I don't know why, but I have an incredible urge to write this woman a letter. I did speak with her the same I found out. My husband called to to say they had to stop now and then I spoke, well threatened - a lot. Two months later I still have things to say. Do you think I want to threaten or just verbalize that I'm not giving her the opportunity to be his "Friend" anymore. We have come a long way in our marriage. I have never trusted this woman since the day I saw her standing next to my H at work. She never spoke and walked directly away. Second time I saw her too. I KNEW SHE WAS TROUBLE!<P>If anyone else has done this, please let me know how it turned out. I don't have the hate for her that I did (sometimes) and I think she was lying when she said she told her husband because she knew I would. They have only been married two years and she spent most of the last of it filling my H emotional then other needs.<P>I don't want to threaten but I do want her to be aware that I am aware of her. I guess I'm concerned because in this months issue of Marriage magazine, it says that when women have affairs it is mainly for emotional support. She isn't going to get it from my man anymore!<P>WHY DO I WANT TO WRITE HER? Please give me your thoughts....<P>------------------<BR>

GTMI,<P>I did it. For too long I ignored my W's OM and worked only on her. Eventually I realized that it would be a grievous omission for me to say nothing - I would hate for it to be said someday "but you never objected!"<P>So I sent an email explaining many of the(supposedly secret) details I knew of, even quoted his own sappy words (from chats and emails) back to him and asked him to leave my wife alone.<P>Did it help? Perhaps not. It didn't stop them. It may have added a bit more pressure knowing that secrets were known, and that his underhandedness was not going unnoticed.<P>It certainly helped me to feel a little less powerless. There were later emails (he even wrote back defending himself) and even a meeting between the OM, our Pastor and myself. <P>I think it was worth doing, and the email route is safe because even if you go nuts you can't hurt them. <P>Hope this helped. Best of luck to you.

Is your H & OW still working together? If they are, are they in regular contact with each other?<P>If it is necessary for them to converse together about work related issues, then I suggest that your H find another place to work.<P>It sounds like the affair is over. If it is, I would suggest NOT contacting this OW. If your marriage is in recovery, then initiating contact with OW may back-fire and bring unwanted results.<P>It's best to leave it alone.<P>p.s. From what you posted, it sounds like you have already verbally warned her. I think it is already sufficient.<p>[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited February 16, 2000).]

Yes, they still do work together. He is now on night shift so they only see each other for 1 1/2 hours a day now. BUT THAT IS THE SLOWEST 1 1/2 HOURS IN MY DAY! They have to talk because, unfortunately, they are the only 2 that has passed cerification for this particular job (lucky for me). I guess this is why I want to talk to her. He is looking for another job, unfortunately he is civil service and their aren't many (if any) places for him to transfer in this area. We both feel stongly about staying with our familes. SOOOO...endlessly we search for a new job. He knows I can't stand him working there and how I feel whan I go meet him at work for lunch or whatever. I get so nervous when I'm near her but nevertheless I decide this is my husband and I can go anywhere I want to (especially when it's the only time we are kidless). Please pray for us that he find a new job because I can't close this chapter with her in it everyday. They say that God will always open new doors, we just have to be aware and willing to walk in. Thanks for your help and I look forward to hearing more as I'm contimplating this letter....<P>------------------<BR>

Two thoughts to consider ,,,<P>First, I agree with NoTrust. If you are rebuilding and if the affair is over,,don't give her another reason to contact your H for personal reasons. It would be so easy for her to go to him for comfort and understanding after receiving a "written attack" from you. It's too bad he has to have ANY contact with her at all, but since it's unavoidable right now, hopefully it's all job related. Be careful about giving her a personal reason.<P>Also, do you really want her to have written proof, undeniable evidence of the affair, your hurt and pain FOREVER,,for however long she chooses to hang onto that letter? Do you want to give her something to hang over your head until she chooses to discard it? Might sound silly but how do you know what the future holds? What if, someday, either you or your H are in line for an important job, a position, a desired post, and she holds the written evidence that could really make a difference in your standing in the community. Be very careful about putting anything in writing that would cause you hurt or embarassment if it were the headlines of the largest newspaper. <P>I do understand your desire to contact her. I have struggled with those same urges. But please, keep in mind, she didn't care about your hurt and pain during the affair. She's not going to care now. And the price you may pay to relieve your mind, might not be worth it.

THANK YOU! You have given me much insight ~ you are very wise. I'm so thankful that I have found a place to go to during this time. I've found nothing but constant care and support in all of the things I've read to and from people. I think this type of thing really can make us stroger, if nothing else, easier to deal with. THANK YOU AGAIN! <P>------------------<BR>

Okay I have to give my input because it goes in a different way. I called her number the day I got the cell phone bills. Didn't know who she was or who that number belonged to so I tried it. Then when I found out later that night I was so sad and hurt. I called her house the next day and her Husband called back. He was a real ditz.....said they couldn't possibly be having an affair because she had never been gone over night. LOL. I left her alone for 3 months...then in March of 99 my H told me she was bothering him again...he dialed her number and handed me the phone. I asked her to leave him and "our" family alone. In May of 99 I was arrested for Harassing Communications. My H defended her and even helped her have me arrested. In the process I lost my home and the girls for 6 weeks. I finally got them back in July of 99, but it can never erase the worst 6 weeks of my life. I was found guilty of the charges in November of 99 and am now on probation. We are now embroiled in a custody battle, and because of my record and his "greatness" I am losing the girls. Has been decided by the Guardian At Litem and the courts go with their recommendations. During that time in March....we were working on our marriage and I thought everything was going great. He even proposed marriage again to me in February of 99 so I thought we were well on our way. It seems now that it was just a great plan of his. He was only staying to get the tax return and start hiding money. He fooled everyone. That is what hurts....his attorney instructed him to do this....pretend and get everything ready when he finally decided to leave. He stole everything....my journals....money....coins.....savings bonds and stocks. I have nothing now. Just waiting for the final ball to drop. Just be smart....do not leave a paper trail.<BR>Nancy

I did make contact with the ow through email....but our situation was a little different because she was supposedly a friend of mine at church. It was a double-edged sword.....it certainly helped me to vent my frustration and anger with her, but it also kept me too connected to her for too long. The affair ended at the revelation and my husband sent her an email telling her he wanted nothing further to do with her. She did call him at work a day later and I let her know that it was not to happen again.....she contacted him by Instant Messenger several weeks later, and again I let her know that she was out of bounds. I never threatened her in any way.<P>With all of that said, I would encourage you NOT to make contact with the ow. What I would suggest is that you write all of your thoughts and feelings down on paper and then put it away somewhere for a while. See if simply getting it all out of your head doesn't help you and then perhaps you might tear the paper up or even burn it and bury it....symbolizing what you want to do with the negative thoughts and energies. <P>Most of all, continue to pray for guidance regarding your husband's job. God very clearly led us to a new church after about 6 months of prayer. Concentrate on healing your marriage and buildling new memories....focus on the positives and I believe you will find the need to contact her diminishing.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>

I did with 2 of the 8 OM. The first I sent him an anonymous letter containing scripture centered around adultery. He was a deacon in his church. He lives in my W's hometown. She had gone home for vacation without me because I had just changed jobs and didn't have vacation time left.<P>The last of 8 I wrote him and talked to him regularly, but didn't really know that anything was going on until she started showing the signs: being nasty, not sleeping in our bed, being distant, stopped wearing her ring. She still has not put it back on. She is upset with me because OM dogged her. He used her by running up her cell phone bill when she let him borrow it. Then he threatened to blackmail her by telling me what they had done. He is a real loser. She thinks she experienced true love with him. She doesn't understand that true love does not cause you to sin against God.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

GTMI,<BR>I too would like you to think before contacting the ow. HOnestly nothing that you will tell her would have the desired effect, and believe me she is aware that you are aware.<BR>I did have contact with my h's h, initiated by her but before it happened I had time to really think what to do if it happened, and decided that I would not encourage communication between us, I would not tell here anything about how our situation was in regards to the marriage and I certainly would not ask her an questions. Because, I had no interest in having contact with her, I had no interest on her knowing how things were between me and my h, and I would not give her the satisfaction of knowing that I was feeling so threatned by her that I wanted information. My attitude actualy helped because she felt so surprised by my supposed confidence, and so insecure for not knwoing how bad things were with us, that she actually lovebusted some.<BR>In any case, contact with the op is mostly negative. First you are showing them that they still worry you, and that gives them power over you. You are also "telling" them that you are not 100% secure of your relationship with your h, so if they are intersted they might try again. And to make it worse, you might be reminding them of the affair when maybe they are starting to look elsewhere.<BR>You will not accomplish anything by contacting her, it didn't bother her before the fact that your h was married to you, it won't bother her now. <BR>Just keep working on your marriage together with your H. Build up some trust - it will come back slowly - and let her go crazy with you confidence.<BR>By the way, in relation to work, my H and yours have quite a similar history. H and his ow, both worked together in the same shift. After affair ended he changed his schedule and started working night so they wouldn't be there during the same hours. There was still some contact in meetings that both had to attend and she used that for a while to keep contact.Don't worry though, it didn't work. H is now working on a different branch but every once in a while still had to go there. He also is looking for another job, but I'm not pressuring him for it , We are now on the second year after it happened and as I told you my trust is back and although I would love for him to quite right now, I'm o.k. with the situation as it is until he can get something else. <BR>If you want you can e-mail me. I can share with you some of the things we both did to help this situation.<BR>Take care<BR>kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

I spoke to her, went to her home, saw her on a couple of occassions and wrote to her once.<P>It didn't stop any of the urges so I guess it was useless to have done it.<P>I guess the only think I accomplished is taking the fun out of tormenting me. She was pulling all sorts of little tricks to get at me and when I initiated civil contact with her I guess I took the fun out of her trying to rile me up.<P>She still interferes regularly. Phone calls and "accidently" running into me or my H. <P>I don't think she is really very interested in my H or our marriage anymore, she has moved on to greener pastures.<P>This doesn't ease my suspicions about my H though. He was out looking for someone willing to give him sex without commitment. There are greener pastures for him too.

Well, I had the opportunity to see her and actually talk to her. She was 6 years younger than me (I was was 31.) It has been almost 2 years now and her image still haunts me. She was a fromer stripper. Long blond hair. Big tits. Acted "Fun". I can't even look at girls anymore hardly without thinking I should be trying to compete. My husband assures me that he was just having a nervous breakdown about the responsibility of being married. (We had only been married one year but together for 6). Everyday he is doing his damndest to make me feel good. The image of her and her voice still haunt me. My self esteems is gone in many ways. Some days I am my old confident self. The ONLY satisfaction I have is that I never caused a scene and acted like she could have him if she wanted him (only around her the one time, but it was her idea since I called over there after my husband had been back together for about 2 weeks, he was late coming home. She thought he was just there to apease me. I could tell by her tone of voice she fully expected he was just typing up loose ends with me) she recommended a MEETING TO CONFRONT HIM she called back 10 minutes later after he had walked in the door and I had told him she was coming over and it was her idea. Anything to make let him know she was going to be causing his discomfort. She came in the same hockey jersey as I had on trying to impress him. With UGG boots on to look sexy and a pair of shorts. It turned into I would only ask a few questions because I didn't want him to lie to me in front of her and make me look bad. I asked him before she got there though if I asked him right then and there in front of her what he wanted to do what he would say and he said me and to be with me. I did this and that is what he said, but they ended up screwing again and he "missed her" 2 weeks later. He WORKED IN THE SAME PLACE. RARELY GOT TO TALK TO HER that to me made it worse. She could not repulse him. Only ignore him and glance away fro him. tease him. make him think she was upset. he felt like he had hurt her I'm sure now. You do not want to talk to her. Find some way though of getting a for sure message to her somehow through someone even if it is years later that he told you ALL about it and add a few details he did tell you that will make it sound like you probably do know it all. And he told you he filled her with B.S. too amke himself feel better for having sex with her. Could have cared less about her problems (name some of them too) make him tell you some but don't tell him why. Those details are what I am struggling with. We all will NEVER know what it was like. The tone of voice her used when he wanted to play with her. The things he really said about you. What their little funny things they shared were. Those are the things I want to ask some in a post here if I should MAKE him tell me what the hell their flirting started like ect...