I have a question that I have been struggling with for years now. I hope someone here can help me with this one.<P>I have read all the scriptures as they pertain to marriage and divorce. The marriage I'm struggling to save is my second (my H's first). <P>Before I married my *1st* H, we went through premarital counseling with our (my) pastor. When we began, my H-to-be was not a professing Christian. During the course of our counseling he confessed to have accepted Jesus as his Savior. I was thrilled because I knew we would have the Lord as the head of our household. Needless to say, his acceptance failed to produce fruit, and I've even wondered if Satan didn't set up this deception *and* my disobedience in the choice of my 1st H. Our lives were happy for a while, but turned into a horrible nightmare. I felt like he had lied to me about accepting Jesus just to ensure that I would marry him.<P>I finally divorced my first husband after he pulled a gun in my house in a drunken rage -- with my children right there! I bolted from the house that day and never looked back. He was alcoholic and abusive and I could not see my way through living my life that way with three children. We had been living the cyclical life-pattern of my addicted H. Our divorce was final within about 3 months -- he never contested it, never even filed a response. <P>I had been divorced for almost 10 years when I married my second husband. I counseled with our minister (he also performed our marriage ceremony) before we got married, but was still never clear about whether I should have remarried or not. My 2nd H is (and has been since a youngster) a professing Christian. Before we married, we attended church regularly, and I felt that God had brought me this wonderful man to be my husband. Over the course of our marriage, we both fell away from regular church attendance because of moves, etc., but my faith never wavered even though my walk was not straight. I felt my H was similarly still an unchurched Christian. Looking back, I can see that we were not putting God first in our lives. <P>Now, that my H has committed adultery and wants to divorce me, I can't help but wonder if my 2nd marriage was never holy in the eyes of God. I don't feel my H is "listening" to wise counsel at all, from God or other Christians. He is following his own course and allowing it to lead him in a direction that he *wants* to move in, regardless of God's will or command.<P>My Christian counselor says that although God doesn't change, our society is full of Christian's who are in their 2nd, 3rd, etc. marriages and there are very happy ones out there. What is that supposed to mean?<P>I know God hates divorce and He also says if a woman divorces she should not remarry. He also says that a woman cannot remarry or she must reconcile with her H. My 1st H is the same man I divorced 16 years ago -- no, worse. He's still an alcoholic, a deadbeat dad and so sick with his alcoholism he often can't even work. Reconciliation? Not in a million-zillion years! I feel sorry for him and I care about what happens to him, but I could never, ever feel anything for him that ventures close to marital love.<P>So where does that leave me? Was my 2nd marriage never sanctified in God's eyes? What about my 1st?? My 2nd H and I were married by a Christian preacher and said our vows before God. Is the failure of my 2nd marriage due to my disobedience to God? If, in fact, this marriage is dissolved by my H (not me, I won't do it!), can I never think about remarriage (my 3rd!) ever, ever again? Am I doomed to be by myself the rest of my earthly days? I have been praying for the restoration of my marriage, but am I praying outside of God's will? <P>Can someone help me with this? I don't know what to think. I want to be obedient and faithful. What does God want me to do?<P>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

KristyAnn,<P>You have some very valid questions and concerns. These are dilemas that many Christians are facing today. The most important thing is to seek God's will for your situation.<P>My church is currently facing the difficulty of answering the questions you have posed. We have lost quite a few couples from our church over these issues and it is definately causing division in the body.<P>Number one I feel we must face these questions with grace not condemnation. God has layed out a framework for marriage and yes He hates divorce but because of the hardness of mans heart God needed to make a way for His children to live in peace.<P>If your first marriage was abusive to you or your children it is not surprising that it came to an end. God does not make us remain in situations of danger. If your first h was unwilling or unable to overcome his alcoholism and it endangered your family I believe God gave a way of escape and that was divorce.<P>In regards to remarriage, it must always be to a believer. That is very clear in scripture. You have studied the bible and I need not quote verbatim the verses. Remarriage for the Christian must be to another believer.<P>You must seek God's peace in your life and circumstances. It would seem that if your h is a believer it is God's perfect will for you to be together. At this point that is what I would concentrate on. Don't let the devil sidetrack you into areas would take your mind off the restoration of your marriage.<P>Lord, restore this marriage. Reveal your mind to KristyAnn and her husband. Let your word direct in this circumstance and lead this family to wholeness. Restore what the locusts have eaten and may this family shine for you. Give clarity of thought and direction so that Your will may be clearly known and followed. Bind the strongman from thoughts which would only distract from the uniting anew of these your children. IJN<P>------------------<BR>"Perfect love casts out fear" I John 4:18

Thank you, Taj,<P>Your words are a great encouragement to me. I, too, feel that it is God's will for my H and I to be together. <P>This morning in church, part of the message was how unrepentant sin, even for believers, can also mean spiritual death. I worry about my H's spiritual health because I know he has sinned, and is still sinning, with no apparent repentance. Only God knows his heart, but I have been praying for him.<P>Today is our sixth anniversary and I'm feeling very blue. Prayers for comfort and peace would be greatly appreciated.<P>Thank you for your prayers. I truly want God's will in my life -- above all else.<P>Love and prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

KristyAnn,<P>I realize I don't fit into the Women's Bible Study group, but since I am in a somewhat similar situation, I thought I would offer something that helped me decide to stand for God to heal our marriage and family.<P>In our marriage it is my wife's second marriage and my first. She tore apart the family last year and then filed for divorce in December 1999, after 24 years together. As usual, my friends and family said I should walk away and start over, but I was unwilling to do so.<P>I came across information on standing for God to heal your marriage and family in several places, but they were unclear to me on the issue of whether a second marriage was valid. The best advice I received was to pray and fast, seeking God's will for our marriage.<P>After a time I came across a book by Craig Hill "Marriage. Covenant or Contract" that I feel helped me make the decision. <A HREF="http://www.familyfi.org/Main-family_f.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.familyfi.org/Main-family_f.htm</A> <P>In chapter 4 he covers the issue of second marriages. Here are some parts that might help you. I recommend ordering the book if you feel it might be of help, it has been for me in my situation.<P><BR>p.39<BR>"...there are two areas of sin to be dealt with in this case: 1)Divorce and 2)Remarriage. Covenant breaking is the primary issue of which there must be repentance. Covenant breaking occurs with divorce for the initiating partner. It occurs for a 'victim' or recipient of divorce at the time of his/her own remarriage."<P>"This sin of remarriage then must be dealt with just as is any other sin, through repentance and forgiveness."<P>"Until there is repentance and agreement with God there is always a lingering guilt and condemnation in the heart. Are divorce and remarriage unpardonable sins? No more so than fornication and abortion."<P>pp.41-42<BR>"Every time I have seen a remarried couple acknowledge the sin of their divorce and of their remarriage, repent of these sins, forsake their justification of it, and come into agreement with God regarding it, there has been a new freedom which has come into their relationship."<P>pp.42-43<BR>"When there is no former faithful marriage partner believing God for the restoration of the former marriage, and there is genuine repentance and forgiveness for the sins of divorce and remarriage, I believe that we could view a subsequent marriage of previously divorced persons as a covenant much like that which was made between the Israelites and the Gibeonites as recorded in the book of Joshua, chapter 9."<P><BR>I cannot offer you any advice on what to do, only you can decide that. Regarding the matter of remarriage if our spouses choose to never come back to the relationship, I believe the Bible is clear that we are not to marry another if we accept the principle of marriage being a covenant rather than a civil contract. In my case I have made a commitment to never have a close relationship with another woman if my wife chooses not to return. Each of us must make our own decision on such matters of course.<P>Perhaps what I have offered might be of some help to you in your situation. I hope I have not offended you or any of the other ladies here by posting this, that certainly was not my intention.<P>Ron

Ron,<P>Thank you so much for your very insightful post. You have given your response much thought and I know I have learned from your being a part of this thread. Please join us at any time you feel led.<P>I plan on printing this thread for further reflection. As I said, our church has been in turmoil over this issue for several years and you bring up some very valid points.<P>Thanks again,<BR>Taj