I appreciate everyone's support over the wknd. I knew you were praying for me.<P>Saturday was a rough day. First we argued for 3 hrs then we didn't talk at all. He views me as the enemy. At one point I lovebusted to the point that I threw my POPW book, guide, and journal on the table and said, "yah, what enemy prays for someone as much as I pray for you"! Yes, I know, that was my pride all over the place! <BR>He wasn't impressed to say the least.<P>God dealt with me on Sunday by showing me a scripture out of Proverbs 12:18 "there is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword" <B> OUCH </B> <P>Yup! Pride goes before a fall! I fell flat on my .......<P>I know my expectations are to be in God alone and at times I get so tired of waiting, waiting, waiting, for my spiritual head to take his place in our home. I thought (or should I say expected) that would happen finally after disclosure. God forgave my h so much and set him on the right path again......Why does he continue to take God so lightly?<P>Well, God seems to want me to remain in this situation for a while longer. And, maybe my h will never be the spiritual leader he was meant to be.<P>For those of you going through intense persecution I'm sure this sounds pretty meager in comparison to your situations. I apologize......after 33 years of marriage I just am getting tired of the wait!<P>Again, thank you for your prayers. God has put me in my place and I must put my expectations in Him and Him alone! <BR><B> HE IS FAITHFUL AND TRUSTWORTHY! </B><P>Blessings, Taj

OH!!!!!! Don't it just hurt when He does that! My own stomach quivered reading that verse. <P>It is hard to keep expectations in perspective. Some say the Lord's curse to Eve in placing her desire for her husband is that women want to rule...others say that desire is for the continued oneness that they had been sharing. I want my husband to be the shepherd/leader, tending his flock (family)I want to follow him, have confidence in him, trust in him and rest in him knowing I am protected and he looks out for my well-being. As you say Taj, the only one who has demonstrated this kind of love is the Lord. <BR>For 6 years folowing my husband's death, I found comfort and safety in the Lord. I was a happy camper for the most part. When the Lord confronted me about not relinguishing the area for a husband to Him, I admit I fought him on it as I couldn't see the value in ruining a good thing....He has such a sense of humor! He still asks me today in the midst of this chaos if I trust Him. Tears come to my eyes and what can I answer except yes, I trust Him! Not so sure about myself at times, but He has always been faithful. I am hesitant to get my hopes up and Satan loves it. The waiting expectantly sermon from yesterday, really got to me...that neck craning expectation...God is working in my marriage in ways that I had not thought possible. Is my marriage healing? Not yet...but God is doing some things that have blown me away. I am catching myself more often in those areas that I need to change, I am speaking the truth more often rather than running away from the situation or sweeping it under the rug hoping it will go away and I am apologizing to my husband when these things occur and making ammends even if he doesn't like to hear what I have to say. I am learning to do it in a loving way, not thrusting the sword as the verse says and what I am seeing is that God is placing others in the path who are thrusting the sword in such a way that my husband is experiencing his own stomach cramps and illness as God does the convicting. (Not that I want my husband to be ill, but sometimes that must occur before we are willing to amputate the sin from our lives I guess)Satan still is messing with his mind in that my husband still verbalizes hope that he is dying, but I do try to remember that Satan has already lost.<P>And yes, Taj, 33 years is a long time, but an eternity of joy awaits you. and for that, we can put up with the itch in our shorts, for it motivates us to keep our eyes upwards. Love you!

Dear Taj, (& all)<BR>oooh, I'm so upset right now with this computer, I was almost finished with my post, when I tried to do one of the smilie faces and did something wrong and lost if all. I'll TRY again!<P>I just wanted to say Good morning, <BR>and that I am so sorry I was not around all weekend to support the women who have given so much wonderful advice, and mainly the never ending prayers to all. I felt like I abandoned everyone, and for that I apologize, , , But believe me, though I was not on-line with you and our sisters in Christ, you were never out of my thoughts and prayers. <P>My M&FIL called this weekend, as you know they are good Christians, and have been supporting and praying for us through all this, I have told them about the women here in this Forum and told them how close to you all I feel, how your prayers, and comforting words have lifted my spirits when they have been very low. We prayed together, and gave thanks to the Lord for putting MB in my path. <BR>I wasn't looking for this website when I registered, yet our Heavenly Father led me here for a specific reason, and I believe it was/is to build and strengthen my Faith in HIM. I needed the support of those who have been through similar situations, and specially of those who have an undying faith in GOD. I thank the Lord every day that he brought me here. <P>Anyway, I better get back to work , I know if I don't do it now, I never will. I'll post some more later. So much to say!<P>Love always,<BR>Pookie

Taj, PTL, He is so good to us, even when we aren't doing what He wants us to. Your ability to discern when He is speaking to you keeps me in awe. That seems to be the problem I'm having now, figuring out if it is Satan or God speaking to me. My heart and mind is in a state of mass confusion today. I've got to get refocused on the Lord. <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want my husband to be the shepherd/leader, tending his flock (family)I want to follow him, have confidence in him, trust in him and rest in him knowing I am protected and he looks out for my well-being.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This would be my heart's desire also. I know that I should (and am) look to the Lord for all of the above. But, I am married, and I know it is God's will for the husband to be head of the wife, and for him to love her as Christ loved the church. One thing that has become crystal clear to me over this weekend, is that my H does not love me the way the Lord intended him to. <P>Dear Heavenly Father, I pray that you will be with each of us today, as we work through our respective trials. Lord, help us to always look to You first, to always put You first, and to love You the way You want us too. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness to us. Help us Lord, to continue trusting You completely. You are almighty, and have told us all things are possible through You. Help us each to remember that. IJN AMEN

I am back again with my heart in my hands. I am trying so hard but it just doesn't seem to be working.<P>Things around here have been steadily going down hill since we returned from our trip to Cal. This wknd was the culmination and I thought maybe we had cleared the air. This morning we were back at it again.<P>Whether its history or paranoia or whatever we cannot disagree without anger and tears. We just can't communicate. It always heads back to the affair and I still say he hasn't forgiven himself. He says I shoot my mouth off all the time when I am trying so hard to word my comments appropriately. I know I blow it but I am not the enemy!<P>He agreed to go to counseling this morning after the last round! I am afraid I don't have much hope in counselors.....we have tried some together and I have gone seperately. They just can't relate. He won't agree to the Harley phone session, says it sounds ridiculous! <P>You know, I am beginning to understand the term, irreconcilable differences!!!!!!!<P>Thanks for listening. I'm going to try and find <B>ANOTHER</B> counselor today.<P>TAj

I can relate to some of what you are going through, too. I want my husband to be our spiritual head also. He is certainly not there but at least he is getting into the word and reading devotionals daily. I want so much for his faith to be where mine is right now. I don't discuss it too much with him because I don't want to drive him away but it is evident in my life. He has seen the change in my actions and also other little things like I now have the radios all tuned to Christian radio stations, have Christian CD's & tapes in the car, and the books I read--nonfiction & fiction--are Christian reads. (Just read Left Behind-fiction. It was awesome. Check it out.) I am trying to keep my life God centered. He never says much about all those things & I don't either but they are just there in our life. I pray each day that his walk will become closer with the Lord and one day he will find his true place in our family. We still have trouble discussing things without him getting angry and me getting emotional. So we have steps to take in that area too. But at least we are talking. Previously, I would have stewed about it and never ever brought it up. I am praying for guidance in this area. I really need to learn to speak to him in ways he doesn't feel defensive and listen without being hurt by his tone or words. I am confident God will lead us in this direction. Taj, I am sorry to hear of your rough weekend. Will continue to pray. Never give up! Blessings, J

I know some of you probably saw this but it was so good in regards to us and our expectations that I had to share it again.<BR> <BR> LOSE THE MEASURING TAPE<BR> <BR>A Man was sleeping at night in his cabin when<BR>suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day.<BR> <BR>For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore, and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.<P>Seeing that the man was showing signs of<BR>discouragement, the adversary decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's wear mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it."<P>Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort and that will be good enough." And that is what he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.<P>"Lord" he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?" <P>The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all, your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push, and now you come to me, with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are calloused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive<BR>and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have<BR>done. I, my friend will now move the rock."<BR> <BR>Often when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him. By all means exercise the faith that moves mountains, but know that it is still God who<BR>moves the mountains. (Author Unknown)<BR> <BR>If you are standing firm, you are making progress, even if you do not see that rock moving. Every day Bob and I hear from three types of standers. First, there are those who are tired of pushing. We also receives messages from those who have grown strong<BR>in their spiritual lives by pushing and standing. Third, we hear from those for whom the rock was suddenly moved. Today, don't attempt to measure how much the rock has moved. You assignment from God is to stand and push! He will move everything that makes your marriage "rocky."<P>"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God. You will receive what he has promised" (Hebrews 10:36)<BR> <BR>God bless,<BR>Charlyne Steinkamp<BR>Rejoice Marriage Ministries<BR>PO Box 11242<BR>Pompano Beach, FL 33061 <A HREF="http://rejoiceministries.org" TARGET=_blank>http://rejoiceministries.org</A> <BR>

Thanks SueB, I guess I missed that one!<P>I must have a build like "Arnold" by now <P>Taj

Thank you SueB for posting that message. I truly needed to hear that today. Guess I'll go back to "pushing the rock" today. <P>God bless you ladies<BR>MTAW<P>

Thanks, SueB. I had never heard that one. Glad you took the time to pass it along. J

Well, I found 2 counselors today, one male and one female. They both seem to be Christians but the woman is divorced due to infidelity on her husbands part! it even invades the counselors!!!!!!!<P>I ask that you would pray for wisdom for my h in choosing, I am going to leave it up to him. One is in town(the woman) and one is an 80 mile drive one way.<P>I can't even call this one so I'm just going to leave it to God to impress on my h the right choice!<P>See why I call my experience and "age-long minute". 11 1/2 yr affair 3 1/2 yr in recovery. Yup! Muscles like "Arnold"!<P>Taj

I'll be praying for you and H Taj.

Taj, <P>You are in my prayers, keep pushing that rock, and God will eventually move it for you.<P>SueB, that was beautiful, I'm sending it to my Inlaws.<P>We'll pray more tonight! Til then...<BR>Pookie

Taj,<BR>I'm sorry for all you have been going through. Keep your faith, it does seem to be at the low points when we seem to be doing all of the work that we say things very sharp. God will help be their for you. AS I know your faith is very strong and I do admire you very much.

Brown, I have wondering how you are doing. So sorry to hear about the flu. It sure doesn't help when everything else seems to be falling down around you. What is the latest on the divorce/no divorce, hubby moving home or not, etc.<P>Father, mighty God, King of kings and Lord of all. You are the great physician, healing mind and body, no one can compare to You. Heal your daughter Brown, let the edge of your robe touch her and wash her anew in Your love and mercy. Pour your heart of love into hers that no darkness can seep in. Give her eyes Your vision, that she sees all things from Your perspective, fresh and clean. Give her a boldness to address all issues in her marriage with Your forthrightness. <P>Teach all of us about Your expectations Father, and how to love in spite of the men we married and the situations we are in. Teach us how to pray effectively for our husbands that they may be blessed and honored. We intervene on their behalf Father, that You break the chains of all things that bind them to anyone or anything other than You. Help them to communicate Father, to speak openly and truthfully, as Jesus did, with love overflowing from their hearts. <P>Search us as women Father and show us those areas that we need to change; help us to take the logs out of our own eyes that we may be women worthy of being Your daughters. IJN Amen.

Well, we have an appointment on Monday at 2:30pm. I had a few minutes to explain the search to my h and he reacted like I thought but then decided to go with the female counselor anyway.....see what I mean, you never know.<P>Anyways, even though she was divorced due to infidelity, my h somehow felt her candor was refreshing. So, we'll see how it goes.<P>I don't have alot of faith in counselors due to past experience but maybe this time.....<P>Thanks for your prayers, Taj

Im pushing my rock!!!! Thanks SueB that was inspired for sure, and we all needed that...<P>I have posted once before, what a friend told me about expectations, but its good enough to post a second time....<P><B>Expectations are premeditated resentments</B><P>I have to keep digesting that one... its slow to sink in but sooooo true...<P>------------------<BR>Jesus is the only answer!<BR>His blessings, Cozy

ohhhhh, that is a good one, cozy! It really is one to chew one. Since my hubby has so many expectations for me, I even shared that one with him...and though he frowned and growled, later said he guessed that it was true...so even he is chewing on it! LOL<P>Father help us to understand and know the difference between having expectations and waiting in expectation for you and the answers that you will bless us with. Help us to display the confidence that comes from you, resting in your promises, showered by your peace that surpasses all understanding.<P>Father, I ask that you go before Taj and her husband and prepare the way for miracles to occur in this marriage. I ask that you prepare Taj and her husband's heart to be open and willing to be vulnerable to one another and to learn mighty things from you in this process of communication and oneness.<BR>I ask that you give this counselor, who has experienced similar hurt and therefore can provide comfort from the comfort that you gave her, supernatural wisdom and sensitivity to both Taj and her husband, that what her husband now sees as refreshing openess will continue to be positive and break down the barriers that remain between them. IJN, AMEN!

Our counseling session went pretty good. My h went in "loaded for bear"! He was body posturing so bad it was almost funny. He was stiff and stern and not smiling! Da ya think she got the message?????<P>Anyway, it got better and he seemed to relax a little. We basically had to fill her in on all the struggles since disclosure as well as the affair itself.<P>She thinks we are on the downward slope of healing and we've done a good job on our own. (I will give God the credit here!) She feels we have handled certain things in such a way that we have actually created some new problems and for that reason she feels we must "pick the scab off the wound" as she put it.<P>I actually feel hopeful that she can help us. She is very straight forward and wants answers which my H has never been able to give me. We'll see if she can get him to open up.<P>The couselor said there are things I need resolved before there will be total healing. Maybe, someone is actually listening to me for a change! <P>We don't meet for 2 weeks and she told my H during that time she wants him to think about why he had the affair. Until now he hasn't faced that question. He always says he took his eyes off of God. Of course that is true but there were things that lead up to that. THe last counselor said I may never get that answer, this one doesn't sound like we can get on with things until my H faces that question squarely.<P>I'm not sure if she is a Christian, she really didn't identify herself in that way and I couldn't sense either way. She did have a big poster of the "Velveteen Rabbit" which is a favorite story of mine. Like the Velveteen rabbit says , "when you become real most of your hair has been rubbed off!!<P>I think God has been trying to make me "Real", for my joints hurt and my hair has been rubbed off, and I feel very shabby. And yes, it does hurt! If you haven't read the book this won't make much sense to you but for those who have read it you'll understand. (By the way if you haven't read the "Velvetten Rabbit" go and get yourself a copy.....its really very profound for a childrens book.)<P>So, I am expectant again, hopeful again and trusting that God will use this individual to bring us through this "age-long minute".<P>Thanks for all your prayer, to God be the glory!<P>Blessings, Taj<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

Taj, the Velveteen Rabbit has always been a favorite book of mine as well!<P>Thank you Father, for hearing our prayers and carrying our hearts next to yours. Thank you that this counseling session went better than anticipated and that Taj feels some hope for healing of her marriage. <P>EZE 37:1 The hand of the LORD was upon me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. [2] He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. [3] He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"<BR> I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know."<P> EZE 37:4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, `Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! [5] This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath* enter you, and you will come to life. [6] I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "<P>Father, just as you breath life into these dry bones, breath life into our dry lifeless marriages. Where our tendons of connectedness have withered, attach new ones, strong sinewy and able to stretch as we grow in our relationship with each other and with you. Grow a new flesh of oneness around us that binds us ever tighter in one another, firm with you as the head and entertwine our hearts with your vision of relationship. Cover us with a new skin that withstands hardships and miscommunication and impermeable enough to allow the old things to pass away. Breathe life into our marriages Father, create in us a hunger and a thirst for the things of you and for each other. Restore our hope and as the body needs water for sustanence, pour in us the living water for all time that our marriages will be refreshed. We ask this in Jesus's name. Amen.<P>Pastor said that he read this passage this weekend and prayed that our marriage would be restored as the dry bones were. After rereading the passage, it awes me that if our God can retore tendons, flesh, skin and breathe life back onto old bones, He certainly can repair our marriages. <P>My task this week is to discover what things would fill my tank; as I seem to be somewhat of a sieve these days, what do I need to do to plug up some of those holes. What can I do to take care of myself and feel refreshed so that I do have some energy to give to my husband. Found out Pastor has been having email contact with my husband and that apparently this feels safer for my husband rather than face to face contact. Pastor still point out to him that he needs to deal with personal issues first to free the way for our own relational stuff. I am emotionally exhausted but have much to think and to pray about.<P>