I don't think I can go on. I can't take care of my children. I will never be the same. I will never be a whole person again. He has ripped my heart out of me. If I didn't know what it would do to my children and I wasn't so afraid of pain and wondering if I would go to hell I would kill myself and put an end to this pain because I can't go on like this. I don't know why I am writing this here. Can anyone help me?

Dead Inside, you are here because you are hurting. You are here because you want help. You don't want to do, you just want the pain to go away. EVERYONE HERE HAS BEEN WHERE YOU ARE NOW, BELIEVE IT! We never thought we would make it through another day, another minute, another hour due to the pain being so great. Stay here, talk, vent, cry whatever it takes. You didn't post your story, why don't you start from there so we will know your history.

(((((Dead inside))))) <P>You came here for the same reasons we all did. Because we need each other. And because everyone here cares about each other. <P>The suicidal thoughts are not unusual. I think probably everyone here has had them (me included). But you are worth so much more. Your children love you and they need you. <P>Posting here does help. And I'm definately speaking from experience. I feel so much better when I post and reply. Do that! Post some more of your story and thoughts and we will be here to offer advice when we can and love and support always!!<P>Take care,<BR>Mitzi<BR>

For a brief moment, while I was driving around after my wife & I had a fight, I imagined a quick wheel jerk to the right into a telephone pole would solve everything (wife had EA). Obviously, I resisted the urge and drove straight home.<P>Suicide is NOT an option. It is only a means of running away and not facing your problems. It will scar your children for life as well as the others who love you. I have spent my life running from my problems. I have decided to, finally, take a stand and fight them, resolve them and put them to rest forever. I can not say how hard it is at times, but I am determined to succeed. I don't know if I will still be married when this is over but I will emerge a new person. Ready to accept all life has to offer and offer everything I have in return.<P>Please seek help from a pro if your can't overcome the feelings yourself. There are hotlines available and a variety of support groups. Think happy thoughts about your children, friends and family (not your H). Always remember that there are people who love you and will always be there for you.<P>Keep posting too.<p>[This message has been edited by NickM (edited April 22, 2000).]

I am so sorry that you are at this point.<P>The pain is huge and so overwhelming at times, but the truth is, your kids do need you and life simply continues whether you feel capable of coping with it or not. DO NOT entertain thoughts of suicide.<P>This board is wonderful...but you need someone in your life to talk with...a counselor, pastor, supportive friend/relative. You may need to see a doctor to go on anti-depressants to help you deal with your despair.<P>In the mean time, pamper yourself...long baths, candles, music, good meals, exercise (also helps with the depression), read the materials on this site, order the SURVIVING THE AFFAIR book by Harley, play with the kids--run, play ball, go swimming, jump on a tramp, twirl in circles, hike. Anything positive you can think of to shut off the dark thoughts/pain. <P>The pain does lessen. You will someday again feel purposeful and alive.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

First, <BR>You have wonderful children that need you. Whatever you have now to give them is more than you would have if you did something to yourself. <BR>Next, <BR>The pain you are feeling is incredible, the worst you will ever feel. But the pain fades, life goes on, and whether it is with your spouse or someone else, love is there for us all, despite how we feel when we are going through this. Keep strong, do for yourself. Post here and let us help you!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

DI,<P>hold on a minute!!!!!! I know it hurts like hell, but I was once where you are. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not do something so drastic. You said you have kids. Do you want them to grow up without you, always wondering what happened and if they are to blame? Suicide is never an answer to a problem. It is a selfish act that scares the survivor for the rest of thier lives!!!!!<P>Listen, I know what you are going through. When my wife and I split the first time I put a gun in my mouth twice in less than a week. But for some reason I didn't go through with it. I now know why. It was because of my children. As bad as things got, I knew my children loved me and needed me. Yours need you too!!!!! <P>Get yourself some help. Check into a hospital if you need to. There is no shame in it. This is without a doubt the hardest thing you will ever go through in your life, but God loves you and so do we all here. If you just need someone to talk to Email me at bassibh@yahoo.com and I'll give you a number to reach me at. <P>Trust me, it will get better. I can tell you that from experience!!!!<P>Brent<BR>

You are going through a major trauma, be easy on yourself. Go get help today, make an appointment with a counselor, see your doctor, see your pastor or do all three. If you broke your leg you'd get a cast, view this is a similar way, something happened and you need some assistance.<P>Do not dwell on suicidal thoughts, yes many of us have had them, but this is not a solution for any of you. The effect on your children would be profoundly negative and would affect them for the rest of their lives.<BR>It would also adversely affect all those who know and care for you. I still cry over the suicide of a friend that occured 20 years ago.<P>Come back and post some more, there are lots of caring people here who understand your pain and despair and can help you through it.

We all know how painful this is. I thought about suicide also. I was in such a state of shock at my H's sudden bizzaar behavior and meanness to me.<P>I didn't sleep or eat. But I immediately found a counselor and a close friend to talk to. I began to pray intensely!!!!!<P>I don't believe that suicide is an option. I have 2 small children. Already their dad has taught them the wrong lessons in life (at least at this point). I will not!!! <P>I don't know why this has happened to me or you. But I do know this.... My children will learn from my strength and faith.<P>Please, please get help. Post and vent here. find a counselor. Tell us your story and we can help you not feel so alone!!!!!!<P>How old are your children????? Do you have family nearby?????????

Deadinside,<P>I'm so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it can and does get better. Your children need you to try and be strong. I'm sure they are confused too as children feel their parents pain, etc. <P>Posting here has helped me get through A LOT of really bad days where I didn't think I could stand any more pain. Everybody here understands what you are going through and feeling. We have all been there. <P>Please post away. I really helps to express what you feel. Also, you are able to get opinions on how to handle your situation. <P>Since you did not post your story, I am not familar with you situation. Whatever your situation, you cannot change someone else...only yourself. That that can be a start to a new beginning. After all I've been through with my H, I believe I have learned a lot and have become a stronger, better person. <P>I don't know how you feel about medication, but I am currently on antidepressants and they work wonders. I think there are quite a few of us here that are on them. At first, I didn't want to take them, but I am so glad I did. Just a thought <P>Hang in there and take care of yourself.<P>Tulip

Hold on. I've been where you're at - and I'm still here. First - destroy the notion that without him, you are nothing. You are many things. As to how to go on, you do it one step at a time. You have been a good mother to your children, there is no reason to think that would stop.<P>You have, in whatever period of time, for whatever reason, lost the ability to believe in yourself as an individual. And now you look at what seems to be many pieces of you, spread around all over the place, and the thought of starting over is appalling and dreadful. That's another mistake. There is no reason to start over. You merely go on. You continue forward. Whatever has happened has occurred for a reason - ending your life because of your feelings of worthlessness would only prove at a time you could not appreciate it, just how wrong you were. Your children need you. Whatever you are going through as an adult who understands the complexities of adult situations, their minds are clueless and confused. <P>Finding your inner strength may well take all of what you have left. But it is in you and noone else. You have allowed yourself to feel valuable as a person so long as you felt needed and loved. No person can give you value. Value comes from inside of you, from the things you do, from who you are. Value from being the best parent you can be, even if it doesn't involve an apron and cookies. Being your children's mother and defender. Value from appreciating some of the things you can do for yourself and others. <P>Somebody made you believe, at some point, that you were only valuable as long as they said you were, and they were there to remind you. But they weren't always there, and there were times that you were alone, single, growing up, that you were alone and valuable all by yourself.<P>Please don't think about ending your life. It's a decision you can't take back. This time in your life is temporary - it will pass.<P>Write me if you like, I got through it on my own, as a single parent and you wouldn't believe me if I told you I was much better for it, but I truly am.<P>

Dead Inside -<P>Let's hear from you.....we are very concerned and we care and want to help!!!<P>This is very fresh pain....all of us need time to heal from it. Do not be hasty!!! <P>We will help you through this.<BR>We will show you that your situation is not impossible to work through.<P>Your H made a bad choice - he did it without thinking clearly. We will help you find out why.......<P>You don't want to make a bad (and permanant) choice to hurt your kids even further - do you? OF course you don't!!<P>Now come back here and talk to us...we have been known to send out the National Guard, you know!!!!!<P>BIG HUGS, STRENGTH and PRAYERS are sent out to you,<P>Sheba<P><BR>

Dead Inside<P>I am going to keep this at the top hoping you will come back and talk to all of us. Everyone in the above post has offered good advice and they have all been at the same point that you are at right now. You don't have to be the betrayed to feel like you would be better off dead. Some betrayers have felt the same way also. WE ALL HURT BECAUSE OF INFIDILITY. But, we have made it.<P>Please come back and post again. There is one thing about this site. We are all friends here, no matter which side we came from. We are all thinking about you and hoping tomorrow will bring a better day.<P>fs

Thank you all so much for caring about me. I have not done anything drastic and hope I will not. I know how selfish that would be to my children. I talked to a psychologist today after I emailed my sister-in-law and she took me there. My story is this... my husband had a PA with a stranger eight months ago while I was eight months pregnant. He is here and wants to work it out. I don't know if it is possible. Thank you all for caring.

Dead Inside,<BR>First of let me give you a hug......I have been there. I attempted suicide while my H was still at home. I was hurting so bad...thought I could no longer deal with the pain that haunted me all day.....into the night.....the pain that gripped my heart first thing in the morning. Although I did not want to die.....I just wanted the pain to stop.<P>A couple bright spots came out of that attempt.....and I could have had that brightness without the attempt....<P>First and foremost....I would have devastated my children. I am so happy to be alive and see their bright, shining faces. I am even happy to hear their fighting. LOL<P>Second...I was admitted to the local stress center. Had some really good counseling there. When I was allowed to leave I was in intensive group therapy for a month. Found out later that I could have done all of this without a suicide attempt.<P>Listen...I am on the verge of "being" divorced now. I am also on the verge of losing my children....in large part to my suicide attempt.<P>You know what.....I am here....I smile....I laugh....that pain is almost gone. Sure, it comes and goes.....but only stays for a short time.<P>I am NOT on any anti deps. I have learned to cope. They taught me such great skills at the stress center.<P>You will make it with or without him. I am LIVING proof.<P>Please e-mail me if you have any questions. This is really hard for me to explain and sometimes hard for me to talk about. But you will be ok.....really you will.<P>Hugs...<P>Nancy<P>Kenizanasshl@aol.com

I was where you were just a few months ago. Had the gun loaded, wrote the note, fed my dogs and cat. The first time, I managed to convince myself I could wait till morning to do it. The second time (a few days later), I was lucky that my friend and neighbor came home, who escorted me to the campus counselor. <P>I know how you feel. <P>First, please have a friend help you remove all items from your house that could be used to hurt yourself. Guns, knives, razors, painkillers, scissors, rope, or whatever your planned method included. Removing the means to hurt yourself helps when you are feeling especially vulnerable.<P>Second, please get help ASAP. There are free resources, including the internet, where you can talk to someone who understands and is non-judgemental.<P>Give your schedule to someone you trust who can check in on you from time to time. Try to be with people at the times you feel most vulnerable. My worst times were in the morning and in the evenings. My neighbor would join me on dog walks or just drop by during those times. <P>You can make it through this. You don't need to think about next week or next month. Just think "today, I choose to live." Then say that the next day, then the next. <P>Alot of people recommend anti-depressants during this part, and have found great relief. I used St. John's Wort and Rescue Remedy, which seemed to help. <P>

Dead Inside,<BR> You do not want to end your life!What you want is for the PAIN to go away.REALISE that there is a difference.Everybody here knows that PAIN.It's almost unbearable,you can't eat,you can't sleep,you don't want to get out of bed.You just want to curl up into a ball and die.But you don't need to die,you don't really want to die.You just want the pain to go away.<BR> Have you ever had extensive surgery?I have.It hurt so bad afterwards,that I"felt"it would be easier to just die.But I knew it would heal,I knew it would get better.What you are going through is"Emotional Pain".Think of it as extensive surgery of the heart.The only problem with Emotional Pain,is there is no painkiller to numb it.BUT,like physical pain,it WILL heal.IT will get better.Please believe me!<BR> My W of 22 years left me for a man 15 years younger than me.I NEVER knew pain like this existed!Like you,I wanted to die.But,trust me,there is a STRENGTH in you that you never even knew was there!I found I was strong enough,NOT to pull the trigger.If it's in someone like me,I know it's in you,too.<BR> You DO need support,right now more than ever.Keep posting.Learn things here,that you never knew before.We WILL teach you how to be strong,and you WILL make it through this.Don't go away,keep talking to us.<BR> --Murph

DI,<P>Believe everything you have read. It is the pain that you want to go away, not your life. I too am a survivor of suicide attempts. I ended up chained to a bed two times and finally out of fear for my own life checked into the hospital for 4 days. <P>Post here for support, your marriage can work again, if you and your h wants it to. You need to get over your anger before you can forgive. Just try to think of it as a fresh start and work hard on your self esteem. That is really the key. You need to validate yourself and know that even without your h you are going to be ok! I have to agree that meds really turned it around for me. I hardly ever get depressed any more. Yes my marriage fell apart, yes it was extremely hard on my children. But you know what, I am happier, more content and accept myself flaws and all and know that I will be loved again. It is work, but with the help from people here on the board, you can hang in. Take care and talk to someone and be safe.<P>Gerri

Dead Inside,<P>Your my only post tonight...<P>You haven't heard it enough...<BR>None of us have...<P><B><I>YOU ARE LOVED...<BR>SO LOVED...</I></B><P>by everyone here...<BR>There isn't a heart who read your post and was left untouched...<BR>...because almost everyone one of us has considered this as a real option...<BR>some have come much too close...<P>And then we come to the realization... <B>it is NOT</B> an option!<P>When you get stuck again with these feelings...<BR>call your psychologist...<BR>...if you can't get through.. post here...<BR>...if there is no one here... check out...<BR><A HREF="http://suicidal.com/suicidecrisiscenter/" TARGET=_blank>Suicide Crisis Center... 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.psycom.net/depression.central.suicide.html/" TARGET=_blank>Suicide and Suicide Prevention</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.newlife.com/info.asp#gethelp" TARGET=_blank>1-800-NEW-LIFE</A><P>I'm praying especially for you tonight... <P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited March 27, 2000).]

Dead Inside,<BR>What you are feeling is so very real and overwhelming. Make sure that you keep talking to you sister in law. Keep going to the phyc. It is quite possible that you are getting a double whammy because of your h betrayal and just having had a baby. The baby blues are very real and nothing to be ashamed about. Get the help that you need. You are a very special person and God will carry you through all of this. Search the scriptures for the reminders of all God has promised us. He has not promised us that all will be easy, but he has promised us that he will give us nothing that we cannot get through with His help. Seek Him constantly to get through this. Until I had to face my h's affair, I did not understand what it was to totally rely on the Lord. Keep posting and remember that your children do need you, your h needs you, but most of all, God has a specific plan for you and He needs you. ((((((Hugs))))))