hw,<BR>I've been quietly joining you in prayers for your friend who worked in the wtc. The impact worldwide is unbelievable. I cannot pretend to fathom how you and others in the vicinity are coping. I am thinking of you and thankful that your immediate family is safe.

Lonesome. thanks so much for the prayers! And now PRAISE THE LORD, for He is sooo good. I finally got a response to my email to my friend. Yes she was in the building but she got out. She works on the 66th floor on the first tower to be hit and which was hit much higher up. As soon as she found out the building was on fire she was out of there and made all her staff leave too. She worked there through the last attack and she remembered all the smoke and didn't want to face that again. She was not able to walk until yesterday (pain from hoofing it down 66 flights!)<P>I would appreciate prayers for my situation in that my h said to me yesterday "why don't we skip divorce mediation." I'm not sure what it means and don't want to jump to any conclusions because i have been disappointed before. We couldn't talk and he is suppose to come by today later. <P>It is in God's hands. But please pray against all separation, divorce, and adultry. Ask God to give Jack life in Jesus Christ. Also let him have no peace in his relationship with the other woman. I know God is in the middle of it whatever my h is thinking.<P>thanks for asking! how are you doing lonesome?<P>hw

hw, I am so glad to hear good news about your friend who worked in the wtc. Did your H come by to talk yet? I wonder too what he meant by skipping mediation. <P>hw, I have to say your determination and dedication to your marriage is awesome and admirable. You have experienced such heartache and rejection, yet you still stand for your marriage. In a way, I too want a fully functional, happy, healthy marriage. At the same time, I am making plans for a separation. The kind of marriage I want doesn't seem to be on the menu. <P>Tomorrow I have an appointment with the local veteran counselling center to find out what is available for my H. I will be asking them if they have temporary shelter for vets, or better yet an inpatient treatment program. I feel a great need for solitude, a need for time away from my H. I know God hates divorce. My reality, however, is a relationship that loosely resembles a marriage. We have no intimacy in any sense of the word. Essential ingredients of a marriage are absent in this house. My H takes care of the garden, works part-time, and all other responsibilities fall on me. The imbalance of the relationship has drained and smothered my spirit. If my marriage were a plant, it would be a potted geranium that died from lack of water years ago. <P>I posted my first message here in the bible study forum in August of last year. I have learned volumes from MB, from SueB's mentoring, from your online prayers hw, from my counsellor, from the Christian radio station that I listen to every day. I have learned that I have shielded my H from consequences of his actions by shouldering responsibilities which belong to him. I have learned about the difference between a parent/child interaction and interaction between adults. I have learned about emotional and verbal abuse and accepted it as a truth in my life. I have learned about boundaries (and still botch it more often than not). I have learned that fixing this marriage is beyond my control. I have learned that it is time to move to the next step. I am learning to let go. I am bracing myself for the consequences of my mistakes which I deserve, and praying for forgiveness and a miracle at the same time. I have learned to ask God for a softer heart. I have learned to turn my eyes toward heaven when I am weary and hand over my burdens to the only capable hands in this universe. And that's where I am. <P>Two weeks ago, I told my mom I want to ask my H for a separation. On the way home, I felt peaceful and downright joyful inside. Kinda seems like mixed signals if you ask me, especially as I rub elbows with dedicated women like you hw. I just pray and hope I'm not a runaway train about to careen off the track into disaster. Wanting a separation doesn't seem like part of God's plan, but I am less and less tolerant of my H's nonparticipation in this marriage. I'm not one to take a literal interpretation of the bible, but in this case, maybe I get a good feeling when I think about separation because I literally need to get out of God's way in order for Him to reach my H. My H needs help and mountains of it!<P>I will pray with you hw that your marriage may be restored. As always, I can use a couple of prayers myself (and tenfold for my hard as nails H). While I'm at it, I pray for the health of ymon and her soon to be born child. And I send very special prayers to SueB who has truly been an angel on earth for me. I pray that her ankle is fully healed and painfree by now, along with her heart, her soul and her family. And Paha, may your long wait for employment put you in a place where you can shine. IJN, Amen.

lh,<P>We have all been to the school of God's learning. God has been teaching me many of the same lessons. Contro and bpoundaries those are two of the big ones. I have a hard time responding appropriately with my emotions spontaneously. I can in hindsight and i am getting better about responding in the moment. My h has sutlely been verbally abusive. So over the years my sensitivity to inappropruate verbal interactions has been dulled. However with work i am beginning to respond faster. It is funny my training as a clinical social worker has helped greately but also I can recognize inappropriate reactions in others faster then in my own verbal interactions.<P>Although I think it is harder to work on a relationship while separated, it certaily is warrented in many circumstances. If your h is verbally abusive all the time then, you do need a break. Also some men won't choose to make changes until forced to. So temporary separations can be beneficial. I think counseling during separation is very beneficial but I don't remember how he feels about this or if he will get involved.<P>Does he know you are thinking about separation?<P>No my h still hasn't talked to me. He was driving to Boston for some meetings. I wonder if she drove him? But then I decided it didn't matter and I stand by Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Only God can change my h and in His timing.<P>I pray John 5:16 each day "Asking God to give my h life in Jesus Chrsit. I also have picked out scriptures and pray them every day for my h. I know God is working, but it does take time.<P>I will keep you in my prayers. Seek the Lord in all you do and you can't go wrong.<P>God Bless, hw<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Although I think it is harder to work on a relationship while separated, it certaily is warrented in many circumstances. If your h is verbally abusive all the time then, you do need a break. Also some men won't choose to make changes until forced to. So temporary separations can be beneficial. I think counseling during separation is very beneficial but I don't remember how he feels about this or if he will get involved. Does he know you are thinking about separation?<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks for writing back hw. H doesn't know I'm thinking about divorce. When I contemplate a separation, I see it as a time to get a bankruptcy filed so that a divorce can follow shortly thereafter. He blames me for our financial mess, even though his failure to contribute to the household financially for three years is the primary reason for facing bankruptcy in the first place. He is a nonparticipant on many fronts. <P>Reconciliation doesn't interest me. My appointment at the veteran center was postponed until October 5. H did attend marriage counselling with me for 4 months. He would stay in the room as I spoke my mind (at home he storms out the back door and hides in the garden). After four months, though, he said he felt like a whipping post and refused to go back. He's more and more withdrawn. He needs the counselling which the veteran center can provide. In the past he has been adamantly opposed to seeking benefits or counselling from the VA. <P>Only he can decide whether to accept help. It is he who must realize that he NEEDS that counselling. The line I'm drawing in the sand is self care. His level of self care is in the basement. Until this year, I've taken care of responsibilities that belong to him. It has drained me considerably, and my need for solitude is great. I need to heal, regroup, and rebound. I don't think I can do that with him in the house. I am hopeful that the loving caring man deeply embedded in concrete can break free. I know there's a man like that in him somewhere. That man is hidden from view. He can stay embedded in that concrete, or he can decide for himself that he needs to break free of the bondage of his own mind. <P>I feel confident that moving away from him is the right thing to do...for me. For him, I worry that he'll go off the deep end and possibly attempt suicide. In previous times when I express displeasure with the marriage or the finances, he grows very dark, picks the worst possible scenario and announces it as the next thing that will happen. When I moved out for a month last december, he made references to "not being around much longer". It scared me. I worried that he might make me a widow, but he didn't. I think he was hoping a rock would fall from the sky and take him off the planet, but still I worry that his depression is so strong that he could do something drastic. If there's just one thing that's changed in this marriage, I think it's his knowledge that I'm less and less tolerant of his passive control. I am simply not going to let it be part of my future. I'm gonna try anyway. <BR>

lonesome,<P> I am keeping you in my prayers and trusting the Lord to lead you in His path.<P>hw

Hi Lonesome,<P>We haven't had a computer since July and just got the one I'm using now, so I haven't been on the forum at all. It has been good in a way to take the break. But when I did have a chance to get back on I looked for any updates from you. <P>Your news is sad, but it sounds like the only thing you can do. As you say, your husband isn't offering you much of a marriage at all. I recently read a book called "Living with the Passive Aggressive" (I'm not sure if that is the exact title since I don't have the book right in front of me). It described my husband very well and I'm sure yours also. For me it was a relief to see things more clearly, but also made me mad as I read the frustrations of living with someone who really doesn't work with you or offer you much of a marriage. It is a complicated situation, and I think you only understand it if you have lived with someone like that. I'm sure you know it all too well. <P>I'll keep praying for you. You have persevered a long time and tried hard to make things work in your marriage, I know. Let me know how things progress. It must be very painful for you (but living with it is painful too).<P>I feel like I'm rambling here. Just wanted to let you know I still think of you and I understand your choices/decisions very well. God bless you.