Just a question. Until recently I didn't know for sure that my W was sleeping with the OM. Well, now I know for sure. My question is, how the hell do you people cope with this? I know some of you have been living wit hthis knowledge about your spouses for a long time. How?<P>I feel like my life is over now. I want to die. Please help me see that there is still some hope. I need it very badly right now. Prayers are appriciated too.<P>Brent

Brent,<BR> <BR>It IS the hardest thing to cope with. Are you on any meds for depression? Most of the people here are on some sort of meds. I'm taking St. John's Wort myself.<P>It does get easier in time. I know, it sounds unbelievable. But 2 months ago, I was in the same place you are and I have to say I'm coping pretty well. I still have down days, but not as often.<P>Also for what I lack in advice, I try to make up for in prayers!<P>Prayers to you,<BR>Mitzi

edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

mitzi,<P>Yes, I'm on Zoloft, and up until tonight it was working great, but now I feel as low as I ever have. I had such high hopes that we could salvage this thing, but now I don't know. <P>Please everyone, I need to hear your thoughts. How do I attempt planA with this knowledge. I'm notthat strong I don't think.<BR>

Brent...<P>Undoubtedly...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is very hard...<P>How in the world can we meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>... while being taken for granted?... mentally abused?... insulted daily?... and on and on...<P>There isn't one magic pill...<P>It's not just "the medication"...<BR>It's not just "giving up to the Lord"...<BR>It's not just "sucking it up"...<BR>It's not just "accepting an addiction"...<BR>It's not just "hoping for the best"...<BR>It's not just "relying on faith"...<P>...it's <B>all</B> of these things...<BR>...and <B>it's the people on this forum</B>!<P>You've really got to try everything...<BR>There will be the days when it works...<BR>There will be many when they don't...<P>That's when you come here to vent.., rant... pull a tantrum... whatever!<P>Sometimes you'll find a willing ear to hear it... sometimes not. But it is theraputic!<P>Brent...<BR>... let me not leave off...Prayer...<P>...as I pray for you tonight... <BR>...for that strength... <P>Jim

Brent,<BR>I have been living with this for a bit over 4 months. As I look over this I cannot believe it has been that long. I moved out Jan 1/00. It has honestly been the most painful and heart wrenching thing I have ever gone through. I don't know if losing a parent or loved one is this bad.<P>It hurts.<P>But.<P>If you get the chance to try and make it work do it. Somewhere inside you you made a decision to love her for better or worse. Right now, your pain is so great, you are feeling betrayed, you are feeling belittled, you are feeling like a dirt floor. But this means not a lick, it is a drop in the bucket because you still have good memories and you can still make more good ones.<P>One step at a time, one moment at a time one single thought at a time. That is how you can get through this. It isn't easy. I was close to letting myself go (if you know what I mean) but I didn't. People showed me that I was still loved here. You will too, if we can help you we will... just ask.. please.<P>It will pass, not disappear but it will get better. Read the information available here on the website and please do buy the 'How to survive an affair".<P>A couple tips, Plan A is hard. Very Hard. It shouldn't all fall on your shoulders, it isn't fair etc.... but it is up to you. Everyday when these thoughts come to your mind and you want to get angry let them wash away. Because your love is stronger, more fluid. The hardest thing to do is to not 'educate' your partner. Don't tell them why, or how they should be doing it. Rather just support them, love them and show them you care. It's hard but its always been worth it for me, even when it hurts. You know why, because it's true. It's unconditional and they need love, real love thats from you.<P>Hey, one day at a time. Make some time for you (try to get to the gym, or go for a walk, anything to keep you active).<P>Email me if you need a hand<P>James<BR>firesong@bigfoot.com<P>my candles are lit, prayers being said

First, you are stronger than you think you are. Give yourself a little credit!<P>Second, as Claudia says, keep in mind that it is not about you, it is about them. One person a while back posted that she thought of this as her husband being temporarily mentally ill. Works for me.<P>Prayers going up---<P>Kathi

QUESTION? What did everyone do BEFORE pills were discovered (ofcourse not including manic depressive). But people worked through it through time. I always find it peculiar, how when someone on this board questions "How do I cope", people start screaming GET ON MEDS! This is NOT the answer ALL THE TIME! Numbing the pain does not make it go away any faster or easier to deal with, it just makes it easier to NOT cry continually or easier to function without emotions getting in the way. For some that is what they want, not to feel, but not all people as myself would agree that getting on medication is the first thing that should be done. First, you need to take in what you have learned constructively. Let the pain flow, let the tears flow. Then after you have a better head, then decide what you want. To work on it or walk away. You can't decide what the OP wants or will do, so you have to communicate of what you both want to see happen and if you both are on the same sheet of music then you have to work on it from there. But first deal with your pain and heartache first. Major decisions can not be made at this time.

Answer to trying2_4give<P>Meds don't make the problem go away. No one says they do. They do not numb you.<P>In times like this you are expected to make decisions and to think. You still have a job to go to. You may or may not have kids to parent and other important responsibilities.<P>Meds help you to focus, to cut out the obsessing and to take you just above the level where you cant think. Often they keep the ups and downs from being way too strong. You don't stop getting depressed, but it sure helps when you can think clearly.<P>You can't work with your spouse if you are on an emotional rollercoaster and crying spontaneosly. I think many people go on to meds way to late. I know I did, I may have been able to work with my W earlier if I wasn't soo taken apart and obsessive.<P>That's why you see "go on meds", because it helps you AND your interactions without sacrificing anything.<P>J

IMHO, you are sacrificing something when you go on meds. You are taking the CHANCE of becoming addicted to something to HELP you when things get rough. I have seen 2 friends go on medication through some rough areas and YEARS later they are still taking these medications saying "I'm use to it". Yes, I know every situation is different. But like I said before, if you couldn't get these meds, then what would you do. (And I don't mean this in those extreme cases of total nervous breakdowns). Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to give the impression that I am frowning down on anyone that decides they need meds, but it is tossed around TOO MUCH in here as the first answer.

I went on Serzone, no addiction what so ever. There are plenty of meds out there that don't have the side effects. <P>I know you say, what if you couldn't go on them (Not available) well then thats kind of settled then.<BR>But the point should be, most people do have them available. And they should. What would you choose really?<P>There is such a horrible stimatism to med use, I had it and wished I hadn't since it could have made a big difference early on when i needed them. I am off them now and functioning great. No side effects.<P>Hey maybe it isn't for you, how many people has it pulled through and helped? Think about that<P>J

I think we got off the point a little. I was looking more for how people cope emotionaly with the realization that thier spouce is cheating on them.<P>BTW - My wife moved home ysterday because she "missed the kids", well, it's 6:30 and she isn't home yet and no call. She is making me sick lately.<P>Brent

Brentb<P>Somehow you are going to have to detach yourself from the situation. It is extremely hard. If I start to let my mind wander I go insane.<P>I tend to pray, something I did not do with regularity before. it has truly helped me.<P>Writing about your feelings in a letter or journal is another way to get it out. <P>I am a female and one who tends to talk things out, unlike my conflict avoiding husband. So, i have a few friends, believe it or not my mother in law who listen to my agony. <P>We are here for you also. I will continue to look for your posts to try to keep telling you that it is not about You. OK

Brent,<BR>Through lots of prayer and meditation on God's word. Reading the Bible helps like talking with a person. God is always there and what I read on a given day or the sermons I hear on the radio reaffirm that I am doing what He wants me to do. Yes, it still hurts deeply but God helps ease the pain.<P>I also come here when I really am feeling bad and post. I come here to help others which helps to get my mind off what is happening. I know there will be the day when she will realize that I was only doing what God asked me to do for her.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

It is a very difficult thing you are facing at this time. When my husband told me of his affair, I completely fell apart. I did not know how to handle the amt of hurt, pain, and rage I felt. I did all the wrong things because I didn't know any other way to survive . I would have given anything to have known about this forum back then, All I can say is get into counseling for yourself immediately and let the professionals decide if you need medication. Don't do anything in the heat of anger. I filed for divorce because I was angry and thought that is what you were supposed to do when your spouse is cheating. I lost my appetite and lost 14 pounds in less than 2 wks. Please try to eat good foods or at least take some vitamins. I was obsessed with reading all I could find on adultery and possible divorce, and working on saving marriages. and they actually gave me some sense of control. I tried every day to do some kind of exerciseor some other diversional activity. Many tmes I had to literlly force myself. I also relied on 2 very good friends who would let me talk for hours and cry for hours if I needed to. I promise you, it does get better and the pain slowly gets better. My advice is to take it one hour at a time, and don't rush into making any decisions. Nothing has to be solved immediately. It will be terribly hard, but you will find strength and courage that you didn't know was buried inside. With the help of the people here, your friends and family, you will survive this.

Hi Brent,<P> Sorry you are here with us but you will get lots of support....<P>The way I coped is I thought of my H as being "temporarily insane" and not in his right mind....which is TRUE!!! It is the worst pain possible but it can be dealt with. <P>I exercised like crazy and that helped me emotionally, broke those obsessive thoughts and lifted me a little. Probably the last thing I did was read, read, read, everything I could get my hands on...."Surviving An Affair" became my "bible".... hang in there, there is hope.....LU

Thanks everyone who responded. I'm having a real hard day today for several reasons. First off, my W came home Wednesday because she said she missed the kids, but she didn't come home until 7:00pm last night (an hour before the girls bedtime) so that made me mad. The other thing is that she is going away for the weekend and I know for a fact she will be with the OM. It killed me this morning to watch her leave knowing she would be with him this weekend and not say anything to her about it. I am just so tired of the lies and diseption. <P>Anyway, I have an appointment with a lawyer today to discuss my options. I still want my W and marriage back, but I have decided that I'm hurting myself and the kids too much by trying to hang on and leaving this thing in limbo. I mean really, she says she loves him, and he says he loves her too, so who am I to stand in the way (I know what you folks are going to say, so flame away, I'm just sooooo tired.)<P>I'm having trouble convincing myself that this is the best thing for everyone, but it is for now. I really doubt my W's "love" for the OM or his for her will last long after the reality of life together invades thier relationship, but I am convinced that is what it is going to take to snap her back to reality.<P> I think that the more you love someone, the more draining this type of thing is, and it has tapped me out. I don't want to end my marriage, but what we have right now is no marriage, and the pain for me is excrusiating(sp?). I don't have any plans on getting involved with someone else for a long time, I have too much baggage to work through first, but I would rather have some closure so I can start repairing my heart than have it continually ripped apart the way things are now.<P>Thanks for letting me bleed all over this post. It helps.<P>Brent

If you feel you can't stand doing Plan A anymore, go to Plan B...<BR>Don't file for divorce yet--don't do anything that will make it hard for her to come back when Fantasyland closes...<BR>

kam6813,<P>I tried giving her a plan B letter, that's what scared her into coming back because she thought I was going to take custody of the girls (which I wasn't planning at the time). I think it would be a little hard to plan B it in the same house and there is no way I can leave if I want to have any chance of retaining residential custody of the girls. This in my mind is no longer about the W and I, but rather what is best for my children. (I know, a happilly married mom & dad is always best, but that doesn't seem to be an option). I do appriciate your opinions though. Please do not think that I have made this decision in haste. It is something that I have been thinking about but hoping would never happen for a long time. Only God knows for sure if I am doing the right thing in the long run. All I know is we (my family) are in this situation stuck in the lowest point we could be and it is time to make some progress, regardless of what direction it is in.

Brent - <P>I haven't posted in a long time...some of the old(er) timers may remember me. I started posting last summer and stopped in Dec after it became apparent that my wife was intent on divorcing me. I was so dejected at that time that I felt that I wasn't adding anything positive and useful to the forum so I stopped posting. I'm in a better emotional place now (despite my personal outcome) so I'd like to comment on your situation...please let me interject with some honest reflections and words of encouragement.<P>I know exactly how you feel. My wife left me 9 months ago and is now living with her MARRIED OM. Of course according to her, THEY are going to get married...well maybe not...he's rich and his wife would take him to the cleaners. Everyone knows this except my loving, faithful wife.<P>I won't kid you pal...what you are about to embark on will be the single most painful experience of your life. I employed (and continue to employ) the Harley methods - unfortunately to no avail. But that is not to say that they don't work. For me, Harley's methods allowed me to get to know myself, 'fix' myself and above all, know that I will be the one that, at the end of the day, will walk away with my head held high. You see, my loving faithful wife filed for divorce last August. Despite my attempts to drag my feet until she "saw the light of day", we will inevitably be divorced within a month.<P>However, this is not a story of despair! I have learned so much about myself and have become much closer to God through this process! While I am far from perfect, I now have a better understanding of what it means to walk with the Lord. He has saved me from the absolute destructive direction I was headed in.<P>I know what you are feeling. If my profile is still active (under the sunglasses above) click on them to read just how I came to discover my wife's infidelity. I haven't updated my profile in over six months so I'm not sure it's there anymore.<P>Nevertheless, DO NOT give up hope. I am willing to e-mail or IM correspond with you one-on-one if you wish...if only to listen and offer encouragement. Let me know.<P>God's Peace to you Brent.