I do not mean to burst your bubble, but I am not well and have not been doing well for the past several days.

It's like a giant, swirling pot of goo. I had a “job” with two clients that was very emotional for me because I knew both people involved and I loved them and I was afraid they would kill the messenger. When they didn't and it worked out, all the tension and fear sort of released in one big emotion snowball. That night I would have pretty much paid for a hug but no one was here. Of course, what did I expect?? That I'd actually have someone who loved and supported ME? Don't be silly.

Then, my son got in some trouble at the mall (mall security said he made an inappropriate sexual gesture), so I felt so disappointed in him--and he's blaming rather than taking responsibility.

Then, my exH promised to pay me for some work I did for him, and now claims he can't afford it, and I foolishly counted on him to live up to his word.

Then my son and his g/f sneaked into the house and were making out and I caught them--well he's 17yo so it's not like I'm a prude or unrealistic...the big stinger is that I asked him, "Is g/f coming over tonite?" and he outright LIED to me about it.

And no one has a crush on me and I wish "someone out there" did so I didn't feel so undesirable. What the heck is wrong with me? Nothing--I'm a wonderful woman! So how come no one, including my sexually addicted exH, cares!!!????

I'm not doing well because my exH owes a lot of money on his taxes and that means he lied about his income to keep his CS down. What kind of man does that to his own children??

I'm not doing well because EVERYONE here on the Prayer Request board is praying for their marriages to be healed, and the last thing I want to do is return to a man who abused me--yet my pinkie toe cares about him. I do not WANT my marriage to be resurrected!! I want a marriage where I'm precious and valuable and wanted--not worthless trash. But NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE offers much support for resurrecting ME after I've survived abuse. I did not want my divorce, but now that I have it, I think God saved my life because I was too valuable to be treated like that!! Well...there's no "restore ministry" for resurrecting a life that was saved--just for resurrecting marriage.

I'm not doing well because I'm tired of being treated poorly by those who are supposed to love me, and I'm not doing well because...BECAUSE...BECAUSE! I'm just not!

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I'm off to bed. The only way to deal with this is just sleep. Maybe tomorrow...



CJ

CJ,

I do hope that sleep brought you peace from all that is tormenting you.

It seems the past few days have been full of angst, disappointment and more betrayal.

I can feel what you are feeling and am sending you a great big PLATONIC cyber hug

{{{{CJ}}}}

Tony

{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ,}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I have a very dear friend...........she's a wonderful woman, strong in the Lord, thin and beautiful like I can only hope for, hard-working, industrious, self-sufficient (financially, too!), AND a semi-professional singer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

She went through these same things when her children were younger, she raised 3 teens alone).....now?

Now she still has NO MAN in her life. She's at a point where she knows God knows what He's doing in her life, and she is trusting Him.........she says she's happy and contented with her life the way it is.

Her 2 sons are happily M'd and her daughter has a lovely b/f. She says her life is very full and very happy...........

So my dear sister in the Lord.........

I'm so sorry to hear about all your "trials" at this time.

I know you know this, but I thought I'd share it anyway, so you can remember it. God Loves you more than you can even comprehend!

Our heavenly Father isn't in the habit of withholding all "good and perfect gifts" from His children.............

If He is, THERE'S A VERY GOOD REASON.
I, myself, prefer to believe it's because your GIFT is soooooooooooo *wonderful* that it isn't "ready" yet (or YOU aren't ready to recieve it yet!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

CJ, I KNOW you know this stuff. I KNOW it. But I'm going to say it anyway....PRAISE HIM ALWAYS IN EVERYTHING!

And KNOW that your blessing is right around the corner..........cause I'm sure it is.

Love ya lots, sis

P.S. As Lunadove recently said, "The enemy is hitting us ALL especially hard right now."
Hmmm, wonder why?!?!

<small>[ April 15, 2004, 10:40 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

jave and Lupolady,

Thanks for your responses and hugs and encouragements. I want to make sure you guys understand something. I really do deep down realize how wonderful and valuable I am--especially to God. Actually this is why I just do not believe it is God's will for me to resurrect my marriage...because I am precious and I was not treated preciously. To a person who has survived through an abusive marriage, to hear that I'm supposed to return to that fearful, unsafe life...let's just say I'd happily be celibate first!! I can not imagine what would have to happen for me to even consider going back, and whilst I know God can work beyond our imaginations, I sincerely can not imagine the circumstance under which God would direct me to knowingly go back.

I believe it is entirely possible that some day my exH will admit to himself that he has a mental illness and that pills do not "cure" him--and he needs help. I believe it is entirely possible that one day he may admit to himself that he is a sexual addict and begin SA twelve-step program or something--but until then, he continues to have ONS and cybersex and really has no desire or reason to stop now. And if ALL THIS were to happen, which is highly unlikely, I would say he would then need to learn how to have a mutual relationship with me rather than a competition. His power model is POWER OVER and competiton. He must WIN and I must LOSE.

This is why I say that I do not really think it's God's will for us to resurrect our marriage. It was harmful and damaging for me to be in that relationship, and now *I* am being resurrected and restored to my true value. For me, I was not the one who wanted the divorce--it was given to me. Since then, my exH has been VERY consistent in his actions, behaving as if he does not love me, does not want me, and does not see any value or good in me at all. After a while, I grew enough to realize that it was actually a blessing because I no longer had to live in with someone who saw me like that.

I do understand that people at this forum are standing for their marriages, and I'd have to say that if my marriage had been to a relatively normal man, I would stand too. Shoot, I'm in no rush and I firmly believe I will have love in my life again one day. Normal people make bad choices, fall off the wagon, get hurt and do foolish things, get lonely, etc. and then come to their senses one day and can return to being a normal person (BTW, "normal" in this context means any kind of personality but without serious defect, addiction, or mental illness). Normal people can be TAUGHT how to love and have a loving marriage.

But what about those of us who lived with abusive spouses? Or addicted ones? Oh, they come and go through treatment like water, and can fall right back into their addiction. At some point, I wish there were a board, forum or group that said, "You didn't want this divorce, but thank God you lived through it. You are a valuable member even without a spouse and even if you aren't standing and wanting your spouse back." Where's "The Power of the Praying Single"? I know there is such a book. Are those of us who are single now against our wills just supposed to be ignored??

Maybe that's my calling...to start a forum or site or something for the spiritual, divorced, single who didn't want the divorce but had it put upon them and is valuable enough to be a spiritual contributor even if they are choosing to stay single. Any ideas what to call it??


CJ


CJ

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I hope you don't think I was saying you needed to "stand," just 'cause that's my (and some others') stance?

I love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What about: "Recovered Alone, Peaceful and Living in the Will of God"?

<small>[ April 16, 2004, 05:19 AM: Message edited by: lupolady ]</small>

CJ,
Hey, I left you a v/m yesterday. Didn't hear from you. Call me.
God bless,
g

<small>[ April 19, 2004, 08:30 PM: Message edited by: vmedlin ]</small>

CJ,

Hope you are feeling better. Sorry I didn't post sooner, but I wanted you to know I've been thinking about you. Don't worry about being against God's will or anything like that for choosing to not go back or praying to go back to your H. I agree with you totally that, in this instance, you deserve to be treated better. I know you know that God loves you unconditionally so I won't go into that, but I wanted to share w/you an experience my older sister had with her FH. My sister was married to a man who consistently chose heroine, cocaine, etc. over her & their D. He would spend all their money on drugs & alcohol & no matter how many times my sister stood by him, sent him to rehab, whatever, he continued to choose this drug. He was stuck in this addiction & couldn't get away from it. It was very damaging to my sister as she thought to herself, How could I still love this man after he has consistently shown me that he prefers his drugs over me & our family? Why can't he just love me & that be enough? Can't he see the support he has behind him? She chose to D him. My BIL was very upset by this & pleaded w/her for many years to come back to him. He didn't even see his daughter regularly. My niece can only remember sitting by the window waiting for her father to come & pick her up & him not showing up.
He didn't even pay support for her. He kept moving so that DR couldn't find him.

After 6-7 years, he was located & he & my sister started contact again. She came to find out that he had met someone that looked exactly like my sister but still wanted sis to move down to FL with him & start over. He had become sober for 2 years & wanted to show her that he had changed. After much consideration & prayer, my sis agreed to move. She still loved him deeply. Just as they were making plans, my BIL's g/f found out & shot him in the head & shot herself. Jealousy had overcome her. My sister was devastated. How could God take away the only man she TRULY loved like that? The kind of love that never truly goes away, no matter how many people you date afterwards.

I don't necessarily think that God expects us, once we make the decision to marry, to stay married no matter WHAT. Through abuse, both emotionally & physically, through addictions, whatever. If He sees that someone needs to learn something, He will allow that R to break to get a hold of that person & do a major overhaul. Sometimes, in the process, the OP will have found love again. I believe this is God's way of showing someone they had made a mistake in their choice of marrying someone or showing them that there truly are people out there that can love you for YOU w/o all the crapola attached.

Just remember that it is very possible that God will bring someone into your life that will treat you with the respect you deserve. God just may give you a 2nd chance to love again. Until then, it's good to hear that you know that you are loved by God & weren't called to "stand by your man" no matter WHAT.

Take care,

Dear Faithful Wife,
I've waited to reply to you because I didn't know what to say. You're right, not every person here wants their marriage restored. You know God's will for your life, not us. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I pray that things get better for you and that you recover from all that has happened in your life.

Lunadove

Faithfulwife:I will pray for you and your family. I know you are disappointed with your son lying to you. Your ex failing to keep his word. From reading your profile at the end of your name, this is making more sense. I am very familiar with Bipolar and Borderline Personality, I will also pray for your guidance with these 2 challenging disorders. I am sorry you have experienced the abuse...have you sought to heal these scars. They are many excellent books that can help with the abusive nature of these disorders."Stop walking on Eggshells" is very good. I would encourage you to read this and get some insight into what you have had to ordeal. I will pray that God grant you peace to know that this is something beyond your control. Trust God to work in your ex's life. Peace

I am new here but I will post anyway. Take what I say for what is it worth.

Here it goes:

Good for you! You were in slavery when married to someone abusive and addicted. God has brought you out of Egypt. You are now in the desert.

I hate being in the desert. Been there, done that, and hated it. (And right now with my "standing" I am in the desert again, but not like I was before.)

It is better to be lonely at times and be safe. I know it might not seem that way, but when you feel lonely, it helps you to lean on God more.

I might be standing for my marriage. But I can tell you there are plenty of people I cheer who have sought a divorce and are better off for it.

On another board I have been to, there are women who talk about how their husband's verbally abuse them and flaunt their affairs and some who report the fear of physical abuse as there had been some before. (which to me indicates it is probably there now and they don't want to share it.) The other people on the board, encourage them to "stand" for thier marraige and tell them that if they were meak enough or subserviante enoguh, theri husbands would treat them better.

I get so angry. I have seen too many women nearly killed (and one who was killed) by an abusive spouse. And I have seen women damaged emotionally by abuse.

I understand about sexual addiction too. That is a very real addiction. It is good that you are away from someone with that addiciton. It is just as damaging as drugs. Sexual addicts begin to see other people as objects just for their personal enjoyment or "fix" and when someone doesn't measure up to their standards, they critize them terribly. You deserve better, sister!

Ok, so now you are feeling bad. Yea, I feel bad I understand. And I think you should be allowed to express how bad you feel. Good for you for posting about it. I also get tired of people assuming that no one feels real pain if they are a Christian. Jesus wept in the garden. Moses wept and begged for 40 days on the mountain to save the Isrealites from God's wrath. And if you read Psalm there are alot of them that are about personal agony.

Who says you need a man in your life to be O.k? You are great just the way you are! You will continue to have bad days but you will keep getting up and finding yourself in a new day over and over.

I didn't read your profile. If you are the one with Bipolar Disorder, you might be on the low mood end. Time to get some regular exercise and fresh air and use your coping skills.