First, the good news. Guard & I have been together since May and he hasn't walked out once. And we've had some very tough talks, discussions, fights.<P>He truly seems like a different man from the past 2 years, he's seeking the right things. He has faith, he's experience God's forgiveness, he's being a husband--not perfect, but mine.<P>I feel about like a crumpled kleenex. Lately for every good day, I have an equally bad day where I have no hope, no energy, nothing seems to be accomplished. In the evenings my one glass of wine with my H to relax has turned into enough so that I am numbed to the pain. So...I don't have the glass of wine...and I don't sleep because I fear the future, I fear a repetition of the past. <P>And right now, the main fear is that the last 2 years H has been with me & our daughters during the holidays, then left us right around New Years. The Enemy is using this memory/trigger to rip me apart.<P>I know fear does not come from God, nor does this stumbling block cycle I feel trapped in. Last year at this time I was praying through POPW and I recall that I felt strong, now I feel weak, praying desperate "help me" prayers. I probably seem ok to others, most of the time, but I'm having a difficult time feeling that I am ok.<P>I think part of this is that in deciding to fully reconcile with my H, all the walls built by his rejection, infidelty, abandonment must come down and in loving & trusting him I feel vulnerable once again--and when I was last vulnerable, he broke my heart, repeatedly. It's really difficult to risk it again--but I am in the midst of risking it, and if our marriage is going to heal, I have to get through this. "Walk *through* the valley of the shadow of death".<P>I suppose this all comes down to: I can trust God with this, he does have a plan. He does want my marriage to succeed. He does want my H and me to the be the cleaved (cloven?) husband and wife he intended.<P>Anyone else just get plain scared during recovery? Any suggestions of prayers?<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."<BR>(Proverbs 15:1).

<B>Lor</B><P>Will be praying, lighting a candle for you! <P>I am also going to keep an eye on this thread...in case someone comes up with a prayer for you. I am going to use it as well. Having similar feelings.<P>It is just like you said, the time of year, the triggers and the Enemy using our left weakness' (fear) against us. Think how steaming mad and frustrated he is that we haven't lost our marriages. One of his big jobs is to destroy families and marriages.<P>Much love my dear, all is going to be well this year, and right into 2001. Just wait and see! <P>------------------<BR><B>Pray and praise the Lord, let Him handle it. All things are possible with God. Even healing our marriages. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by it's me Samantha (edited December 19, 2000).]

Lor,<P>If you've read my latest thread you know I am experiencing much the same thing as you are. Been there.....done that! The wine thing is a struggle for me as well Lor. I know my excuses never add up to much in light of the fact I am to lean on God not on "white zin"!!!!!!<P>Discouragement is coming full force on so many of us this month. Just past d-day year 5 beginning.......eeeehhhhhh gadddddddsss, when does a person stop counting?<P>God, we can't do it apart from You. Our every effort is nothing but wood, hay and stubble. We look to You and You alone to pave a path, or chisel out a tunnel, or light the darkness. Please Father, look down on our hearts and see our desire is for restoration, hold up our arms for they become so weak. You have said in our weakness we shall find Your strength, so we await Your incarnation of power in our lives. Anoint us with a deeper desire then ever to trust You for the outcome. IJN

Lor,<BR>I have been out of it for the last week, with finals and fighting the bite of discouragement myself. But I know God is in it. I had a really hard conversation last night, and feel like I only pushed him into her arms more. BUT I know that God's plans cannot be thwarted. And as much as I want him home, I have to admit I don't want anyone who feels he is entitled to his happiness regardless of what it does to me and now he includeds the kids. <P>In a couple of other threads here I wrote about a sermon on the Times Square Church site that talks about discouragement being from the enemy. It is called "When You Come To The End of Yourself" (Bec 28, 1998)<P>It can happen to anyone and often happens when you feel you are walking the closest. It is the enemy. And also when something triggers an old wound or fear it brings up with it all the other similar feelings or times that it happened. For instance you have a fear of abandonment. This brings up not only the specific incident you are thinking about, but the times when he was there but didn't respond, abandonment issues from your childhood that may not have been resolved, times when you may have abandoned or not attended to someone's needs that you regret. Therefore it is a really double wammy! with lots of feelings and fears. <P>The important thing to do is acknowledge them, understand where they come from and then work through giving them to God (Usually one piece at a time). Don't beat yourself up but stand firm and yell at the enemy "I will not be defeated. Yes, I have been discouraged and yes I am fearful, but I will not fear and choose to believe that God is in this. He is sovereign and I choose Jesus as my way." It will help, but take a stand against the enemy. He is the one who is reminding you.<P>I praise God that He is there to cry out too. I told him today I can't do this anymore. I am not giving up my stand, but I just can't hope so hard. If it is his will to restore us then He will, but I can't do anything more. I know He is jumping up and down and saying finally getting out of my way? I hope so I will respond.<P>I have seen so many of us besides Taj (in which I owe an email myself, I'll get to it soon Taj I promise) who have been facing the sting from the enemy's bite of discouragement. It is a deep wound and one that only Jesus, Christ in us can heal. But we have to choose to be healed and trust Him to do it. Lor try to focus on what Jesus has restored and be not afraid, God is ever with you in this. He loves you and Guard!<P>Father, protect Lor from the discouragement that the enemy seeks to plant in her heart. This is a tough time around negative anniversaries. Lord, bring her friends to encourage her. Put Your Spirit in her heart to hold her firm in Jesus. Let Guard attend to Lor in even greater ways that assure her. Lord, bring them together to speak their fears to one another and then to turn them over to You for healing. Lord, draw them ever closer together in Jesus. Lord hear their prayers and their cries and protect them from the enemy. Put an extra hedge of protection around them. Let them stay in Your hands, in the safety of Your shelter, and let them remember not what was for a little bit but on what You have restored and let them rejoice in a God that cares so much. In Jesus name, Amen.

Dear Lor, oh, I know so well what you are feeling! Many, many times I have felt those feelings.....unable to trust my husband, always leary of what he might do to me again. I never, ever, ever want to go through the pain and heartache I felt during the years leading up to our separation. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>in loving & trusting him I feel vulnerable once again--and when I was last vulnerable, he broke my heart, repeatedly<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Same thing for me, except that my husband is not being the kind of husband he should be. It is a major struggle to keep my mouth shut each day as I watch my dear husband drink himself into oblivion and become that monster again. Without the Lord there is NO WAY I could keep from coming unglued. <P>Lord, please be with Lor tonight, and every night calming her fears, and removing the enemy's presence. Lord, let Lor turn a deaf ear to the lies of Satan, cast him far away from Lor and her family. I pray Lord that You place a hedge of protection around Lor, and her family, completely encompassing them, so that no attacks of the enemy can get through. Lord draw Lor and Guard even close to you and each other. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. Give Lor the strength she needs to endure this trial and help her Father to completely trust in You. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN

Our dear and precious Father, Please hear our cries for those of our sisters here. For Lori and all those who are discouraged. Be reminded that we are YOUR daughters. Be reminded that You have united Yourself to us with an unbreakable oath that even You cannot unbind yourself from. Father remember Lori and the rest of us in these days when we stumble to stay awake or fully alive. Father walk us through these days and may they go quickly. Strengthen us and be our sustainance and our provision. Sustain and uphold us for Your glory that our praise may continue from our lips. Father for Lori during this time give her the special knowing and feel of your presence. Speak to her heart Your love! Sustain her daily and continually momentarily and remind her thoughts and hearts of you and of all Your plans for her! Help her sight to see You Father. Walk beside her especially during this time of previous bad memories. Help us to understand that the future is not the past and help us to Know Father how to deal differently and remind us that you are in control. Help us to "remain" where you have put us and where You would have us to "remain". In Your son's name, Jesus,<P>Amen.

I'm not sure why I stopped by here.<P>I have been thinking about you. This season is a bit bittersweet for me, too.<P>My H's affair was going on two years ago right now. <P>Anybody that knows me knows how much I LOVE Christmas and throw myself into it. The other day my daughter said "Someday, we will have to sing Christmas songs at your funeral." Since we are comfortable with death, her words were actually affectionate, and not as morbid as it sounds.<P>Anyway, it has occured to me that the Enemy targeted me at the time of year it would hurt the most.<P>I just wanted to know I am praying for you. Since my own religious upbringing is not as demonstrative as most here, I don't participate as much, but my prayers for you are sincere.

Dear Lor,<P>Isaiah 54:16,17<P>"See, it is I who created ther blacksmith<BR>who fans the coals into flame<BR>and forges a weapon fit for its work.<BR>And it is I who created <BR>the destroyer to work havoc;<P>no weapon forged against you will prevail,<BR>and you will refute every tongue that accuses you.<BR>This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord,<BR>and this is their vindication from me."<P><BR>I noted Isaiah 54:17 down during a healing ministry because my WS and I felt that the wicked OP was still scheming to destroy our marriage. It has been sending parcels to WS. I cannot control actions of OP and only God can banish her evil plans and schemes and when I commit that to God and pray that verse, I feel protected from the enemy.<P>Lor, I understand how you feel, particularly in the light of the two recent meetings at functions. During those socials, I think you felt that she was still hovering around and the 'tension' that Guard displayed must have made you feel discouraged. I am happy for you that you both are really working it out. Perhaps, you can speak to Guard about setting aside the trigger days to light a candle and pray for your marriage and each other and the children?<P>Have you tried fasting and praying about this specific fear and issue? You can do it alone or together with your H.<P>I feel inadequate in giving you advice as I face great discouragement and anger in my situation. I hope to impart some suggestions that others have given me, and I hope something sticks.<P>God bless and protect your marriage<BR>take care<BR>with love<BR>weep

Sorry, ladies, I didn't mean to post & disappear. The morning I posted I called Guard when I got to work and asked him to pray with me. He works in an open cubicle, so there are times he doesn't feel enough privacy to do the praying. So, he agreed with me, then stopped by at lunchtime and brought me 2 historical santa figures. He does not want me to fall apart, but so often I approach him for reassurance in exactly the wrong way--worried, fearful--and it just reminds him of the bad times.<P>Many of you know that Guard turned his life to God last winter. I went into a kind of "wait and see" if it was real or if it would last. It has, but, imagine this, he doesn't do things like I would . D'ya suppose that's why we were created male & female, so there is more than one way to do things? <BR> <BR>But one of the things I have asked for since he moved home is that we would pray together, but at the same time, I have been the spiritual leader of our home, and I want him to take that over...so I've stood back, making that role available AND waiting for him to pray with me. It just isn't happening, so my new thought is that when I feel spiritually pressed, like on Tues., I'm going to ask him to pray with or for me.<P>We've still got some enemy footholds to knock off, and what would be a better way than for us to pray for each other? I'm also wondering if that won't help our communication as well, since instead of confronting Guard with something I think is going wrong, I present it to God. Guard knows what is on my mind, but we can avoid the "big" discussions he hates so much.<P>Samantha, Taj, hw, AW, HM, FHL, weep--your support, prayers & Bible verses are so appreciated. I think the Enemy is very active this time of year, stirring up lusts and stupid behavior with parties and drinking, then also activating fears of years past, even if this years actions are ok and even worse, if the WS actions are suspicious. I've been falling into the trap of "it will never be all right". What a lie. My marriage IS all right, just needs love and care and healing. Thanks so much for being here. It is eye-opening that so many of us are being attacked in the same way.<P>We're going back to our home towns for a few days for Christmas, leaving tomorrow. We haven't been "home for Christmas" for 4 years. 4 years when everything changed...and now we are back together.<P>Guard has suggested to me that I cut down on drinking. And, seeing your name, Alcoholic's Wife, and recalling your story, struck those words home. It isn't like I *need* a vice... Wouldn't the Enemy just love for me to crawl inside a bottle and stop battling him.<P>Guard and I have come so far and have so much going for us--little or no contact with OP, we're in a couples' Bible study that our counselor leads, we're developing new friends, recovering old friends that were scared away, creating common interests beyond just our children, although I think the existence & well-being of our kids was another key ingredient in Guard coming back. Sometimes, I forget how much I have to be grateful for.<P>Merry Christmas and a much better New Year to everyone as we set our feet upon the Path.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Hi Lor,<P>The following is a prayer that I especially love. It was written to bless a new marriage, but in a way that is what recovery is I believe. I hope it will comfort you as it does me.<P>Eternal God, Creator and redeemer, from whom comes every good and perfect gift, fill Lor and Guard with the riches of your grace and breathe into their marriage the strength of your holy and life-giving Spirit.<P>Send upon them the gift of love that puts no limit to its faith and forbearance. Sow in their lives the joy that comes from sharing and grows with giving.<P>Let peace spring from their faithfulness to each other and flow deeper with the passing years. Give them patience with their failures<BR>and persistence with their hopes.<P>May their kindness, born of a gracious heart<BR>be shown to others in a generous spirit. <BR>Let goodness flower with forgiveness<BR>and be the fruit of their married life.<BR>In gentleness let them be tender with each other's dreams and healing of each other's wounds.<P>Gracious God, accept our prayers for Lor and Guard, that as their love ripens and their marriage matures they may reap the harvest of the Spirit, rejoice in your gifts and reflect your glory in Christ Jesus our Lord. <P>Amen.<P>With love and best wishes,<P>Peppermint<BR>