I know this to be fact. I had been doing extremely well with Plan A. My wife was responding well to me and we even talked about things in our future together. After a session with my psychologist, I was on cloud nine. I had told him that I wanted to begin the forgiveness process, for my own peace of mind. His advice was, "If you don't forgive her, will it make her "Un-do" what she has done?" I laughed and realized that I should forgive my wife for her infidelity. I did not tell her I was doing this. I felt so relieved and more in love with her than ever before. She even commented to me that I seemed different, sort of relieved. I was, for the first time in a long time, loving her without letting the fear of not being loved back interfere.<P>Well, all that seemed to change on Sunday. I overheard her mention that she might want to work on Monday (which is the day that the OM visits her work). Her schedule had been changed recently and she was not working on Monday anymore.<P>I lost my mind for about 20 minutes. I yelled at her that she just could not stop hurting me and that she claims to not be able to make decisions about our life together, but everytime she has contact with the OM she is, in fact making a decision about our relationship. I yelled about how much help I have been seeking to make myself a better man, but she has done absolutely nothing to help herself become a better person. Boy, did I lose it.<P>After calming down, things seemed to go back to normal, we were even intimate on Tuesday. I committed no LBs all week, but by Friday, she told me that she wanted to separate from me. On Saturday, she told my 15 year old daughter that we were planning on separating. It was never my plan! I lost it again. I yelled again. Her reasons for wanting to separate were how I react to bad things. I really have been good at my angry outbursts with the exception of last Sunday and yesterday. The funny thing is, I don't think there would have been the angry outburst that she was so afraid of on Saturday, if she had not told me she wanted to separate because of my angry outbursts. Catch 22? <P>Anyway, last night I suggested that we compromise. I suggested that we work on the process outined in "Surviving An Affair". If we saw no positive results with 6 months, then we could separate. By that time, our car and furniture would be paid off and there would be more expendable income. Her answer was a curt NO. <P>I am in so much pain and grief now I really don't know what to do. I told her last night that I was going to continue as I have been, becoming a better man, continuing therapy, and treating her with all the love that I could until the day that I am made to sign a paper saying that I am no longer her husband.<P>This afternoon, I told her that the greatest way I could show her that I love her is to give her what she wants, with no resistance. I told her that I would always be here for her if she wants to come home. She hasn't moved out yet, and quite frankly, I don't know where she will go, or how. I know that our children and I will be devastated. <P>This may seem like small potatoes to some of you who are living in H*LL everyday with their spouse not even talking to them, or worse yet, showing nothing but contempt, but it still hurts to my soul. I really needed to vent, repent, or whatever here. Any words of wisdom, encouragement, advice are greatly appreciated.

scanman,<P><B>This</B> is not "small potatoes"...<P>When a spouse actually takes the step to leave...<BR>...it becomes a second devastation.<P>Keep to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as long as you can... It's OK that you fell off the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> wagon... get back on.<P>Also... DON'T MOVE OUT YOURSELF!<P>I'm praying for you... <P>Jim

Hi Scanman,<P> Don't beat yourself up, you are a human being and you have a right to be angry.Most likely ,if it wasn't your "angry outbursts" it would be some other reason that she would give to leave. There is not much you can do while the affair is ongoing....and if she is so determined to leave you can bet the affair is ongoing..<P>All the Plan Aing has NOT been in vain...she will remember your actions when the affair ends....Please don't be so hard on yourself.<P>I lost it so many times and right before my H left I called the OW a "homewrecking B.... to her face in front of him(one of many things!!)....He still came back and said I had a right to be so angry..... hang in there Scanman.....LU

Ummm, LBing is the worst for a fragile relationship. <P>I had a similar problem at the begining of last week. <P>I had opened a very hard gate to the horse pasture last weekend and it pinched me near my breast area. It has happened before in the past and has never been a concern before. anyway, after taking a shower "it was discovered". He was so upset, yelled and accused and absolutely freaked out.(like I would be stupid to come home with a hickey <BR>Anyway, the little bit of work that had been accompished, any feelings towards my H, flew out the window. GONE! <P>The hardest part was, I had no defense. I have been guilty of EA/PA so i couln't defend myself. I tried to get him to look at it and see it is not quite the same as the hickey looking things. HUh!<P>When a relationship has had this much damage it doesn't take much to ruin it all over again. But, chin up, if she hasn't left she may have been venting.<P>Good LUck<BR>Mercy

Scanman<P>It does not sound to me from your post that the LB destroyed everything that you work for up to that point. Sounds like she is still there and did not walk out immediately. Stay in there and engage in mega Love Units when the time is right. Go back to your counselor and have him help you with your anger. There must be something he can do to help. Do give up I don't think anyone on MB is giving up for you.<P>Hope and Prayers<P>J W

Scanman:<BR> I bet there's some residual effect of all the Plan A you've been doing. Go back to it. Plan A better than ever, and don't refer to the idea of separation...I am betting she'll change her mind, or at least waver. Show her you are a safe, loving person & that home is the best place to be...<BR> Good luck!<BR>Kathi

I would like to thank everyone for their responses to this post. Here is an update:<P>My wife called me at work today to let me know that she had called the OM's voice mail and told him that she no longer wanted anything to do with him and he should not "hold his breath" waiting for her.<P>After she told me this, she also said that if I feel that I have won something, I am wrong, because I still don't have her. She asked if we could talk tonight to work out the details of our separation. She says that she is afraid of me. I have been very good about the angry outbursts with the exception of last Sunday week and last Saturday. She is, though, the one that determines whether or not she is afraid.<P>So, in one respect, I am very happy that she has made this step, but on the other hand, I feel that I pushed her to this and now she resents me for it and is very afraid of me. she no longer feels that she is in a safe environment.<P>When I left for work, I told her that I love her and she responded with ,"I love you too.", but when she called me today to tell me her news, she told me that she did not know whether or not she wanted to hear that I love her anymore. I said I love you anyway several times during the conversation and again before we hung up. Her response was, "ok". Have I destroyed my chances with her by "pushing" her with my angry outbursts? I am so confused over this whole situation, and am quickly getting emotionally exhausted dealing with the "Roller Coaster".<P><p>[This message has been edited by scanman (edited March 27, 2000).]