My H said tonight he is trying to make it work with our marriage. He is living at his folks. Sorry for the intimate details, but we had great sex a couple of nights ago and he is depressed the next day. He told me that he thinks he is depressed because he feels like he is cheating on the O/W when we have sex. He said he is not seeing the O/W and at work it is strictly professional, but they have phone calls to each other at night usually around 10 or so, I know because I call and the phone is busy.<BR>He is going to see a therapist this next Fri. But my question is this, she is married, though her H said he is divorcing her, My H and O/W have already been gossiped about at work, she knows we are trying to work it out. So why doen't she just break it off and not talk to my H.<BR>She cannot go on with her life still taking to my H and my H will have a hard time trying to love me again while still talking to her. If she really cared for my H, like he says she does, then why does she keep this thing smoking between them. And if my H was really committed he would stop too, right? I am hopeing the therapist will tell him that. Is there anything I can do to get her claws off my husband with out it back fireing on me? I am committed to this marriage. But I do not know how long H will just say forget it and file. I try not to LB. I try to talk to him as a friend. But still he says he feels nothing for me. Any advice out there. I am new to this, 2 months on the 29.<BR>

my3kids,<P>{{{{{{{{{{<B>my3kids</B>}}}}}}}}}}<P>Sad to say... it's not going to be the OW who is going to(or needs to) break it off (that can help alot...) but it will take ultimately a decision by your H... for him to come home. <P>Just a few quotes from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Love makes ending an affair extremely difficult (page 33 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Is there anything you can do to ge OW claws off your husband... not much other than sticking with resolve to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>(Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands) and try to satisfy as many of his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> as possible.<P>You think 2 months is too long...<BR>You're right! One day is too long for me!<BR>Keep up the <B>good</B> work... you may not think you're having any impact... but <B>you are!</B> <P>Keep shring with us...<BR>Remember I said to you...<BR>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<BR>I meant it! <P>Jim<BR>------------------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

NSR is right. She's NOT going to leave him alone. It has to be his decision.<P>This is a long hard road. Everything you do DOES make a difference.<P>Hang in there.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{my3kids}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

I tried to talk to the other woman by calling her. Of course she denied everything. Said they were just friends and in fact hardly knew him. Guess what....I was arrested for harassing communications and put in jail over night. So please leave her alone. It was not worth it. In fact I will be going to court on 11-29 to defend myself. I could face up to 6 months in jail and my H is listed as a witness, for her. She is still married to her 2nd H and I asked her how she could screw up so many innocent peoples lives with her actions. Well I guess she didn't like that question. It took a while but I finally realized that she is a very unhappy person. Cheated on her 1st H and now her 2nd. But now she is sure that my H is the man of her dreams and will cure her wandering heart. Whatever. Anyway don't call her or talk to her. If she is vindictive or cruel she will cause trouble for you. Now I risk losing my children over this. My H said how dare you call her and actually defended her. He even said she was a nice and HONEST person. GAG So he throws a family away for this. Well, his loss. But the sad part is, it is our loss too. Leave her and your H alone. Don't have sex and try not to talk to him. Maybe just maybe he will miss you. Good luck

Thanks Jim and Lori! It is taking everything I have today not to leave a voice mail message to O/W and tell her to get of our lives. I want to yell at my husband and tell him to wake up he is the one that is going to lose a marriage and raising his 3 kids. I want to have a great weekend with my kids but...I am tired, I am broken. Thanks for posting.

M3K,<P>Your husband is not trying to work on your marriage if he is still contacting her or letting her contact him. It is his job to end contact with her. It's his marriage he is supposed to be saving. If you call her and attack her, trust me he will defend her. Remember Tired? I told her the same thing about Mia and that is just what her H did. Unless you want to have to listen to your H defend her and have him angry at you, don't call her. Also it probably won't do any good. Your H doesn't have to talk to her. He wants to talk to her. Keep listening to the people here who have surivived this with Plan A.<P>Del

Remember, before I say this: I've been on both sides of the fence...<P>I'm gonna go out on a limb here...<P>Call her and leave a message. Be nice, but firm. Tell her to leave your H alone. <P>Yes, your H needs to make a decision, but she can end it too... and she just might if she gets a dose of reality.<P>Just be careful, and don't threaten her physically or in any way that could get you in legal trouble. <P>I say this because I had it happen to me (after the affair was over, so it was a bit of a moot point, but still got the message across to remember my place).<P> <P>------------------<BR>Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you are among the stars!!

Maybe a should just cool off for a while. I talked to my SIL and she said that if they wanted to be together they could, but they are not. Yes, they are talking, but they are not living with each other. He is going to see a therapist so I should just bide my time until then. I have called her once because I thought she sent me a e-mail. I was non confrontational and she actually told my husband that I sounded sincere in trying to help him and make our marriage work. She thinks she is a co-dependent and now he thinks he is too. She has tried to commit suicide and of course it was my H who saved her. Good greif, when will they wake up? Another question, how come my H does not miss his kids, his home, his hobbies? I am feeling kinda hopeless. I am afraid of not being married, I have been married for 19 years, I do not want to be alone, and raise my kids alone. Will there be someone else out there for me to love. Do you guys think about that?

my 3 kids --<P>You got really good answers from everyone and I wasn't going to post until I read your last question. I too talked to both ow in my situation. He had a physical and an emotional affair. He still talks to both of them. The PA OW ony calls when she wants to cry on his shoulder. She's divorced and filing bankrupcy. He works with the EA ow. That hurts!! We are living together and 3 months in recovery. Both of them promised me they wouldn't talk to him and they never meant to hurt me etc etc ... Of course I exposed some lies to them and they acted mad and hurt, but obviously not as much as they let on. The ow he works with makes it a point to say Good Morning and send little messages throughout the day. She is the initiater after promising me she would butt out so we could work on our marriage. SO my first point is 1. don't talk to the ow, it will only drive you mad. 2. It will have to be him to end it, it won't be her. 3. NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE ALONE.<BR>I have 3 girls, 8/6/4, married almost 8 years now. No college, always wanted nothing more than a family! Never thought of a career. I have worked, but it was never my focus. I am a stay at home mom now. But being afraid to be alone is what allowed my h to do what he did for so long. I was scared to death to be by myself. Our turning point was when I had had enough! If I had to move in with my mother, I wasn't staying in this H--L Hole. For me to go to my mom, whew - that's serious. I was just at a point that, there is no way being alone could hurt any worse than the treatment I was getting from h at the time. I was basically doing everything on my own anyway. I got to the point also, that I wasn't getting love from h, only a physical presence every now and then. I need more than a physical presence. It was killing me, so I made up my mind to get out of it, take care of me for a change. I didn't care if I was alone and the thought of another man ... No way! I knew at one point I wouldn't feel that way and I told myself I would deal with that when the time came. But for then, I wanted happiness for once, I wanted to be happy! I was miserable with our marriage as well, but I didn't search for my happiness elsewhere. That's what burned me the most, I was committed to him. Anyway - I have rambled. I just want you to know that there is a lid for every pot. Footnote - When I made up my mind to do something for me, my h came around and "magically" realized it was really me he wanted, he just got distracted! I wish you well with whatever happens, but my prayer is he will come around and choose you!<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Mater<BR>mater15@ivillage.com<P>

I meant to add - I love this quote ...<P>No one changes until the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change!<BR>Don't remember who said it!<P>------------------<BR>Mater<BR>mater15@ivillage.com<P>

Thanks Mater. I love the quote also. My children are older, 17,15,11. I do have a college degree, I am talented, I can get a job, though I have been a house wife forever. But it is so scary. I have been married half my life. I am lonely,but i have many friends and I am making new ones here. Instead of calling her, I paged my husband and put in some number. My little revenge. I still sit here and wonder why I am trying to make this work, and it all comes back to I love him. So here goes..I will not call and I will watch some good movie tonight with my kids. Thanks for all the advice.

You Go Girl! See, you have so much going for you and I totally understand the wanting it to work! I love mine too, although I wonder why sometimes! <BR>Have a good weekend!<P>------------------<BR>Mater<BR>mater15@ivillage.com<P>