Hello Everyone!<P>Well, Claudia's message has brought me out of the woodwork, it had been months since I have posted on this website. I can't remember even what forum I posted under, at the time I didn't think there was an OW.<P>Background, one year ago my husband ( 8 years married, together 14 years) was acting strangely and of course I asked, "What's wrong?". Well it has gone down the tank since then. His reply, never loved me, not happy, miserable marriage. I thought we had the storybook relationship, people envied us!<P>Since then, he supposedly tried, only to show that he wasn't the bad guy. Said he needed his space so he moved out. At one point in the summer he came back and said he still loved me, I was so happy and knew we could work things out. Well, OW came into town the next week and that was the end of that. He again (according to him) had made a big mistake and shouldn't had tried to reconcile.<P>Now OW has changed countries to be with him. They work together, live together, I hope they just suffocate each other! They play family with my children. I filed for divorce only to protect myself and the children.<P>All along I have been hoping he would wake up, but he has not! I have been in a strict Plan B since this summer when he went to OW. Basically I have only talked to him about kids since August.<P>Now my divorce will be final in about 2 weeks and I just feel empty. I am thankful that I have custody of the kids and will keep our home. But, I not sure even what to say. I am now a single mom trying to raise a 7 and 5 year old essentially by myself. I'm just afraid that I can't do a good enough job alone. H doesn't seem to care, he knows I will pick up the responsibililty. But sometimes I'm afraid I will just crack up and<BR>let my children down. This wasn't how it was supposed to be ...<BR>Gwen

{{{{{{{{{{<B>gwen</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>You have my deepest sympathy.<P>The number of people on the forum who have completed divorces, or are about to, seems to be growing very rapidly... Convenant, RWD, Sue, Mental(shortly), db713, lonelymom(just got papers) and of course me too(divorce in progress.)<P>You've come here for support...<BR>...posting more often will give you more of that!<P>You continue on your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... and as you do... you learn from the people, here on the forums, how to develop new relationships... the right way.<P>Reading how people try to work through their <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>'s... is a great way to understand future difficulties when <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> eventually ends. Yes your busy with the kids now... I know... I have three myself... I too am acting as a single full-time working dad...<P>I stay at the forum in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... until my divorce comes closer and closer. I choose to stay here to <B>learn</B>... how to deal with my W if she ever returns... with the reality that that may not be God's will...<P>...and if it isn't His will... I know in time a new relationship will happen... and I will be so much more prepared.<P>That's the MB way!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...<B>and we will have learned to have a better future relationship</B>.<P>We don't just sit back in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... we learn from our mistakes (and from our spouses mistakes)... we learn honesty in our next relationship (and if we don't get it... it doesn't form into a marital relationship!)...<BR>We learn to better communicate (not hide) our own <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... we learn to identify and ask of a new relationship... what are their <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>...<P>We learn to be cautious... so there is no rebound!<P>We learn that <B>love</B> and <B>marriage</B> isn't a bad thing...<BR>We learn there is beauty in developing a healthy new relationship... one full of "passionate love"... that can continue for an entire marriage.<P>Will it be hard...<BR>...I think so... especially if you are the one with the responsibility of raising the children... but I think it <B>can</B> happen.<P>If my divorce comes through... I, myself, know I won't just look for a relationship with a young single woman... there are so many decent, wholesome, wonderful single/divorced mom's who have suffered the agony of betrayal... who have learned what a <B>real</B> marital relationship means... and in their own time are willing to start those healthy relationships anew.<P>I have nothing but compassion for you.<BR>Post more often.<BR>There is no separate forum for those who have already divorced... but post anyway.<P>As always... I'll pray for you and your children too. <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited February 17, 2000).]

Hi Gwen,<P> I'm so sorry about your situation and I'm curious why did you need to file for D to protect yourself? It doesn't sound like that's what you wanted , is it your state's D laws? I think it's horrible that one feels like that's their only recourse....at any rate, we're all here for you .....Lu

Gwen,<P>Is it too late to stop the divorce?? It sounds like its not what you want. Is it possible you could just go for child support, custody, etc?? Why give him a divorce if you still love him?? I guess I feel if you love him, don't do it. <P>I am meeting with a lawyer tomorrow. I may fight the papers I was served. My state doesn't have no fault which means, he needs to be gone for one year. Yes I can divorce him on adultry, but not ready, (only been 6 weeks, they are still in la la land). <P>I have been to a divorse support forum at about.com. The people there are nice too, not a lot of 'regulars' there though. But you can go check that out also.<P>Are you sending the kids regularly for visits with H? What do they think of OW? Do they understand?? This is a problem I am struggling with right now.<P>Prayers are with you.

Hi Gwen:<P>I used to post a while back also and have stopped and am now back just to lurk. You and I have the exact same thing. I have a 7 and 4 year old. Stopped working to raise them - and now Dad is living with his girlfriend and about to serve me papers any day. I don't want it, but find myself sometimes wishing it was just over. I cry for my boys, believing they deserve better than this. They deserve their dad and an intact family like all their friends in the neighborhood have. In my case, when it's over I'm moving back home (another state) and my H is most likely going to be transferred somewhere across the country. So much for the visitation "game".<P>I know how you feel about the letter thing. At this point, it's all been said and the letter doesn't totally apply anymore and he doesn't care to hear that I still love him anymore. Besides I've tried Dr. Harley's suggestions before and his girlfriend gets in the middle and tells him I'm just trying to brain wash him. He moved me to this state (Michigan) and look what I found when I got here! I also have no family or friends here to act as a go-between. He visits kids here in my home and I leave (either for my DivorceCare meetings or shopping). I can see that's going to end soon because he just goes thru my stuff and computer. I have no alternative tho because I'd rather have him here with them than at her place. Unfortunately, you can't stop H's from self-destructing and neither can I. I don't want him to take me with him on that journey tho. They won't see what they've done until it's too late and in the meantime here we sit with all the responsibility dumped into our laps after we haven't been in the job force for quite some time while they become "free" again.<P>I'm a Christian and my H was "kinda" one. I feel like this may be for a reason in my case, like he's been holding me back from being able to grow as a Christian and now I will have that opportunity to have the life back that I was raised with. Sure I'd take him back, but he'd have to jump through some really high hoops and that just isn't going to happen, besides the OW is a real manipulative one, really slick. She accuses me of things that she herself is doing - like the pot calling the kettle black, only he looks at me badly even tho she is lying and he doesn't see what she has done. Like, all this time she has been hang-up calling me 3-4 times a day using a calling card so I couldn't trace the number on my ID but I knew it was her. He was aware of it and refused to believe she would do something like that so kept protecting her. His cell phone bill came in and I called a number on it and it was hers, she answered and I hung up. It happened ONE TIME and suddenly I'm harassing her! She is slick and unfortunately I'll have to deal with this one for a very long time now - I just beg God not to give them children! She's 36 and has none so I know her clock is ticking!<P>I am just as frightened as you. I can't imagine that I could give my kids half the life they are used to right now. I'll have to go back to school. Child support is a joke - women (at-homers) never recover the financial loss either for our family or for our old age. My old career is gone and I wouldn't want it anyway - the stress of that kind of job and taking care of children, house upkeep, meals, homework, pets, kids activities would give me a stoke. I'm going to go back to school for something enjoyable and relaxing - landscape design - it's something I love like crazy. He'll just have to pay maintenance until I can get myself together. My parents are retired and I have a big family to help me back in Illinois. It just kinda stinks because I'll be living in my sister's finished basement so there will be a lack of home structure for a while.<P>I don't know how to end this, but I know what you are going through. We all seem to have the same story. We're all more scared than we've ever been. The killer is that they don't care, after all those years and popping out children, they don't care. It makes the world look very cruel. I'm probably not helping very much am I and this is long. Sorry. Take care and God bless.

Thank you all for responding!<P>Jim-<BR>Thank you! Yes, I have spent the last year trying to understand what went wrong. How I contributed to the marriage falling apart. I realize how naive I was, I had been with my husband since I was 18 and it was my first serious relationship. I have learned so much<BR>this last year, and while it has been a horrible experience I know I am stronger and a better person because of it. Thank you for your compassion, it really helps to be understood by people going through similar experiences.<P>Lu -<BR>I pretty much did Plan A for about 5 months trying to get my H to work on the marriage. Then he told me he wanted to date, be on his own and maybe he would feel differently in a year or two. Soon OW was in the picture and my H was acting insane. I didn't trust him or her, so I decided to file. I probably could have waited, but I was scared. I didn't want to lose my kids or home and I knew my H still cared enough to let us keep our lives intact. It went smoothly and he agreed to a very unequitable division, in my favor. My lawyer contantly tells me how unusual this is and in some way I guess I'm lucky?<P>lonelymom-<BR>At this point I don't want to stop the divorce, it will happen. I know I will always love my husband in some way, but I don't even like him now. He made me out to be a monster, trashed me and our relationship. It is just so sad. I have decided to just let go for now and let him have this new life he wanted so badly.<P>The kids do see him regularly, one night a week and every other weekend. He is great with them, they love him very much and I encourge that. They even like OW and tell me how nice and pretty she is. I'm sorry he rushed things with her and the kids, but they seem to be handling it. And no, I don't think they really understand. They are only 6 and 5. Maybe they are young enough to accept this?<P>Good luck with your situation, I am familiar with your story. I was afraid my husband would do something like yours and go after everything. I hope he changes his mind and comes to his senses.<P>Hurt Bad-<BR>Yes, your story is very familiar. I just had no idea how often the same things happen. Good luck with becoming a landscape designer, that is my dream job too! I spent the summer landscaping my yards (keeping my mind occupied) and love to work in the garden, nothing like getting your hands dirty! <P>I work full time now, I was about to quit my job before this happened so I could spend more time with the kids. For some reason I kept stalling, and am thankful I still have my job. It is hard though, juggling it all.<BR>And you are right, the killer is they don't care. I will never understand how they can walk away and not seem to care?<p>[This message has been edited by gwen (edited February 17, 2000).]

I can only speak for myself here so.............<P>My H and I dated for three years, we had both graduated from college, waited until we were 28 and 29 to marry. Both of us have been financially independent most of our married lives. When I look at why we stayed together, the financial part was certainly there, but not up on the list. I felt it was because of:<BR>A. Love and Commitment<BR>B. Similar ideas on religion, lifestyle.<BR>C. Our children<BR>D. Our family<BR>Now the only thing left is the children. <BR>I take my responsibility for my part in my H not being happy in our relationship. I am a mother type, and he fits the child role to a T.He was very happy letting me be the mother, taking care of all, but then there was nothing left for him. Unfortunately, that does not make for a good marriage. <P>I am starting over, but not in a poor financial position. I was very careful not to be a victim in this on that end, anyway. Now, emotionally, I have gone through the whole span of emotions we have all felt. And I have struggled with it on many occassions. We will all get to the point where we are either resolved in the fact that our marriages are over, or we continue to work on ourselves and are available for our wayward spouses to return if they so choose. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>