ok, i'll take responsibility for this one...i got totally overwhelmed with H's lack of honesty yesterday, and i swatted him on the shoulder as i walked past him, saying something angry (don't remember what), and he jumped up lightning fast and threw me in the corner..wooden ducks on tile floor broke my fall, but somehow my ring finger got really wrenched and is all purple and swollen today. otherwise, i'm ok, and he is super apologetic. <BR>i think it is time for me to go, now, as soon as the money situation is stable. anyone know any good spouse abuse sites i can go to?<BR>i just can't be married to someone who finds the truth to be so nonessential. he even told me he didn't hit me any harder than i hit him, and i just "fell"<BR>oh, my 2yo saw all this, and gave me a lot of toys to make me feel better. i don't want him to go through this ever again.

Oh dear! Reading your post felt like I was re-living a horrible experience with my H! (However, mine denied doing anything to me in spite of the bruises on my body! After an hour or so, he cried his heart out to me and followed me around apologizing for days!) <P>I am so sorry that you had to go through that! I know you are hurting and upset. And your child, (Mine saw some but heard everything also) they have such a heartwrenching innocent way of comforting us. God bless them! I am truly sorry that your son had to see it! Is this the only time something like this has happened? I chose not to leave in my situation. But it sounds as if you are feeling threatened and in danger, so I think you should move quickly!<P>I think someone gave me an abuse site in an earlier post of mine. I will try to find it and send it if someone else hasn't gotten you one by then. <P>Take care and my thoughts are with you... <p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited January 31, 2000).]

deep breaths.....<P>if you feel it is time to go, DO NOT WAIT for the money situation....something will always come up....call your parents, clergy, or friends you can trust...if this is how he treats you (and isn't that bad enough)...how will he treat the little one??...<P>pack essentials and mementos you cannot live without (birth photos, etc,...you know what I mean, as a mother)....get out....<P>get out now....call a shelter if you have no one else to call.....but I suggest your parents first..even if they do not live nearby, I'm sure that money can be borrowed for a bus ticket....the little one, can sit on your lap, and removing both you and your child from this situation is paramount to your safety....<P>apologies sure are nice...but too little too late...no one is ever justified in beating, throwing, punching or kicking a spouse...EVER....<P>sorry if I seem a little frantic about htis, but stuff is happening over here to (involves ex...not me...)<P>your words of wisdom have been appreciated by me over the last 4 months, and i am here to return the favour...<P>GET OUT....PACK, AND LEAVE....<P>Dylan

oh, and don't you dare take responsibility for his actions....don't you dare...no matter what you did, that smack, whatever.....NOTHING justifies being thrown aound....and NOTHING CAN EVER JUSTIFY DOING SO IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD....<P>this man has no respect for you, your marriage vows or your life and child together...even if this is a temporary separation, make sure he agrees to get some help before you are ever near him again....<P>dylan

{{{{{{{{{{love WAS blind}}}}}}}}},<P>Here are a couple of sites...<BR>...it is very sad that anyone has to rely on them...<P>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counselling free of charge.<P>Anger site...<A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A>... for your H.<P>Abuse site...<A HREF="http://www.drirene.com" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site</A>.<P>And one more...<A HREF="http://eatingdisorders.mentalhelp.net/articles/domest2.htm" TARGET=_blank>NATIONWIDE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE</A>.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 31, 2000).]

Safeguard yourself. I've often told myself that these heightened emotions--anger, hurt, betrayal--are how domestic violence happens.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)

I realize it shouldn't happen even once, but is this a pattern or an isolated incident? Again, not saying it's ok, just that in all the stuff going on, only you know if you are really in danger.<P>If I said this as a man, I know I would be lynched. But as a woman, I've learned so much, including from this site, about the male/female differences and that men are often triggered by our words. I have known many times when I'm about to push him too far, and I've shut up. That is NOT to say I walk on eggshells afraid of my h.<P>Again, not to excuse his behavior, anymore than we can excuse EMAs. It's just for you to decide for yourself if you are in danger of abuse.

Get out if you can.. A local shelter will be able to help you find a couselor or support group in your area for domestic violence. Also the prosecutors office should have someone there that can direct you for any help. I was just like you. A bruise there and a bruise here, alot of pushing and shoving and alot of apologies. I forgave and forgot tpp many. No, even after all of this I don't exactly feel he is an abuser, maybe because I have/had never seen this side of him in 15 years. But usually once it comes out it will keep happening and maybe even more frequently. I had left on 2 occasions for a day after this happened to me, but always came back and accepted his apology. But he continued.....then when you finally call the police to help they don't believe you because you came back. They are very "ignorant" with domestic violence. Get as much information as you can and protect yourself. Document everything for the future. You never know. <BR>Nancy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by schizzo:<BR><B>I realize it shouldn't happen even once, but is this a pattern or an isolated incident? Again, not saying it's ok, just that in all the stuff going on, only you know if you are really in danger.<P>If I said this as a man, I know I would be lynched. But as a woman, I've learned so much, including from this site, about the male/female differences and that men are often triggered by our words. I have known many times when I'm about to push him too far, and I've shut up. That is NOT to say I walk on eggshells afraid of my h.<P>Again, not to excuse his behavior, anymore than we can excuse EMAs. It's just for you to decide for yourself if you are in danger of abuse.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>schizzo, exactly!<BR>this behavior on his part only happens when i get mad about the affair, and H is incredibly suggestible-if im in a good mood, then he is. soulloss, i appreciate your concern, but i can lay low for a minute (2 babies, btw, 2 1/2 and four months). lor is right, it is the high emotion.<BR>Jim-im looking at drirene.com esp, as im very cofused about who is really the abuser...well, i don't mean it that way, but i took a lot of responsibility for the affair at first, and i think H is a lot more abusive than he seems.<BR>lacee, thanks for the support.

well, we basically decided that if we stay together, we'll kill each other, and concluded that once the money situation is sorted out, it's over.<BR>now, of course that leaves a lot of wiggle room, and maybe i'll figure out a way to live with his lies and emotional abuse....hmm...no, i guess i ought to leave. frankly, i don't think he CAN change. he won't answer my questions based on a "don't kiss and tell" mentality--i still don't even know the name of his first wife! I need him to be honest, and he can't be, and that's that.<BR>i'll still hang around here and read the inspiring posts, but i really do think this mess needs to end.<BR>good luck to all of you, and thanks for all the support.<BR>julie

I'm so sorry, Julie. I agree that it has to start with honesty. It's so hard with little ones. I have one 5, 2 1/2, and another one on the way. Yes, in the middle of this mess, I got pregnant!<P>But my situation is different. H is now working on the 4 rules, and honesty is the 1st. He still doesn't volunteer much, but I ask and he will tell. Not about the EMA, I really don't want to talk about it anymore. But about his feelings today, his conversations, anyone come on to him, he to them... I do believe he is being honest...

If your physical wellbeing is threatened, take immediate steps to prevent any harm coming to you or your children. It's not worth the risk. Do you have family in town? Friends? Men who hit their wives usually hit their children too.<P>Given his larger size your husband needs to learn to control his temper. There is a code of conduct most men follow, which basically says it is unacceptable to hit a woman under any circumstances. The most challenging situation is in a relationship where the woman believes she can hit the man. If either the man or the woman believes it is acceptable to hit the other person, the only safe solution for anybody is the termination of the relationship.<P>I try and teach my children that there is no way to win an argument about who hit who the hardest. Hitting under any circumstances, with the possible exception of self defense, is unacceptable.<P>There is no way to justify his behavior or imply you are responsible. He must control himself under all circumstances. You must leave before this behavior escalates into something dangerous.<P>You will also probably want to get a restraining order. This will be useful in getting a judgement limiting him to supervised visitation with the children only, which will be a necessary precaution.<P>Also, the fact that you also committed a minor assault against him is something that will need to be addressed. Counseling to deal with the anger this situation has created within you may be in order. This sort of behavior is very much out of character for you, and I would think that indicates a high level of stress.<BR>

yeah, nonplused, it IS out of character for me. it is taking a lot of little episodes for me to realize that i can't yell at him without getting pushed or pinned down, and rather than yell, i just swatted him. it just does not even occur to me that he could hit me under any circumstances, yet it keeps happening. textbook case, huh?<BR>im going to do jim's lawyer search today, and get some ideas. i have a pile of friends in town who would help me no matter what if i need it. why is it so hard for me to learn to keep my mouth shut? if he would just answer my questions, i feel like i could let it go, but it is a huge control issue, and he won't. we can't move forward, and it is both of our faults.<BR>oh, by the way, according to him, 90% of the problems with us are MY fault, and he is soooo convincing....puhlease.

Well, I'm not so sure you should be yelling at him either. If you wouldn't do it in a crowded mall, you shouldn't do it at home. But getting some counselling will help for that too.<P>Everyone always thinks all the problems are the other person's fault. So your husband's attitude doesn't surprise me. Don't take it to heart, it's not true. It takes 2 to tango, and in the end they both cover the same space on the dance floor. Prefer latin dancing myself. But same difference.<P>Either way, you need physical distance to safegaurd yourself and your children. Also, you may find the anger reduces over time this way. It is possible that you are suffering from an angry reaction to abuse. It is quite common. The abusive person in a relationship usually looks like the calm one. The abused person is often so far messed up by it that they are prone to angry outbursts. <P>And yes, lying and withholding information are forms of abuse. So is cheating. Get away from there. He isn't going to get better any time soon.<p>[This message has been edited by nonplused (edited February 02, 2000).]

lWb,<P>Please do take care of yourself and your children. There is so much anger and lies on his part. With the physical and verbal abuse, sounds like you have less than zero to work with.<P>I agree with the others..safeguarding yourself and your children needs to be the number one priority here. A shelter would be better than being sorry olater is he did something terrible to hurt you or any of your kids.<P>I am praying for you and your children.....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

you're right again, nonplused, i shouldn't be yelling at him in the first place. I am frustrated with him beyond what i thought i was capable of. He never answers my questions, even when things are "good", so i just lash out constantly. what's the difference, yunno? he just tells me it is all in my head, and i need to let it go, but i said, if it is not as bad as all that, why don't you tell me the truth and put my mind at ease? but he ignores me (hmmm, is it a coincidence that OW is exactly like that? she refused to even tell me if she wants her piano back, tho' i wrote her many sane/kind emails about it) <BR>he's told me im crazy so much im having to fight hard not to believe it.<BR>i am not concerned for my safety at this point, thank you all for caring, and this mess will all be over soon enough.