March 11th is my wedding anniversary--my first one since the divorce was final. God, I can't believe we really aren't married anymore! This was going to be our Alaska Cruise anniversary, and now I guess I'll never see Alaska. March 11th--a day that will go down in infamy. Gosh, what do I do? Should I cry and mope? I could wallow in loneliness or throw a pity party. Should I buy myself some flowers? Maybe I'll pierce my eyebrow or get a tatoo to eternally mark the event. I'm sick of being upbeat and looking to the future--I don't get to celebrate my anniversary anymore! I am not married anymore! I think that deserves one day of wierdness. I'm allowed to be sad, I think.

Will you all do me a favor and send a prayer or an encouraging word or something?? Thanks.


CJ

<small>[ March 13, 2004, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: FaithfulWife ]</small>

Hey Fly (Well, I decided it sounded better than the other abbreviation, tee hee)

I can only imagine what feelings you might have as you get yet another reminder that your marriage is over. When I read you writing about you contemplate the feelings you might have today I think that it is fascinating that you plan for those feelings. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable with the feelings because they don't fit into the logic I depend upon for my daily living, so I ask you to consider that as you read my reply. I also ask that you laugh, even if you have to force it out your nose, LOL (You'll see, keep reading.)

I do want to remind you that your marriage is over, not Alaska (we still need their oil, LOL.)

Personally, I'm leaning towards the tatoo. I was thinking of getting one on my backside that says "One Way, Do Not Enter" Can you imagine the look on my doctor's face the next time I have a physical?

I'm not sure, but March 11th may have been the last day of my first course of chemotherapy back in 1994.

I have a funny story about that last day. I was on three drugs, and one of them was a nephrotoxin (poisionous to your kidneys) called CisPlatinum. So they would measure fluid volume in both directions if you know what I mean. I was flushed with plenty of fluids, had an IV going as well as encouraged to drink juice, water, etc. So my "output" was pretty clear.

Well on that last day, I called my regular nurse and asked if my oncologist was on the floor yet, and I was told yes. So I asked if they could quickly get me a BRAND NEW urinal and I wanted to see it in the bag, and two or three cans of apple juice. She said ok, and I said now let me know when Dr R. was on the way.

I poured the apple juice in the urinal and left it in the bathroom (thank goodness I had a private room)

So I get the heads-up that Dr R is on the way. I slip into the bath. Dr R. and the oncology nurse came in and I pretend to be sorting myself and I pick up the urinal and look at it and then look at the Dr and say, "You know doc, all this week, my output has been pretty clear, now I have this batch. I don't think it is done, and I drink the contents of the urinal.

Well the Oncology nurse about fainted and she had to sit down. The Dr is slackjawed. He doesn't know what to say, and just stares for about a minute while I finish the contents of the bottle.

It takes every bit of selfcontrol I have to not laugh (wouldn't that be a great mental image if I passed THAT through my nose laughing, LOL?)

I can't tell you what to feel, but I know that for me personally, I can only really remember the funny stuff I did while I took a total of 18 weeks of chemotherapy in 1994

So have an apple juice while you are at the travel agent or the tatoo parlor today, and try not to pass it through your nose.

{{{CJ}}}

Tony

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 05:48 AM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

I went through the same thing the year we'd already filed for divorce, but it hadn't yet been finalized.

I felt empty, discouraged, lonely and alone. There had been 19 anniversaries before it, and it felt downright wrong not to be doing something.

I remember my ex coming over for something (looking back, it was probably *because* it was our anniversary and he wanted to see how I'd react) and how he and I both stood there - saying nothing. I think we finally muttered, "Well, it's our anniversary. Have a good day" or something equally stupid.

It was a very bad day. I cried a LOT.

I will be saying a prayer for you today, and am thinking of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm allowed to be sad, I think. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're darn tootin' you are! Take the time to grieve today and allow God to hold you in His tender arms. He will give you comfort. God bless you, Faithful.

CJ,
My heart pours out to you. {{{{{{{{{{{ FaithfulWife }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.

When I was out on the TRO last May, I missed our 10th Anniversary. i don't even remember what I did that day. I was staying at a friends. I had made some interesting romantic plans, even while out of the house: dinner at a spa, with individual massges <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

Sister, you have every right to "feel" how ever you want. Remember though, YOU control your feelings. Experience them, and MOVE ON, PRESS ON!

Father, hold CJ's heart in Your Loving hands. Let her feel Your Peace today when sorrow enters her mind. I thank you for placing her in our lives, and for ginving us Your Wisdom through through Your faithful daughter, CJ. Amen.

jamesp,
I held back the laughter reading this, didn't want to wake up the W and C.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Personally, I'm leaning towards the tatoo. I was thinking of getting one on my backside that says "One Way, Do Not Enter" Can you imagine the look on my doctor's face the next time I have a physical?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Watch out, you could get our forum proctologist very upset, singleguy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Peace,
ttsmm

Well, my friends, I managed to survive the day. I didn't do too bad, either. Trust me, my brother TTSMM, I do know that I'm in control of my feelings (not the other way around), so I did decide not to have a tearful, horrible day. I was going to stay home from work for like a mental health day, but I decided that if I stayed home, all I would do is pout and feel sad. I just routinely did my work...nothing stunning, but I did do my job. I told my office co-workers and everyone was kind of understanding.

After work I spent time with my kids and had ice cream (my absolute weakness). I also decided to drink sparkling cider from a champagne glass on this day, as a celebration of life and in remberance of my friend who drinks from urinals. EWWWWW!! (Shaking head)

(I have some odd friends.)

The thing that's really bumming me out the most is that my ex did not even remember it was our unniversary. I just feel like I meant SOOOOO little to him. I gave him my love, my youth, my life, gave him children and a home--and I don't even rank a memory. I can't honestly say I'd want him to walk around sad today, but well shoot--if he at least was sad it would mean I meant something to him! This way it's like I was just worthless in his life. Sometimes I wonder why in the world I was so faithful to someone I was so valueless to, and yet I do remember that it means something TO ME. Even if it means nothing to him, it is of HIGH value to me to be able to say that I was faithful, I behaved morally, and I stood for my marriage. That means a lot to me. But MAN, how did I choose such an unfaithful husband? How did I choose an abuser??

Wierd day. I'm going to bed and dream about tomorrow.


CJ

P.S. I decided on a tatoo: a wolf intertwined with a yellow rose over my heart. Wolves speak to me--they mate for life and they are guardians. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

UPDATE:

Well, I found out why I didn't even rank a memory on our "unniversary"...my ex got a hotel room and tried to sleep with another woman! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He took someone else out for dinner and dancing, and he had a hotel room reserved, but I guess it didn't work out for him.

Now, I could take this post and rant and rave about my exH and the ways he has hurt me etc., but I don't think that would do me any good. Yeah, I'm hurt to find this out, but we are divorced and he is free to make the choices in his life, even if I disagree.

So instead of ripping my exH a new one, I think I'll use this post to say 1) finding this out really hurt me. I have to say that I'm not too sad that it didn't work out for him. 2) finding this out has confirmed for me that it is best for me to separate my life from his. I'm not saying I don't love him or pray for his return to the Lord, but I am saying that by continuing to stay even minorly intertwined, it hurts me. 3) finding this out confirmed for me that he has firmly decided he does not want me. Thankfully, he has been pretty consistent in acting like he'd rather kiss a snake, so at least I have not had the rollercoaster of He wants me/He wants me not.

Man, I'm sorry...I just think this is SICK!! AAAAAA!!! Who takes another woman to a hotel on their old anniversary??? AAAAAA!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Today, I'm going to stop thinking about him and whatever he chooses to do. Today I'm going to be in the present, play with my dog, spring clean my house, and go see Starsky and Hutch--maybe with some friends. I will have joy in my life today because I am surrounded by love.

Sigh.


CJ