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#364640 02/28/00 11:58 AM
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We are approaching 5 months since discovery....

my question is simply, at what point in recovery did any of you start noticing the 'anger' (rational and irrational) aspect of the process rearing its head????

and how did you and spouse deal with it???

I realize everyone and every situation is different....but ANY input or sharing of stories would be welcome...

Dylan


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It will be 5 months tomorrow when the life I knew turned completely upside down.

My H is home now, probably just not for long, but we were talking yesterday about things that I did that made us not as close. It was funny as I watched him talk about the house being dirty all the time, his face changed. He is still very angry about it. He forgets we ran a home base mail order and craft business and craft supplies was everywhere.

He said food was everywhere and he was sure the health inspector would come by and take the kids. Now I am sorry the house was never that bad. Besides we both worked at home he could have helpled clean house too.

It is like everything is exagerated to make them feel better for what they did.

I told him until he got over being angry with me over the things that happened then how could he start to love me again. I also told him he is not seeing the positive changes that I have made also. The house is CLEAN and I am starting to work part time.

My therapist says I am holding in a lot of angry toward my H and if he comes home for good in 6 months I will explode. I am just trying to plan A and keep my chin up.

You asked about anger, and yes I am angry. I have been trying to release it in a non threatening way. I slam doors over over again. (when no one is here) I have a picture of my H that i stick scissors through. (buy the way it is a picture the O/W took of him at work) I have cut the eyes out and the tip of his nose in this picture. I Have decided that I might start cutting pieces of the picture off everytime he hurts me and when the picture is gone so is he. That would be my messuring meter.

I really think we need to vent and let our anger out. Our marriages are uncontrolable, in a way, and it is fustrateing. Our marriage depends on them too.

I wish the card fairy would come up with a fairy wand and make all of our marriages back into true love marriages again..........

I just keep trying my hardest to make it work.

I do not know if this has helped.


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Hey, we could really use some help here... and I say we because this is tough on me too. Mostly because I can't shake this feeling of doom that I have regarding our marriage.

Dylan has been 'weird' lately, I'm not sure how to describe it except that it feels like her love bank is closed for business. I can't seem to make any deposits no matter what I do. I, more than anyone know how devastating this EMA was to her, and frankly thought that after discovery marriage would have been over. At the time that would have been just fine by me... meanwhile though, I've grown and become wiser and discovered, or rather REdiscovered that there isn't another woman on this whole planet that I'd rather be with and if she left... I can barely think about it.

Idiot OW sent an instant message about a week ago or so and ever since then it's been like discovery day was just a few weeks ago. I understand that it was a reminder and can accept that some of the feelings would flare up again, but I gotta admit I'm really really scared.

For all those who have been here a while, are there predictable 'phases' that a recovering marriage goes through? Is this something to be expected and dealt with or is the end of our marriage drawing nigh?

Yeeeeeaaaaaaaraarrrrrrrggggggggg....

deut


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Hi Duet,

I guess I can say that I am not in the anger boat any more. I am more in the depressed stage. Not sure if that helps you..maybe it will since I am past the anger stage.

I think your wife is starting to have to relive it all over again. I know for me that when I lived through affair group number one. Tony said he told me the entire truth. The problem is he lied. I found out and it made it harder to get over group number one. Everytime I had to start the affair process over again the angrier and harder it was to work through it.

I am not sure why the OW should be able to IM you. Get rid of that account. Change Internet Providers if you have. To prove to your wife that you mean business. Please understand I am in no way trying to slam you. I aplaud your attempts.

I am just giving you the betrayed response. You have to understand you have zero trust. So even if the OW IM was not sought out and you tell your wife. She will not believe you. No matter what you do. See with the affair you were able to lie to your wife millions of times with no regard to her feelings. Now she sees you that of way. Understand?

My advice listen to your wife. Do not try and interupt when she is speaking. Let her tell you off if she needs to. Let her feel and process her emotions. Get rid of the program off your computer. Letting the OW in your wife's life now is no excuse. Try not to explain or place blame else-where. I know you are afraid your wife will leave you but allow her to feel her feelings and give her time. Do not pressure her.

I hope this helps. This is what I would love to see Tony do for me. Hang in there. Good luck.

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The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. - Blaise Pascal


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Soullous,

I hope that I can help, and I can certainly identify with you, because I have many of the same feelings.

The sense of doom and the fear that you are feeling are tools used by the evil one to be used against you and your S, and to break up your marriage. God does not want you to be afraid, for he loves you and your marriage, and wants nothing but your marriage to be a success, but thru him.

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"I can't seem to make any deposits no matter what I do. I, more than anyone know how devastating this EMA was to her, and frankly thought that after discovery marriage would have been over. At the time that would have been just fine by me... meanwhile though, I've grown and become wiser and discovered, or rather REdiscovered that there isn't another woman on this whole planet that I'd rather be with and if she left... I can barely think about it."

----------------------------------------

I too can not make any deposits into Lor's LB no matter how I try. In fact it really makes her upset for me to attempt it, right now(see my story). I too let fear sneak into my thoughts and they do drive you insane, but they will only cause you to do foolish things, because they are put there by a deceiver. When the fear of losing the most precious things in my life (my wife, and my children) sets in, I say a prayer or read a passage, or have now started to call a friend to pray with me. This always helps to calm my spirit and refocus my attention on the Lord.

Before I can repair and have a relationship with my wife and children, I have to work on my relationship with God, for only thru him, will the other things that I desire, come to pass. I was listening to the radio this morning, and someone on there said, that if you have spiritual success, that will lead you to success in everything else.

My christian counselor has said to me to get out of God's way, and let him work on the pain, the anger, and the fear in my W, and I need to work on my fear, and guilt, and jealousy, and pain, and regret that I have. So I take it to the Lord every day.

I had said to a friend the other day that my goal was to get my wife and children back and be a great husband and father. He talked to me about "goals" vs "desires". He asked me if I had any control over getting those things back. His point was that our goals should be things that we have control over. I have control over myself (thru God's hands), but I can not control the love of my W and kids. Those should be and are my desires for my life. My goal is to know and love God and to let him work in my life.

You can't control your S's pain and anger, but you can control your fear.

"The lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afaid; do not be discouraged." DT 31:8

Hang in there soulloss. one day at a time.


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edited by claudia103

[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]


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thank you for your responses...

you too, Deut....although I honestly did not expect to see one from you.....

I feel I need to clarify one point.....the OW messengered me.....not Deut...

she has left him alone....completely....she now finds pleasure only in tormenting me.....

and her message was one of "oh poor hurt me...why did you send that no contact letter?...i'm the hurt innocent party"....

I deleted the message and blocked her....the problem is that she opens up new e-mails under new identities and does a 'people find' on the internet to find me...she has now used 6 different names or identities, and I have switched mine about 8 times....we cannot change providers as only one company provides cable modem access here...

but in truth, the message from her angered me, but only because she did the same thing just before x-mas, and now, just before my birthday....exactly 2 months after the no-contact letter was sent to her....

but my initial post above is truly about my internal, blaming anger.....not at her...not regarding her message...I think Deut just added that as he feels it was a trigger...and he may be right....

I read a post by Williamj and he said that he has felt lately as if it is discovery week all over again...and I told Deut..."YES!!!...I don't know why, but that is EXACTLY how I have been feeling too"...

also, Deut accuses me of being too nice and rational after discovery....he thinks I have put the normal, initial anger and rage on hold....he may be right...

but then again, that is why I'm asking for help from all of you, my friends, on this subject...

he has given me NO reason not to trust him ..I don't want any of you to misread any of this...the post is about MY anger and he watches it festering in me and worries that I am leaving him...

truth be told....deep breath....I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING .....it's like that song by the clash....should I stay or should I go?

he just now, standing here as I type this, said to me:

"I don't want you to leave me..I love you and want you and need you in my life"....

all I want to do is hide and cry....

should I not be past this at 5 months????????

I keep bursting into tears....well, I make sure he is not around to see it, but I keep waiting to feel better...we have so much to contend with, it's as if I keep telling myself that I just don't have time to deal with the pain from his affair...we have a custody case to deal with, his violent ex, jobs, pressure...too much....more important things....my feelings must take a back seat to the really important things, right????....his son's welfare is so much more important and I feel extra guilty because of my selfish hurt and pain and feeling of desperately wanting to run away....

but the anger in me is the issue....I look at the love of my life, and I am enraged.....he'll do something for me, but it's not enough....he won't inform me of his plans, and I'm packing my stuff in my head...

what the heck is going on with me....

is this normal???

I am angry. very angry...and I thought I would be past this at this point....

Dylan....
confused and upset...and NO...IT IS NOT PMS!!!!


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Dylan...

You've got mail.

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Love and Prayers
Nicole :)


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Partial disclosure Dec.99

I was in a pre-disclosure plan A from May to October, then I went back to anger, frustration, lovebusting, etc.

Partial disclosure Dec.99 - and the affair was back in 96. I suspected all along. The anger was so bad by the time I got to MB. My plan A helped me "shelve" my anger. I focused on the solution.

By October there were added dynamics with further betrayal - but not the infidelity type of betrayal, but rather problems with step children.

I have been praying for my marriage, and really praying for honesty. The constant lying about the affair, and habit of lying he had adopted about the stupidest things had really started to get to me.

In Dec. he partially disclosed. The anger and depression flip flopped back and forth until Christmas Eve, which was the last time that I cried. I lost about 20 lbs in 1 month after disclosure.

I guess, the anger started subsiding about January. I guess I began to hit withdrawal, and I was leaving the conflict stage.

I am still praying about my marriage, but I am still in withdrawal. The anger is pretty much gone.

TNT


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Hi D & D,

I try to keep up with the stories on the board but rarely post. It is encouraging to see BOTH of you posting and BOTH of you TOGETHER. There is light at the end of the tunnel as long as you BOTH continue to practice your budding skills at meeting each other's needs. Concerning reoccurring anger.. It will happen. I am at 1year-two weeks post discovery and still have anger flair ups upon occasion. I still have lingering fears that there is phone contact behind my back. Particularily when my H is gone on a trip. These episodes are more and more infrequent and are as often as not triggered by my imagination. The cool part is what can be imagined, can be unimagined. There are two ways to handle these episodes that I have found useful. One is self-talk. The other is with "non-threating" communication. Robert Abell in his book "Relationship Toolbox" alludes to both of these techniques. He says, "There are only two things in life that have the potential to make us angry; being hurt and being threatened." Knowing that your partner "cheated" both hurts and threatens. To revisit over and over in your mind the reality of the "cheating" reawakens the hurt and the threat. It will take longer than 5 months to stop revisiting the place of your pain. I think Harley says it takes at least as long as the affair itself lasted. I go further to suggest that is takes at least as long as your marriage was troubled before the affair.

The fact that you two are together now, trying to rebuild to a complete renewal of your relationship speaks volumns, but it will take a lot of hard work and practice of NEW communication skills to work through the residual pain and fear. Abel reccommends the use of "I" statements such as "I feel hurt because.... or I feel threated when..." He goes so far to say that it is helpful to have the offending party hear your statement, but IS NOT Necessary! Just putting your pain, fear, etc into words, outloud helps to dissipate the anger! Carrying this idea a little further... In Harville Hendrix's book "Getting the Love You Want" he outlines a technique in which the offending partner creates a zone of safety in which the offended partner is allowed to express angey feelings without having the offending partner counter them, invalidate them or argue the cause. It is essentially a mirroring exercise in which one parter "vents" and the other supports and validates. To be the sounding board is sometimes difficult, but I have found it usefull when dealing with my anger as well as that of my husbands. There are a lot of other good ideas in both books, useful for any relationship growth, not just in affair recovery.

So, in conclusion, expect set-backs, triggers, reacurrent pain, fear and anger. But also expect and reach for memories that trigger affection, excitement, love and admiration. Look for what you want to find, not what you fear. When negative thoughts and feelings invade know that you can combat them either together or alone. You have the power to CHOOSE. That is what free will is all about. Continue communicating, continue reading and never ever stop showing the love you have for one another. It is still there and is MORE important than anything else. It is the ultimate.

Hope this does not sound like a bunch of mumbojumbo! Good Luck!

Beth

Oh, one other thing. About continuing to grow and practice communication skills, etc. My husband is not a reader and would never spend time learning "relationship skills" from a book. He also would never, ever consent to going to a counselor. Being a big supporter of many of the ideas Ellen Kriedman suggested in her book "The Ten Second Kiss" I ordered, at considerable expense I might add, the audio series "Light Her Fire" for my H to listen to when he drives to work and "Light His Fire" for myself. I have listened to three of my tapes and hear over and over again many of the ideas for better relationship skills that so many other authors also touch upon. In other words, the tapes, for me, are reinforcers of changes in my communication behaviors. Since my H has NEVER "studied" other people's ideas of how to improve relationships (he has been pretty stubborn about depending on his "own" perceptions in such matters)it is a miricle that he has even agreed to listen to the tapes. But initial reports and reviews from him have been encouraging. He has listened only to the first one, but already has made several comments related to points made on the tape. He never would have accepted the same words coming from me, cos some of those points I have tried to make to him!!!

(Sales pitch next)
If you think you might want to try reading or listening to any of Ellen Kriedman's stuff, go through my web site to get them. I have an affiliate link there and would get some kind of credit. It's new, as is my site.
Geocities/Heartland/Flats/8763/index.html

Shoot, visit my site even if you don't want any of Ellen's stuff. Would love feed back as that is where I have been spending all my "writing" time lately.

Pilot's wife


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Dylan-

Hang in there girl! It has been more than eight months since discovery here-and I am still really angry. In fact-my therapist tol;d me last week I seem to be "stuck". She suggested this because I told her I still spend most of my time thinking about what happened, trying to figure it out, wondering what the OP is saying behind our backs, so on and so forth. I told her I can't seem to come to grips with the fact that poeple don't even care about how they treat another human being. That i can't understand anyone being so careless with a friendship. Of course I realize we are all unique in our own way-but why do so many people just crap on someone? Anyhow............shall I confess that she made me so angry I will NOT be going back to therapy?

I am guessing that you feel somewhat as I do. How can I trust again? I am afraid to trust for fear of being hurt all over again-at some point maybe wayyyyyyyyyy down the road. All of us will agree this is something none of us ever want to have to experience again.

Anger is a phase that we all must go through to get through the betrayal. It can last a very long time-and I will guess it will last longer for those of us who are more afraid of NOT being angry and being side swiped again.

I will say I think you and Deut are going to make it through all this. You have come to far. And the road is looking a bit rough soon but you both have what it takes to make it work-LOVE.

Hang in there-it can't get worse.


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Hey Dylan!

Five months for us too. In fact the "anniversary" date was yesterday. I now hate the 27th of every month. Thank goodness neither of our children have a birthday on that date!

I don't think that anything about this whole situation is normal, but I do think what you are going through is usual in situations like ours. You and Deut are together, but not totally. Plus you have all these other pressures and problems to deal with.

Firestorm and I are together, but not totally yet. Other than this horrible mess, we are relatively problem free. Sometimes when I visit this site, I hesitate to comment because I can almost hear a hundred voices saying "At least your husband is still with you and not with the OW. What are you complaining about?"

But you and I both know that being together is not a cure for this pain. Five months of a perfect "treatment" could not cure this disease! And I don't know about Deut, but Firestorm is not perfect in his recovery assistance!

For the most part the anger has subsided, but it still pounces on me occasionally (last Friday night was not pleasant). I think I am over being angry for the affair, but I get angry that he is not doing enough to make up for it and help me to get better. I have periods of time when I feel hopeful and optomistic, and times when I feel hopeless and pessimistic. There are days when I feel so much love for him I am overwhelmed with it, and days when I look at him and wonder how I could possibly love someone who did this to me. I really think it is all part of the process. Dr. Harley says that it takes at least two years to recover from infidelity, so we both have a ways to go yet.

Soon after my D-Day, a close friend and I were talking about this mess. He looked at me and said, "I can tell you are really unhappy right now, but I want you to answer a question honestly. Would you be any happier without him? Because you can't change what he did, the only thing you can change is you. If the two of you separate, are you going to be happier without him? Will it ease your pain for the two of you to be apart?"

It really helped me to think of things that way- my pain will be here until it fades away, whether I am alone or with the man I love. I'd rather have him to comfort me than not.

The therapist that we went to asked me if I was ready to throw away our relationship for a mistake that entered our life for one very brief period of time. He also told me that now I had total control of our relationship, and to use that control wisely.

This is much longer than I intended, but to sort of sum it up- NO, five months is not enough time for you to be over this. YES, what you are feeling happens to everyone else in this same crappy situation. YES, things will get better.

By the way, I find the recovery forum tremendously helpful. Right now there are some posts by cossie and HGBrawner that are fabulous. Read them and let me know what you think.

Best wishes to both of you,

Peppermint


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Quick answer.

4 1/2 months...complete nutty fruitcake (didn't have the luxury of acting like it). Hit anger for a while maybe about 3 months.

Daily, hourly pain until about 10 months. Suddenly it ended for no good reason.

Still a bad thought or occasional bad day, but much much better.

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soulloss,

I have to agree that the first year was the hardest. After the end of my H's long term affair I was a total nutcase, alternating between Plan A'ing him to death to being a definite witch, sometimes in the same day or same hour.

After things began to somewhat level out, about 7-9 months, I still had many days of anger and feelings of revenge. I was getting better at controling and/or hiding these urges but they were there, nonetheless. I couldn't seem to help it and would actually hate myself when I allowed them to surface. I knew when I was feeling low or anxious and just seemed to wait for my H to say just one wrong word or one comment that I could act on. And did I act??!!!! You betcha!!!

Then the one year "anniversary" came up. All kinds of memories, of reliving the past. We made a special effort to do something different, just for us, on these particular days and made it through that period.

Makes it sound like one year of total H**l, huh? Not really. It had it's moments, times I'd rather forget. But there were many good times too,,much loving, reconnecting, new memories, a new closeness, communication, a strong bond. A new apprecation for one another.

All this for a H that completely ended his affair upon discovery, that has kept his promises to never again call or see the OW, that has worked hard with me to rebuild, that is good to me, kind, says all the things I need to hear.

He was afraid, when he ended the affair, that I'd never be able to forgive, that I'd constantly throw it in his face for the rest of our lives, that I wouldn't be able to get past the hurt and anger. I couldn't promise him anything. I didn't know either. As much as he wanted another chance with our marriage and he wanted to rebuild, he was afraid we might not be able to withstand the past.

We are making it. It was 2 years in Jan. We are doing soooo much better. I am constantly amazed. Please, hang in there. It does get better,,,I promise!!!!!!!!!!!!


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HI Dylan.
I know the anger and the "hell revisited" with any small trigger.
I believe that it's not much a matter of time passed since discovery, but something else a bit more positive.
You see, after discovery there's mostly shock, pain, and the adrenaline rushing. Then we decide on what we want to do and use all our energy into it.Anger is many times suppressed or just ignored, there's so much to do!
We work hard on this rebuilding thing, mmeting needs, depositing love units, doing our best to fix whatever was not that perfect in our marriage before the affair. Yes, we might feel angry here and there, but mostly we just push it away.
As the relationship improves and rebuilding is well on the way, we finally have some time to rest a bit, the adrenaline rush is gone, things are looking so much better... it's then that all that repressed anger comes back.
Is that bad? not necessarily, we do have a right to feel angry, and we do need to recognise not only the anger but the right to feel it. What might be negative is the way we react to it.
AS long as both we and our spouse understand this process, we can work with it, instead of against it.AS time passes and we keep feeling secure and confident of our relationship, this too will disapear.
AS for triggers, I'm afraid that those are more difficult to kiss goodbye.Actualy I'm afraid I'm starting to think that, even though in a "milder" way, they will always be there. HOwever, again recognising it is the key to not let it be negative.
A triger doesn't have to hurt or create a problem, if we think about it as a reminder.A reminder not of the affair, but of what might happen in any relationship. A reminder to keep working on our marriage everyday, instead of only in situations of crisis.At least that's the way I'm dealing with it, and it certainly seems to be working.
AM I making sense or am I so tired I'm just babling?
Better go to sleep, H's aunt went to the hospital last nightand I didn't have a chance to sleep at all.
HUgs to you
Kat

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Hey Dylan,

I saw your response to RHawkins. I know that you are not where you want to be yet, neither am I. But it seems that you have a much better handle on the pain than you did only three months ago. By the way, cossie's posts are on the Just Discovered part of the forum and offer a real insight into why men make the affair choice. Interesting reading!

I'll be watching for your thoughts!

Peppermint

[This message has been edited by peppermint (edited February 29, 2000).]


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hey guys!!!!!

thanks.

so i am not totally abnormal, that's good.

I did not expect to be over the pain of infidelity at 5 months, but I did not expect to wake up one morning and find myself so angry...I guess I expected that the anger had dissipated....

it's hard to watch Deut confused suddenly...he too, perhaps thought that recovering would be easier than it is...I mean, hey! this poor guy wakes up one morning and finds that I am not the same person that I was the day before....

the OW messengering me was not the trigger...the rising anger had started before..all her contact did was momentarily p!ss me off.....

Beth, it is so good to see you again....you might not remember, but you responded to my first posts here in November....and yes, I went to your site....hey! you're a babe!!!!...and I am sending Deut to it as well...what a great site to have up for people to see and read...thank you for your words of wisdom.....I realize it will take time not to re-visit my 'places of pain', I guess that I want the quick fix....the normal life with h back....I don't want him tosuffer either.....and my pain produces pain and anger in him too....but as you said, my anger comes from feeling hurt, his anger comes from feeling threatened...


Peppermint....how come you are always so on the mark?!?!?...LOL....I agree about us being together but not totally...and am glad that you and firestorm are at the same place....gives me an insight into the relationship dynamic....we are not freaks!!!...LOL

FHL.....short, sweet and to the point....10 months huh?!?...ok, I understand about fruitcake.....I feel like the kind that has to be marinated for a few years!!

I suspect that I have inadvertantly pushed much of my true emotions unde the rug as we try to deal with everything else...

I spoke to Deut last night and said that alot of my anger probably stems from the fact that the situation with the ex has once again overshadowed his affair as well as my pain and emotion....

and that has been the pattern for 5 years....there are examples I could give, but suffice it to say that her melodrama and her problems always occur whenever we are having problems or happy, special moments...

eg: I give birth, she comes over crying and hysterical over her 4th abortion....birthdays are ruined when she calls to cry and vent about her latest BF cheating on her, or her suicide attempts, or another abortion, or her poverty,....we move far away, are not as 'available' to listen to her venting, and she suddenly has H arrested for verbal abuse....ok, so I guess I gave examples....

the point I suppose, is that I selfishly feel like I am holding on to a lower rung on the proverbial ladder of importance....

that once again, Dylan trying to get thru the mess of Deut's unfaithfulness and the emotions involved MUST take a backseat to more important matters...

same old circumstances, same old whining from me....

this is about me......for once I am trying to focus on ME...what I feel, what I am going thru...I help Deut, I help his son, I even help the ex....I even helped the OW deal with her pain....

I just want something for once to be about ME....


Dylan


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Kat...
I always look forward to your posts!!!...I think you have a great point too....we spend the first months frantic to fix, to heal, to 'get it back together', and then, when we breathe, relax for a few moments, the pain and everything else rushes back in....we have, to some extent, pushed it away in order not to LB, or to push the spouse away again....and we get comfortable...

and again, to you, peppermint....man, you had me BAWLING MY EYES OUT.......

I thought about the question your friend asked you....would I be happier without him around....I could not answer right away, girlfried....so much of my resentment and anger that are focused on him right now stems from the chaos that has been introduced into my life directly from him and his baggage....for example when OW messengered me the other night...I told him that it was not his fault, I was not angry at him for her contacting me, but I was angry because all the psychotic people that are in my life all come from contact with HIM!!!....my insensitive direct quote was:

"every psycho in my life comes from you...are there any more nuts I should know about?"


as for cossie's posts..I have read them, and again, feel I am lucky...I DO know why Deut did what he did...it is actually simple....I did not meet his most important needs...I have to deal with that as well..my own responsibility in the destruction of our marriage....I have faced this, and part of my anger at myself is based on this....I see my anger now as a block to meeting those needs...

Dylan


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nerlycrazy,

haven't seen you in ages!!!!

as for this:,

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
He was afraid, when he ended the affair, that I'd never be able to forgive, that I'd
constantly throw it in his face for the rest of our lives, that I wouldn't be able to get
past the hurt and anger. I couldn't promise him anything. I didn't know either. As much
as he wanted another chance with our marriage and he wanted to rebuild, he was afraid
we might not be able to withstand the past.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\


you hit Deut's fears right on....maybe you H should e-mail Deut....

and I can't promise anything either....I can do the best I can, but Deut is positive that every time I get emotional over his affair, that I am thinking of leaving him.....and he shuts down.....which to tell the truth, ups my guilt, and then makes me feel as if he is nt there for me, and I should perhaps leave...

talk about 2 dogs chasing their tails!!!


Fallen Angel.....you are new here aren't you???

well, welcome.....

it sounds wierd, but due to my H's infidelity, I have made some of the best friends I have EVER had at this site...some don't even post here anymore...but we keep in touch....may you find the same thing here...

I spent the first month and a half after discovery sitting on the couch, not moving...then, I found this place, and life for me, resumed....this is such a healing place...

thank you for your words...and try to remember....what has happened is in the past...move forward any way you can...I know, easier said than done....but truly....why focus only on the aspects of it that you know will drive you crazy....unless that is what you want it to do to you....hasn't their betrayal done enough???

your friend has no respect for friendship...consider her dead...grieve for her, then bury it.....

and find a new therapist.....LOL...


as for Pahakissa, well, I'll lend you the 2x4 I lend to Nicoel for Arik....LOl...maybe it will have more effect on Tony....but thank you too.....


it helps sometimes to share all this crap...

that IS why I come here..to share, and to give...


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Hon, I can sure understand your feelings. I want you to know that although I have no control over the ex's actions, I do have control over how I deal with them... They do not have to overshadow our lives or time together... You are definately top rung in my life... and I'm going to try to learn how to prove it to you day by day...

I guess maybe it's my turn at plan A.

Most of the time I'm not shutting down, I'm trying to give you you're space, or trying to sort out my emotional reaction to something I don't always understand, or (most of the time) just not sure what the heck to do...

What I do know though, is this... I hurt you pretty dam bad . You have every right to be angry.

You said,I DO know why Deut did what he did...it is actually simple....I did not meet his most important needs...I have to deal with that as well..my own responsibility in the destruction of our marriage....I have faced this, and part of my anger at myself is based on this....I see my anger now as a block to meeting those needs...

I'm afraid I have to disagree with you here. I made a wrong decision in breaking my vows. I made the decision. Faced with an unhappy marriage, and many other courses of action available, I made, in fact, about the worst decision possible.

As for the destruction of our marriage, that remains to be seen. Neither of us has quit yet, despite anything and everthing that has happened so far. Come pretty dang close, mind you... but so far we are bloodied but unbowed.

Furthermore, if we actually ever get around to writing that POJA, I would 'enthusiastically agree' to allow you to be as angry as you feel for a time not exceeding that which you feel is neccesariy for you to work through this, without begrudging that there may be a temporary lull or erratic-ness in the meeting of some of my emotional needs. Because in the end, my most basic and number one emotional need is your presence.

When I understand what is going on, it's easier for me to deal with it. So communication would be a good thing to keep up. Tonight, when you came to me and whispered in my ear that you weren't specifically angry with me over anything I'd done recently, just stressed in general, did that ever change my 'state' for the better. So thanks for mentioning it.

Deut

[This message has been edited by Soulloss' exH (edited February 29, 2000).]


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