My husband is leaving tomorrow on a trip that will last a week. I am planning on revealing my affair to him when he returns. This is part of the letter that I have been working on...well, I've been working on it when I can actually see the computer screen through my tears...<P>Husband:<P>I have begged and pleaded with God. I've bargained with Him over and over again, yet He has continued to gently lead me to confess this to you. If there were no hope for our marriage, I don't think that God would be leading me to confess this to you:<P>I was unfaithful to you.<P>The affair was a year ago. It started out as an emotional affair and then it ended in a physical affair over one weekend. I ended the affair. I have not seen or spoken to the other person in a year. No, I do not love him -- I never loved him.<P>I'm so sorry. And, oh, how I know that sorry is not good enough. Each day since I've betrayed you, I've wanted to die. Each day I continue to choose to stay alive, but only as a punishment to myself.<P>I almost didn't reveal my affair to you. But, I couldn't live a lie anymore. I'm not telling you this information in order to clear my conscience. Believe me, I have talked to God many, many times about what it is that I've done to Him, to you and to myself. I am telling you this because I want to make things right. I want to be the wife that you deserve. <P>I know -- it's not fair for me to ask anything of you after what I've done to you. But, I will ask two things of you:<P>First, I am asking for you to please love me like Hosea loved Gomer. Please, please purchase me and make me yours again. I know that I've humiliated you and broken your heart and your spirit. I know that I don't deserve anything from you. Please forgive me and give me the chance to live the rest of my life proving my love for you.<P>The second thing I will ask of you is this: I think that it is important that we attend Christian counseling TOGETHER for at least one year. If after one year, you still hate me and can't stand the sight of me, I will leave peacefully. If you eventually choose to end our marriage, please put me away quietly.<P>The choice is up to you. I want to stay and fight for our marriage.<P>I love you. I know how empty and meaningless that sounds right now. I don't ever want to be out of your sight or out of your arms again.<P>I know that you hate me right now. I know that you don't ever want to see my face again. I understand why you feel that way.<P>I will answer ANY questions that you have and I will allow you the space to feel hurt and angry.<P>I will never lie to you about anything, big or small, again.<P>I know that you are probably wondering how you can ever trust me again. Well, you couldn't trust me before, you just didn't know it. I am willing to be your prisoner until I can earn your trust again -- no matter how long it takes.<P>I love you. I don't want our marriage to be over. I don't want to lose you. You are the love of my life. I'm so sorry that I've hurt you and devasted you. <P>Please forgive me.<P>I am so ashamed of what I've done to you. <P>Jill<BR>

Jill: I think it is a beautiful letter. There are a few things I'd suggest. If I were writing it, first, I'd start by telling him you love him, and want to fight for your marriage. Establish that before you confess. Second, I'd use the term "physical encounter" versus "physical affair"--PA makes it sound like it went on and on.<BR> I'm sure you'll get other suggestions. You will be in my prayers this week!!!<P>Kathi<P><BR>

Jill,<P>Since I am on the betrayed side, I would suggest limiting the amount of "I know how you feel" phrases. I wasn't hating my H so much as I was hurt, angry and confused. I haven't ever really "hated" him. I had more hatred for the OW. Maybe there is something wrong or different about me. I DID hate the situation. Just a suggestion. The letter is very good. I wish you the best. I hope everything works out and your H will want to move forward with you.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

I know you are feeling overwhelmed with guilt. I told my ex similar things when I confessed. However, as hard as it may be for you to understand or feel about yourself right now, you are a worthwhile human being. Making this bad choice does not negate all of the good things you have done in your marriage. Hopefully your H will see that. <P>I see alot of self-destructive things in this letter. Although you may be feeling that way, I'd strongly encourage you to rethink this. Stuff like "I am willing to be your prisoner until I can earn your trust again -- no matter how long it takes." You don't deserve to be anyone's prisoner for the rest of your life. I understand repentance, guilt, and a desire to make amends. NONE of those things require that you allow yourself to be mistreated, under any circumstances. <P>"I know that I don't deserve anything from you." I think you deserve to be treated like a human being, with some measure of respect and kindness. Again, don't flush your entire humanity down the drain just because you have made a bad choice.

Jill ~<P>Hugs to you. I always hesitate to post on here (other than the thread I started) because I'm not in most people's position. But I have read all of your recent posts and have just felt heart broken for you and what you are going thru. I know all to well the guilt that comes along with an affair and I'm haven't betrayed anyone other than my God and myself since I'm not the married one. <P>First I agree with what Kathi said about starting off telling him how much you love him before revealing the affair. I think it would be easier to "stomach" that way.<P>Secondly, do you KNOW he hates you and never wants to see your face again? If not, I don't think I'd presume to tell him how he feels. He may not feel that way and I think by stating that for him, you are only doing yourself a disservice. Maybe you could say "I would understand if you hated me and never wanted to see my face again" ..... again, that's if you don't know for a fact that's how he feels. <P>I did read thru your other thread about him admitting he's not happy, but I don't think that's the same as hating you. Just my thoughts!<P>Also, as supportive as this place is, I don't agree with everything posted here. I think you are right that you shouldn't have to be the only one trying! It seems many women here have no self pride, self dignity, self respect or self love.....why do women always have to be the one to roll over and play dead????? I say you go girl! (and I'm sure that'll ruffle a few feathers, but oh well!)<P>My thoughts and prayers have been and will continue to be with you.<P>Judy

One more thing Jill,<P>I do respect your decision to confess. You've put alot of thought into this, that is the only thing I suggest people to do. That way, they are much more equipped to deal with the fallout knowing that they have considered all options. Confessing is the right thing to do under many,many circumstances. But not all. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to confess. You need to give yourself credit for that.

Hi<P>Thanks for the suggestions on how to improve my confession. I mean, I guess if I'm going to confess, I might as well make the confession as perfect as possible. <P>Really, I do appreciate the compassion and advice...<P>Jill

Jill, I was catching up on your threads even though I haven't been able to log on much.<P>I agree with TS, it will not help to "eat dirt". Are you still talking to Steve?<P>H confessed to me in what I think was the best possible way. And if you read my story, there was a lot to confess - two affairs spanning 18 months, both physical.<P>He spoke first to Jennifer Harley, she got me on the phone and said he had something to tell me, that I should not make any decisions that night.<P>He told me first he really believed we could have a great marriage by following Harley's principles and that he was committed to it. Then he just told the story and answered any questions truthfully. Actually, not even an apology, he was still very much in love with the OW.<P>An apology would be good, but you should stick to the facts, stay away from the dramatics (even the Hosea stuff) but emphasize first that there is hope and you are committed to making it work.

BTW, you said letter, you are going to sit down and tell him in person??

Jill,<P>First, you are doing a very brave thing. And I know the people here will support you as best they can. <P>Second, I agree with TheStudent (Hi! TS ) you have made a serious mistake and it may have serious consequences, but you should not be punished for the rest of your life or be a prisoner to him. In fact I don't know how to really say this, you shouldn't be punished at all. You guilt and the struggle to rebuild the marriage will be more than enough penance, I would think. <BR>What you want to be: is in love with him and he with you. You want to rebuild that love and you marriage. I think your request about counseling is a very wise one and I hope he sees the wisdom in it.<P>Now most people know he may do some yelling or name calling at first. People do need to vent when hurt and mad, but there is a line and a time and beyond that you should not accept that behavior. By nice, but be firm if you think it has gone beyond your line OK?<P>Jill, it is clear from the progression of your posts and the fact that you came here in the first place, you were headed in this direction. It is a very difficult thing to face and admit to, yet I suspect you've suspected maybe even known that this was the step you needed to make for yourself and your marriage. <P>You have my most profound respect.<P>God Bless You and Your H,<P>JL<P>PS. Now that you have made that decision consider the advice given above about speaking with S. Harley again. He may be able to over some strategies to help ease this very difficult situation.<P>

<BR>Jill,<P>I disagree with TS: I think confession is always warranted. But then again, I agree with TS: Don't give your husband a license to emotional beat you forever for having an affair on him.<P>The things that I liked in your letter: the apology, the desire to earn his trust, and the willingness to answer any and all questions. IMO, showing remorse, a committment to rebuilding, and a willingness to answer all questions shows a lot of courage. My instict tells me that he'll need to hear these things.<P>Anyhow, you're doing the right thing, Jill. Living a lie in a sham marriage held no future for either of you.<P>Bystander

I am 51 years old and retired military so I like to think I know what the word brave means. And I just want to say what you are planning is one of the bravest things I have ever seen. I pray it works out for you and your husband.

Jill,<P>Your letter took my breath away. This humble apology and rededication is one of the most noble acts I have ever witnessed. <P>Your letter speaks directly to the needs and concerns he is likely to have (I say this as one who is in his position). This part gave me goosebumps...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Please forgive me and give me the chance to live the rest of my life proving my love for you.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are a fabulous woman for doing this. I hope your husband will be half as gracious in his pain as you are being in yours. He won't feel like it at first, be I hope he realizes what a lucky guy he really is. I would give my right arm for such a letter from my W.<P>God will be with you as you do this. Keep that in mind.

I certainly believe that everyone here is entitled to their opinion, but with the addition of what Kathi says, I would leave it just as it is. You have revealed your true feelings in this letter and I don't think you should change just because of other opinions. <P>I like your letter because it conveys two things: 1) you made a mistake, and 2) you want to make it right. I don't see anything that suggests that you are making yourself a prisoner to your husband. I think that you should add what Kathi suggested, but leave it as is. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You.<BR>John

Dear Jill,<P>You are showing tremendous courage, love and trust towards your husband. It's going to be hard, but you will feel agreat relief as well. God be with you.<P>Kenneth

Hi Jill,<P>Are you going to read this aloud- or leave it for H to read? Not sure how this will go if you just leave him this letter to read sometime alone.....that to me would be major conflict avoidance. <P>You are doing the right thing- and I swear I could have written the letter myself...but understand that all the "I know you hate me and will hate me.....blah..blah" is simply you wanting him to stand up and reassure you that "NO! I don't hate you.....!"- because you feel such awful guilt and probably hate yourself as a result. <P>My husband actually told me on our last worst night that the only way I had any chance with him again would be if I literally kissed his feet every day for years! He, of course, was very hurt- but I thought he was serious and I would've agreed to anything at that point! I am still trying to figure out how not to self-destruct now with all this mess I am still cleaning up. Though now I can look at my H and tease "do you want me to kiss them with your socks on or off?!"<P>I am only now 2 weeks into true recovery- and it is hard....but I pray and pray that God will help me and that things will continue to get better....<P>Prayers to you.....

Jill,<P>As the man of a women that has had some sort of affair. I would like to tip my cap to you for the courage that you are showing. My wife told me that she had a connection to OM back in OCT. That took a lot of courage on her part.<P>The bad news is that she still sees him and says that they are only friends. I wish you nothing but the best. You have the determination of a women that wants to make her marriage work. That is most of the battle.

Jill<P> 7 months ago my wife had a short affair very similar to yours. I thought your letter was fine. I disagree with the others about issues like being a prisoner. One thing you should understand is this letter is going to blow him out of the water. He will be hurt angry and his emotions are going to go from one exterme to another. My wife tried to sugar coat things and slowly give me the facts this only caused me to suffer over and over. I now know that my wife was suffering just as much as I was but it will be a long time before your husband will feel that way. I know you are hurting and suffering but do not try and tell him you understand. This would be an insult to him (he is going to view it that you were having fun how could you be sorry).<P> One thing I really want to tell you is that my wife and I are so much in love right now it is amazing. I never imaged anything could be this good. I do from times to times still feel very depressed but it seems to be going away. <P> Hang in there, I think you are doing the right thing just be patience with him because he his mind is going end up becoming hamburger and he'll have trouble dealing with some of the most basic things. Be there for him, comfort him, tell him whatever he wants and above all LOVE him. Your support for him will make the difference. I went from carefree to being on antidepressants and I'm still on them. I really hate to admint it but that F______ A_____ did me a favor and enhanced my marriage like nothing before could.<P>Good Luck

Hi<P>Again, thanks for the advice and kind words of encouragement...<P>Some of you have asked if I am planning on giving my husband this letter and having that suffice as a confession. The answer to that would be NO. Throughout my life, whenever I've had anything serious and/or important to say to anyone, I've always put my thoughts on paper first. It helps me to be able to think more clearly. <P>I am planning on looking my husband in the face and telling him everything. Nope, this won't be one of those "tell him as you're drifting off to sleep" talks. This will be a "look him in the eye and try to make coherent sentences through the sobbing" kind of event.<P>Thanks again for your kindness (everyone). <P>It means alot...<P>Jill

Dear Jill - Your letter brought tears. I was betrayed, and my H showed no remorse, but just walked out on me after 17 years of marriage. I would have given anything to have heard even half the remorse that you have shown. If he would have shown even a small bit of the strength of character that you have shown, maybe we could have saved our marriage, if he had wanted to. But he didn't, and is now married to the OW.<P>My heartfelt prayers are with you. You are doing the right thing. My heart aches for you and your H, because this is going to be difficult, but I really feel that if your H is a kind, caring person, that he will see the sincerity of your intentions to save your marriage and to be the best wife you can be to him. <P>Please keep us updated on how you are doing. Again, may God Bless you and your H. I pray for a favorable outcome, and for your peace of mind. Stay strong and focused - I know you can do this!!!