My wife has told me that she does not want to celebrate her birthday this year. I believe it is because of our recent history with holidays. I confronted her with her affair on New Years Day, and on Valentines Day, the gift I gave her reminded her of the OM.<P>I should note that for the 16 years of our marriage, she has always acted like a little kid when it came to her birthday, very excited.<P>I have made arrangements to be off work on her birthday, and have suggested a few things that we could do together. Her response was, "I can see that we are going to fight over this".<P>I am not quite sure what to do at this point. We seem to be getting closer. If I ignore her birthday, she could possibly get upset for not getting anything for her birthday. If I do get her something, and take the day off from work, she could possibly get upset for that. I am unsure what to do and thought someone out there may have a suggestion or two.<P>Thanks in advance.

wanted you to at least get a reply!<P>Maybe your S needs to know you love her without smothering. I am guilty of doing this. Perhaps taking the day off from work would be a little bit much for her right now. How about: a beautiful card with a personal note written and tucked inside, maybe a massage that she can go have during the day (it would be a gift from you but something she could do on her own), someone else to come in and prepare dinner - or clean the house(if she wouldn't be offended by this and take it the wrong way), something little, but thoughful. <P>What is her favorite hobby? Buy something she has always talked about but hasn't gotten for herself. Don't make it too extravagant. Personally, I do think that the best gifts come in small packages.<P>Hope I helped some.....

scanman,<P>RCoaster is 100% right...<BR>Don't smother... but love her...<P>My W always liked getting a professional massage at the local spa (used to like my massages too at one time).<P>Definitely <B>not</B> extravagant.<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

They're right!!<P>You cannot ignore it, but don't make too much of it. Live the day as usual, give her a card and a modest gift (try to make it a thoughtful one ,(interesting earrings, not necessarily emeralds). <P>Good luck to you.

Thank you for the replies. We had a rather rocky weekend. I was getting ready to leave to go shopping for her on Sunday afternoon, when she screamed, "If you are going out to get me something for my birthday, just forget it. Anything that <B>You</B> get me, I am just going to smash. My children were in the room when she said that and the tears were just welling up in their eyes.<P>I had planned to take the advice of the people on this board and just get her something like a movie pass, or a gift certificate to get her nails done, but now I am not. I had already told her that I would respect her wishes and not take the day off work.<P>I am still going to get her a card and write a note to her. You know, after this weekend, she wrote me the deepest, most loving letter. She has not expressed to me her feelings in such a long time, and with her letter she basically said things that seem as if she wants to make our relationship work. Man, what a rollercoaster ride this is!

Actually, I believe we are all on THE steepest, scariest rollercoaster in the world!<P>Hang on!!!<P>Kathi

Well, tomorrow is her birthday.<P>I had planned on working the whole day, since she seemed rather eager for me not to take the day off. She asked me last night if I would work half a day so I could come home early.<P>I am going to go home early Wednesday, but I have no gifts to give her. Instead of a gift, I have made some "Birthday Rain Checks". These are small pieces of paper with a picture and description of each item I was going to buy her. I put these in a card and wrote a note explaining that whenever she wanted to use them, just let me know.<P>Please wish me luck, as I really want her to have a wonderful day.<P>Oh, by the way, last night, she called me to tell me that she was going to be late from work. She explained that the OM had come in (he makes deliveries to where she works - usually takes him about an hour) right when she was preparing to leave and she told him that he would have to come back another day when she was not there. She said that he was pretty mad about that. I was SO glad she did that. <P>What a ride this is!

Congrats! Sounds like things are going well. Your idea is very creative and thoughtful. Wish my H was as romantic as you seem. Good Luck tomorrow.<P>vett<BR>

scanman,<P>the MOST important thing, in my opinion, would be to respect her wishes...no matter what you feel....<P>what she told the Om is a great sign....<P>go home early from work, as she requested, also, maybe ad some 'coupons' for nice things you could do for her..such as preparing her a bubble bath, watching the kids if she wants to do something, or breakfast in bed when she so chooses...you know what I mean...<P>as I said...respect her wishes to not get her anything...otherwise, you'll be in for gosh knows what...I think it's a test to see if you will actually 'HEAR' her...and listen....it's not about her wanting or not wanting a gift..she probably feels she doesn't deserve one, and is reacting this way out of guilt...<P>just my 2 cents<P>Dylan

Well, I stayed home today. She asked me if I was going to play hookey from work this morning, and then told me that while I was in the shower, she almost got in there with me. Man, what a rollercoaster this is!<P>I gave her the card with the "Birthday Rain Checks" in it. She seemed pleased. She wrote a note to me telling me that she did not sleep well last night (thinking all night). She was sad in that she misses her father (he died about 1.5 years ago - about the same time her affair began) and also that when the OM came to her work the other day and she told him to leave and come back, he did not even mention her birthday to her and it makes her sad. <P>The reason she told him to leave her work the other day is that she was getting ready to leave to come home and she was afraid of my response if she were to stay late at work alone with him.<P>I suppose I can take comfort in the fact that she at least opened up to me to tell me her feelings. That is something she has been very reluctant to do. When she gave me this note, I thanked her for opening up to me and told her how much it means to me. No LBs!<P>Anyway, please think good thoughts for her today, as I know she is having a very difficult time right now.

Scan--<BR> Sounds great so far!!! I think her opening up to you is a really good sign.<BR>Hope ya'll have a good day. <BR>Kathi