Can someone tell me why to try anymore. My W and I know she lost her love for me over 8 years ago, early in our marriage. Since that time, there have been 3 affairs for her and a one night stand for me. I love her dearly, but now she says I am like a dear friend to her. Her last affair, proven only 3 weeks ago, was a full blown sexual deal that tormented me for over 5 months. Many lies, etc... This one cost a man his job and career and will eventually do the same for me. He was my boss. Now, my company sees her as a liability. The two of them mananged to mess up the opportunity of a lifetime with this company. I wanted to reconcile with her, and she says the same, but with everyday that passes, I just don´t understand why I should even try. I don´t know how to make her happy or if she ever could be with me. I only know that I am tired, very tired, of wanting her love. I am feeling like it is better to end it now while we are at least friends, for our 20 month old´s sake in the future. We have an appointment with an MB counselor for this next Monday, but right now I don´t know if it is worth my time. Why shouldn´t I just let her go and chalk it up to we tried--for 10.5 years that is. She says she loved the last one and really wants to learn to love me that way. Says she does not want out, but I, many times, think she is staying because of convenience. We have discussed my changing jobs to spend more time with her.<BR>She feels togetherness is the key along with communication. Yet, last night, she discussed going back to school to be a cop. How will swing shifts, night shifts, etc... promote togetherness between us, let alone our son. It would definetly not be an enthusiatic agreement. I am tired of giving and her taking. I have been a good man to her and done every thing I knew to do to make her happy, yet I have failed. Why can´t I be allowed to give up and walk away?<BR>I don´t even know if she is sincere about reconciling or if she is just stringing me along until the grass looks greener again. I am even beginning to have doubts if I am our sons father. These are terrible things to think about my W and the woman I love, but they are there. Is this normal after having such a disaster? Would a separation help? When do you say when? Someone tell me, why try anymore? I just want to be happy again and feel love from someone. Maybe she will never be able to provide that, and then this whole scenerio will repeat. WHY???<BR>LHC

LHC,<P>I am sorry to hear of the terrible thing you are going through and have been going through. It is a good thing you found this board though. From posting and reading here you will become more familiar with the things your W is experiencing and also know that you are not alone in the pain and doubts you are experiencing.<BR>If you haven't already I would suggest you go to the "Just found out" forum and check out a post by NSR our resident welcome wagon. It is called "A general welcome for new builders" (or something similar). In that post he has a lot of links to information on the website that may help you.<BR>Come here to vent your frustrations and to ask for insight or just to get out a good cry.<BR>The people here have become friends and we have come to laugh, cry, grieve and rejoice as different lives unfold. I am glad that you have found us.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited March 16, 2000).]

LHC,<P> I hear you and understand exactly where your coming from. I was at the point of why try, my wife had a sexual affair and after she told me it remained an emotional affair for several months. Believe me it doesn't make much difference between emotion and sexual they both hurt like H_LL.<P> Today my marriage is doing pretty good and where both happy. Remember one thing the two of you got married because you were right for each other. I became side tracked with jobs, money blab, blab, blab and it hurt our marriage. We slowly drifted apart but the affair was the shocker that woke me up.<P> I would start looking at everything you can find on the web. Do a search on the web and get some romantic tips. You can spice up your life simply by doing things for her. I found I actually had fun and it was great to do them. The trick is that you both need to be willing to honestly try and not let the negative feelings distory you. If you can do this you'll start by having fun just as friends but as it continues the feelings will return and the relationship will grow and so will the passion. Someplace I read the line that "If you don't have an afair with your wife someone else will". I know I was guilty as charged. Here's a few things I did that really went over good.<P>-- Prepare her a bath with the room full of candles and some wine<P>-- I made her a CD of love songs and wrote what each song meant to me and how I felt about it.<P>-- I took a prescription bottle and put labels on them like "Take for depression and loniness" & "warning to many may cause extacy" and then on the inside was pieces of paper that have my name on them.<P>-- Last fall I rake up the yard and brought all the leaves into the living room. I add a park bench that we had and put some beer in a cooler. When the wife came home we had a pinic and play the beer drinking games we did as kids many, many, many years ago.<P> The main point here is if you want this marriage to work. Try and bottle up the feelings (this is HARD I know) and spend time with each other and make such NO ONE IS AROUND TO INTERFER.<P>Good Luck<BR>

LHC,<P>I am going to suggest something that bothers me, but here goes. If you have doubts about your childs parentage, you can find out. You need to ask yourself if you really want to know, but with DNA testing you can find out.<P>If this is becoming something very big in your mind, it might help to clear the air to find out the truth. In most states you are still legally the childs father.<P>Think about this long and hard before you do it. But it may help get somethings cleared up.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I'm just a newbie here, but from what I've read and from what I've experienced, your thoughts and feelings are "normal". You've been through a terrible ordeal; one book I read compared the state the hurt spouse is in after s/he finds out about an affair to post traumatic stress syndrome.<P>You did not fail. Even if you both decide not to go on with your marriage, you did not fail.<P>Things did not go right in your marriage, but your wife had a choice in how to deal with them. It is Not Your Fault that she chose an affair.<P>Some days I don't know if I want to stay and work on my marriage or just give up, but I haven't yet. I am allowed to, and you are allowed to, but I want to try as hard as I can and from your post I would guess that you do, too. <P>You deserve to be loved. Know that. Love yourself. Feel the love from your children. These things will make it easier to try with your wife.<P>You write that she said she "loved" the last one and wants to learn to love you the same way. I'm willing to bet that she didn't really "love" him, but rather was infatuated with him. He was an impossible fantasy and she got caught up in the fantasy. You are real. She knows that. The fact that she wants to "learn to love" you is a good sign, I think. Friendship is the base of a very strong love, but you will have a difficult journey to get to it. <P>Only you can decide if that journey is worth it. <P>Good luck to you. I'm pulling for you.

I thought I'd give you a few ideas...<P>Patient Love mentioned a site I post for new folks... I think you've been around a while but here it is anyway===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P>All of us at some time will question whether it's all worth it!<P>Knowing what the real veterans experienced... from D-Day through Plan A then Plan B then Divorce... the worse part of all is the Divorce!<P>It is much harder to go through a divorce (and hopefully find a newer relationship)... than it is to <B>RE</B>-build your current marriage... It is more rewarding rebuild as well... as you know it is the right thing to do!<P>Even if you do decide that a divorce is inevitable... the MB concepts suggest... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#3.) The (betrayed) spouse needs to know that he/she had done his/her best to save their marriage. (page 76 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...then... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>(#4.) If the (betrayed) spouse follows the plans (A & B), and they(the plans) fail, the (betrayed) spouse would no longer have any feelings of love for the wayward spouse. (page 76 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>..that's what makes going through a divorce process easier.<P>How much work will you need to rebuild?...<BR>That depends on you and your spouse... there seems to some movement from her part in this direction!<P>How much work will it take to divorce and find a new (possible not a worthwhile) relationship... <B>A LOT MORE</B>!... and a much more painful effort as well.<P>You also have a child in your lives...<P>I don't know about you... but for me... "family" is very high on <B>my</B> list of emotional needs. (I raised my step ton from the age 4 ). If this is at all important to you... consider more than just you... and just your W! If have a collection of ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>... and on one you will find one called ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001477.html" TARGET=_blank>If you think infidelity doesn't affect the kids....</A>... check it out... it won't mean much for a 20 month old... but in time... it will to a 20 year old!<P>My prayers on your decisions... <P>Jim

Why try? I've thought that same thought a lot in the last 17 years. Why do I try? Because I love my husband, and believe in God's promises to us to give us the desires of our heart if we live for Him. <P>HurtButCoping is right. It's not your fault that your wife had an affair. It is hers. She is responsible for the pain and heartache that has been caused. It sounds to me like you definitely were a good husband to her and someone she should be so thankful for. One day she will be thankful for you. If you haven't already done so, please read BrokenButNotCrushed post "A story of hope, how I survived my spouse's unfaithfulness". It may help you understand why to keep trying. <P>Getting_Better - your thoughfulness to your wife is so sweet. Gee, I wish you could give these ideas to my H. I'd be ecstatic to just have him leave me a love note! Or hug me without me having to ask or hug him first. Your creativity is great!

LHC and More then a Alcoholic's Wife<P> I was raised to be a man and deal with problems myself, After all it's the man's job to provide for the family ****** This is a hugh pile fo BULL**** but so many guys are raise to feel this way that we fail to actually do what is needed in a marriage to make it successful. My wife tried for almost 19 years before she gave up. It took her affair and almost loosing her to take this chance I did and go for some of these ideas.<P> I think you will find that the guys who had wife's that walked out or had affairs all suffer for at least a little bit of what I do. I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR SOME FEEDBACK ON THIS ONE -- IT COULD REALLY PROVE INTERESTING.<P> IT TOOK A LOT OF FOR ME TO TAKE THIS LEAP. I'M STILL NOT SURE WHAT THIS ROMANTIC THING IS BUT I'VE LEARNED HOW BE HAPPY (SOMEWHAT). IF YOU WIFES WANT TO SEE THIS IN YOUR HUSBANDS TEACH THEM, SUPPORT THEM ... TRUST ME MOST HUSBANDS WOULD LOVE TO BE IN A HAPPY AND VERY SEXUAL MARRIAGE. IF IT TAKES THEM DOING THIS TO GET THERE THEY'LL DO IT !!!!!<P> Most of the ideas I wrote earlier I really can't take credit for as all mine but after doing this for a few months I'm learning.<P> Think about this -- for Christmas money became almost nonexisting and my wife ending up on the short end. I wanted to get her something special. I wanted to express to her the reasons I loved her. She was unable to understand very after the affair I would love her so my goal was to somehow put this right in front of her face. It took me over a month of trying to think about how to actually do this. One day I was in WalMart and saw a little musical ball with a couple inside the water filled ball. The ball rested on a base that was surrounded by flowers and flower pots. I took the 13 flower pots and put a word on each pot that was a reason why I love her. Christmas morning I felt really BAD about what she was going to get. When she open it she cried and could get over how great it was. It now sits next to our bed and she wakes up to it every day. I NEVER KNEW IT COULD BE SO SIMPLE TO MAKE HER HAPPY AND I THINK MOST OF US GUYS DON'T GET THIS.<P> NOW, IF THIS IS THE CASE I WOULD REALLY RECOMMEND THAT THE WIFES WHO WANT THERE HUSBANDS TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR THEMSELFS MAYBE SHOULD HELP GET THE BALL ROUNDING AND SHOW YOUR HUSBAND. I now know what to do. I don't need help. I can now see things that are good ideas. No one has to help me I GOT IT FINALLY. I may be a jerk, I may be sutpid but I'LL BE DAMNED IF ANYONE IS EVER GOING TO GET NEAR MY WIFE AGAIN.<P> What is wrong with taking your husbands by the hand if it gets you what you want ????? If he still doesn't it I don't know what to say.<P>Good Luck LHC, I hope things are working out for you.<BR>

Your wife has had 3 affairs and now wants to learn to love you like she did her last lover. How is she going to accomplish that? Is she going to pretend her relationship with you is really an affair. I don't want to make light of this post but in my opinion a spouse who continually cheats has forfeited the right to be married..Based on your wife's history it would be a good idea to do a DNA test on your child. Also get yourself a lawyer who specializes in labor law to make sure that you do not get fired because of the actions of your wife and your boss. You could file a lawsuit for wrongful dismissal.