I'm new and feeling rather desperate so I hope you will forgive me if I don't understand exactly how this is supposed to work just yet. Here is my story, hope it's not too long. My husband lost his job which took about a year, during which time I was tremendously supportive. I very actively helped him find a new job 800 miles away and agreed without a moments hesitation to leave my only daughter and 6 year old granddaughter who I have helped to raise. The OW wanted him to take a job he didn't like so he could stay near her. I know how important his career is to him and never even thought about anything but going for the job he wanted even if it meant leaving the lights of my life. Four days into the new job (I was trying to sell the house 800 miles away) I thought I'd look at an e-mail account I had access to that he was using. I thought I might find some small complaint about me that I could fix. I had never for a moment suspected what I found. I just thought I was asking too much for him to be more affectionate and communicative. For years it was like trying to walk on one leg but he kept telling me the other leg was there and I believed him and just thought I was crazy. I called him very early in the morning with the full element of surprise and after a quick denial he admitted the affair. It had lasted 4 ½ years of our 6 ½ year marriage. I think that year of my helping him through losing his job did lead him to decide to give our marriage another real try but I worry from time to time that I was chosen by default. He says that his plan was for their long distance romance by e-mail to gradually fade away. That was 8 months ago. He cut off communication with her immediately which he said was a relief and he just hadn't known how to end it. I know I have a lot to learn about Lovebusting and I'm slow, and I'm sure my anger is visible to ya'll, but I am still in shock and need to talk about what in the world happened to us. In addition I have a fear that I'm going to come across more surprises (several more have come up) so want to know some about the affair. I feel like I can handle anything just about (except sexual details) if I'm told. I just don't like surprises. We have had some of our most precious moments together during this period of healing but it's been mighty rough too. Here is the current problem: My husband has agreed time and time again to initiate conversation about our relationship and the affair which our therapist also thought would be helpful but has been able to really do this only once. I understand it is painful but am able to feel compassionate when he brings up items and feel angry when I figure them out on my own. It also feels like I'm on that one leg again and don't have a partner in healing. However, I fear that my requests for him to participate by occasionally leading the way have become demands and are not helping. I chose the name today because that's where I want to be it's just been so hard to get there. There is so much to be thankful for in our situation that is what I want to focus on but I've also learned not to ignore my feelings the hard way. Can anybody out there help me?<BR>

I had a hard time with the anger too. For me it was pain that the anger covered. Only time helped in my case. <P>I asked my H to leave so I could have time to myself and he could have time to think. I think it is helping. I can finaly talk to him now instead of screaming. This is awful what we are going through. <P>I think the first thing you need to do is to make some decisions about what you want from your marriage and if you want to go on. Yeah, I think you really need to ask yourself that.<P>If the anwser is yes, then ask yourself what you are willing to do to save it and how far you will and will not do to save it.<P>He needs to ask himself the same questions. Also, I recommend two books: Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley and Love Must be Tough by James Dobson. Both good.<P>Mostly - to get over your anger...<BR>Do what is good for you treat yourself from time to time. Take care of yourself.<P>This is hard but time does make it easier.<P>Acacia

Today, I looked you up with the search tool on this site as your story is so similar to mine. Don't see anything about your story other than what you've written here.<P>I'm working on our story and it has been quite therapeutic to do so.

Surviving An Affair has been very helpful. We read about 2 pages and talk for an hour or two. I've been away. Hope I can become a "regular" on this site because I need the support and, if I do say so myself, have learned a thing or two on this unfortunate journey, that may help others. However, there is sooooo much more to learn.