Hello everyone I'm back.<P>I had to take a couple of weeks off from the board to try and get things straightened out on my own. I realize now, that I should have stayed.<P>Anyway..an update:<P>The roller coaster keeps making it's ups and downs. Seems like more downs than ups but, oh well that's life I guess.<P>I do really good for a while, then I do really bad. Last week was probably my worst for big LB's but, I've vowed that I will do no more. I won't go into the details...let's just say I messed up big time!<P>This weekend is going to be one of my toughest ones to handle. W and OM are working together until late at night Sat. and Sun....ALONE!!!<P>I can't help but worry, especially after my LB's last week. I've told her how much I dislike the whole idea of this weekend but, she just tells me that I don't have to worry.<BR>So it boils down to the whole trust issue again. Just like when she was telling me that I didn't have to worry before, except that before when she said it, she was in the middle of her PA with OM.<P>I need some advice on how to handle this weekend with out slipping up and LB'ing again.<P>James<P><BR>

{{{{JW}}}}}<BR>So good to see you back!<BR>Yeah, this rollercoaster thing is the pits. I get really tired of having an "up", feeling better, only to have another "down". But, we have reached a point where I can see progress, and I hope can to, or at least that you will get to that point soon.<P>Wow, working w/the OM ALONE Sat and Sun???<BR>That IS going to be tough for you.<P>It does come down to a matter of trust. I think you have to realize that just because trust was broken in the past, doesn't mean it will be in the future. Your relationship is not the same one that you had back then. Despite all the pain, I truly think my H and I have a better, more deeply sharing relationship than we had a few months ago, which gives me reason to trust him.<P>As I recall, after discovery, your W was very honest with you, and cared a lot about your feelings. Does she still seem to be being honest with you? Does she still seem to be caring of your feelings? If so, make the DECISION to trust her. <P>Hope the weekend goes well. Use your free time to do something good/constructive/fun for YOU...don't just mope around, OK?<P>Hang in there--<BR>Kathi<BR>

JW,<P>I am glad to see you back. Actually, maybe I shouldn't be since that means that things aren't going as well as hoped. About trust, only one question. Do you have a choice?? Whether you trust her or you don't, the situation is the same. <P>I find it hard to believe that the military would put your W and OM together and alone after Court Martialing your W and reprimanding him. What kind of idiots are running this outfit? <P>Nevertheless, you just have to hang in there. I don't how well you read your W, but many times you can tell if your W is uncomfortable. With your W, I am not sure since she did not tell you about the events overseas until the CM was coming.<P>Hopefully, she has seen that you will find out sooner or later and be honest. JW, this is going to be a tough weekend, but maybe you can have her call you every now and then while she is working. That might remind her of her promises and obligations.<P>But JW, here is the really hard thing. Whether you trust her or not, she has to do the right thing. If she doesn't and you find out, then you have decisions to make. If she does then everything is cool. You are not driving this boat, she is. You can simply react to her actions. <P>I know I don't sound very optimistic, but actually that is not the point. I am trying to get you to understand that you can only do so much and then she has to carry the freight.<P>Let us know how it goes. If she told you that things were cool, then go with it until you know otherwise.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

So...How'd the weekend go?

Wish I had read this Friday. Oh well hope things went ok. <P>Yeah trust is something for you to decide on, but a possible POJA might be for her to call periodically while away to check in, to be very detailed about what went on. Even to let you chaperone a bit. Those are things she has to agree to though so it's real hard to push for them without resorting to an LB.<P>I've seen quite a few posts about making a decision to trust, and they are right on. Sometimes though I'd like to see the other side of it presented too. Trust is earned. When someone does something as devestating as an affair at some point they need to realize that they just can't expect their spouse to give them that trust back. They have to earn it. Harley suggests earning it back through total honesty. Oh how does the saying go...I'm preaching to the choir? Maybe the question should go what can the betrayed do to persuade the betrayer that total honesty is the way to earn the trust back?<P>Boy and persuade without an LB? Think I better go back into the lovebuster's book and read the chapter dealing with persuasion. I remember that the key was to convince the other that there was something in it for them. Sorry for the rambling. Just trying to share a possible solution that even I don't have totally worked out yet.