I know this is the weekend and not a lot going on here. So I though it would bee a great time to stand here and scream!!!!!!!<P>I am thrilled to know that my H loves me, I am thrilled to know that he dosen't want a divorce. I am thrilled that he want me to wait for him whoooooooppppppps That is a problem. <P>Wait, what does he mean by that????? That could be a problem. I have been waiting for a year now since D Day. He said wait for him to get his head together what the H*!! does he think I have been doing all this time. <P>My life is horrible just as I think I can move forward I get put into this spin that I can't get out of. Don't get me wrong I want my H back I want to make our marriage work. BUt I want a life. <P>I am now back in the same place what am I supposse to do??? Look for a permament job? Where? He has already told me he want to keep his job. What am I suppose to do? I can't look there unless I move back there (which I don't want to do) I can't move back with out a job Circles UUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!<P>He mad some comment about her family WHy the H*!! are they important what difference does it make if he walks out on them, he walked out on his own flesh and blood!!!!!!!! It didn't matter to him at that time.<P>I don't know where he is coming from and where he is going!!!!I can't take this saying he loves me but still living with her!!!!! I can't do this!!!!!!! I am ready to explode, I want a life. I don't know what I am supposse to do anymore!!!!!!!!I am afraid that no matter what I do it will be wrong!!!! I am afraid to say anything to him because he resents it (we had problems all last summer because I wanted to talk about it and he didn't he got real resentful) so that is a major LB. Can't do that. But I need to know where I stand and what is expected from me!!!!!!. I don't function well if I don't know what I am suppose to be doing. <P>I want to know what is keeping him there with her!!!!!!!!! I need to know so I know what to do. If it just the fact that his car isn't running and he has no place to go then that can be fixed. <P> If it is more then that. I need to know what the tie is. If he still cares for her, then I need to know that. If he still has feelings for her then I know what I can do. Take a step backward pick my self up and do what I was doing before he told me that he loved me. That would be getting a new life without him. <P>No I won't divorce I will go back into a long distance plan A then soon change it to a plan B. <P>Okay I am having a very BAD day here. Those you know me, know about my FIL who by the way is back in ICU, my father, and everything else. Well, we are having a family get together for S' birthday, D and her family, and H will all be there at MIL's house. STRESS!!!!!! Not to stressed out am I.<P>I have lost a year of my life, I jsut don't want to loose anymore. I want this to bve over and done with. I feel I am close but I would like to see and end in sight. H hold the key to the door to the end of this. I just need a better idea of a time frame. Yes I am one of those people. <P>Sorry this is so long but I thought if I could just get some of this out of my system before I saw him I could deal with all of this better. <P>I just don't know what to do!!! Is that the understatement of the year or what? <P>Sorry to bend your ear or make your eyes tired from reading this. I wish I could say I felt better but I don't know. I just ned to know what he expects from me but I feel it might be a LV to ask and I am not sure he knows!!!<P>Thanks<P><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>Just came on and saw this..not sure what time your get together is, but wanted to say to take some deep breaths and just act like you have been the last few times you have seen him......<P>Take some relax time with the family today.....your nerves have been stretched with everything that is going on with the fathers illnesses, H, work concerns, etc. Don't think today!!!!<P>Let things flow their natural course - can you do that?<P>When in doubt of a direction, do nothing and see what develops. <P>I am just putting this here quick, so you see it before you go - hopefully!!<P>I have more for you about what you wrote and will write another post soon....have to collect my ideas about what to do.<P>BIG HUGS, PRAYERS and LOVE to you - no go enjoy your kids and grandkids!!!!<P>Sheba

Hey, Friend....take a DEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPP breath! Boy, am I glad I was cruising and saw this post.<P>OK, so you and H have obviously talked again and he is still "gun-shy" for lack of a better word. Diana, you MUST continue to have patience. He has told you he wants to come back, and he is wrestling now with what it is he knows he must do to come back home. Remember Lori's story with her H and PT???? Look - it took Lori's H several months to come home after she was getting the word from her MIL that he was saying being with PT was a mistake and that he wanted to go home to Lori.<P>Your H has to get himself out of this mess. Part of it will be the guilt of leaving the OW. I know to us this should be a no-brainer, but still, he did care for her and probably still does to some degree. There will most likely be some guilt involved. Doesn't matter how easily it seemed that he walked out on you and your kids, it just seems like he might have some guilt associated with leaving her.<P>Continue to pray and practice patience. Don't do anything in your impatience to ruin all the hard work and the great foundation you have been laying, Diana. I can imagine this is so very hard for you, after all the time you have already waited. Yet, you do have a H who wants to come home. I have waited longer than you and what I have is a divorce pending. I know you are ready for closure. Everyone in this situation, from one day post-dioscovery to those who have been in limbo for months or years...we ALL want resolution and closure.<P>Keep praying, vent here and practice even more patience, Diana. Your prayers are being answered, but God has given you a different time frame than you would like, my friend!<P>Love you, Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Just wanted you to know that Igot your messages. I amat the in laws waiting for everyone to get here. H is very late but surely he would have called if she wouldn't let him come???? All this is doing is making me more whatever. <P>Sheba, I will be waiting to read what you have for me if you want my email is diseiler@hotmail.com<P>Desiree, I have talked to him Wed, thru Fri. night this week keeping him update on his dad. I did ask if we could talk today and his comment was yeah, we could do that. Not too encouraging it is. YUCK!!!! He is the biggest conflict avoider of all!!!!<P> I do know that Sat. he spent the day at OW's parents house doing some kind of work. I just want him away from there as soon as possible. That is the whole problem I want him away from them. They are so disfunctional, OW has a lesbian sister and a brother that wife has had at least tow abortions (their idea of birth control). And a mother who stand in the middle of the floor stops her feet and yells when people don''t do what she wants. <P>Don't get me started. Thanks for your support I will let you know what happens later. We be looking to here from you Sheba.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>So, how did your visit go? Will be back to read all about it.....<P>I pretty much was going to say the same as RMA (Hi there RMA, haven't talked with you in a long time...how are you?).<P>You must have patience, Di. He has been popping his head out of the fog from time to time....that is the way it begins when they are coming back - but that IS ALL it is at this point. A beginning!!!! <P>Go back to Lostva's posts, as RMA suggests.....this could take awhile and you don't want to be this emotionally strung out about it for a long time - do you? You'd be too wiped out when it's really time for you to be strong (like for any withdrawal he may have, etc.)<P>You can't push, Di. That would be a bad move.....could scare him. You want to be steady and strong in what you want for your life - remember that he will be weak. You may have to lead with the love for awhile when he finally does emerge from all this.<P>He is still confused....don't forget that. Deep down he may know what he wants, but he has a lot of muck to wade through to realize it. It's been that way through this whole nightmare, he is just starting to notice that the truth is in his heart. He has to let it surface. Give him the time for that. Don't make him commit before he has completely discovered his truth....or he may bury it again.<P>We don't want that to happen, right?<P>Slow and steady......time and patience.<P>As far as the job, house, etc.....if you need the money - get a job!!! If you don't want to move back to the house for whatever reason - think of alternatives for that. What would YOU like to do?<BR>What would benefit both you and H when the time is right to start the rebuilding?<P>What you should also have figured out is where your own emotions truly are as far as the affair. Have you forgiven him? Have you come to an understanding of what infidelity does to a person (fantasy, escape, yada, yada)? Will you hold it over him or can you just look to fixing the root cause? <P>Would you want him to go to counseling before coming back? Would you want to implement MB into your marriage with him? <P>What's your plan? What have you changed? What possitives can you offer to help him see a better marriage ahead?<P>See, there's a lot you have to do to be ready for the big day.....don't be in such a rush!!!! <P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

The day went great concerning, we ahd one what thought to be a small tornado, hail and a lot of rain.<P>He got there late. I had a card that was one of encouragement that said that I promised I would be there for what ever he wanted me to be.<P>BUt first he scared me. He came and wanted to show me our house on the internet(real Estate) I walked out (sun shining at this time) He followed I aske if he still wanted to sell the house no but he was sure if we could break the contract but he will call to find out. So I gave him my card. It broke the ice. We talked he wants to get his car fixed now so he can move into our house I asked about things he would need he said I have friends that would let me borrow till you move back. He wants out of her house. We made plans. He also told me that he is on a stronger antidepressent and he started in Nov. and it has really made a difference.<P>We talked bout counseling he would go alone and with me. We talked about how I didn't feel comfortable about moving back there. But we kind of put that on hold. I didn't push but explained my feelings and concerns. He offered to change to another depart. or change shift. he even said he would look for a job in another town. <P>But first things first getting a car and then getting him out of her house. I did ask if she knew what was going on. He said no but she suspected something because she keeps asking him if s=he is going to stay with her. <P>Best thing when he left he reached for me to give me a kiss we then hugged and neither one wanted to let go. <P>I have to go to bed I just wanted to up date you all . And Sheba thanks for the posted I read it but I don't think it really soaked in. I wanted to let you know what happened and I am so tired. I will reread it tomorrow when I get home from work.<P>Thanks both of you for your support.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Hi SDS -<P>Glad to hear that things went well!!!<P>Very happy to see that there was so much discussed!!! And that it happened so naturally and without any pushing!!!<P>That's fantastic!!!!<P>Just a little while longer....you can be patient that long - right?<P>Good going Di!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hi SDS -<P>Just checking in to see how you are doing today......<P>So, how are you?<P>How are the Fathers coming along?<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

Hey! Sorry I've been gone for a while. I'll send an e-mail and explain. <P>Sounds like things are looking up for you ( at least a little bit). I know the waiting must be horrible for you. I hope that it will be worth it and that you will get everything you want!<P>You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sheba,<P>I just posted about my phone call with H.<P>But I wanted to post here too. I have been thinking a lot. H told me he has been on 40mg of paxil since Nov. that is when he started contacting his family. ANyway all of long I have said that he has been sick. Mentally ill. I guess that is how I have looked at this whole affair thing. If he had been in his right mind he would have never had done this. This is so far away from who he has always been, that it did blow my mind. I felt like i have been in a drea this whole time. <P>Also know what I went through a few years ago. I didn't have an affair but I don't know if that was because there was no opportunity. I would hope that I would have been strong enough to say no but I really don't know I was in such deep depression. <P>I don't think I will hold it over him. I haven't been that type of person in the past. I hope I am not in the future. Very rarely do I throw up something that has happened in the past. I hope we can work on our problems together.<P>I have already talked to him about counseling. He knows that I want him to go someone and and I want us to go to marriage counseling. I will also go myself. In fact I plan to insist that before I move back that he starts counseling. <P>Changes I hope I have made some the problem is I am not sure what changes I need to make.<BR>I felt that he felt threatened by me being strong. I am not sure that I want to change that but I do know that I need to turn to him for my strength rather then rely on myself completely. I think some other changes were coming before he left he just didn't wait around to see them. Since my surgery a year ago last Feb. I have had more energy to do things then I have had in along time. <P>But most important, I have decided not to worry about what and how things are going to happen. I will take one step at a time and enjoy being courted again. Plus since I decided that I would turn everything over to God and let him deal with it all, things have been falling into place. I just have to keep reminding myself of this and let go. <P>So I know things will work out the way they are suppose to.<P>Thank you so much You can email me anytime with your great advice diseiler@hotmail.com, I would love to chat with you.<P>SW,<BR>I have been wondering where you were but assume you went to FL. Please email me with an update.<P>Things have been really moving here lately.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>