Well, the title of my thread seems to say it all but I am so angry right now, that I feel the need to vent.<P>My H and I have been in recovery now for almost 1 year but I think that I have come to the end of my rope.<P>Upon our reconciliation, we made several agreements and promises to each other {most of them being his actually}. Anyhow out of 4 promises made... he has already broken 3 of them! Pretty good record don't you think...not!<P>There are 2 main ones that have been broken time and time again and blaitantly ignored by him. My feelings have also been blaintantly ignored.<P>My H has become addicted to XXX sites. I have expressed to him many times how much this upsets me and how he is breaking his word to me but he doesn't seem to care on little bit! He still continues and has NO regard for me in the process. His attitude is that what I don't know won't hurt me and that at least he isn't out running around on me again. That he enjoys looking at the pictures, that he has a high regard for the artistic beauty of the human body. Of course this is only the human bodies of the female gender.<P>A few weeks ago, I came home from work and found an email that was a confirmation for a subscription for some kind of site. It had pics of every sort of discusting form, online dating, personal ads, and all sorts of other stuff. I was very hurt and upset by this. He called and wanted to know what was wrong and I told him that I had seen the email and that I was upset by it. I didn't discuss it any further at that point.<P>As a matter of fact, I waited 2 days before discussing it for a couple of reasons.<BR>1. To give him the chance to bring it up {which of course he didn't}<BR>2. To bring myself to a point where I could discuss it calmly without LB's.<P>I was actually very surprised and very very proud of myself for keeping my composure during this discussion. He LB'd all over the place. He refused to talk about it, he was really tight lipped but he became angry at the same time. He opted the out and went out the door. I told him that if he left that it would only make things worse but he again didn't seem to care about me at all. <P>Our discussion amounted to about 15 minutes of me talking as he refused to communicate with me at all. I said what I had on my mind and what was in my heart and I had nothing else to say. Shortly after the conclusion, he left.<P>One of the other promises that he has broken is the one that we made when we got back together about not going to any bars unless we were together. As that is where he did ALOT of his playing around. That is also a promise that he has broken many many times. As a matter of fact I even addressed that topic also. So what did he do? When he left he went to another damn bar!!! Slap in my face? I think so.<P>He came in one day from work and upon his arrival, I got off the computer so I could spend time with him... well, he got on the computer right away to pull up the internet cookies to see exactly what I had been doing, as if I had something to hide. <P>Well, that turned me on to this little trick and I have been checking the cookies myself and learning alot about where he has been going on this computer.<P>I got up this morning and during the middle of the night he was on here and what I saw when looking at the cookies... upsets me greatly!!!! He had been back into those sort of sites and he had even been looking at the personals!!!!<P>I have been thinking about this alot and I can't see this marriage surviving. It seems as if I am the only one trying here. I feel that this blaintant disregard for my feelings says it all. I will not sit back and allow myself to be a victim again!!! I know that one of the problems here is that he has a very high opinion of himself and he thinks that I will always be here and never leave him. <P>I can understand how he feels that way because I have always been very co-dependent but not anymore. Those 6 months that we were separated and I was on my own... I learned alot about being on my own and to tell you the truth at the very end... I think I was beginning to like it some.<P>I told him when we got back together that it wouldn't take another affair to make me throw in the towel... it would only take suspicion. He doesn't take anything I say seriously and he really does take me for granted.<P>As a matter of fact a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he knew the drill and that I would throw him out and then come running behind him begging him to come back. And that if he left... where would that leave me? As he is the real financial supporter in the family. I only work a few hours a week. <P>So... although I hate it... I am dependent on him financially. YUK!!! I was lookuing for a job the past couple of weeks but the daycare expenses made it impossible for me to obtain a job that would leave any pay in my pocket at the end of the week. So the idea was to wait until they both go to school in the fall.<P>Now I am wondering how I can last that long. What do I do now??? I just don't know. Then I think about my kids... especially our 8 year old. When we were separated before, she used to pray for God to bring me a man that would love me and treat me the way I deserved to be treated. But when her father and I got back together, she was tickled pink. <P>This last X-mas, she told my sister that this was the best Christmas ever because she had both her mommy and her daddy and they loved each other again. I came home one day from work and I was telling my H about someone who was talking about getting a divorce and she overheard the word divorce and freaked out... she thought we were getting a divorce. Another time we were arguing and she asked me if we were getting a divorce. The point is that our separation a year ago has left a scare on her and I am afraid how this could affect her. <P>Also our 3 year old, before my H and S were not very close but since we have gotten back together their bond has strengthened a great deal and for my S... the sun rises and sets on his fathers head.<P>Why is he doing this? I don't mean to make him sound like a terrible man because he really isn't. He just seems to take me for granted and won't be considerate of my feelings when they conflict with his own wants. To me... that isn't love; maybe for himself but sure not for me.<P>I just can't believe this!!! When I am thinking about this... I get more and more confused about it. He has been more loving and affectionate but I can't live with this other stuff. I have had to deal with so much crap over the years, him living his own little life and multiple affairs... I just can't go through that again. I will leave and run as far as I can from him before I will let him put me through that again; and I really feel that it is coming and that it is only a matter of time until I find myself right back in the same boat. And this time maybe I will be lucky enough to get something out of it like AIDES or something.<P>I don't know what else to say right now... I just really needed to vent! I feel as if I am going crazy here. I don't really have any desire for sex... how could I? I find that him looking at that stuff as being totally disrespectful, degrateing and when he has been looking at that crap and then wants to come and rub up against me.... it really turns my stomach.<P>I am a good woman... I know I have my faults just like everyone else but I come from the old school and I just would like to be taken care of instead of the one taking care, I would like to be considered first instead of fitted in, I would like to be a priority instead of a inconvience. I want to be really really loved and cherished instead of used and tolerated.<P>I want a to be respected, loved, treated the way a woman should be. I come from the old school here and I have to believe that there are still men out there that can be good to a woman and honor a good woman as we should be. There are so many little tramps out there that I have really come to the conclusion that a hard woman is hard to find but they don't seem to be as hard to find as a good man.<P>Sorry for rambling... just needed to get it out before he gets out of bed.<P>Thank you my friends for listening.<P>Genie

Oh, Genie. I'm sorry for your pain. Did you and your H ever go for counseling? His affair & now these porn sites are basically symptoms of the same problem. His behavior in not speaking to you, nor respecting your wishes also needs to be worked out if your marriage is to survive. Would he be open to calling Steve Harley? Or seeing anyone?<P>Unfortunately, until you get to the roots of the problem...it will keep surfacing. And, as someone who is on the verge of divorce by my choice, it drains your lovebank and trust in a terrible way.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

Genie,<P>It really sounds like you have a lot to be upset about. I know that your husband looking at the photos of the other women is certainly distasteful, but, if you can, try to realize that what he may be doing is just trying to satisfy a legitimate need in an illegitimate manner. <P>As hard as it is, probably what you need to do is try to identify that need and meet it. I really don't think you can do this on your own. You should probably have a counselor help both of you to solve this. <P>I, of course, could be wrong, but that is my opinion. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You,<BR>John

Hi Genie,<P>I am sorry that this sad post of yours is the reason that we communicate again. I am not sure what to say; I wish that I could suggest you to "hang in" and try to make things work, but I wonder if your H would be willing to try... counseling... keeping promises... really trying? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My H and I have been in recovery now for almost 1 year but I think that I have come to the end of my rope.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>It seems that YOU have recovered, you have learned a lot (I still remember how much that post of yours helped me- it didn't help my relationship with the W though <g>, it takes 2 to gather...), you have grown a lot, have become a better person, more independent and stronger. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>My H has become addicted to XXX sites... this upsets me... His attitude is that what I don't know won't hurt me and that at least he isn't out running around on me again...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Our cases are dramatically different, but it would had helped me to learn which fantasies my W had; although I wouldn't had given in on you-know-what, we would had had the possibility to try alternate experiences on a one-to-one basis and spice up our intimate life. What is it that attracts your H to those sites, could there be something (some THINGS) that the two of you could agree on trying? <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>... 15 minutes of me talking as he refused to communicate with me at all. I said what I had on my mind and what was in my heart and I had nothing else to say. Shortly after the conclusion, he left.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>He feels attacked and you are not communicating; is his baggage too heavy? Think about which other demons could be hiding in the closet, the answer is probably there.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>One of the other promises that he has broken is... about not going to any bars unless we were together. As that is where he did ALOT of his playing around.... a promise that he has broken many many times. As a matter of fact I even addressed that topic also. So what did he do? When he left he went to another damn bar!!! Slap in my face? I think so.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>As a suggestion, when communicating your feelings to him regarding something you don't like, do not address two topics at once, he may feel attacked and run away yes, slapping you on the face, or maybe he just ran to the bar because it seems to be for us guys a place where we can talk about how bad one's life is.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>He came in... I got off the computer so I could spend time with him... well, he got on the computer... to see... what I had been doing, as if I had something to hide. <P>Well, ... I have been... learning alot about where he has been going on this computer.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Ts, ts, ts... sneaking? Trust?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>... I can't see this marriage surviving... I am the only one trying... feel that this blaintant disregard for my feelings says it all. I will not sit back and... be a victim again!!!... he has a very high opinion of himself and he thinks that I will always be here and never leave him. <P>... I have always been very co-dependent... Those 6 months that we were separated... I learned alot about being on my own and... I was beginning to like it...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>SO???<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I told him when we got back together that it wouldn't take another affair to make me throw in the towel... it would only take suspicion. He doesn't take anything I say seriously and he really does take me for granted.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Genie, excuse me for asking, but if " it would only take suspicion" to call it quits, was this real recovery? Doesn't recovery require that one gives 100%? Obviously your H hasn't, but if you are not willing to try (again) 100% you and your children will probably be better off on your own.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>...he told me... that I would throw him out and then come running behind him begging him to come back... that if he left... where would that leave me? As he is the real financial supporter in the family. I only work a few hours a week. <P>... I am dependent on him financially... I was lookuing for a job... but the daycare expenses made it impossible for me to obtain a job that would leave any pay in my pocket at the end of the week<P>... I am wondering how I can last that long... I think about my kids... especially our 8 year old....<P>...she told my sister that this was the best Christmas ever because she had both her mommy and her daddy and they loved each other again... our separation a year ago has left a scare on her and I am afraid how this could affect her. <P>... our 3 year old... since we have gotten back... for my S... the sun rises and sets on his fathers head. ...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Sorry, Genie, but these are excuses: there are laws that protect the children. Yes, they are harmed by divorce (I know, my parents divorced when I was 5), but it is more painful for children who live within a marriage where there is no love, trust, affection, communication, respect (I also know this: my parents remarried when I was 10 and when they separated again 3 years later both my brother & I were actually happy).<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>... He has been more loving and affectionate but I can't live with this other stuff.... him living his own little life and multiple affairs... I just can't go through that again. I will leave and run as far as I can from him before I will let him put me through that again...I really feel that it is coming and that it is only a matter of time until I find myself right back in the same boat. And this time maybe I will be lucky enough to get something out of it like AIDES or something.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Communication again, Genie. Try to get counseling... together. If he doesn't accept to join you then go to counseling on your own. No matter how this turns out your children do and will need a strong mother.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>... I know I have my faults... but I come from the old school and I just would like to be taken care of instead of the one taking care... I want to be really really loved and cherished instead of used and tolerated.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Your husband, is he from the "old" school or the new one? I don't know to which school I belong but I also like to be taking care of, to be loved and to be cherished... I also like to take care of, to love and to cherish...<P>I really hope for you, your husband and most important, for your children, that this turns out to be the best for all. look within your heart and you'll find the answer. I really wish I could be of any help.<P><B>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{GENIE}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</B><P>Alex<P>------------------<BR><B>Live fully and always learn</B>

Genie,<P>Thanks for replying to my post over on the recovery forum.<P>Genie, you have tried to do this recovery thing on your own. Please listen: YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL ADVICE ON THIS SITUATION.<P>I know it is a financial hardship for you, but so is a divorce. Everyone who has posted about using the Harley phone counseling has said good things bout it. Even in one session you could get suggestions or work out a plan. The internet porn, unfortunately, is not an uncommon problem. I imagine the Harleys have dealt with couples on this and would have some suggestions for you right off the bat.<P>Don't throw a year of recovery away without trying to get some professional help with this.<P>Good luck, Genie. I'll be praying for you.

Genie<BR>I am so sorry this is happening. All of these wise people have given you some good advice. If you can't get H to go to a counselor go for yourself at first.<P>I am going through some very similar things here. That is why I have such a hard time saying the word "recovery". Some days it seems more like "avoidance" of the problems than recovery. I think our Hs are a bit remedial. With mine, the porn is a minor problem. Here it is the bars and booze.<BR>Last night it was 5 hours at the bar. Tonight he has made arrangements to meet someone else there. My Irish is up. <P>I have made an appt. with a new counselor and am very anxious. Sometimes it is just not healthy to sit and hope that things will blow over. <P>You have done so much work for your marriage. Have you done anything for you? Can you take a little bit of time to concentrate on you separate from the marriage without making any major decisions?<BR>Just a couple of days even to get yourself healthy?<P>Think about counseling for yourself to start with. Be kind to Genie.

Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate the suggestions. I talked to my H again today about this. But I really don't know that it made much difference, I guess time will only tell.<P>I was angry this morning, I vented here and pulled myself together before talking to him. I don't know what is going to happen here. We went to counseling once before and he went about 3 times and then refused to go again but I did continue to go on my own for awhile, but follow through is a big problem. Afterall, you can't expect much of anything to help if you quit before you ever get started.<P>Thanks again for your replies... I really do appreciate the friendships that I have found here. I just wanted to let you all know that I am feeling a little better tonight.<P>Genie

Genie<P>I remember you from over a year ago - it's nice to see you still around, but I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well.<P>I was registered under a different name back then, and only recently started lurking again. I've now been divorced about eight months, and my ex remarried a little over three months ago. From the bits and pieces I'm getting from the kids, I don't expect her new marriage to last the year.<P>Anyway, I know how hard you've tried to make things work. I just thought I'd let you know how things are from the other side of divorce. I think it's a lot like dying -- nobody really know what happens until after they've gone through it. It was pretty tough in the beginning, but to be quite honest, I'm happier now than I've been in years. It wasn't what I wanted, but now that I've gone through it, I feel better about myself and my future than I have in years.<P>I just want you to know that, if and when you reach the point where you really don't believe your marriage is salvagable, don't think that's the end of your life. It might be just the beginning of something new and wonderful.

Genie,<P>What's happening old friend ?

Hi Genie,<P>I had gathered up a lot of info on 'sexual addiction', but it was in the form of an email & I think my internet provider deleted it. Anyway, there is such a thing, and it is a serious addiction, and must be treated by professionals. Go into a search site such as Yahoo, or AskJeeves and do a search on sexual addiction. There is a lot of info out there on the subject and the illness has only recently been formally acknowledged. Within the last ten years.<P>It sounds to me like your husband needs help. But, like with any addiction, if they don't think they have a problem, sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they will agree to some help. <P>One of the articles I read listed several signs of sexual addiction. Geez, I wish I still had it!!<P>Anyway, hope this helps a wee bit. Hang in there. You've been a source of inspiration to me.

InShock...<P>I tried to e-mail you but it was returned as undeliverable. Let me know what the address is again. It said something about my e-mail being refused or blocked or something like that.<P>Hope to hear from ya<BR>Genie

Hi Genie,<P>Sidney is right. SA is a real and true (and very frustrating) issue. My H and I are counselling with Steve in the hopes of rebuilding. Problem is, like Sidney said,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>if they don't think they have a problem, sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they will agree to some help.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is the unfortunate truth, one that was reiterated earlier today when I spoke with Steve. It's not over yet though - I've got MB ammo and I'm pulling out all the stops until I can let it go. Best advice if you can is to Plan A. Just as affairs are addictions, so seems this. I understand how hard it is when you are dealing with all of this and trying to Plan A at the same time. This was the crux of our session today. Ugggggggggggh! (Sorry to vent on your vent - it feels good though).<P>Happy to share if you like. I have many great sites that have proved invaluable to my learning about all this cr@p.<P>Cheers,<BR>Lisa