Ifm a new member, so please forgive me for not knowing what to do or venting. I don't know under what heading I'm supposed to put this under so I'm going to put it under General, Just found out, and Recovering. <P>The Story: <BR>September 04, 99cI found out that my W had an affair with her co-worker(s), two Dr.fs in her dept. One that night and a different dr. three months earlier. <BR>Yet another guy three months later while we were separated<BR>(this I just found out, thatfs why Ifm here begging for helpcnow) <P>Ifll never forget the day I found out (9/4) as long as I live. I call it D-day. I was working the night before and hadnft gotten a call from my W like usual. So I called home, no one answered all night. All I knew was that she was taking our 3 y.o. child to the park when I left for work that day. Little did I know that she was taking my child to her loverfs home. <P>This affair was going on behind my back for about a month. My W is making it sound like I should feel grateful that she only had intercourse twice that nightconly? WHAT? <P>The OM emails me a 6-page report in detail on how the affair aspired and the going ONfs that night, physically. I confronted this guy at his home that day. All I could think about was killing this unethical dr., but I didnft I didnft even lay a hand on him. I didnft want to loose my son over this @!#$ole. He knew my W was married and had a 3 y.o. child yet they had sexual contact in front of him. <P>The Result:<BR>My W and I have separated for about four months because I had physically assaulted her after this incident. I donft make any excuses for this; I live in regret everyday knowing that I had physically hurt someone I adored. I have never in my life hit anyone, not even another man. That month I dropped 50lbs; was taken to the ER because I collapsed out of dehydration; was admitted to the hospital under a psyche-hold. Was forced to quit Med.-school. I had a nervous break down. <P>Ifm from Japan, so you can imagine the dishonor, humiliation, and familtorial pressures.<BR>Ifm not saying Asians donft have these problems, Ifm just saying in my family itfs unheard of. Youfre typical samurai death before dishonor mentality. <P>Now: <BR>After 50 hours of expensive counseling, session after session of hypnotherapy, a new religion, meditation, acupuncture, herbal medication, Zoloft and other psychosomatic drugs, selling everything I own and moving to a new area, using up all my savings, loosing old friends and not making new ones, spending more than $15k to find her and going there to ask her back (from her hiding in a foreign country other than my own)<P>My W is now back with my son and me.<P>The Problem:<BR>Itfs only been a month since my W came back and already I see problems.<BR>I canft seem to forget. I just keep bringing up the past constantly. Probing, asking all kinds of questions. Ifm still mad as hell for the betrayal, the loss of innocence in our relationship. <P>Even she would tell you, we had the best possible relationship anyone could ask for. We were best of friends first, we had open lines of communication, and we could talk about any thing. We always did things together. So when I ask whycshe doesnft know. She thinks itfs because she didnft feel pretty enough, she was a model for godfs sakecshefs beautiful. I donft get it!!<BR>She even went as far as telling the OM she was planning to leave me and wanted his baby, wanted to marry him, that she loved him. Yet shefs adamant about that she was lying to him. She doesnft to this day know why she said all those things, is she lying? Ifm just in utter shock. I donft know what to make of all this. And I just found out while she was in hiding she had yet another guy, she says she did that to find out about herself. To prove to herself if she is really that awful or just how bad she really is. I donft get it?<P>The Questions:<BR>My wife has given me cart blanch to whom ever & how many I choose to have an affair with.<BR>Will this let my feelings recover?<BR>Will this stop the anger?<BR>Will getting even make everything ok?<BR>If someone has this experience please let me know.<BR>What should I do?<BR>

Sleeping with others my be a temporary "feel better" plan, but it doesn't last. All of the anger and resentment does not go away just like that. It takes two partners to work through it together. Your W sounded like the typical betrayer, living in fantasy land, which is easier than dealing with her issues within the marriage, instead they turn to someone else. The fact that your wife gives you permission to sleep around, thinking that that will solve everything or make things better, worries me. She sounds extremely immature emotionly and it sounds like she needs DEEP therapy herself. She is never going to find out why she acts out like she does by having you sleep with someone else and that is not going to help you deal with the pain. Time is a great healer and BELIEVE me it won't happen overnight, it may take months and years and you never forget but you can forgive, ONLY IF your wife is willing to work on HER MARRIAGE AND HERSELF! She definitely needs counseling too.

I am new to this too, but I can truly relate to the pain you are in now. You will find many others in this forum who have been or are in the same place. <P>You will find a lot of good advice here and like I said I am new so others will be along to give better advice than me.<P>As you read our stories here you will find that your wife is most likely telling the truth. She doesn't know why! and that they were lies to him!!! It was a fantasy or an addiction, but not something to take lightly.<P>I think reading the wonderful marraige builders books, particularly Surviving an Affair, Love Busters and His needs Her needs is a great place to start. <P>Counseling sessions of any kind, (but particularly with S.Harley) will also be help. <P>Visit this board often for advise. We all feel your pain. I know how hard this is for you. Many people here will come to your aid and offer much wisdom. A good quote that I remember is "Seek first to understand, then be understood" Take care of yourself physically as well as mentally. I'll look for your posts. You and your wife will be in my prayers.

For years, my wife had told me that any time I needed to I was free to have sex with other women. She said it was just a simple act and that she knew that I would come home when it was over and that a simple fling would not take me away from her. This is not an opinion I am trying to foster, but I am using her justifications on my next point.<P>Her affair was with a mutual friend that grew to be her best friend. This affair later turned sexual. When she began calling Him her best friend was when I lost her to the affair. She would confide in him, call him with happy news, write e-mail to him about what the kids are doing in school and other things that apeare benign. I should have seen it was a problem when she called him first with news, or ask his opinion on where to go on vaction. I had lost my wife long before they had sex. The point is, she was correct in a strange way; sex is just sex, your wife is not risking loosing you to another woman. It will not help to accept her offer. Let her know that what you want is not animal gratification but intimacy.

Welcome <B>Dr.SadMad</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome post I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>For some clarity... a short time ago the "main" forum was divided into 4 separate "sub" forums...<BR>Staying in the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&forum=General+Questions&number=28&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin=" TARGET=_blank>General Questions</A> forum will give you the most responses! <P>Getting even <B>never</B> helps...<BR>I will tend to make things worse...<P>Working on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B></A>(page 87 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><B>Will help!</B><P>Read all you can here...<BR>And continue to post and ask questions!<P>Jim

Dr. SadMad,<P>(((hugs)))<P>Everyone here identifies with the pain you are in. You and your W have both made some major mistakes, but your having an affair will hardly help the situation. I can't really offer much advice except just keep trying and moving forward. It will get better eventually. Read "Surviving An Affair" and "Divorce Busting". That's the best I can do at advice at this point. Best of luck to you and your family.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

To answer your original question:<P>My H had a revenge affair, and it was the last very heavy straw in our marriage. We're getting a divorce.<P>DON'T DO IT.<P>And I am truly sorry for the pain you have endured over your W's affair...

I'll keep this as short and simple as possible: Two wrongs never make a right.

Revenge doesn't work-time and forgiveness do!<BR>Listen to the voices here...they're right.

If your looking to make up with your wife why would you want to hurt her like she has hurt you. DON'T DO IT