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Joined: May 2000
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I was raised to be kind, courteous and thoughtful, and I'm grateful that it's a quality I still possess. <hr></blockquote><p>Hi Lonesome,
Those qualities are good and define you. If you brought the blanket based on who YOU are, then don't beat yourself up. You were offering help, just as you would to anyone in the same situation. However, you feel bad - so I'm wondering if you were really motivated by who YOU are (which is good) OR if you were motivated by guilt and the "need" to feel helpful and do all you can (which would be carrying someone). Think about it. Ask: am I choosing to be kind? Or: do I feel I HAVE to or SHOULD be kind?<p>Don't stop being kind - it is a good quality and defines you. But do, reflect on what your true motivations were. And no matter what - be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself over the head if you fell in the "pit" again - just learn and make a different choice next time. Growth takes time and practice. Be kind to YOURSELF as you ARE growing. (And your situation is difficult - remember that). But you will get through it, lighter and brighter on the other side.<p>Also - somewhere in the book of Proverbs it says: "Never stop being kind AND truthful".<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: siftedlikewheat ]<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: siftedlikewheat ]<p>[ February 07, 2002: Message edited by: siftedlikewheat ]</p>

Joined: Aug 1999
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Hi LH, one of the sweetest women on the universe!!<p>Wow... well... your H... is... ill. Mentally ill. Sigh. And ill or not, it HURTS when your kindness is ignored, slapped down, or mocked.<p>Let me compare this to the church offering (stay with me here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ): You give to the church, and you expect, hope and pray that the money is being used to further the work of God... but if you suspect it isn't being used properly, do you just stop giving?... no... you continue, because God knows your heart, and you gave it with goodness in mind...<p>It is the same with your H. You give because it is the right thing to do IN YOUR HEART. What he does afterwards isn't your problem (although OF COURSE you care!).<p>Keep being the sweetheart you are, and let your mom know how much YOU appreciate her kindness.<p>Your H will have to live with himself -- and with the mental illness, I don't know if he'll EVER realize (at least here on earth) what he threw away.<p>Hugs,

Joined: Jan 2002
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Hi Everyone,<p>I have to say this is a good thread. I probably was very co-dependant to Tony in many ways. And I am on my way to breaking the cycle.<p>TnT --- You posted something that really bothered me. You said that you were going to find a way to defend yourself from your H. Or you were stating that you would emotionally pull away from him to protect yourself. If you feel this way than I think you should just go to plan B. <p>I know for me with Tony I would pull away emotionally everything he would start emotionally and verbally attacking me. This is no way to live. I mean a marriage is about mutual support not ripping each other apart. This is what your H is doing. He is emotionally and verbally tearing you apart in the sole indever to build himself up. This is not a marriage. <p>TnT what does your H give you. It seems that from what you describe you will always have to wonder if he is with the exw or another ow. He lies at ever turn even about stupid stuff. He abuses you. When was the last time he support you? Ultimatly what is the teaching your son? <p>I am not trying to berate you... No one knows but the two in the relationship but you are a wonderful woman and you do not deserve to be mistreated at all!!!!<p>Hey LH --- you are raised with a kind heart. This is normal behavior that you exhibit. What your H exhibits is not normal. A simple thank you is not too much to expect. It is the southern way. My family raised me the same way. Be kind and helpful to those you care about. Your H is probably trying to find a passive aggressive way to punish you. Just try and brush it off. Stick a little more to plan B and maybe not help him so much. He is a grown adult and should act like one.

Joined: Apr 2000
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Thank you paha, sheryl, tnt, and slw! <p>I've been battling fatigue for a while now and somehow this last episode seemed to steal what little wind was left in my sails. I'm feeling more rested today. I guess I was feeling provoked. I feel like a simple thank you is such a low threshhold expectation, and still I receive disappointment when I interact with him. Sheryl, your example is a good one. The act of giving is a good quality, and no matter what, I want to keep that quality near and dear to my heart. I sure could find a different church though! Paha, I think you're right. The book on passive aggression says a PA will take what you do best and make you feel like it's what you do worst. If I were to give him roses, he'd probably spray them black or cut their heads off. Simple problem to solve, I guess. I'll give flowers to someone else.

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