I read your post with great interest. Wow. I wish you a continued recovery. It takes time. Now a year into recovery, I celebrate feeling so normal again. <P>My question is if you and your wife were so educated on marriage skills, what was the reason for the affair?<P>For whatever reason did you stop meeting each other's needs? <P>Was it a time of weakened faith? Was she influenced by others? Do you think you were targeted by the Devil?<P>Or have you identified another reason?<P>My own experience pales to yours, but my unresolved question is how this happened in my life. Although we can always improve (and we both have), basically we had a good marriage. It was kind of a lightening bolt from nowhere. The closest description I found was an accidental affair described in Private Lies.<P>My H is now horrified and I truly believe mystified by his past actions. I don't believe he knows and although he threw out the standard justifications initially, he now maintains I or our marriage had nothing to do with his affair.<P>On this site we read so much about meeting needs and if we do not...blamo...an affair. Although I have no trouble trying to meet needs and actually love meeting my needs, I have always felt uncomfortable about this as a blanket explaination of affairs.<P>Just wanted to get your opinion.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

edited by claudia103<p>[This message has been edited by Claudia103 (edited March 12, 2000).]

Dear Faith, Hope & Love,<P>Don't feel that unmet needs have to be the cause of your spouse's infidelity. Often times they are, but not always. In my situation, they were a contributing factor, but not 'the cause.'<P>After my wife's confession, I desperately wanted to understand how this could happen. My wife really believed that I was about 25% to blame. I accepted that, but then we got out her diaries from years ago. There, in black and white, was a day to day account of what was going on at that time in our marriage.<P>Guess what? My wife's recollection of events was so distorted from the years of deception, that she was completely wrong in what she remembered! I wasn't perfect, and I know there were some areas in which I didn't meet her needs as well as I could have, but according to her entries, I was a great husband before the affair started!<P>Things did get bad between us, but that was after the affair had begun to take its toll on our relationship. My wife was shaken to the core by this revelation, since it left her with no justification for the worst choice of her life.<P>There were many other factors in our lives that caused my wife to fall. Work circumstances, spiritual pride, a bad church, allowing people who had adulterous spirits to be in close contact with us... But these were the tools, not the wielder of the tools.<P>The almost unbelievable combination of factors that lined up just right for my wife to fall were no coincidence. They were engineered by Satan, with God's permission.<P>Satan's motive is obvious. Through the affair, he caused us the worst emotional pain of our lives, almost destroyed my wife's health, and left a stain on our marriage that can never be erased.<P>But I didn't fully have peace until I understood God's sovereignty. Satan could not do this to us without God's permission. (See Job 1; Luke 22:31) God allowed Satan to inflict these wounds on us, because He could bring so much good out of it that from His eternal perspective, it was worth it.<P>What could be worth this pain, (you, I, anyone would ask?) In my case, I have a far better wife than I ever had before, one who is a giver, not a taker. I was totally broken by the Lord through this, and am now much better able to be used by Him in various ways. And He has given me an incredible testimony of hope to share with others who are hurting.<P>I hope this helps you make a bit more sense of your own situation. <P>Best Wishes,<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

BBNC,<P>I was interested in your reply. We (H's family, my friends, and me) have been looking at recent photos of my H with me or the kids in which he looks very happy. Everyone thought he was.<P>He has had a lot of stress in his job for the past two years which has thrown him together closlly with the OP. It is believed that she was manipulating things to go her way as well.<P>I have grown a lot in the short time since this has happened. I can tell you whether or not our marraige survives, it will take a tremedous amount of healing for me. <P>I have learned more about where my faith is and where it should be. I have a long rode to go. <P>I have also learned a lot about my parenting. Again, I have a long rode to go.<P>My H's faith is not strong. I was wondering if you had particular verses you would pray for his soul (and hers to!!!).

Dear Claudia103,<P>What a sad situation! It sounds like there are many things that are wrong, and that it will take God's intervention to make them right.<P>Your H is terribly deceived, especially in his priorities. No job is worth tearing your marriage apart! And the mission trip was not to God's glory, but instead, it caused shame to Christ's name. In all of life's choices, there are few things that a person can do that are worse than bringing shame to Christ.<P>It sounds like you are, understandably, in a great deal of pain. Even though my wife's sin was of greater magnitude than your H's, she was truly repentant, and this enabled me to forgive her quickly. In your situation, you need to look to God for your healing, regardless of whether your H ever comes to his senses. <P>The best thing for your H is to read the new testament daily. When the affair was ongoing, my wife could not bear to read God's word because there were so many passages that showed her what she was doing was terribly wrong. Throughout the affair, it was her love of God, not her love of me, that caused her to try to stop her sin. While that hurt me at first, I now realize that her love of God should be first.<P>A verse that came to mind in response to your request was James 5:19-20. Your H has wandered from the truth, as has the OW, and because of the situation, it is unlikely that you will be the one to get him to see it. Even as I write this, I am praying that God would bring the right person or persons into your H's life with words that will pierce the cloud of deception and help him to climb out of the pit of sin into which he has fallen. <P>One last thought. When he finally climbs out, and I believe he will, you need to be strong in the Lord. It would be completely natural for you to lash out at him for how horribly he has treated you. Please consider, though, how vulnerable and ashamed he will be when he does climb out. If you are there for him, putting aside your own pain, it will greatly speed his recovery, and ultimately, your own.<P>What I am suggesting is virtually impossible in your own strength. Only by leaning on God can you do this.<P>You are in my prayers.<P>BrokenButNotCrushed<P>

Claudia103,<P>Here are some more verses that have helped me. I am a betrayer, and have found my strength again through Jesus Christ and the promise of God's love and salvation. I hope they help you and your H out.<P>James 5:13-16<BR>Phil 4:12-13<BR>Eph 4:17-19<BR>James 1:5-8<BR>James 1:22-24<P>Take care, Kevin

BBNC,<P>I have been going through the posts and read this one. A couple of weeks ago I printed out your post on how you survived your S's unfaithfulness. My H read it and he said it helped him to better understand where I was coming from and my feelings. I thank you for that post. <P>It has been five months since he told me of his unfaithfulness and I still struggle with it. I pray and find comfort for the moment but there are days when all those ugly thoughts surface and attack me through out the day. I try to handle this on my own, because I feel if I share with my H what I am going through it will cause him to withdraw from me because he is the one who caused this pain. I do want us to be able to work this through together and share our feelings but he has always blocked things out that bother him and he tells me that he has blocked out what he has done and has moved on. I on the other hand am not able to do this so easily.<BR>For one thing, this all came out of the blue and I still don't know why it happened nor does he have an explaination to give.<P>I want to heal and there are days when I feel I am right back where I started when I was first told. How long does this go on I wonder. I am a little stronger than I was 5 months ago, but I am not at the place I want to be in all this as yet.<P>You seem to have wonderful insight and you are extremely lucky that your W helped you through the bad feelings and insecurities of this kind of pain. I still feel my H cannot handle what this has done to me or is still doing. And I don't know how to get him to be there for me. I forgave him and have been there for him, and I could really use his support. <P>He is dealing with some other problems which contribute to my insecurities as well. When you said true love can only develop in a relationship based that is based in truth, not fantasy, How true this is and I feel I am still trying to get my H to understand this.<P>Thank you for your words of wisdom and if you have any for me I would greatly appreciate it.

devastated2<BR>I'd like to try to offer a little insight here if I might.....<P>Five months isn't very long in this process, especially when you aren't able to talk things over with your spouse. You must realize that the negative thoughts and images won't just go away on their own....you will have to learn over time how to fight them and redirect your thoughts. Of course, I believe it is important to share your feelings of sadness and loss, and yes anger, with your spouse also. <P>You don't mention counseling here.....if you aren't in therapy, I strongly suggest that you begin asap. Even if your husband isn't willing to go along, it will help you tremendously.<P>His ability to "block it all out" is pretty normal. Most betrayers seem able to do that.....thinking about it causes pain so they just don't think about it. Even though that is normal, it isn't healthy. It is really important to deal with it all so that both spouses can put it to rest.<P>Pray for God to open the door for you to talk honestly with your husband about what you need. Consider writing him a letter sharing this information....sometimes writing is easier than talking because you can think through what you want to say and emotions don't cloud the "discussion". Ask him to write his responses down as well. <P>Finally....check out the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It is, in my opinion, the best book available on affair recovery. It is clear, concise and written for both spouses to read. It is also scripturally sound, but not "preachy".<P>It is going to take time to process through this situation....time, patience and effort. It can be done, though....my husband and I are 2 years post-revelation and end of his affair and doing wonderfully well. I remember the early pain and fear that I would never get better, though. Hold on to God and let Him lead you through the valley.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P>