This is for MTAW, Mitzi, Regina, and all the rest of you dear ladies who are being 'trod upon'. Read this please, and then find a way to graciously STAND UP for your right to proper treatment. Disrepect and love are mutually exclusive.<P>I love you ladies, and feel that you need to stop being afraid of your husbands. You are precious princesses in the eyes of the Lord. Princesses insist on respectful treatment. <P>God will take care of you, but you are the ones who must draw the boundary lines. You will feel fear at first, but tremendous freedom when you stop being trod upon. Get up of the floor, please, it is dishonoring to the Lord. There are people (with skin on, not a computer screen) who will gladly help you...please, please be good to yourselves and your children.<BR>----------------------------------------<BR>I was searching for something in the archives and happened upon this old post of mine. It's a few months later and things are going incredibly well. (I pray alot). <P>BTW, you'll need to read "Love Must Be Tough" (James Dobson) and "Surviving an Affair" (Harley) for the post to make the most sense.<P>originally posted December 02, 1999 02:59 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I have read practically every book I've ever seen or heard about on marriage and marital problems with either a Christian viewpoint or a recommendation from a reliable source.<P>I actually found myself using Plan A and Love Must Be Tough at the same time, during his affair, but before I knew for sure.<P>Let me explain. When I found myself becoming clingy, I struggled to back off. I wasn't very good at giving him space. <P>The less available he was to me (travelling for business, not calling me back from work, 'working' overtime (translate boinking her), the more I called, pursued, etc. We were technically not separated, but he was out of town three days a week on business and working 7 am - 9PM when he was in town.<P>I found that when I <P>a) met his needs as best I could when he was home (Dr. Harley) <P>and b) communicated clearly that I wanted and deserved better treatment (Dr. Dobson)<P>and c) that he was free to stay or leave (both Drs.) <P>but he needed to 'decide to ride foot or horseback' (corny old New England saying) and let me know which as soon as possible, because I had a life to live.<P>So, it may seem schizophrenic, but I did use both books, to a certain degree, at the same time.<P>The main concept that I found them to have in common is you must respect your spouse's right to stay or go, and INSIST that you be treated with respect whatever their choice is. How can they love you if you don't have respect for yourself? Why would they if you think you aren't worthwhile?<P>The opening of the cage door illustration still helps me everyday. Whenever I sense that I am becoming clingy or my h. is feeling trapped, I lighten up and remind him that we choose to be married each day. It isn't a prison sentence. He used to feel that he was trapped by the choice made by a dumb 21 year old (him).<P>I highly recommend some books that have not been mentioned here recently. They are available at <A HREF="http://www.midlife.com." TARGET=_blank>www.midlife.com.</A> This is the Midlife Dimensions web site. <P>The following books by Jim and Sally Conway are great:<P>When a Mate Wants Out<BR>Your Husband's Midlife Crisis<BR>Moving on After He Moves Out (or she)<BR>Men in Midlife Crisis<P>all are available on the site and most are paperback and easily affordable.<P><BR>Sorry I seem so strident, but I hurt for you so, and found for myself that his love returned the day I said "Enough of this subservient garbage...God didn't call me to be mistreated." My h. was actually RELIEVED that I stood up for myself, because he said it proved to him that I wasn't a worthless loser, but someone worthy.<P>love to you all,<BR>lizzie<P>------------------<P>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR><p>[This message has been edited by POGP (edited February 21, 2000).]

Lizzie,<BR>You really don't know how much I needed to hear that. I have been feeling so sorry for myself since my H left. I have been feeling like, for some reason I didn't deserve to be happy. I've forgotten what being truly happy feels like. <P>It's so hard to be a functioning woman and mother. Yes, I'm taking something for depression but it's a matter of my mind not knowing how to make my body react. I'm going back to the point I was at in the beginning. Wanting to curl up in a ball somewhere. But I'm working on that.<P>I'm trying to lean more on God. The hard part is giving all of this to Him to handle. I want to fix it myself and this is one thing I can't fix. I can only fix me and pray for the best possible outcome. Fixing me has been harder than I thought it would be. <P>Thanks so much for your love and concern Lizzie. Self respect is something I really need help with. But with God, I'm sure I'll find it and I'm sure He will work in my life in ways that I won't notice at first.<P>Thanks again.<BR>Mitzi<BR>

Thanx, I needed that, today I purchased the power of a praying wife, and God is where I need to set my sights and not the husband who can't make up his mind, God already knows, thanx, pray for me, regina

You're welcome sweetie. <P>Ladies, you are worthy, you are the daughter of the King...remember that! <P>Any thoughts that you are less than a princess are from the evil one...he wants us to believe the lies and give up living abundantly. Don't believe him. This is a really dark, crappy chapter of your life, but it is a CHAPTER, not the whole book!<BR> <BR>By the way, another little secret to my newfound happiness, whenever I have a 'trigger' of sadness, anger or resentment, I treat myself to something indulgent, but not fattening...a grocery store bouquet, a new nail polish, cheap haircut, new barrettes, dumb magazine...you get my drift...inexpensive ways to cherish your womanhood.<P>I do -- something that says "I like to take care of me, it is important..., it is necessary." You know, the whole L'Oreal thing... I wasted years hoping that he'd read my mind and buy these things for me. <P>Now I set the example. It is working. He actually bought a vanilla scented candle with a real flower in it for V. day.<P>Funny story about the grocery store flowers: I bought myself 6 red roses a few days after confession back in August, and when h. came to visit, he raised his eyebrows and said "Uh, who gave you these?". <P>"Someone who loves me very much and hasn't been showing it lately." <P>"Oh, so you bought them for yourself?" <P>"Darn straight. You got a problem with that?" We both laughed nervously at my gutsiness. It was our first light moment. There have been many more since then. Know what? He finds assertiveness SEXY!!!<P>gotta go clean the car and pack,<P>lizzie (who hopes she doesn't break any bones skiing for the first time this weekend).

Lizzie - Thank you thank you thank you! I so very much needed to hear this. I hope you have a fantastic skiing trip, and please don't break any bones, you've got to get that eye healed too!<P>

Thank you! Thank you!<P>This is just what I needed to hear. I am going to get those books today. I kept saying that I felt like Bill was going through a midlife crisis even though he was only 26! I am working on me now. I am going to a wonderful Christian counselor and have resolved to:<P>1. NOT call him without necessity <BR>2. Not chase him<BR>3. Not seem clingy to him<BR>4. Not let him misuse me<BR>5. Not have sex with him<BR>6. etc...<P>Thanks for the strength ladies!

Dear ones,<P>I am back from skiing and didn't break a single bone (I did wrench my knee falling, but Aleve is a wonderful product!). <P>One of the things that I have been working on is trying new things, learning and experimenting so that neither my h. or I find me boring. <P>I had a full, happy, hectic life in Massachusetts before we married, worked for "that Ivy league school", and loved life. <P>Somehow, when we married I gave myself so wholeheartedly to homemaking (which I'm not really cut out for) and childrearing that I forgot how to be a 'woman'. <P>Nurture your girlhood, ladies, God made us feminine because we add color to the landscape!<P>Gotta go to the eye doc again (fourth time in a month). We have upped the steroid drop strength, but my eye still looks a bit like a boiled onion on the Sunday dinner platter. At least it has stopped aching. The eye doc thinks it has to do with my family history of arthritis. Apparently there is some connection related to immune disorders. It's funny, cause I have had NO symptoms of arthritis at all, and I am 41.<P>Please keep praying for it to heal. I can't see the board very well at school (college) and I don't want to be upped to oral steroids cause I'll swell up like Orca the killer whale.<P>lizzie<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

I have been looking back because I have misses so much... I liked this thread, and Im going to go buy me some flowers...<BR><P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

Good for you, Cozy! Enjoy those flowers, and any other source of earthly joy...I really believe that God intends for us to take pleasure in so many things that we consider "frills".<P>blessings, lizzie<P>P.S. I will probably not post again till after our trip for the memorial service. Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks.

BOY.... I sure needed that kick in the head. It was wonderful POG and you are right. I bit the bullet and wrote a letter letting him know that I want closure. To please return house, car, and mailbox key. That I would do the best with the rest of his clothes. That Im not a dead dog he can keep kicking and that I would no longer tolerate it. I was very kind but straight forward in saying this was not my choice but his choice for leaving and that I will move on. But that I still loved him and will forever remain in wife. If you choose, it will be his doing to seak a legal separation or divorce and it will never be me. I for one, married for life..........<P>Well wouldn't you know it..... he called and asked me for brunch on Sunday. GO FIGURE. Told him I would think about it. EVERYONE... what should I do? HELP.....<P>XXOO Bless you all and you to POG XXOO

Have you read Boundaries for Marriage by Cloud & Townsend? You wrote him a letter and you stated some limits...by all means have brunch with him and continue to clarify lovingly those limits, no matter what his response is, especially if he comes across angrily. You can calmly tell him that you will not be talked to that way and if he continues that you will leave (Maybe you should meet him there so you have your vehicle) Reaffirm your committment to the marriage and the desire to work on resolution . Good luck!<P>I am learning these things now and practicing as well.

Thank you Sue for responding. Im truly struggling with this decision of going. Thank you for your input and the book recomendation. There were a few mentioned in this thread that I may check out Chapters over the weekend to purchase a few.<P>God Bless xxoo<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SueB:<BR><B>Have you read Boundaries for Marriage by Cloud & Townsend? You wrote him a letter and you stated some limits...by all means have brunch with him and continue to clarify lovingly those limits, no matter what his response is, especially if he comes across angrily. You can calmly tell him that you will not be talked to that way and if he continues that you will leave (Maybe you should meet him there so you have your vehicle) Reaffirm your committment to the marriage and the desire to work on resolution . Good luck!<P>I am learning these things now and practicing as well.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>