I got the boys up this morning and made their breakfast. When I brought them their clothes to put on, I noticed my 7 year old had a very sad look on his face. I asked him if he was sad about going to school. He just shook his head no and then he started crying. I asked him if he was sad about his dad. He shook his head yes. This poor kid. This is just killing me to see him missing his dad. He cried and I hugged him a lot!!!!!!! He said he had a dream about his dad but he can't remember what it was about. I sat down with him and cried for him. This child is the most wonderful little boy in the world. I was glad to see him crying though. He is usually a little clown about everything. That is his way of dealing with things. So, that is why I was glad to see him crying. I think he needs to get that out. It is just that it absolutely kills me to see him sad. I love my boys more than anything in this entire world. I love them so much it hurts. That is why I can't see how their father could leave them. It also makes me sad because their dad doesn't see them when they are sad. Or, if they do cry he just looks the other way. I will never for the life of me understand why he did any of this. For me, the thought of abandoning my children makes me sick. How do you walk away from two innocent souls who are counting on you for love and care and all the other stuff that goes along with being a parent? I just don't get it. It breaks my heart. I am so glad I have my boys! They are the best thing God ever gave me! I was incredibly blessed when they came into my world! I just wish my husband could see how lucky he is to have these boys! I keep telling the boys I that they are the best thing that ever came out of Mom and Dad's marriage. They truly are. If I hadn't met their daddy and fell in love with him I never would have had them. They know I still love their father. I am not afraid to tell them that. I think they need to know that. I guess what I am saying here is if you have your kids, hug them today like there is no tomorrow!!!!!!! When I dropped my 7 year old off at school today, he got out of the car, shut the door and looked at me and blew me a kiss! What a sweetheart! He is so precious! I really have been blessed! He is taking it harder than my 9 year old as he is much closer to his dad.<P>~Woozy

{{{{{WOOZY}}}}}<P>My kids are sad too. Their dad is still in their life, he doesn't feel guilty because he has to do what makes HIM happy. It kills me that people bring an innocent child into this cruel world, and go off to be selfish. All I can say is what I have been told, be strong in front of the children, cry when they are asleep. When your kids are older they will have a relationship with you that H could NEVER get from them.<P>It will get better for all of us. I truly believe that. Dana<BR>

Okay,<BR>I have been trying all morning to avoid your post. Sorry to say. I knew it would make me cry. My children are 7&9 too. The same reactions also. 9 year old has had it. No crying on her part. 7 year old is so sweet. Misses her dad, but doesn't like what he is doing. I used to think the same thing.....how can he just leave them. In fact I had said that to him a few times. Now he tells me that is why he is fighting for custody. Because of what I have said and from what others have said to him......how can you just walk away from your kids? He said this is his way of proving that he walked away from me....not them. But I will never see any differently.....he walked away from "us"

Woozy,<BR>I have 3 boys (10, 7 1/2 and almost 3). They have been such a blessing to me. 2 nights ago, my 2 older ones found a picture that their dad had colored in a coloring book. My 10 yr old started crying and later my middle one cried himself to sleep. It makes you feel so helpless because you can't do anything to ease their pain. You can only help them go thru it. <P>Prayers to you and you children,<BR>Mitzi

The worst I have felt is when I see my children so sad because of everything.<BR>My 3 year old saw a commercial for missing children the other day and started crying and she said that her dad was misssing and we need to call someone to find him.<BR>

Unforgiven,<P>That is so sad! It breaks my heart what our dear, sweet and innocent children are going through. The worst hurt for me is seeing my children hurt! <P>My youngest is in 2nd grade. Last Thursday they had to watch a film on drugs and alcohol. That evening, he asked me if his dad could be on drugs. I told him no and asked him why he thought that. He then told me about the film they watched and said that drugs make you do things that you wouldn't normally do and all that sort of stuff. He sees his dad doing things that he can't understand and so his answer to it was that maybe he is taking drugs. That broke my heart again! His dad was drinking though when we were going through all of this. I don't know if he quit drinking once he moved out or not. <P>He showed up today unannounced also. He came this morning before the kids had to go to school. He spent two hours with me and then came back when the kids got home and spent another three hours. The thing about these darned visits is that it just makes my youngest sadder and miss his dad more. When I tucked him into bed he cried and cried. I hugged and hugged him. It makes me so angry that my husband can't realize what he is doing to his children. What makes me even more angry is that he and I had a good relationship. Yes, there were some issues that I wanted to try and work on but he decided he couldn't deal with anything and had an affair to take the easy way out. In the end, my kids end up hurting the worst!<P>I can almost endure the pain, but seeing my kids go through this pain is the worst! Just keep hugging them and loving them! That is all I can do! That is all any of us can do when they are going through this.<P>~Woozy

I guess I'm lucky. My kids hardly even seem to miss their mother. She called over the weekend and said she ws off Tues & Wed nits and the kids could stay if THEY wanted. MY son said yes, my daughter said no as her friend comes over Wed mornings before school. Tonite as soon as my son got home he said "I don't want to go to mom's tonite, I want to play with my friends." <P>My daughter said pretty much the same thing about staying Sat & Sun with her mother.<P>I've been divorced a month now and am finally realizing that I didn't have much of a marriage. Other than the added responsibilty, I don't really miss her. Other than every other weekends when the kids go to her place, I am not lonely. <P>Since I am planning to start dating, i expect those weekends to be better too!<P>I've also noticed that my x's phone calls have dropped from twice a day to once a day. They last an average of 2 minutes if that.<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

RWD,<P>My older son doesn't miss his father at all. He seems to be a happier kid without him here. My youngest does quite well but I think it sets him back after he sees his dad. The older one seems to enjoy his dad when he does visit. But he doesn't miss him when he leaves. My h was very hard on our him but he was close to our youngest. It does hurt me though to see them hurt. More than anything, my oldest is just angry with his dad. We may end up moving to be closer to family. My oldest has made a lot of good friends here and he doesn't want to lose them. He is 9 years old and I think he is very mad at his dad for messing things up for us. You know what? I am very mad at his dad for the very same reasons! Anyway, we do get along fine without my husband here and like you, I think we are doing better without him here on a daily basis. It just sucks when he pops in and out of our lives. That is what messes us up! I seem to be recovering better from this visit than the last one though so that is a good thing. I guess I know I am but I do worry about the kids. I do believe that as they get older they will form their own opinions about what their father has done. They have already voiced quite a few of their opinions and all I have to say is they are very smart boys! I do also believe that there will come a time when their dad will want to spend time with them and they will say no. Can I blame them? NOPE!<P>~Woozy

Woozy,<BR>I sincerely hope things get better for you and those beautiful children. They are smart children. Everyone needs to give children a lot more credit than they do....they know what they want....and they certainly know what is right and wrong. I just hope that everything works out in the best interest for those sweet kids.....and for that matter all of the children that have been forced to "accept" a new lifestyle without having any say.<P>Hugs<BR>Nancy

Thank you so much Nancy! It is really unfair to the kids isn't it? I have just been asking my kids how they are feeling about things. I do that a couple times a day. If they look like they are feeling down, I try to talk to them about it. They are going through such a hard time right now as are other kids who are in this same situation. I think it is so much harder for the kids because they really never get the whole story. I have been honest with them but I don't tell them everything. They know their father is living with another woman and they themselves know that is wrong. If they have questions I try to answer them as best I can. That is hard sometimes. Right now, our counselor wants me to help them write their father an e-mail and ask him questions about why he left us and went to live with this woman. These are questions I haven't wanted to ask myself so I sit and wonder how I am supposed to help my kids ask these things when I am not ready for the answers. I sort of like living in my own little fantasy world too. You know, the one where I can pretend that he would really rather be at home with his family but he feels so ashamed that he can't face moving back home. So, how do I ask him those questions? I don't want to know the answers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But, the main thing is, love those kids like there is no tomorrow! I have been taking time to read to them every night. That is one of the things we have always enjoyed. Then we sit and talk for a little while after we read. My kids are very good company to have around. I love them so much and I am so lucky to have them! <P>~Woozy

I knew that if I clicked on this post, that it would put me into a tailspin downwards to seeing how loathsome a person that I have become. My God, I feel so bad tonight. I have 2 very bright and beautiful daughters, and I have caused them so much pain. It's so hard some times to go on, knowing that I have torn there world apart. Sometimes it is so unbearable. I have made my oldest daughter (14), so bitter. And even though the youngest one (11) doesn't show it much, I have stolen so much from her. I keep asking God for forgiveness, and I ask it of my daughters too, and I do know that Jesus' blood was shed for what I have done, but it is still so difficult to look into their eyes and see the disappointment, everytime that I walk out the door. God, I am so sorry. I don't know how things went so wrong.

guard, I know that when my husband wakes up he will feel the same way about our kids. He was very close to them. Esp. the oldest daughter. She is 10 and really having a hard time. It will get worse because I have gone to plan B<P>It is so hard to know what to tell the kids. We have been kneeling down to pray together and that helps<P>Woozy,<BR>I have found my relationships with my kids strenghthening as well. Of course it almost has to, because we are it. Many nights all three are in bed with me. THank goodness I have a king.

Hi everybody,<P>Sorry about the self pity post last night. I was feeling pretty down last night. I have a better perspective today after going to bible study and talking with my counselor. Can't live in the past and be filled with regrets and self pity. Nothing there but heart ache for everyone, and I can't focus on the man God intends for me to be.<P>Mental, You are right about what you are saying. In my confused and idiotic thinking, it was bad enough that I had the thoughts of giving up on my marriage, but I kept telling myself that I wasn't giving up on my kids. What a big lie that was! Now that the fog has cleared, I do see the hurt and pain that I have caused them, by doing this. These girls are just one of the many reasons that I am willing to endure anything to reconcile and recover my marriage, and my family. <P>Mental, you are also right on about how smart kids are. Sometimes we think they are oblivious to what is happening, but they really do know everything that is going on. Sometimes Lor and I just could not keep our discussions from flowing over into their earshot. It was worse when we both had been drinking. Duh! Nothing like mixing alcohol with frayed emotions.<P>One thing that I do know. My girls need to see a strong, confident, spirit filled dad that they can trust and rely on, then someone who is depressed, afraid, weak, with poor morals. That is what I had become. <P>Claudia, I hope that your husband will wake up and see that his kids and you need a man in their lives. Hope that your plan bears fruit. I go to a men's bible study now, and it really helps me to understand what a good christian man needs to be. It is also good to share fellowship with men who have gone through some of the same failures that I have, and see how strong and confident they now are in their lives and relationships.<P>Take care, Guard

Your Story broke my heart, God Bleess your children. My son is 10 , and in a way I wish that he would let it out and cry, but he does not. That worries me, I talk him a lot and I think because he knows that I hurt so much he wants to be brave with me . My husband is coming back tomorrow from a 2 weeks business trip. They will spent some time together on the weekend.<BR>Be strong for your kids, and continue to tell them how much you love them.<BR>Anne T

{{{{{{{{{WOOZY, LONELYMOM, MENTAL, UNFORGIVEN, RWD AND YOUR PRECIOUS KIDS}}}}}<P>This thread brought tears to my eyes.<P>My kids are younger, 5 and 2. I am so sorry for your kids having to go through this and at the same time, it gives me more determination to make this marriage work.<P>The biggest change in my h since he ended the affair, is that he truly loves his kids for the first time. I am amazed to watch them, he has fallen in love with them. There is no figuring any of this out...<P>I hope my sharing can give you hope, not rub salt in the wound. People can change, though we can't change them. We can only be and do what we should and can.<P>But for me, this was the first and biggest thing that started the cycle of resentment. When my wonderful little boy was born, there was no "click" between father and son. When I told him daddy wanted to leave last OCt, he said "ok". He really would not have missed him. Now, they both adore him.<P>And kids do say the darndest things. I think most of you replied on my thread of my miscarriage last week. When Brandon returned to school yesterday, he was telling the boys on the playground how the baby died and went to heaven. Then he tells them that lots of blood came out of mommy's peepee. "That's gross". "No, really it did".<P>

Guard,<P>I am glad that you were able to wake up and see the damage you were causing your children. My h doesn't see what he is doing because the boys won't allow him to see them sad. They won't even ask him to come back home. They won't beg him to stay when he leaves. I guess I have some pretty well-adjusted boys. I wish my h could wake up and get over his midlife-crisis! I wish he could see what he is doing to us. I know my boys are doing ok but they are still hurting and they don't understand why this is happening. I can't explain it to them either because I don't know why he is doing this to us!<P>Guard, I am just glad you are having a better day today! Just keep loving your kids and show them that you love them every chance you get! You are at least at a place in your life where you know what matters the most! I am proud of you! Maybe my h will wake up some day soon. I keep praying for that to happen like crazy!<P>~Woozy

Woozy,<P>Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot to me. <P>My youngest one wants me to come home, the oldest one is still very angry and feeling betrayed. Rightfully so. I betrayed her trust that her daddy would always be there for her, and I kept crushing her belief in that, every time I left the house, because "I couln't handle life". It's hard to look within your self to see that I put my selfish needs above my family. No matter what else, my commitment to Christ, and these three ladies are all that matter to me. <P>It is going to take a long time to heal and gain any trust again, because I have abused that trust so badly. I will keep showing them that I love them so dearly every chance that I get, and to continue to ask for their forgiveness, and be a faithful, humble, honest, and strong man. Even with the latest set back, I continue to have faith that God will heal my marriage, my family, my W's heart, and continue to heal me. I was a very sick individual. <P>Woozy, I will put your husband and your family on my prayer list. I will pray for your husband to ask God back into his heart, for the Lord to bind satan's grip on him and that the fog be lifted from his eyes so that he may see the hurt and pain in his children's faces. He is a child of Gods, and is claimed in his name. I will pray for your children to be protected and comforted by the Angels.<P>Take care, Kevin

One of my kids hasn't spoken to her father since he left a year ago. Months ago, I said something to him about my being afraid he had lost her permanently - and he responded that HE wasn't responsible for losing HER - in other words, it was her fault. He told the kids that he doesn't like me and that he made a mistake marrying me. <P>Our youngest child clung to him a few days ago when he dropped her off, asking him not to go - but he showed very little emotion. He has called them about 3 times in a year. He has been cutting back on visitation every couple of months, not telling the kids ahead of time - generally leaving me to tell them. <P>Our oldest kids think that depression does not adequately explain his behavior. They think that it is a symptom of a serious character flaw, and that he has always been like that, but was able to hide it. Maybe they are right.

Kevin,<P>Thank you so much for your prayer! I am now crying! My h called me earlier today from work. He wanted to come over this evening to get a cheesecake pan and my grandma's cheesecake recipe. He was just here. He came in and he was wearing a sweatshirt that was mine. I gave it to him the first time he left. He happened to be wearing it that night and we got into an argument and I grabbed his shirt, which was mine and I ripped it. I told him he could keep it because it was too big for me anyway. Well, it kind of did me in when he showed up tonight and was wearing it. I suppose that is stupid. Anyway, he told me I look good and grabbed his pan and we talked for a minute and he left. He was here all of three minutes. He had to drive 30 miles round trip out of his way to get that pan. I don't understand him. I know that I should be over him and get on with my life but I do still love him with all my heart! He said hi to the kids and bye to the kids and that was it. They are doing ok. At least they seem to be. My youngest wanted to know if he came to get more of his stuff. Well, to be honest, I don't let him take much. Not yet. Not until our divorce is final. Then he can take things. I do need your prayers, me and my boys need your prayers! I don't want this divorce but I am doing it because I feel like I have no other choice. I was rushing into it but then a good friend of mine told me not to hurry it. She said what is the bad that would come out of not rushing it. I guess it made sense to me. I wanted so badly to ask my husband if he ever wanted to come back home or thinks about coming back home. But, I decided that would be painful if he said no. Dear God in Heaven, what happened to my husband? He used to be such an incredibly loving husband and a good dad. I am so heart broken tonight! I hadn't seen him for 9 days straight and I was doing really well. Then he showed up yesterday, then tonight and then he said he is coming on Saturday to see the boys. Three times in one week is just too much I think! My friend who told me not to rush into the divorce is praying for my husband also. I don't want to get my hopes up because that hurts too much. The thing is, I know he still loves me. He loved me too much to not love me anymore. He is just lost. Please do pray for him that God will find a way into his life and help him to see that he can come back and that he belongs here. I am just going to try and work at letting go. I bought a book about this sort of thing. I think I need to start reading it again this evening. I will pray for you too Kevin! I will pray that your wife will find it in her heart to keep you as her husband and to learn to trust and have faith in you again. I will pray that your oldest daughter will get past her anger towards you. I think eventually that will come. I forget what it is like to be a child sometimes. I cannot imagine how they are feeling! I pray that your family will find peace and happiness again! So many of us wish our spouses were in the place that you are now! How long did it take for you to realize you needed to be with your family? I think it is wonderful that you are posting here! It truly is! It is interesting to see your perspective on things! It sort of helps me to understand my h better!<P>Well, thanks again for you prayers and I will pray for your family also! Take care!<P>~Woozy

Woozy,<P>Take strength in knowing that God answers prayers, and there is nothing that he can not do. I was listening to Dr James Dobson yesterday while I was driving, and the speaker on his show was great at explaining how our faith must work, and that God is so omnipotent. He talked about a man having a conversation with God, and he was asking God how he could hear everyone's prayers and thoughts and keep from getting confused, and God answered "I believe that you have me confused with you". Meaning, that we as humans are confused and unfocused beings, and can not fathom God's clarity of thought.<P>My christian counselor keeps telling me to step back and let God work in my W to help her with her healing and forgiveness and just support her with what ever needs she asks of me. I can not take away what I have done, and must have patience in God's plan. In turn I must use my time to work on my self. <P>So what do I do? This is what I do to order my life: Prayer, I had completely stopped praying, and was just going through the motions of going to church and praying when it called for a response in the bulletin. During my affair and depression, I would cry out to God to save me from my misery. So self centered. Now I pray for God to work his will in my life, for my W, for my children, for people on this board, for people in my work place, for friends and family. I pray several times a day. I read and study the bible now, and find much peace and inspiration with that. Just another thing that I had left behind in my "busy" life. I go to a men's bible study, meet regularly with my christian counselor, my prayer partner, and my minister. I don't listen to "Bob and Tom" (radio show) anymore, instead listen to christian radio. The music and the witnessing on there, help me with my focus, and again, it just reminds me of God's power, because there are many people who witness on there whose stories are just like many of ours. People who have faltered, and found their way back to the light, and marriages and families that had been devastated by this, only to come back stronger than before, through Christ's salvation. I also witness to people on this board, and in my work place. Some people now think I'm kind of weird, but those who are christian, give me support and praise for recommitting myself.<P>I read somewhere, that if you wanted to beat depression, and get rid of many of your worries about your own life, help others who are in trouble, and your troubles seem to go away, at least in your mind. It does work for me.<P>Woozy, You asked me how long it took me to come to a realization that I needed to be with my family? If you know Lor's and my story, you know that I had tried several times for close to 2 years, but always failed. I am a very controlling person, and thought that I could control myself. Wrong! I can only do this with Jesus in my heart, and God directing my path. <P>Woozy, I pray that God directs your H's path back to you and your children.<P>Take care, Kevin