SueB sent this to me in a private email. I'm passing it on with my comments. Very exciting.<P>> Gary Chapman is the one who wrote about the 5 love languages. Kevin<BR>> Lehman in the book, Sex begins in the kitchen, did a pretty good job of<BR>> tying Harley's and Gary Smalley's love bank stuff into the love<BR>> languages and it goes something like this:<BR>><BR>> 1. Words of Affirmation-Sincere compliments and encouraging words-this<BR>> person always has something nice to say and they often expect kind words<BR>> in return. One hallmark of this language is the way people ask for what<BR>> they want, i.e. "Love makes requests, not demands" Requires humility,<BR>> Demands are put-downs implying "I am important and you are not. Do this<BR>> for me, your desires don't matter." A humble request looks like<BR>> this-giving choices-"You probably have more important things to do, but<BR>> would you consider doing this? I would be grateful".<P>This is my oldest son, my first love, my OM, my sister, among others. Giving and receiving overt strokes is very important to them.<P>><BR>> 2. Quality Time-People show their love by simply being there, by<BR>> spending time with their mates. "It is a matter of being completely<BR>> there, being a companion, not just taking up space. It does not mean<BR>> that we have to spend our moments together gazing into each other's<BR>> eyes. It means we are doing something together and we are giving our<BR>> full attention to the other person." (This fits Harley's recreational<BR>> companionship category) Chapman breaks this down into two components:<BR>> One is simple togetherness, the other is quality conversation.<BR>><BR>> Quality conversation requires involvement, eye contact, full attention<BR>> (active listening), listening THROUGH the words for the feelings being<BR>> expressed, understanding the body language, not much interruption, a<BR>> soul-to-soul connection not just mind to mind.<P>This is me. Deep significant conversation on the conceptual level with anybody. I am a conceptualizer. Personal intimate revelation with closest friends.<P>><BR>> 3. Gifts-Some communicate their love in the language of gift-giving and<BR>> they look to receive it from others in the same way. gifts are visual<BR>> symbols of love, not a matter of money, tokens of our feelings for the<BR>> other...an investment of a certain amount of emotion, wisdom, time,<BR>> expense, and effort in the process of imagining, creating, choosing,<BR>> buying, wrapping, or transporting a gift to you, all because of love.<BR>><BR>> These gifts are often displayed, similar to trophies all around them,<BR>> not because they are greedy and put emphasis in "things" but because of<BR>> the way they prize the love behind the token of love. It is physical<BR>> evidence of love involved.<P>This is my mother-in-law. Enough is enough already!!! <P>> 4. Acts of Service-Sees love in doing things for others and expects this<BR>> same kind of action from others. In some ways I see this as similar to<BR>> the gift giving in that some of the acts of service may be help around<BR>> the house, remodeling, etc...visual things that show one's love.<P>I think you are right about my husband being here. When he is trying to make up to me he will even do the laundry, cook, wash dishes etc. But he gives me no positive feedback when I do things for him. They are demanded<BR>and expected. <P>I am afraid I have misinterpreted his acts of service. I always feel guilty about him needing to do my work, or him needing to work so long and hard. He makes sure I know how much a sacrifice it all is. I respond that he does it just because he likes to work. He always has worked like a horse. That I can do better on. He does say that I motivate him to work, give him incentive to go out and bust his balls all day every day. Thank you for giving me this insight, Sue. I can thank him more and ackowledge the meaning behind his service more directly.<P>This is also my mother, so you would think I would be a little bit more sensitive and fluent in this language!<BR>> 5. Physical Touch-Goes beyond sex, but seems to display itself in guys<BR>> via sex, but it is more than sex. It is about big and little kisses,<BR>> hand-holding, backrubs, arm around the shoulder, playing footsie,<BR>> sharing an armrest ot the movies, lightly stroking a hand...etc.<P>This is me to some extent. He likes sex and theraputic backrubs. He gives perfunctory touch which I could do without. I hate his backrubs. He is insensitive. But he is a fairly considerate lover. Not real tender though.<P>Having now discussed this with a couple of girlfriends, it seems the best way to quickly identify your own love language is to look at what you do with your own close friends and children more than with your spouse. If you are into hugs, strokes and touchy feely with many people, then touch is probably your primary love language. <P>Most of us seem to have a working knowledge of more than one language. My friend Karen had a really hard time identifying hers because she doesn't like to DO ANYTHING! Of course, hers is "simple companionship." How obvious!!!<P>Hope this helps. Sounds like another good reference book for the shelf.<P>Love, <P>Karenna<P>P.S. Keep us posted on your insights and experiences with this idea. What is your mother tongue in terms of these love languages?<P><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.