I'm sitting here thinking about what the ow looks like and who she is. The more I think the more pissed I get! Am I out of line to wonder what the WS sees in the op? <P>I mean everyone who has seen and met this woman thinks very poorly of her. All the men that work with my H say they could have her if they wanted her but wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole. Mainly because she is such a b***h to everyone she comes in contact with except my H, of course. My H even tells me how ignorant she is and how her vocabulary sucks. The men all talk about how easy she is etc. I won't even go into her looks because I don't think I could control what I said! <P>These thoughts make me wonder if it is mainly a "sex" thing. How long can a "sex" thing last though? Anyone else notice this about op?

Hi,<P>I have no idea what my h's ow looks like nor do I care to find out. It's bad enough I now know her name. The only info I get about her is from my H and a lot of it does not sound to great. I know that my H is having this fling with her to meet some of his emotional needs more then physical needs. I am perfectly capable of meeting all his needs and I am just wanting for him to figure that out. <P>

Hi Pinky,<P>Thanks for your reply. I also think I am capable of meeting H's needs. Like you I wish he would hurry up and realize that! Unfortunately, I know way too much about ow. That is why I wonder if the need that is being met is the sex need. I can not meet that right now because he lives with her. He is suppose to be moving at the end of the month. NOT SOON ENOUGH

I too do not know what the ow looks like. My h told me she is tall and very very skinny and has a nice butt. More than I needed to know. I am 5' and weigh 110 pounds. I was overweight but had been working to lose weight and I have done a good job of it! He told me if I saw her I wouldn't know what he saw in her. Wonderful! She is 11 years older than me. She is 9 years older than my husband. She is a tramp through and through and my husband told me that! She told him she was a slut in high school. She cheated on her first husband several times. She left him for a married man. Married him and now she is cheating on him with my husband. My husband and the ow are living together with her 16 year old daughter. How is that for teaching your teenage daughter values? SICK and disgusting! OH! She smokes too! My h always told me if I smoked he would dump me! What a change in values all together! <P>You are not out of line to wonder what your husband sees in her. It is a typical reaction! I do it to myself all the time. How could he leave me for some skanky tramp. That is all I can think about sometimes! <P>For my h, it could be the sex but more than anything, it is the money I believe. We are broke all the time. Somehow, this woman seems to have an endless supply of money so she is taking care of all my husbands materialistic needs. I can't take care of those needs at all! He also told me she makes him feel alive. What a pig! I am in a very foul mood this morning! Couldn't sleep and it is Saturday morning! My day to sleep in!!! <P>Of course I want him to come back to me. But then I sit and wonder, why would he come back to me? He is having so much fun and freedom with her! that is what he wants, fun and freedom and things! Yeah, sex definitely plays a part in it too. BUT, he told me I am better in bed than she is. I know that is true because we always had an awesome sex life. He used to tell me that he would never tell any guys how good in bed I am because they would try and steal me away from him. HA HA HA~ I know the doofus still loves me too! When he comes to see his kids, he spends all his time talking to me. We get along just fine. I went and told him I love him the other day and he told me he loves me too. Then he started crying. He is such a mess! Yet I am the one paying for all the mistakes! BUt I did tell him the other day I am not filing for the divorce. I told him I don't want one. So, he can go see how much a lawyer and a divorce is going to cost! HA HA HA! <P>Just needing to get a lot of this stuff off my chest today! I know how you guys are feeling! It is so hard to think that we could be so easily replaced. But, you know what I heard? It is always the first wife that was the best. I believe that whole heartedly in my case. I know I am the best for him. He is just too stupid to see that right now. You know what, I hope someday he will be sorry too! Even worse than sorry! I am feeling in a vindictive mood today! Can't help it!<P>Woozy

I have a picture of my H and the OW that my H gave to me when we got back together. Unfortunately, I also knew what she looked like because she is the sister of H's best male friend and childhood friend. She is also his first girlfriend when they were 14. Knowing how homely this woman is (in the pic it looks like he's a gigolo with a hideous older woman, although they're the same age), makes it even harder for me to understand how he could have possibly had anything going with her, but H's affair was more to be with her FAMILY than to be with her (his mom died when he was 17 and this family supposedly gave him a lot of support, etc.). That helps us get through this, but it's still not easy. If I DIDN'T know what she looked like, I would have to do everything possible to find out. I need to know everything about his affair. Anything that I don't know would feel like they still had a secret.<P>The reason I keep the photo of H with OW is because I can look at it and see in H’s eyes that he was not himself – he was some other person completely – and that helps.<P>Mare<BR>

Mare, <BR>Same kind of setting, OW was my H's first girlfriend and sister of his best friend. I knew subconsciously for years that she really wanted him and wanted me out of his life but I thought if I was a "friend" to her that it would make me an even better person. <BR>I know she's not his type, no curves, very very skinny (he said she was all bumpy bones! )and not a very caring person at all. She was (his term, not mine) easy. Easy because she was there in front of him and was always pulling the bad parts of our marriage out to have him look at. She came to him as a "friend" and complained about how her H wasn't meeting her needs and made him "relate" to her. She sure was easy. But she sure made life hard. No, it's not the looks, it's not the emotional side of it, it's a different kind of need I think. One that I can fulfill now and he has learned that it's better when he doesn't feel the guilt of that need being filled by her. I can't explain it any easier (pardon the pun! ) than that! God Bless~<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I was so obsessed about the OW and what she was like, what she looked like and what my H saw in her, that on a spur of the moment, impulsive reaction, I bought a ticket and hopped on a plane and flew 1500 miles to make an unannounced visit.<P>When I got to NY, I rented a car and drove to the OW's house and sat there for an hour until she pulled up. When she got out of the car, I didn't think it could be "her" because I was expecting a Victoria's Secret model.<P>As she waddled up the driveway, I got out of my car and walked up to her and asked, "Are you AS?" She said "Yes." I said, "I'm KK and I have come all this way just to talk to you."<P>She rolled her eyes and asked me what I wanted to talk about. I told her I wanted to know what she intended to do with the baby (at the time she was two weeks from delivery), if she was in love with my H, told her I had some answers and some questions and if I could have just a few minutes of her time. We ended up talking for 6 1/2 hours.<P>She looked at me and gasped, "Oh my god, you're so beautiful. You're nothing like I thought you'd be." <BR>I told her, "Big deal. It didn't keep my husband at home, did it? You're nothing like I thought you'd be, either." (I didn't elaborate)<P>I had to know. It made me crazy. It's weird, too, because, if she had indeed been an outstanding looking woman with depth and all kinds of special things about her, that would make me wonder if my H would always secretly prefer and long for her. On the other hand, because she was so unattractive, I wonder why he preferred her to me to begin with and what the secret is behind it-what was her secret. What was the big attraction to begin with...Why was I replaced so easily and so quickly... <P>I talked to her long enough to know that her conversation was less than scintillating, her vocabulary limited, her intelligence barely average, that she had no skills, no job, no education, no interests, no humor. Our attorney described her as "unremarkable" and "common". She's 34 or 35 and looks 40 plus. I do not get it. She must have had a trick pelvis. LOL However, my H said she was "unresponsive" and that sex with her was a lot of work, whatever that means.<P>I am convinced the betrayers lie about the sex and say it was lousy when in reality it was damn good, because they all say the same thing..."you're MUCH better than she was" "It was nothing like what we've got" blah, blah<P>I don't believe any of it.<P>So, now, in retrospect, in recovery since June 1999, I am having these incredible flash backs to that awful time, remembering the haunting, terrible things said to me, the total rejection, the pre-discovery confusion, the post-discovery nightmare of wondering how this could be happening to us, and how he could have unprotected sex with a complete stranger, tell her within a couple weeks he was in love with her, make plans to move to NY, file divorce papers against me, plan to marry her-all within six weeks. He says it's all incredible to him and HE can't believe it. He says he was completely insane at the time and drinking heavily.<P>He found out at "last call" when the lights went on, that the "Babe" he was so enamored with, wasn't what she seemed to be. Now he (we) have to pay for this for the rest of our lives. Ugh. <P>Excuse me for crashing your thread. I just got on a tangent. I don't post much anymore and it was just one of those things..."don't get me started" manic phases. Sorry...but, thank you for letting me rant, rave and vent. <P>Catnip =^^=<P>

One last thing; someone very wise told me that sometimes people have affairs simply because they want to be 'desired' by someone else because of their own sagging ego. I told this person that I had always desired my H and daily affirmed to him how wonderful he was, how attractive he was, it just wasn't enough, because he had habituated me...my admiration of him had become a 'habit' and my being desirous of him no longer had the impact he thought he needed to feel good about himself. I don't know, maybe he thought I was lying to him and he needed to get another 'opinion'.<P>I call it BFB (big f***ing baby)

I know OW. She pretended to be my friend. Maybe she thought she was my friend, I don't know.<P>I met her after she and H started flirting. I had been suspicious until I met her--she is short, plain, not particularly well endowed, and ignorant. No match for me.<P>H says he was insecure and just wanted affirmation that he was desirable. She's what was available. I couldn't believe he would really do it with her! But then I thought, gee, if she really were "better" than me in any way that I really cared about, she would have had nothing to do with a married man. So I just try to smile and move on.

chick's - <BR>I didn't even know this woman was my H's first girlfriend, nor did I have a clue that she's been in love with him all these years. Frankly, I never thought in a million years she was a threat to me - she is truly homely - at 42 looks like she's 55 or more. I saw her at family functions and never gave her a second thought. I sure wish I had known their history, I would have never allowed him to talk with her!<BR>Mare

I am all too familiar with my husband's OW,she worked for him but he knew her for years before that. When she started working for him she was still married and was friendl y with me. Then I noticed that she would make herself scarce everytime I walked into the place, she would act weird. Hard to explain. Whenever I asked my H where she was he would say she is busy with a client. I thought it was strange. My 16 y.o. daughter suspected something was going on with them even before I knew...she had these cutesey names for him....my daughter thought this was <BR>unusual. I was simply in denial. She is not beautiful although he thought (and still thinks she is) I think I am much more attractive than she is. In fact, I would love to rearrange her whole facial features but I can't. It is not beauty that makes this happen but its the WILLINGNESS on both parts to ignore the fact that the man is married with 2 kids (who cares, lets give in to our sexual urges) and these sexual urges are hard to stop once they start. I am sure that my husband and OW are still at it, even if he denies. The other problem is that the OW is now single, with no children and no great job to speak of, she has nothing to do and can dote all her time to him. I, on the other hand have to take care of his children, clean the house, go to work 40 hours a week and then take classes once a week (but this is for pleasure for me). I pointed this out to him....but he is too stupid to understand....he thinks he is smart....but he is pretty ignorant.