Hi all,<BR>I was hoping I wouldn't need to post a question here for a while since H and I are doing so much better, but now ther is another issue...so small by comparison to what some of you are having to deal with that I feel a little foolish even discussing it. Anyway, here it is:<P>Last week H told our good friend that he had made the decision to stay, that he and ow were more and more distant...occasional phone calls to see if she was alright in FL etc. And as I've posted, H has been so changed with me.....very much the loving H that I missed.<BR>However, there are loose ends that I know he doesn't want me to see ..I think because he knows it hurts my feelings. Ex. ,there was her address on a pck of film that had been developed at the time he told me she was saying she was pg and he was determined to move out. This pack of pictures had been in his car a long time, and when he brought themin t show some friends this weekend, he left them on the table. I went to look at them and realized that all the pictures of him except 1 were missing, and her address was on the back. I didn't say anything because of the possibility of it being done at that time when things were bad...and when H saw the address face up on the table, he tore the corner off the envelope and threw it away. I did aslhim what happened to all his pictures, and he never really explained (I'm sure he knows I'm smart enough to know) but said he'd have reprints made if there were some i wanted. (Phrased, I might add, as "don't worry honey, we can get reprints if you want)<BR>Anyway, now I've noticed that the cell phone #s are being erased selectively. He only is away from me when he goes to work. He could be calling on his way, or during his 10 minute break. He calls me at his lunch time before I go to bed, and again in the morning on his way home from work. The reason I know some of the calls are being erased is that sometimes he calls me twice and only one shows up. This statred happening after one evening when he and I both needed the cell phone, but he insisted on taking it because that is how he calls me to check on me each night. When he said that I just looked at him...sadly I'm sure...and it seemed to upset him.<BR>So, the dilemma is...I could go pull a detailed statement from the phone company, then confront him. But I don't want to do that because, whatever is happening, H is more and more loving to me each day. And that would be a HUGE lovebuster. So, do I do anything besides pray, or do I just step aside and let God handle it????????<P>What do you think?<BR>Kim<P>

Well girlfriend, I think it is a perfect question in light of our discussion regarding boundaries. In our desire to develop God's characteristics, we need to put on the same attitude, the humility, the honesty in love. You two are rebuilding and it is going well. You feel he is trying to protect you, so why can't you say that to him, that you are grateful for the way he is working so hard to build your family back up, and how grateful you feel about it all, how the love you have for him is increasing and how you don't want it spoiled by any dishonesty, even dishonesty that you suspect is done to protect you. He needs to know how his behavior affects you. I doubt that he even realizes to what extent he is hurting you by this, specially since he seems to be working so hard on the relationship.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But I don't want to do that because, whatever is happening, H is more and more loving to me each day. And that would be a HUGE lovebuster. So, do I do anything besides pray, or do I just step aside and let God handle it????????<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just that. Let it go. You know. God knows. H suspects you know. Digging, probing and checking right now would be LB. <P>When you think he is ready for it, introduce the four gifts of love, including Honesty and Openness, and POJA. Someday you may be able to voice the hurt you feel knowing he is still calling and/or getting calls during this time of reconciliation. But that may not be for years.<BR>

Sue is right again as usual. If you can be as oblique as she suggests and lovingly decline to be deceived, YES!!!

The problem seems to be that H has never been a person to verbalize his feelings. Even when he was young (according to MIL) he wouldn't talk about things...he would hear you out, then change his actions. If an apology was necessary, he would offer it once, sincerely and then move on. He has not said to ME in so many words that we are working on our marriage, but rather, he talks about the future, has made plans to start a part-time business together, and has changed his actions to reflect a committment to the marriage. He verbalized his desire to stay and give up the OW to our friend, who knowing how H refuses to talk, has passed this info along to me because he knew I really needed to hear it. I pray all the time that H will eventually be able to talk to me himself but it will be a long time. Therefore, I can't say I appreciate that you are trying so hard but......<BR>Also, when he confessed to the sffir, he commented that he COULDN'T stay married to me. Not that he wanted to be married to her but that after the affair he COULDN'T stay with me. I asked why he couldn't, and the response indicated that he was afraid that it would be something that he would have to deal with everyday...that I wouldn't be able to let it go. So I feel like if I do let him know that I've snooped and therefore think he's erasing things, that he'll view that as evidence that he'll be under a microscope forever. <BR>Believe me, I look for ways everyday to express or convey through actions how his actions make me feel....I'm very readable especially when I don't try tocover up. And he does know that any suspicious action pulls a funny look from me and a period of withdrawal and quiet...for instance, today he got a back pack for carrying some of his stuff to work. I deep down feel like he wanted the pack and just wanted to justify getting it (I kept asking if he really needed one)..but he said he'd like to change from his nasty uniform at work before coming home. I asked about the dirt, he said they have showers there. i pointed out that it is ridiculous to shower and change at 5a.m. then come home and go to sleep. He suggested that if he showered and changed he might actually be able to stay up until 10 am before sleeping like he's been trying to do. A viable point if he still comes home on time. I did get very quiet for a while and he did ask what was wrong....I told him it just seemed strange to me, asked if he planned on going visiting at 5 in the morning..to which he replied no, grinned and said he just wanted to use his pack. On the upside, before when he was really involved with ow if I got suspicious about anything, he got really defensive and argumentative. Now when I get quiet, he must realize I'm working through a suspicious moment and he is loving and sweet and seems as if he's trying to comfort me.<BR>I guess for now, I'll wait and see...if he starts coming home late, I'll confront him about that.<BR>Kim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> guess for now, I'll wait and see...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>As long as you recognize that this is a choice you are making. What I heard in your post was fear controlled by his comment that he was sure he would hear about this the rest of your lives together. One way to address this is to say, " honey, once you said you couldn't stay married to me because blah, blah would occur. I don't want that to happen to either of us, so is it possible to get it out in the open, discuss it and then be able to be freed from it forever? I love you so much and don't want anything to get in the way of our relationship."<P>Just because someone hasn't talked in the past, doesn't mean it has to stay that way. One of the reasons it may have occured tht way as a child was that he felt he wasn't being listened to or heard when he did talk, that it didn't matter what he said. Since you are becoming parents, one way to start this is to talk about the way each of you were raised in regards to discipline and you might identify something that you didn't like that your parents did and that you would like not to do when raising your child together. Find out if there are similar things in his childhood that he doesn't want to repeat. He may make a statement and you encourage it by saying " really?" Tell me about it" and then REALLY listen, empathizing where it fits, "Gosh that must have been hard on you", "boy that must have hurt your feelings, if it was me, I would have been angry" etc.

Just a quick note about the cell phone numbers..... many cell phones do not record the number each time it is called but record it once for each number <I>the way it was called</I>(i.e., you called xxx# at 6:15 then again at 7:30, one outgoing call shows up.... but the same number that is called can show up twice if it is dialed (not speed dial) and then called a different way, like from the internal phone list). So don't worry about the number of calls. Let go of it, pray about it and hand it to the Lord, then take your Joy in the Lord back.

Thanks for your input. I decided that the smartest way to go was to sstand by what has worked all summer.......pray and let it go. and as it turns out things are even better now than last week. I was insecure about his taking clothes to work to change into and about him having to work on a Friday night...then by chance a friend of mine whose H also works for same company called and mentioned that a bunch of the men went to play pool right after work on Thursdays but her H didn't go because he was too tired and dirty....she did mention he could have taken a shower in the locker room at work if he'd really wanted to go. Then she told me that her H had been asked to work Friday because of some project they had to get ready. So my fears were eased (unfounded).<BR>H also went with me to childbirth classes this weekend. i feared he wouldn't go or would be awful (as at our last class at the beginning of summer) but he got off work at 4:30 a.m. and still went. The class was from 9am til 4 pm. He was so tired, but he made a wonderful effort...positive all day, very loving, touchy and supportive. I could not have asked for more. <BR>And please don't think I've quit praying just because the emergencies seem to have passed. I pray thanks to God everytime H walks out the door to go to work because now he kisses me each time. i praise God each time H comes home or calls, each time he touches me, holds me, everytime the baby moves, everytime a friend gets in touch...they've been such a powerful blessing in our recovery process.....and all the glory is God's. I could not have done this alone.....in fact, left to my own devices according to my regular temperament, H would have been long gone before i found out about the supposed PG of OW, and she would have had an earful from me as well. Only by the grace of God was I able to hold my tongue and keep a positive direction.<P>Kim