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#356210 02/05/02 09:02 AM
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Hi,
I posted here yesterday and got a very friendly suggestion from new-beginning, so I am gonna try it.<p>I am posting here for help. Real help. I have been with my husband for 22 years, and in that time we have seen the best and the worst of each other. We have a 17 yr old son getting ready to ship out with the Marines in Aug. I am soon to be an empty nester, with a husband who is as emotionally stubborn and chaotic as myself , and I am panicing inside. Our 20 yr anniversary is tommorow and I am not elated about it. Comfortable yes. Feeling as if I am stuck in a little bit of a rut yes. But over joyed, no. Now don't get me wrong, I love my husband. AND most importantly, I am as committed to him as he is to me. We both love the Lord and in our own seperate ways, we are allowing God to work in us. But we have some very bad habits when it comes to communication, negotiating, and showing love for one another. We are both guilty, although I would like to think he is guiltier then I. <p>OK, that's some of my grief in a nutshell. There is lots more to it, but I need to walk the dog and get to work. <p>When I come home, would it be to much to ask that when I log back onto this sight that maybe, one or 2 of you could respond and maybe let me know that I can come back here to get help??? There is lots more to tell, believe me lots more, but it's not needed at this point. We can get to know one another and I am sure it will come out. I am just in need of women who care, will listen and help and pray for us.<p>Thanks and God Bless,
[img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

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Welcome frstrtd!<p>I only have a few minutes this morning - Tuesday mornings are busy with kids' class in our home, and me getting to a Bible study... <p>I do want to welcome you and encourage you to come back. I believe marriage should be very good - two people deserve a passionate, intimate and rewarding relationship. That is how God intended it. There are lots of reasons that doesn't happen and it does take work, but I believe it is worth working towards. What that passionate marriage will look like is unique to the two people. My therapist shows it like this: move your two hands close together, with palms close, but not touching. That space between is the unique "we" of your marriage. It should be good - like a holy place.<p>My marriage is far from what I desire - and practically far from being a marriage. But we are Christians (married 19 years) and are moving towards it. I am persevering in hope that God will build something beautiful. I am not willing to resign to "this is the best I can have, just have to accept it". <p>Sorry, I have to go, but I'll be back and hope you will too.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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Hi frstrtd, and welcome to our corner of the board!<p>You have one son who is going away, to be a marine in August? That is a huge step for him, and for you. Maybe God is bringing you here for Christian support, life reflection - and a little building up of faith?<p>Or maybe the Lord would like to help you understand more about how he originally designed you, so that you can rid yourself of some things in your life that aren't part of that design?<p>I don't know, but I welcome you here, and I know you have lots of issues to work through - and sometimes we don't have the answers, but we are ladies that will stand with you in prayer.<p>I have been on the forum since 99, and have made some wonderful friends here. I believe the Lord intervened in my life by bringing me to MB. The concepts are great - but I am finding at this women's forum more support - from a Christian perspective, which is really what I need in my life.<p>Originally, I started posting because I thought my husband had an affair. I am not sure what my goal is now - except to become an emotionally healthy person, and to be in line with God's will.<p>Like you, there is so much to tell - and you'd have to read over 5,000 posts to know my story - but I think that the common denominator here is that we love the Lord, and are willing to face the changes that He calls us to make within ourselves and/or relationships.<p>God Bless You, and welcome to our corner!
TNT

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Hi,<p>If ever you don't get a reply in this little corner of MB-world, it is simply because nobody has logged on! You will always hear from someone!!<p>Please continue to share your story. All of us have our stories, and there's almost nothing that could shock us -- believe me!! <p>A 20 year marriage with a man you love is something to be very proud of... and I applaud your desire to make it grow stronger. I do understand there's "more to the story" and will await your response before saying more...<p>WELCOME!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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Hey thanks gals,
I am sorry if I am not familiar with your bb names yet, but thank you all for welcoming me here. <p>I just got back from a heavy duty work out at the gym after a days work. I signed up in the MB health club thing someone started yesterday on the emotional part of the board and am gonna try to stick with it as much as possible. It sure does help me emotionally as well as physically.<p>Anyway, our anniversary is tommorrow, and I don't think either one of wants to celabrate with to much hoop-la. We have had our days of partying. We both met at a very addictive time in our lives, I to drugs and he to alcohol. We have seen our share of parties you might say. I will probrably take him out to a nice sushi dinner and have a quiet evening of just talking. We don't do enough of that. I am the talker and he is the contemplater. He says I nag and I say he sulks. Either way, we are very different in many ways. We both are very new christians, only 4 years of walking with the Lord. And on top of that, we had a very bad experience with a church. Spiritual abuse is the descriptive term. Near marital break-up was the result. That was 2 years ago. Our trust factor in "churches" was just being built back up when wham, it happened again in another church in a different way and we both have been left with a lot of scars. But, AMEN, we love the Lord and are saved and that is the most important thing. We have not lost faith in Jesus as our Savior, but we got very close to it several times. So did our son. But God is good and see's us through all things.<p>Well, that is a little bit of my story. Details may come later. Anyway, I am struggling with being able to love my husband as God asks me too, He has been abusive and controlling and still is to a certain extent. He has only struck me 2ce in 22 years and knows that if he ever does it again, I will leave. He is verbally demeaning and very critical. He has gotten better in the past year, but he still steps over boundries that I have drawn and I have to constantly remind him....hence he calls me a nag...and then he crawls into his cave...hence I call him a sulker. We have a struggle communicating because of this. And he controls the finances to the extent that I have to look at the book work when he is not around just to know what is going on. His ability to relate to me with respect is lacking and I get fed up with it to the point where I just don't care about him anymore. Not cool I know and then resentment sets in and I get angry....blah,blah,blah...but then I snap out of it after praying for God's help and then it starts all over again. Man, at times I feel like the proverbial hamster in a wheel that goes no where. I have faith in God that He will change me, but I gotta tell ya, I am not so sure what God is gonna do with my husband. So, I am frustrated!!!!!<p>So, HELP ladies. Point me in the right direction here before I decide to do something stupid. Like stay away from home more then I should or get involved in a church without him or something. OHHH, he isn't going to church right now cause we just left one and he says he isn't ready but he does go to a men's bible study for now once a week and I have been attending a few churches in the past month to get a feel for a new one maybe. Anyway, any and all help is appreciated.<p>I need to go now and take a hot bath. Step aerobic is a killer if you have never done it before! Wow, I am feeling my age! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care and God Bless

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OK, I wasn't going to do this, but now I have to because of what just happened....<p>It is our anniversary today. We wake up. Morning niceties are exchanged. Then my H gets dressed. Can't find his checkbook. He starts to get frantic. I know what is coming. I try to brace for it. I pray and ask God for wisdom. Then I hear my H going threw the laundry room like a whirlwind. Stuff being thrown. He looks in everything. Doesn't ask for help. Just starts cursing and then just under his breath so that I can barley hear, but still so I can hear it, he starts to comment on the disorganized mess in the laundry room and that's why he can't find anything. Of course, guess who is the only one who uses the laundry room regualarly....you guessed, me. Well, I hold my peace as he goes from one room to the next taking things apart, leaving a mess and all the while mumbling rantings under his breath. A lot of the rantings are of course somehow directed toward this whole thing being my fault. Don't ask me how he gets that from HIS LOSING THE CHECKBOOK, a checkbook I never even touch or see. Well, I can no longer say nothing. So quietly, now I said quietly, I suggest that if he maybe just slows down and not be so angry and upset, he might be able to think about where he left it. Well, that did it. He proceeded to rail me. A few more curse words and some more slanderings and off he goes to work...without the checkbook. <p>HAPPY ANIVERSARY TO US!!!!!!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: frstrtd ]</p>

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Hi frstrd - well, you know that his behavior wasn't warranted.<p>I was just going to start a thread wishing you a happy anniversary too. shoot!<p>Anyway - you realize that he was blowing a gasket and that it wasn't your fault, right? Even if there is some disorganization, it still isn't your fault that he acted that way, right? He has learned some "unhealthy coping strategies." (see my thread on this forum.) That sounds exactly how my husband would behave.<p>Dear Heavenly Father, we come to you as wives that are hurting, and trying to be healthy, trying to be within your will - but know that we do not deserve the verbal abuse that our husbands are dishing out to us. Father, we know you hate divorce - and we do too, Lord. Please, Lord, show us your path and help us to behave in a way that glorifies you, and Lord, I pray that you would give us more love in our hearts to deal with difficult spouses. Father, please give us your help, in Jesus name I pray, Amen.

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frstrtd Offline OP
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Hey trustntruth, I read your above post this morning, but had to get to work, so I couldn't respond. Besides, I got teary eyed and would have gotten the keyboard all wetanyway! Thank you for the prayer, it touched me very much. So much, that today, I sent up silent prayers continually about the situation, asking for God to help me understand how to be the women of God I need to be now to help my husband and not to hurt him. <p>I am very angry, but am trying very hard to not sin in this anger. It may even be a righteous anger because of my H's unjust acusations and unfounded blame shifting to me. I KNOW that I am not to blame. I KNOW that my H is responding out of some screwed up thinking that has him bound in sin when it comes to his anger. I KNOW that I am not to blame when he has these outbursts. But my KNOWING just doesn't seem to be enough each time he allows his anger to get in the way of being responsible for his own behavior and then proceeds to step on my spirit with his abusive actions and words....and he does it over, and over, and over again. Am I supposed to be a martyr or a wife?? How do I draw and keep good spiritual, emotional and physical boundries with a person who refuses to accept those boundries. He continually steps on my spirit. Which keeps me all the more running to my Lord Jesus to be picked up again. For that I am very grateful. But I gotta tell ya, I am tired of being the only person rowing in this boat. It just keeps us going around in circles cause I have only one oar, my H has the other and he seems to want to do nothing with his oar in this boat!!!! It is very frustrating!!! And painful!!! I found out a long time ago that I am not Super Women and I have recently found out that I am not God either. I am human. I experience pain. I get angry. I hurt deep inside with each negative incident that my H perpetuates in our marriage. No, he is not to blame for ALL the bad things that go wrong, but he isn't willing to take the blame for any of them. And even when he very occasionally admitts he had been a total jerk, he does nothing to keep it from happening again and again. Once again, the hamster in the wheel going nowhere.<p>Oh well, it is still our anniversary. No phone call from him. No flowers or card. No nothing. Not even an I'm sorry for being a jerk. At least not yet. I am feeling rather blue. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

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I know exactly what you are feeling, frstrd.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>No, he is not to blame for ALL the bad things that go wrong, but he isn't willing to take the blame for any of them.<hr></blockquote><p>My husband is very much caught up into the blame game big time. If it is his fault, then he's defensive (even if I'm not pointing it out.) - if it is my fault he's offensive. I just usually try and hide-out until his attitude changes. I think to myself - 'who cares whose fault it is, let's just act like adults and think solution!!! (but that is how I am, I have trouble not fixing it! INFP! - meyers briggs temperment sorter)<p>He is a ESTJ.... So, the J part of him - always assigns blame. sheesh.<p>Anyway - clearly, you know that you aren't to blame here, and are continually wounded emotionally. ditto. I think there are many of us that are trying to figure this out, frstrd. <p>Hopefully we can come up with "healthy" coping strategies - while dealing with spouses with unhealthy coping strategies.....<p>I'm off to watch a movie with our 9 year old, H is out of town - so I have control over the remote.... yipppeeee!!!<p>Happy Anniversary - anyways. You have been through 20 years, and even if isn't something neither of you feel like celebrating - you can celebrate the fact that you have hung in there for 20 years! You must be quite a strong lady.<p>TNT

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Oh dear, another blame game player! And he is experienced, quite vocal and likes to rant and rave?
Arent these guys just a pain in the patooty?
Or are we all married to brothers?
This is learned behavior. SOmewhere in their young lifes they learned that women respond, jump all over and get riled up when males start flipping out over something they did. THe checkbook, the keys, the mess in the garage, etc.
Mine is getting better and humor seems to work well around here.
When he starts up, i remind him that I am only mom to three boys, he is not included in the official count, so please dont treat me like his father did his mother.I have also interupted the raves and suggested he would like a time out.
I have tapped him on the shoulder and told him he needs a nice cup of soothing tea. I have stood in front of the screamer with a red cardboard stop sign. On and on.
The pleading, explaining, begging never worked at this house. The only thing that works is when I am able to make him see how ridiculous and childish he is being.
Oh, one day he was doing that outside and I went in and locked all the doors. NOT a good idea! He got so pissed he kicked the kitchen door and broke the window. I dont suggest that move.
Keep writing, keep expressing, keep praying!

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cl- You are a crack up! <p>haha I am laughing in my chair right now so hard - my face hurts!<p>I have thought of an after-school art project for son and I..... We are making stop signs and other types of signs to use when H goes on a tyrade. I know we will have a blast doing it! hahahahahhaha!!!!!!!<p>Ha hahaha I can't stop laughing! <p>I don't recommend locking the doors either...... wow. <p>I bought my dining room set about 4 years ago. 2 years ago - I looked in the back yard, and there was one of my chairs broken to pieces. I went inside and counted my chairs, and we were down to 5. I have refused to pick that chair up in the back yard, and husband mows around it. hahahahaha<p>Maybe I need a sign for that one? hahahhahahha<p>oh no, you are too much, cl.....<p>take care,
TNT

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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by frstrtd:
Oh well, it is still our anniversary. No phone call from him. No flowers or card. No nothing. Not even an I'm sorry for being a jerk. At least not yet. I am feeling rather blue. <hr></blockquote><p>All I can say is welcome to the gentle forum frstrtd!! I came to MB nearly two years ago, and posted here for the first time about six months later. Honestly, I think my marriage is beyond the reach of what MB can fix. Some folks are driven to drink. My H drove me to prayer! I started praying because I felt so desperate that I was willing to try anything. Probably not the most noble of intentions, but I'm grateful for the opportunity and grateful that I have travelled quite a ways along a better path since finding this forum. <p>You'll be in good company here frstrtd. I think MB principles are great for becoming a better person, but it's not enough if the partner refuses to participate. In my own case, the foundation of my marriage was cracked from the beginning. A lot people in other forums had something solid at one point when the inevitable storm comes along. MB principles are great tools for weathering a storm. I come to this forum because the dear ladies here can not only weather a storm, but they also understand all too well the heartache that dysfunctional behavior can cause. Nothing short of a miracle can save my marriage. <p>I have an anniversary coming up too. Number 15 next Valentines Day. I'm trying to think of a year I enjoyed that day. .... .... .... bzzzz. Time's up. I lose. <p>The checkbook story reminds me of countless times H would rifle through the basement looking for something. He'd never ask for help. I'd listen to the commotion until I couldn't stand it anymore and offer assistance. Invariably, the item would be something in plain sight. I would snicker under my breath, but it would really rattle my nerves to hear him thrashing around down there. When I'd look for something and have trouble, I'd joke about it being in plain sight and that's why it's so hard to find. cl's stop sign is priceless. I don't have a stop sign myself, but I have on occasion held out my hand like a traffic cop and say "talk to the hand! the ears aren't listening!" That stops him in his tracks. <p>Other times, I've had to physically leave the house to remove myself from his behavior. More recently, we've separated completely. My latest update is on tnt's thread. I'm glad you found us frstrtd. I don't want to put words in the mouths of other ladies, but I see this forum as a place for those who need a little "extra" help. I find that extra help here and in higher places.

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Morning Ladies,
SOmeday he will get so crazy he might rip that stop sign out of my hand....but I have had it for years, and he has responded so far!
What signs are you making with your son?
Frustrated, did he know it was your anniversary?
Off to work here...(yuk)....but have a great day!

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Sorry have to get to work...got a late start this AM. Thanks for all the feedback...let you all know what happened later....Don't you just love the suspence!!!!... [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless

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Hey gals, sorry for the delay, but this job has been a true God-send for me and getting ready for it comes first. I thank God for giving me the job I have (and believe me He really did GIVE it to me cause what I do and where I work was not at all my 1st, 2nd or even 100th choice!!) because it has helped me attain and retain my sanity!!!<p>Sooooooooo, last night was not a total bust. The H came home, said a weak &#8216;I&#8217;m sorry&#8217;&#8230;no flowers, no card, BUTT, and we all have butt&#8217;s don&#8217;t we&#8230;he was apologetic and very tired. He works a very hard job&#8230;I believe being a work a holic is his escape from the reality of his own crazy making behavior&#8230;and he was very distracted by work. He kept getting phone calls before we left for dinner. BUTT, I have found the one thing we both can agree on is having a good meal at a friendly place. It brings out the best in both of us. We love Sushi, so to Ginza Gardens we went and enjoyed some very fresh, very wonderful Sushi and tempura. With some light conversation sprinkled in between bites, we enjoyed a delightful dinner and went home, very satisfied, very full and very tired. We said niceties to our son, to each other and went to bed&#8230;to sleep of course. We were to full of fishes, rice, ginger and wasabi to do anything else!!!! After all, it was an &#8220;all you can eat&#8221; Sushi Bar!!! And in case your wanderin, I live in So.CA and sushi is EVERYWHERE and so are Starbucks!!<p>Anyway, we had a polite, nice time. I would much rather have had a fun, great, romantic time&#8230;but such is life with my old man!!!! In fact, I have been asked how much older then me my H is. People seem to think he is way older then me because of how he acts. He acts like an old man!! He is way too serious! If I held up a stop sign to him during one of his tirades, he would probably tare it out of my hands and break it into tiny pieces!!! He obviously takes himself way tooooo seriously Huh??? I am the one with the sense of humor&#8230;and a lot of times I have enough for the both of us. My son inherited my Italian sense of humor and laughing at himself&#8230;which I am very grateful for. I am gonna miss my son when he leaves. He and I get along just great and we lighten up our household. Oh well, I gotta make the best of the next 6 months cause my boy will be going away then. <p>I did tell my husband this morning that this Valintine&#8217;s Day coming up would be a nice time for us to spend some ROMANTIC time together&#8230;.not just sex time together. Maybe some flowers, candle lite and some quality time away or something. He used to be a real romantic. But these past few years, since becoming a Christian it seems, he seems to be pulling away from me&#8230;.no he is not having an affair, but he is withdrawing emotionally. This last church fiasco incident we left behind has gotten him into a real untrusting mindset. We were deep into ministry when we had problems at both churches and he is very angry and upset with ALL church authority and tends to back away and take it out on our relationship together. He talks to and commiserates with his buds at work a whole lot more then me. He says doing his work is the only joy he really gets any more. Makes me feel like a sack of potatoes around him! I may be over weight, but potatoes I am not and I am far to shapely to even resemble a sack&#8230;but that is how I feel around him. He often gives me the signals that all I am good for is making his food, having sex with him and keeping the house and laundry clean and that&#8217;s it. Where is the love, the romance, the passion??? Our marriage has become like a big ballon that has gone limp cause most of the air is gone. It looks good on the outside, but inside there is a whole lot missing. <p>Hey cl, thanks for the idea about the stop sign though. Even though I don't think that will work for me, I do believe that getting more creative with my 'attitude' when he is in one of his many 'moods' can make a difference for me if not for him. And lonesome heart, I am sorry that you are seperated now. It must be tough. My heart and prayers go out to you. <p>I think that tnt made a remark about me being strong because I have lasted this long in the marriage. Well, only by the grace of God and the wisdom and strength He has given me do I endure. It also helps to be a little crazy too. I was diagnosed as being bipolar 2 years ago. Notice I say diagnosed. I don't believe in the labels, but I do believe that my history growing up with physical and verbal abuse and doing lots of drugs to escape and some other things, has given me a 'cope or go crazy' edge. I have been the medication and therapy route and discovered pretty quickly that what I needed most was to yield to God's will in my life, learn the word, get a real prayer life with my Lord and Savior going and I am better now then I ever have been. So it ain't me...it's all HIM.<p>Take care gals and thanks for hangin' with me through these past couple of days...as Arnold says so much better then I can...
I'll be back! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]


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