/198081026136015400/browse/item/60314/28/0/0

Antoher one by him is called "If Only He Knew". You can order here: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...102-0125907-3550550?v=glance&s=books

Another is by James Dobson called, "What Wives Wished Their Husbands Knew About Women"

Hope that helps some!

still lov her - It may be the Paxil. I took that several years ago and it did the same to me. There are other medications that may be better suited for her. I will pray for you. I also highly recommend the book If He Only Knew by Gary Smalley. Awesome book! Just wish my husband would read it... God is working though.

LoveMyEx and Rejected, I'm praying for you.

Father in Heaven, I praise Your Holy Name. Lord forgive us of our trespasses and lead us not into temptation. Lord I know You are working on behalf of LoveMyEx and Rejected, Thank You Father for the things we may not be seeing that are happening. Lord You are almighty, You can do all things. We stand on the Promises of Your Word. Father, I come before You tonight to pray for these two lovely sisters who so much want to please You and restore their marriages. Father, I pray that You will place a wedge of discord between these two husbands and the women they are 'engaged' to. Reveal Your truth to them, Father, show them the promises of Your word in Malachi that You hate divorce. Father please open their eyes to the sin of adultery, lead them out of that temptation. Lead them to the Cross, Lord. Bring them back into the fold, Lord. Father, please do whatever it takes to turn these two husbands' hearts back to You first then to their wives, the wives of their youth. Lord reveal Your Word to them, I pray their hearts, minds, and souls will be continually focused on You. Let these two husbands' souls have a deep, unquenchable thirst for You and the things of the Lord. Lord, thank You for the miracles You are performing. Thank You Lord for answering our prayers, Thank You Father for all You do for us. I praise You for these restored marriages, in Jesus name. AMEN Keep pressing on ladies!

Thank you so much Alcoholics Wife. Your prayer is beautiful. God bless you.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 05:14 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Thank you all for helping me. I have been trying the non-sexual approach and it seems to help sometimes. My youngest child is about to turn 3. I was reading that in order for her to hopefully come out of this withdrawal I have to be a good roommate. This is what is hard for me, since I saw the light and made the effort to not lose my family back in April. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride. No infidelity, just two people from different backgrounds. I guess that it is my turn to be the giver and her the taker. The challenge is that on 9/28 we celebrate 7 years of marriage. What do I get her without it being too much considering the circumstances? I thank you all again and look forward to any guidance. Have an unbelievable day.

LoveMyX - Thanks for your kind words. I will keep praying for you and for Rejected.

Regarding the Paxil, it really didn't help me. It made me very lethargic. I had a hard time driving home from work when I was taking it because I would almost fall asleep, so I quit taking that. My. Dr. put me on Wellbutrin, and it did help me. It had the opposite affect as Paxil (still luv her - you might want your wife to try this medication for her situation.... ), made my H happy anyway. We didn't do much counseling either. We did about 4 sessions with Dr. Harley over the phone which helped greatly. Neither my H nor I are much for counseling.... he just doesn't like to talk about problems and I prefer the Great Counselor who can do miracles anyway. Keep seeking the Lord, He will give you His peace, love and comfort. I honestly believe during the most troubled times of our separation/almost divorce (we are recovering now for the past 4 + years) it was God who got me through it, and still gets me through it. Every morning on my drive to work I pray and plead the blood of Jesus over my family, our home, myself, etc. There is so much power in the blood of Jesus!

Still Luv Her, I think you have the right idea. I would say love her with unconditional love, not expecting anything in return. Kindness works wonders. Never give up praying and fighting for your marriage. It will be so worth it all one day. If God can turn my husband's cold, very hardened heart and save our marriage He will do it for you. Believe!!!

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 05:15 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

I call this week one of a better understanding of what I must do in order to get my wife back completely. Last night was a good night, I had fun with the kids, while she was doing other things, I did catch her looking over at us a couple of times. Last night she slept a little closer to me than usual. Normally my youngest will come in the middle of the night and get between us. For some reason I woke when she came in and my wife put her on the right side of the bed not between us. What do I do if she comes to me for intimacy out of the blue? Do I just go with it? Thank you for the prayers and uplifting words. This is really helping me alot.

oops!

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 09:21 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Still luv her - I would say 'go for it' if she is initiating it but don't do anything to make her feel pushed or rushed. Just keep on being loving and kind and you will see results. Plus it will help you become a better you!

LMEX - don't let the 'world' get to you. The vast majority will try to talk you into moving on or whatever. Listen to that small, still voice in your heart, let God answer your questions. When my H first moved back home everyone I knew thought I had completely lost my mind letting him come back. I just felt in my heart we were to reconcile. Oh, and it was a 'suddenly'. My H had filed for divorce, we had been through a very ugly court battle, and he proclaimed to the world he hated me, he was NEVER going back with me, he wanted nothing to do with me, was glad he was rid of me, etc, etc, etc. He said it suddenly hit him what he was doing and something (aha the Holy Spirit) told him to go home and work things out. I can't say I haven't had doubts about my decision to let him come back; and it has been very hard at times, yet I know it was what God wanted me to do and He has blessed us so. There is hope!! God can do things we would never imagine.

StillLuvHer, I also would say to simply praise God if she initiates intimacy and love your wife. I agree with AlcoholicsWife that as you keep loving her and meeting her needs, etc., she is going to be drawn to you and feel "safe" with you and want to be close to you, emotionally and physically. I also agree that you should not push or rush her. Do not do anything to make her feel bad or guilty. Just keep asking the Lord for patience and bear with her right now! "Love bears ALL things." 1 Cor. 13

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 05:16 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

AlcoholicsWife, Thank you for sharing more of your testimony. God bless!

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 05:18 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Dear alcoholic's wife,
YOU are an inspiration!!!! Have you given thought to how many people you have helped and guided!!!You have a " servants heart ". No, God did not cause your marital problems, but look how He has used the situation for good!!! And I stand in agreement with your prayers. I ask God to bless you for your prayers.
I also ask that you and everyone be careful with all the presciption drugs. Sometimes I think the legal drug problem is worse than the illegal problem. We have got to get past the mentality that drugs are the answer to problems. Not that maybe they won't help in the short term, but some people use them for a crutch. Just be careful!!
singleguy

A lot of times people tell us to move on or if your not happy, then there's no use staying married. They are trying to get us past the pain they see we are going thru. They mean well, so to speak, but like several of us know, it's bad advice. It is always contradictory to God's word and we all know you don't solve a problem by running from it. We have to STAND on the word of GOD and get this stinkin thinkin out of our heads. God's greatest joy is to be trusted, and His greatest pain is to be doubted. And the self pity statement about " well if it will make my spouse happy, I'll go ahead and give them the divorce " justs makes the devil do cartwheels for joy. You have AUTHORITY over every situation in your life. Speak God's word to it, not the devils. Life and death are in the power of the tongue. YOUR life or YOUR death in YOUR marriage. Remember the song " Oh be careful little tongue what you say, oh be careful little tongue.... ". And AW is so right, in all things give thanks. It is already ours if we don't doubt. Believe it and you WILL receive it. You only loose if you give up. STAND!!
God Bless Everyone
singleguy