It's been almost six months since discovery of H and my friend. I thought I was going to get through this, but now I'm not so sure. H has had no contact with OW since discovery and never hesitated to say he wanted to stay in our marriage from the beginning. So, why do I feel like walking away or, worse yet, ending it all?<P>I am so tired. Tired of the sadness, dishonesty, anger, fear, mistrust.....you name it and I'm tired of it. At first, not many people knew of the affair, but now the OW, my "friend", her family is finding out and it is bringing it all back to the surface. I don't know if I can go through many more rounds of this.<P>My H is all depressed because her (OW) family is finding out and they are friends of ours. Am I supposed to feel sorry for him?? Part of me does and part of me wants to get in his face and yell, "You stupid SOB, if you had kept your pants zipped in the first place, we wouldn't be going through this!!!"<P>H is still being kind and considerate about my feelings, but I haven't been in a funk like this in months. I'm afraid when he gets home tonite and sees me depressed, he will be angry or depressed or whatever the hell he wants to be. And WHY should I care?? I hurt, I hurt so badly. What can make this go away??<P>I need help and I don't know if I can turn to him. Everyone who knows about the affair thinks I have gotten past the emotion. I can "act" better than a professional thespian. But putting on a smile on the outside sure doesn't help the anguish on the inside.<P>Someone please tell me it's just the holidays or a full moon or something not permanent. I am tired. I would love to lie down and sleep forever....

When my H came back after I found out I was worse than you. I wished I would have found this site. Now he is gone forever. I pushed him out the door by letting him know how I feel in mean and cruel ways. Now I have lost the only man I ever care to love. Please talk to him but in a loving, caring manner. Please leave the I don't care attitude for your postings. I didn't care and look where it got me. I still love him and it breaks my heart every day. The pain I feel now is a zillion times more than when he was home with me, with our family. Just keep reminding yourself that you are loved and that you love him. You will make it.

All those feelings are tired of being repressed. You hurt so badly, for such a long time. <P>It will take a long, long time for that hurt to fade.<P>I'm so sorry you're feeling like this tonight. Have you been to the doctor? Are you doing the counselling thing? Sounds trite, but I think it really does help. <P>Just because we smile, doesn't mean we just snap our fingers and it all goes away. It takes tons and tons of time and energy.<P>Trust and love have to be rebuilt. <P>We're here for you tonight to help you through this.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Zombie}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

zombie,<P>You sound as if depression is getting the best of you. Have you thought about some Med's to get through this? It sounds as if you should. Talk with your H, and tell him you need his help. <P>He may also be thinking you have gotten past the main part and that your actions now are out of revenge, spite, anger. If he thinks that you are working from these feelings his response will be to put up his defenses. Some of these feelings are probably there, but mostly it sounds like sadness. <P>I don't know where you are in the recovery process. Can you hug him, kiss him, or perhaps more without it being a big deal? If so go to him when he gets home and hug him and then tell him you need his help. Have you forgiven him and told him so? Think about it. Are you waiting for his barriers to come down? Please find and read the recent post, "The power of forgiveness ..." It was posted in the last few days. I believe Liz Smith is the author of it.<P>You will get through this. Use the power of touch on your H. When you are in physical contact with him, he will have a hard time ignoring your request for help.<P><BR>Final point, you asked are you supposed to feel sorry for your H? The short answer is Yes!! He is in pain and I suspect that most of it comes from what he has done to you. He KNOWS that he was wrong, very wrong, and his guilt is probably killing him. If you give him a chance to hold you, help you, both of you will probably be helped.<P>I hope this has or is of some help.<P>God Bless You and Your Family

hi zombie, 6 mos, h is home, is remorseful and you are angry and depressed. Is that sort of a synopsis? <BR>I will give you my feelings ...how I felt when at the 6 mo recovery time. It is pretty early in the game-you are in the first quarter really. So you need to pace yourself to prevent burnout, to make sure you have the stamina to make it to the 2 yr mark. Most pros say 2 yrs is the average recovery time. I am not so convinced that any of what we are dealing with is average or normal! <BR>At 6 mos from starting to put this marraige back together, I was still having some pretty huge mood swings. One minute I would be just happy as could be, five minutes later crying at the dinner table. Seems that at nothing was stable, and the swings would be about twice a week. Could not id all the triggers...there were many. Since i had started to feel better about the marriage and not near as angry, I had stopped using some of the coping mechanism that helped the months before. Less exercise, less focus on diet and sleep, lots of talking with h, lots of heavy deep emotional things. What I needed was a break...it was just too much for too long and I was not having any fun. Recreational companionship!! And I made myself exercise more again. <BR>The 6 mo time frame was tough for him too. He was still ill, just came back from overseas, and not at all sure that I would ever recover.<BR>It is crucial for both of us to force breaks from all the work, the seriousness, the painful dialogues. This was really hard to do, but it did help enormously. You have to help each other, both of you have pain, depression and some valid worries that are going to affect the outcome of recovery. <BR>We also set some eves aside for the serious stuff. We saved out issues and talked lovingly and openly then. This helped normalize things again. Neither of us wanted the affairs to be daily conversations and we helped each other by making lists, by reminding when the other brought it up. <BR>While we were apart we had time to search our souls, to work on ourselves. I chose to put all the pain in a closet with shelves. The I would take the painful things out and examine them one by one. This closet was really quite stuffed-like one of those that you are afriad to open because all will spill out on the floor! Took a lot fo time, patience and love to sort thru my issues. The closet is still there, with issues on the selves, but they are not near as full, much more orderly, and I can open and close it at will. <BR>You have to develop a system that will work for you! Whatever it is, make it functional. If you need an entire day to cry, think, laugh, and bargain with god, then TAKE IT! What worked for me is to examine the pain head on, to face it, and try to understand. I never have been able to truly understand the dynamics that caused my h to be a sexual addict, and I probably never will. But I do know myself better, know why I have certain expectations and emotions. <BR>6 mos is hard, but don't expect so much from yourself. Be open to new ideas that may just give you a moment of peace and a few seconds of deep love.