Hello everyone,<P>I'm new to this forum. I didn't realize there were so many fellow sufferers out there. I could use some suggestions and advice if you don't mind.<P>I have been married for 15 years. In fact my 15th anniversary was this past wednesday. That's when I realized it was time to pull the plug and let the ship sink. Since the first year we were married my husband has been consistantly unfaithful to me. It really devastated my life because I loved him so much. All I wanted was for him to love me, but I never felt as though he did. He has cheated on me 6 times that I know of for sure (he confessed because I busted him and he couldn't lie his way out of it). Who knows how many time he cheated on me that I don't know about, and for that matter really don't want to know about. The thing is, it was never emotional to him, it was just sex. He never fell in love with anyone else or had an ongoing relationship, it was always just a one time sex thing. That doesn't make me feel better about it.<P>Anyway, I loved him so much, and wanted him to love me so much, that I stayed in the marriage and tried to make it better, hoping he would get over it. For the past few years I believe he has been faithful to me, but I am so angry and resentful that I have withdrawn from him. I cringe everytime he touches me or wants to be close to me, cause I feel like all I am to him is a piece of meat, and all I can think of is all the other women he's been with. He doesn't understand how I feel and thinks I should be over it by now. It just doesn't go away, and it doesn't take much to be reminded of it all.<P>He has put me through more pain and humiliation than anyone ever has. I once had to bail him out of jail for trying to pick up a prostitute that was actually an undercover cop! To add insult to injury, it was a sting operation and a local news crew caught it on tape an televised the whole sorded mess! Everyone I new saw it. What utter humiliation I felt! He is a sex addict and is so driven by lust it's rediculous. He can't tell the difference between love and sex. All he wants is sex, and it doesn't matter who it's with.<P>Well, this past anniversary was the straw that broke the proverbial camels back. We had a nice evening out, and I guess he expected sex that night but it wasn't about to happen, cause I just started my period that day and was crampy and not feeling real well. (ladies, you know how it is). Well, the next morning I woke up arounf 5:45 to go to the bathroom. He was already up, so I headed out to the living room. As soon as I walked through the door I saw him spring out of the rocking chait like a bolt of lightning and start maddly trying to change the channel on the TV. His pants were unbuttoned and it was very obvious what he was doing. Now, some of you may think so what. Well, the way I see it is that he was lusting after some women on TV and doing you know what. As far as I'm concerned this is mental adultry. It just made it so much more clear to me that he can't control his lust, and it doesn't take much effort to go from fantasy to reality. Especcially since he's already done that so many times before. I was really hurt and angry. All those old memories came flooding back. I was sickened by the thought of just what a pervert he really is. I guess up until now I didn't want to think that.<P>I have felt that for the past 15 years I have been on a sinking ship, madly bailing water out while he stood by and watched and did nothing. I was always the one to try and save the marriage. I bought books, tapes, videos, we went to marriage seminars and counseling, but it was always my effort, never his. Well, I'm tired of bailing. I thing it's time to abandon ship and let it sink. He claims he loves me and wants the marriage to work. He begged me for another chance, and finally admitted he has a problem and wants to get help. I'm just emotionally drained and don't know if I want to give it anymore energy. I think at this point nothing shoet of a miricle will save my marriage. For financial reasons (we own a small buisness) and for the kids sake, I said he could stay here, but as far as I'm concerned we are just room mates and business partners. Sorry to be so long winded, but I really don't know what to do. Should I give it another chance? Should I bail out? Please help, I'm really confused and don't know what to do.<P>Thanks,<P>Lisa

What a tough spot you are in. No one could blame you for leaving. If I were you, I would need to see some improvement in him to want to try again but that is just me. If he gets help it may be worth another try but I like you would be concerned about putting more energy into it without getting something in return.<P>Ultimatly you have to decide if you can go on. Many people here will help and encourage you.<P>Good Luck.<P>Acacia

Welcome, Zibbler. It sucks to be here, but its better than nowhere.<P>Unfortunately, none of us can answer your questions. But we can be here for you, encouraging you to post and to read and to share.<P>But his admitting there is a problem is a huge first step to solving his problem. But you also have to work on solving your problems. Resentment, anger, hate, all of these and more will conspire against your marriage and you have to decide whether or not to conspire with them or try some more love, understanding, and hopefulness.<P>Good luck. We'll help as much as we can.<P>------------------<BR>Allen<BR>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Welcome! I'm sorry you have to be here but I hope the people here can help you as they have me. You have been through a lot in your marriage and still for some reason you stay. You must still want it deep down or the other feelings would have taken completely over by now. You said that you have read, etc., etc., etc... I think that with your situation of letting him stay (room mate situation), the ball is in your court. IF he says he needs help. Now is the time to prove to you he means business. While your in this current living situation ask him to get this help and look for any other method to get it. It sounds like an addiction and addictions can be treated if it is the true desire of the one needing help. I wish the best for you in this very awkward time. Be strong. You have "waded" in this water a very long time, you have learned to tread well. Give yourself credit for the steps you have taken then step back and wait for him to start walking. Love and Blessings to You! <P>------------------<BR>

Welcome <B>zibbler</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Once you finish reading it...<BR>Go into an immediate <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... for a few months at least... it sounds like you may have been doing it to some extent... now make it a <B>pronounced</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Quickly... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A: Avoid angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, annoying behavior and dishonesty (i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>!) at all costs. (page 75 of SAA)...<B>and</B> at the same time, if your spouse would let the you, you should try to meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. (page 77 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P>Then... after a few months of a <B>pure</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... if your love for your H has begun to really dwindle from your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>... then consider going into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<P>If you are really unclear about this... even after getting the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... think of having a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>This counseling, I would say, is more focused on the MB concepts...(unlike other counseling you may have had) and gives you a reasonable chance (no guarantees though...) for you marriage to rebuild. (Yes... you still have to do most of the work!)<P>My prayers are with you... <P>Jim

Hello again. Thanks for all the replies. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do, but like some suggested, since I'm in a "roomate" situation I have the luxury of sitting back and waiting to see what happens. If he's sincere then he will get the help he needs and actively pursue it. If he's not sincere, then he's outa here. But I don't have to make any decisions right now, so I will see what happens.<P>I printed the section out on the MB page about getting over resentmen and told him to read it. I could relate so much to it. After he read it I think for the first time he really saw the damage he did to me and just how hurt I really am. I also printed out some sermon topics about adultry. I think reality is starting to sink in for him and he is beginning to see what he really is. He looked up the word fornicater in the concordance and said he was shocked by the definition. He didn't really understand what it meant until now and admitted that he is a fornicater.<P>I am so lonely all the time. He never understood how I could feel so lonely, but I think he does now. Last night I was just really feeling empty and really wanted to be hugged and loved, but not by him. I asked my 5 year old daughter to come snuggle with me. She's a little love bug and was willing to oblige <P>Later as we were talking I told him all I ever wanted was to be loved. I started crying uncontrollably, which for me is rare because I'm one of those people that just won't aloow myself to cry. I stuff everything in. I know it's not good to do that but that's just the way I am. Anyway, all those years of pain that I stuffed down came bursting out of me and I think it really freaked my husband out. He has rarely ever seen me cry. He tried to hold me but I told him I didn't want his "false love". He said it was not false love and that he really does love me. I believe him, but am so hurt and confused that I just don't want him to touch me. He said he was sorry he made me cry. I told him he has no idea how many nights I cried myself to sleep.<P>Thanks for all the input. For now I will take no action, but will wait and watch. Time will tell if he is sincere, and if I am willing to invest more energy. As far as I can see, the ball is in his court and I'm the referee! I really do want my marriage to work. I really do want him to love me with a real love, and I still love him but emotionally I'm drained and feel nothing for him right now.<P>God bless you all,<P>Lisa

Dear Liza, <BR>While I was reading your previous post telling about the circusmstances in whihc you were crying and your husband was trying to hug you and telling you he loves you, etc...<BR>I couldn't stop my tears - too emotional ? Well, I just identified the pictures I was with my fiance whom I have left two weeks ago. You are really "marvellous" as you can stay in such 'tormenting' (sorry but I do think it is tormenting) relationship for 15 years ??? How can you do that ? Compared to you, I suddenly wondered if I was too IMPATIENT ? I ran away just after 2 years ! (Maybe it is because I am not married to him yet - just engaged.) My fiance was EXACTLY like your husband - almost the same type in this aspect. I did think about he is a sex addict and but he denies it and acted very agitated as he thinks he is NORMAL. Just one year living togther, he has slept with 8 women (maybe more than 8 but I don't know others)... How can I live with such situation ? I gave him chances and hoped that he would stop when he realised how much pain he brought me - but he just said to me, "There is nothing serious, nothing to cry about, do not take things so serious... I am still here.. I am not leaving you..." You see, from his tone, he has no remorse, no guilt... he thinks he is going out for sex fun is very "NORMAL" - it is ME to exaggerate the matter. <BR>He is also affectionate, he keeps on telling me how much he loves me, he tried very hard to make me understand he is going out just for sex and never have any emotions involved... But when I realise he keeps sending ads to online personal to seek more women, when I know that he keeps chatting women on ICQ and asking them out for sex... buying new stockings and garter belt NOT for me but for his internet women... etc... HOW CAN I SURVIVE ??? HOW CAN I SURVIVE IN SUCH ENVIRONMENT FOR 15 YEARS ??? Liza, can you tell me how can you do that ? And what made you stay there so long ? Because of kids and business ? Do you see any sign that your husband will stop his sex fun ? Or we women demand too much ? If you find any input can share with me, you are welcome to email me <vickyche@looksmart.com> The more I talk, the more I feel if it's correct to read this web site while I read so many similar stories to remind my painful relationship ??? <BR><Vicky>