H has been great the past 3 weeks. Making plans to spend time with me, doing some of the little things he used to. I too have been trying to do those little things, can only get what I give after all. But I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I like that we're talking more, doing more, but I feel detached, like this wall has gone up. How do I start to get those feelings back? I've taken the first steps, cut off all contact with OM, filled out the Emotional Needs thing which I will ask H to do and then we'll share (little nervous about what he'll do when I ask him to fill out). Is it just that we have seemed to get on the right track so many times before and that I've been let down? Will it just take time? My plan is to stick with trying to show him I appreciate his gestures and do the same in return, in hopes that eventually I can trust that this time the change is for good. Does this sound like it will work?<BR>

You need time. Cutting off contact with the OM is a great step. Of course there is a wall between you and your husband, you built it with disappointments, unmet needs & when you fell in love with someone else.<P>It sounds like your H is trying and like you have read the materials on this site.<P>Other great books:<BR>After the Affair by Springs<BR>Torn Asunder by Carder<BR>The Five Love Languages by Chapman<P>You can fall in love again. But it takes time, effort, and an open heart.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Thank you so much. I feel like I'm headed in the right direction, just needed that little pat of encouragement

You just need some time for the withdrawal to wear off. When things first ended with my OM my husband could have given me the world and all his efforts seemed futile to me.<P>I also believed my husbands changes to be because I wanted him to change not because he wanted to change for me. I felt he was doing the things he was doing because he was told to...I wanted his changes to come naturally.<P>Your husbands efforts will continue to mean more and more if you continue the no contact rule with the OM.

It's the little things that mean so much. The last 4 weeks could be made into a movie for my wife and me. It is like someone turned on a light switch for us so we could see what we have for each other. God does make miracles happen. I'd hate to think we would have gone on living the rest of our lives the way we were had we not found out about each other's infidelities. God lets things happen for a reason. It is so sad that we didn't let each other know how we felt before this.<P>"It's the little things that mean so much!"

Mschif,<P>You sound like my wife. She like you says that she is dead inside after years of not being made to feel like an equal with me. She had an EA (though she is backing off that now) with OM for most of this year. Long long phone conversations and spending time with kids the sameage. She like you says that it was nothing physical just emotional. We are very much like you and that is stuck or in limbo.<P>She says that she loves me and that she likes the new me. But she just can't get the marriage moving from her end. You are in the right place. I would give anything for my wife to get educated on this and see that her feelings are natural after an EA. Anyway your thoughts and feelings about what you are going through are very helpful for husband's wives that are coming off or still in EA's.<P>What has your husband done that works? Do you like to talk more or less about what happen? How do you think that you can move forward? I would interested in your thoughts so that I can incorporated something good into my marriage.

Zip,<P>well, like I said it's only been a couple weeks, and he won't even admit he's changed, but it really is the little things. <P>Example: Said "We have a long weekend over Thanksgiving, how about if I make plans for just you and me to go to our favorite museum?"<P>Usually he makes no effort and/or gives no idication that he wants to do anything with me.<P>Example: Cancelled plans he had to come home early on one of the few weeknights we have off together (although he only said it was becasue he was tired & wanted to go home. I told him I didn't care what the reason, I was glad he did)<P>Example: Talked about our day last night with the TV off!<P><BR>These things make me feel like he cares, that he wants to spend time with me. HOWEVER, having gone through this stage numerous times, I am a bit skeptical. The first few days after I told him I had feelings for OM, we talked only a little bit about it, how I felt, how he understood what caused my heart to stray. Since then, we have not discussed it. My fear is that he now thinks everything is fine. Just because I am not coming home crying doesn't mean everything is OK. That is why I plan on giving him the Questionnaire. I am very nervous about doing so. He has made it clear that he wants no part in counseling, and thinks any type of self analysis is a bunch of crap. Maybe he's afraid of what he'll find. I'm afriad he won't take it seriously and will either not fill it out, or not be honest if he does. He has said numerous times that he understands that I THINK we have a problem in the relationship, but he doesn't see anything and that since I'm unhappy, I need to go fix whatever is wrong. Now, either I am imagining things like he says, or he's making an effort too. . But I see now that part of the reason they have stopped in the past is that we discuss needs (well, I do, he says I'm doing everything fine,which just makes me feel like the bad guy) but we don't give each other updates and how we're meeting them. I don't know, I hope it works this time cuz I can't go through this again. <BR>Zip, I don't know if any of this helps. I know exactly what your wife is going through, and it's tough. I feel that I have lost the love I had for him.I'm not mad, just indifferent. All I can say is that although I'm feeling a bit numb, all the little things I listed are going into my love bank, I guess I'm just waiting for the deposits to clear. Hopefully we can continue our efforts so that when they do go through they won't bounce. If you can get your wife to come check out this forum, that would be ideal. I have felt so much better knowing I am not alone. It has done wonders for my mental health, and I've been here for a very short time. I know that in the end only I can decide how much is enough to take, but coming here made me realize that if I didn't put everything I had into at least trying, I would always regret it. The support has been great.