I’m sorry but can ask you question? I am doing a project for one of my sociology classes about adultery. (Statistics and things like that). One of the people that I am using in my paper is Albert Kinsey who was one of the first people to study sexuality itself. Anyway, His studies showed that about 26% of women and 50% of men commit adultery (this was in 1953). The statistics really do not bother me that much it is his reasoning that has me worried. <P>And now finally for my question, it is this…Kinsey says that “It is widely understood that many males fail to be satisfied with sexual relations that are confined to their wives and would like to at least make occasional contacts with females to whom they are not married.”<P>He goes on to say that: “Most males can immediately understand why most males want extramarital coitus. Although many of them refrain from engaging in such activity because they consider it morally unacceptable or socially undesirable, even such abstinent individuals can usually understand that sexual variety, new situations, and new partners might provide satisfactions which are no longer found in coitus which has been confined for some period of years to a single sexual partner.” <P>He then says that most women do not understand this, and really I have to confess that while I do understand it I really don’t want it to be true. I guess I am really looking for a male point of view. Is this true?<P>Do I really just have to wait for whoever I marry to eventually decide that he’s found all that he can with me and now it is time to move on to something better? And if this is true for men wouldn’t it logically be true for women also, I mean I do understand it in theory and therefore I would think it would also apply to women. <P>Please I am not trying to be bitter. All my friends say this isn’t true but none of them have ever been in any long term relationships and my family isn’t really any kind of example I would like to follow. Also I am not looking for a fairy tale, I know that both men and women are attracted to other people after they are married. I am not talking about that, it’s just that it is a long way from being attracted to another person to committing adultery because you need/crave variety in your life And if you are creative enough can’t you get that variety from your spouse?<P>Anyway, I am sorry but I don’t know who else to ask but all you seem to at least still love your husbands or wives and there are some men here who claim that they have always been faithful. I’m just looking for you opinion if you don’t mind giving it. <P>I am SO SORRY that this is so long.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Quick Question (edited December 01, 1999).]

Guess I’m first.<P>I’ve only had sex with one person. My Wife. Yeah, we did it before we got married, but she’s the only one I’ve ever had. I did have a girlfriend previous & we did some minor making out, but that’s it.<P>Did I ever feel I needed to play the field? No. I don’t feel I “missed” something by not doing it before I got married either. Sure there are good looking women around, but I never felt I “needed” more or different. I was satisfied with my Wife.<P>Sex becomes so much more when you are with someone whom you share an emotional bond. So much more than when it’s mere “bonking.” I know there were times in my marriage where I almost literally passed out from the exhilaration, passion and immense closeness I felt with her.<P>Do I want to play the field now? No way. Still waiting for her to wake up. If she doesn’t, I’m still not gonna be a one night stand kinda guy.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

OK, I'm next. Didn't want to leave Chris hanging out there by himself. <P>You've asked an interesting question. It's one that I've mulled over myself. Also participated in some discussion on it too.<P>But first, a disclaimer. If you're doing research, just be careful how you use our comments. We're certainly not a statistical population. And, even if we were a larger number, we're certainly biased. My hypothesis would be that just by being here, the Forum male population is different than the total male population.<P>Anyhoo...here goes...First a note on the Kinsey stats... somewhere I saw updated estimates of infidelity. It was more like 45-50% of women and 60% of guys. At least once in their lifetimes.<P>Seeing those stats supported a belief I've come more to share over the last several years. Men and women aren't all that different. Sure, there are some, even enough to be statistically significant. My belief is that during the last 30 years, we have been on a societal trend in American culture that makes it more acceptable for women to be more aggressive. This is true for many behaviors including sexual expression.<P>I sure see it in younger people. It's especially so in teenagers and people in their early 20s. It's now more socially acceptable for girls and women to be sexually aggressive.<P>And, this is not unique in the world. I've spent much time during the last 10 years in Dutch culture. "Sex" is somehow not as laden with the baggage that it carries in American culture. And yes, both men and women comfortably initiate.<P>Now, on to the rest of your question... about sex and fidelity. Marriages are not about "sex", they're about relationships. We chose to come together with someone else in order to share a closeness and intimacy. Sex is one of the ways we express ourselves in that relationship. And yes, it is a bonding experience.<P>I have no interest in being with anyone other than my wife. None. Any yes I do find other women attractive. But, I CHOOSE to be with my wife. I don't want to experience that level of intimacy with anyone else. <P>Marriages are about honor, respect, commitment, and love. They're not about sex. Physical expression is only one aspect of marriages. <P>What Kinsey et al missed is the more important and deeper need to be close. To bond to someone else. Marriage is not a product it's a process. It's not something you "do". Neither is sex. It's not something that physically can be divorced from the emotions. Sure, we can attempt to put away the "feeling" aspect of it, but we don't eliminate it.<P>So, does this help? If you were looking for reassurance that both men and women can be faithful to a marriage, I'd say there's lots of reasons to be optimistic. There's also lots of risk. It's easier to stray than in earlier generations. And there's more social pressure. <P>But, it's not about "sex", it's about relationships. Rather, intimacy. And, that takes a lotta work over years to get someplace good. And both partners have to be willing to work. That's where we sometimes lose it over time.<P><BR>I do think some things have changed in the last 50 years.

Guess I'll chime in next . . .<P>I would have to agree with the sentiments that Chris and Dunc have expressed. I think <I>all</I> humans, whether male or female, experience the emotions of curiosity about sex, whether it's before OR after they get married.<P>Since I got married, I have never <I>wanted</I> to have sex with anyone but my wife. I would be lying, however, if I said I had never <I>wondered</I> what sex would be like with someone else. I don't think that's unnatural for ANYONE. I mean, when you are with the same person every day, sometimes you can't help but wonder what it would be like.<P>I think that's different than actually <I>wanting</I> to go out and sleep with another woman. I can honestly say that I don't WANT to sleep with anyone but my wife. When you've found the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, the priorities tend to shift a little. When I was in college, I <I>wanted</I> to sleep with different women, and sometimes I did. However, as Chris points out, the intensity and passion of making love to someone you REALLY connect with, someone you love and have chosen to spend your life with, is so much more gratifying than just meaningless sex, that for me, I've really lost the desire to want to "spread it around" like I did in college.<P>Does that make sense? I'm not really sure that it does! <P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

I know you want to here from guys and I posted under my old ID because I'm answering this from the aspect of being married to the OM. He is a sex addict. And not only does he have the need to be with other woman he has the need for others (men and woman) to have relations with me. If you would ask this same question in a 'swingers' forum you would get totally different answers. I don't think he is normal and I do think he needs help. Sex addicts have a tendancy to also be abusive towards their wife. This forum is for people who want to be married...and as said before marriage is a relationship, not just sex...at least for those that are normal!

Quick Question,<P>I guess I'll chime in here as well. First, I think Kinsey's comment is confusing several things. There is men's ability to compartmentalize sex, which it seems is different from women's, and appetite or awareness of sex which is almost constant for men. This is different from men's commitment to marriage, which is what I think you are really asking about. As more women enter the workplace and become financially independent the number of women initiating affairs (remember all affairs require two people that is why 25% to 50% seems somewhat strange unless prostitutes are included) are increasing. It is true that most men can understand, the drive to have sex and perhaps the need but I am not sure that "MOST" men are not satisfied with their wifes. I think even among men how have affairs it frequently occurs because other aspects of the marriage have deteriorated badly including the sex life. If you read this board, women betrayers claim the same thing. It is not a question of boredom.<P>The issue is not men's sex drive but humans willingness to commit to a long term relationships. If you look it from that point of view, I feel strongly and my experience seems to verify that there are as many men willing to commit to long term relationships and make it work as there are women. We each have our needs and the institution of marriage works for both sexes.<P>There are several problems people face today. One is the that both parties in a marriage are subject to temptation if the marriage hits a rough spot because of work arrangements and access of both parties to other people. The other is the constant bombardment of the institution of marriage in the media: Making affairs and such seem the norm.<P>So where do I sit in your pole. I had a very very enjoyable bachelorhood and have been faithful to my wife of almost 24 years. I have never been tempted to step out of the marriage. Of course I got married in my early 30's also. I think that does help. Finally, as has been pointed out before sex is only one component of a marriage, particularly a successful marriage. Most of the interaction occurs between the ears; even for men.<P>