If your spouce spends all their free time looking at porn, does this give the other the right to be upset and insecure?<P>I know I have posted about this porn issue in the past but it is still an issue that bothers me when H spends money(he lies about) and time on this instead of our marriage.<BR>Like I have said before, I guess I can understand once in a while doing this but all the time, it is too much. Especially when I am trying so hard to gain trust and security back. Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Dev2,<BR>You have the RIGHT to be upset and feel insecure about anything in the whole wide world that you want to. It is what you do with those feelings that gets mixed up sometimes.<P>My H is currently addressing issues of Sexual Addiction - some of it relating to porn and I know how you are feeling. What I am learning is that what he is doing has ABOSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with YOU. He hasn't yet learned to disconnect from his fantasies and reconnect emotionally to you - to transfer his fantasies over to his real life wife!<P>I do not recall how you have discussed this and what your H's responses have been. Have you tried to create a safe environment to openly discuss this issue? If you are looking for some good insight, the web site <A HREF="http://www.sexualcontrol.com" TARGET=_blank>www.sexualcontrol.com</A> was the most informative that I have come accross in my need to address this one facet of our "challenges". <P>As with any addiction, no amount of nagging, begging, or finger waggling will make an ioda of difference - except to push him further away and/or to make him better at hiding it or seeking to fulfill his needs elsewhere. Discussing in an environment where H feels safe to disclose and talk without feeling "bad" or "judged" is a good start to recovery. He will first need to KNOW and BELIEVE that you have his best interests and those of your marriage at heart. This may take some time.<P>Good luck.<BR>Lisa

LisaM,<P>Thanks for your reply. I have tried to create a safe environment to discuss this issue with him before, but he refuses to face anything that he feel he is doing wrong. I have dealt with this since I discovered it during the first year of our marriage. It has been over 7 years now. Our first year together was hell and I suffered greatly because he ignored me. I mean during the first year of marriage aren't you suppose to be wrapped up in each other? He wasn't, he would ignore me and my feelings and act like sex with me was the last thing he wanted. Stupid me, didn't know at the time he was into porn so much that He had already taken care of himself. Since then I have tried to deal with it in the hopes he would come to realize that a relationship with a real person was more important. But, he is still into this too much and I have tried to be loving and supportive of this with him but all he says is he will never do it again and then I keep finding and discovering him into this. Even after I said we could be together on this. He keeps me out. And still lies. I feel he is constantly in a fantasy world. <P>Thanks for the site, I will check it out. I could use some help on dealing with this. I want a partner who will work on this marriage with me not keep feeding a desire for lust with fantasy. You said that this porn has nothing to do with me. What does it have to do with, I'm curious. This is a constant thing with him. It is he perfers to satisfy himself in this way instead of being with me, yet he says he is completely satisfied with our sex life. This is confusing. I guess women are so different. I desire to be with him and I don't find myself in a fantasy world lusting for other men. If I did, it wouldn't be long until I lost my interest in the man I'm with. I just wish he could take all the enegry he puts into this porn and focus it on our marriage. He has never done this and what happened? He had sex with some stranger because he had never done this before, according to him and was curious. <BR>I'm not saying the porn led to it, but as long as he is focused on this and keeps feeding the fantasy world, he is not in this marriage with me.

Dev,<P>This is my personal opinion. If he is using the porn to enhance the sex life between you, I would feel OK with that. if he is using the porn as a substitute for sex and intimacy with you, I would not be OK with that.<P>The lying about it makes me wonder...is he afraid that you won't "approve", so he feels the need to keep things secretive? Does he lie about it to keep it away from you, becuase it is substituting for what should be occuring with you?<P>My stance would be that if it is something to enhance your sex lives together and you <B>both agree</B>, then that is one thing. But, if he is way overboard with this, lying and sneaking, that is another thing. I would wonder then if there is a possible sexual addiction involved???<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

RMA,<P>I believe he is addicted to this. He is not using it to enhance our sex life. He lies<BR>and hides this from me even after I said it<BR>was o kay. Thinking he would get honest. But<BR>He said he would stop it all together because<BR>he knows this isn't good to be so caught up<BR>in it the way he has been and still is. But he didn't stop at all. Just found other hiding places that I found. And as soon as I walk out of the room when he is on the net he gets into the porn sites. And too many times the porn and his self gratification has taken the place of being with me. Make me think I am not pleasing him sexually even though he swears I am. None of this helps my self esteem any. How would he feel if I constantly fantisied about other men and having sex with them or satisfiying myself while watching porn instead of wanting to be with him. I don't think it would help his male ego any. Especially if I had had sex <BR>with someone else because I was curious of how it would be with them. Ya know what I mean?

Dev2,<BR>Again, it all centres around the addiction. This time a month ago, I had no clue and much like you, took it all personally. To give you a metaphor that his counsellor used with me - if you had a food addiction and every day your husband counted the food in the cupboards, weighed the contents of the fridge and then got angry or upset if you ate more than you should, how would you respond? You would sometimes agry that you had erred, wanted to lose weight etc and would try to do "better".....sometimes however you would go out and binge, hide food elsewhere and resent his "intrusive" behaviour into something that you feel has nothing at all to do with him.<P>Kinda different but if you read into it, you can appreciate how negative and judgemental comments and conversations do nothing to improve the situation.<P>He needs to understand that there is an addiction present in order to change his behaviour. <P>I would be happy to discuss with you if you like. You can e-mail me at L_I_S_A_M@yahoo.com<P>Before you can truly work on the MB stuff (POJA et al), there needs to be some commitment to working on the addiction since it is impossible for him to not love bust or work in an environment of POJA as long as an addiction is there (every porn site is a love bust and you certainly are not in agreement). It is also almost as difficult for you to not do the same (LB & POJA) because of the resentment you feel. Also, with the SA present, his EN's are warped....yes, he has a need for sex but is unaware/disallusioned (spelling way off) of how to allow himself to satisfy that elsewhere.<P>Cheers<BR>Lisa<P>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited February 08, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by LisaM (edited February 08, 2000).]

<B>Dev2,</B><P>I understand better now. Sidney, our little resident researcher, found a great article on sexual addiction. She forwarded it to me with some other great articles she had found.<BR>I may still have it, but I think I did delete it.<P><B>Sidney,</B><P>If you see this, would you please e-mail this to Dev2?? I have her e-mail address and will send it to you on your e-mail instead of posting it here, in case she doesn't want it posted her.<P><B>Dev2,</B><P>It might help you with some insights. I remember it was a very long article and very good, too.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

A few years ago, well five to be exact, my H at the time was my fiancee. Well he developed an addiction to porn magazines, movies, strip bars, some HBO undercover sex show, you name it, if it was sexual he had to see it. <P>I felt a great deal of pain. I felt that it was like he was cheating on me. No it was not used to enhance our sex life, as a matter of fact, I felt insecure and had a hard time enjoying myself because I wondered which bimbo I was being compared to. <P>To this day I can't remember how he got out of it, he still has some sexual perversion problems, I honestly think he is an addict of any kind, He gets addicted to anything he can, and I think he replaced that addiction with golf (go figure, no clue,really). <P>I wish you well, I know I felt very upset and understand why you do too. I actually FORGOT about that whole ordeal til I read your post!! <P>

Thank you everyone for your replies to this post. I really do appreciate it very much.<BR>And RMA, I hope I get that e-mail on the site about porn addiction. I would like to read it. I e-mailed the counselor that you sent<BR>LisaM, and he is suppose to call me sometime next week. Hopefully I will get more insight to this thing my H is and has been going through for too long. <P>And LonelyMom, My H is also into anything sexual on T.V. No matter what it is if it deals with sex he is right there to watch it. No matter how perverted it is. He is also an avid Howard Stern watcher. Need I say more.<BR>Howard is a little boy in a mans body who love shock value and anything that is sexual and disgusting. Guess his wife finally got tired of it. <P>As long as my H is involved with all this it is so difficult to get him to be involved with anything religious. He said he would go to church with me and D and be more involved with this family, etc. But none of that has taken place. He is too involved with the porn in every aspect. It has literally taken over his life and is stopping any progress in this marriage. I pray so much that a miracle happens and he loses the desire to seek fullfilment in this way and hide it, sneak it and lie. I'm tired of being in a marriage by myself. He may be here in the house with me but mentally and emotionally he is not. <P>And now it has gotten to the point that when we are intimate he is not able to achieve fullfilment. This only adds to my depletion(sp) of my self esteem and that I am not able to fullfil him anymore sexually. He says this is not true, but please, I know the difference. And even (that) is not the same anymore. <P>Thanks for being there everyone. I feel he is in deep need of help and so is this marriage.