I don't know what I am suppose to do! Sure H is still home, I am working on becoming that better person to him, I still have yet to hear ILY, there's no affection, I thank God he's changed our situation, so why can't I just be happy with what I got? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Enter H! I have let this man start hunting again, not like I made him quit, I just have this seperation thing! He's always gone! I let him play his pool, I let him go fishing, but I end up going to bed alone- every night. He knows I'm angry about it, although I don't state that. I'm afraid if I tell him I'm angry he's going to start up with he's able to do whatever- whenever. I am perfectly fine with his hobbies, but I can't stand the fact that he is never home with his family, and he can't do these things in a decent amount of time. OK- so I sound selfish, but he's got a family. I am always home with them, how are we suppose to make this work?

Either I stay unhappy, or he'll pout about getting to go nowhere. I am not joking when I say, if he wasn't at work last week, he was doing one of these activities. ALL DAY! I know there's no one else, I am just jealous of the time he spends with his friends.

Do I say something, or just keep on ACTING like I do?

I prayed about this, that's all I do. I just feel like I can't keep going on like this. I want to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ! I need my life back that we had before all this. Where I could show affection, tell him my feelings, an feel loved. I just don't!I feel myself slipping back to right where we started.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! Has he asked you to come along or have you suggested anything that you two could do together? Have you two filled out the recreational questionnaire from MB to see what you two like to do together? What about starting to do the things he likes to do, check them out, and determine if this is something you like to? Just some suggestions. My prayers are with you.

nvrgvup,

The way things are going now--you dislike the amount of time he spends away from the family and you say nothing to him about it--it will do nothing but breed resentment in your heart. One of the great tenets of MB is the policy of joint agreement (POJA) and what that means is that when you took vows to have another person as your spouse, you also vowed to consider them in your decisions. Thus, POJA means that he doesn't do anything until you are absolutely THRILLED about it, and likewise you don't don anything that he isn't absolutely THRILLED about too.

Another bit tenet at MB is radical honesty, and what this means is that when something is bothering you or hurting you, you have the guts to speak up. Likewise, if your spouse has the guts to speak up and tell you when something is bothering him or hurting him, that you give him safety to do so. It also means that you two are both open with yourselves and who you are and what you are thinking and feeling. I prefer to call this kind of honesty TRANSPARENT honesty, because it doesn't mean that you don't filter and buffer your thoughts and feelings, but it does mean that you are clear and let another person see and know the real you.

Soooo...whaddya do?? In my opinion you need to speak to your H and tell him how you feel, BUT...you need to speak to him with respect. Your duty is to consider his desire to do the hunting and fishing and pool--his duty is to consider that you desire his attention and companionship. I believe you need to tell him the truth, and I would suggest using "feeling statements."

Feeling Statements are formatted like this: WTFS--"When you__, I think ___, I feel___, so I'd like to ask ___."

I suspect it might go something like this: "When you are away from me and the kids so many nights in a row, I think 'Why doesn't he want to be with me and what am I doing wrong' and I feel unimportant and sad and a little abandoned. So I'd like to request that we set up a schedule that we can both live with...one in which you go hunting for one week and then spend one whole week at home--or play pool Tuesdays and Thursdays and stay home with me and the kids on Wednesdays and Fridays. Would that work for you?"

Do you see how that statement does not cut him down or blame, but rather it states what you think and feel, it acknowledges his own desires, and it tells him a couple of solution ideas? Nothing personal against the fellas, but one complaint I hear often from the guys is that they have no clue how to "fix it" or how to come out of a disagreement with some sense of "saving face" without just having to totally give in and feel "whipped." If you tell them what might work for you, it at least gives them a clue of what might fix it for you and then they could offer an alternative that might work for them.

Does this make sense???


CJ

I haven't been on for awhile- and it seemed like things were going a bit better. H asked if I'd go fishing- did. Even joked about "if we were going to make this work I'd better". It was just a joke and I even joked back about getting bait. He was in a pretty good mood lately.

Now I'm not for sure what is going on with him. He fished all night on the river Friday and I did some major lb'ing. I didn't realize he meant all night! I was worried, finally anbout 6 a.m.I went searching- do I report this? is something wrong? I haven't a clue. Finally when he gets in after everything has already gone wrong, I blow up. He apologized but I was too angry. I said stuff I didn't mean. I apologized also, but now he's in this quiet mood, doesn't say bye etc.

Now I just feel God just isn't here. I have faith- I have seen God work so much in my marriage. I want my life and family back. I need affection, I want attention, I want to be told I'm loved. I don't know why this keeps happiningto me.

I've fasted, I've read the bible, I've prayed- I am constantly in prayer for us. I don't know what else to do. I am so afraid of rejection from him. He can be so fun to be around, but I feel so far from him today.

I appreciate all prayers,I forgot to mention. He seems to want to emotionally hurt me. He knows what I want and it is like he purposely keeps it from me. I know this is satan working against us, but how do I get H to see this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He fished all night on the river Friday and I did some major lb'ing. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You already know this wasn't cool, hence the apology. I won't say any more on that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">now he's in this quiet mood, doesn't say bye etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Possibly still a little angry from the LBing? I would give him time to cool off & SHOW him how you're sorry for starting an argument.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now I just feel God just isn't here. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Because you had a fight with your H? Doesn't work that way. Trust me, He is there. Just because things get a bit shaky, doesn't mean He isn't. He never told us it would be easy, just worth it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have faith- I have seen God work so much in my marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then hold onto this -- don't give it up. A shaky faith, a wavering teeter-totter so to speak will only HINDER your progress, not move it FORWARD. Believe that it's already done & thank God daily for doing it. No matter what you see w/your eyes, know that He is working at all times for the good.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want my life and family back. I need affection, I want attention, I want to be told I'm loved. I don't know why this keeps happiningto me . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Notice the pattern? This is happening to the BOTH of you, not just you. Please keep your eyes on Jesus. He is the ONLY one who will help you. You cannot get your H to see anything! The Lord has to do it. TRUST Him. He will see you two through this. And it's not going to be easy. TRUST Him that He knows what He's doing.

Have you done anything that Faithful suggested? Has it helped at all? Why did he ask you to go along w/him? He probably had a fun time -- do more of those things together & when he wants that ALONE time, think of it as a time for him & God to be together by themselves, maybe? God IS working here, just have the faith that he is. You yourself said that you can feel God working! Don't give up on that just because things are not the way YOU want them to be right now. All of this takes a lot of time & patience. If you're having a hard time w/patience, and it sounds like you are, then pray for patience above anything else & the ability to TRUST that God knows what He's doing & will see you through this.

God, please watch over nvrgvup & her H. Make their M something new, something special w/You as the center. I pray that nvrgvup finds peace. Please teach her patience & kindness & love that surpasses all understanding. I pray all this in Jesus' name, Amen.

We're all here for you. You can do this! Live by your name -- NEVER GIVE UP!

God's blessings, Y

I just had a few things that I needed to get off my mind that I can't seem to comprehend and maybe someone could. I appreciate everyones advice, but it seems way too advanced for me as to where I am in my marriage. My husband refuses to talk about our marriage. I had another bad day this week, along with arguments with daughters that day. H wanted to know what was wrong and I told him that I can't keep living like this, I want a marriage , and I refered to the argument with kids, know what he says? I'll go talk to the girls. Nothing about us!

This man that I love so much, who has been intimate with me,( not for the last week and a half though), who asked me to go with him, who held me one night as I slept. That is one of my prayers -to hold me. Now his foot touches me in bed and he pulls back like it is painful.

I hate to say this, but I feel like he is purposely hurting me. I apologized for lb'ingthe other day and explained my reason. Why when he just said the other day "If we're going to make this work..." Would he now act this way?

Remeber this is a man who has changed his mind 3 times since Oct. about our marriage. I know God is with me, and I read something about God not seeming close sometimes. I am going through that now. I know things happen in God's timing and I will accept that. I just need so much strength.

I know one day God will give me back my husband, and I'll have a deeper appreciation for him which I should have had from the beginning. Maybe God is oputting H through this to find him like he found me. My eyes were opened just a little quicker.

I pray that everyone on this board has a good day today and knows that God will be with us. I know although I fail , I do have faith that God will pull me through.

I will try to talk to H , I know this may the hardest thing I've had to do, but someone has to start and I told God I was standing for my marriage and I assume it's up to me. Pray for me though that He understands my feelings and doesn't decide to turn around and use our problems again to turn back. I need to know his feelings, and I'm afraid he'll refuse.