Anyone have any advice on this one? Cat and I discussed why she still wants OM and why she will never want me the same way and she basically said that he filled her love bank the first time the way she really wanted it filled and that is true. I failed miserably for years and now that I know how, is it too late?<P>Do you ever get over that feeling of your first true love? Do those feelings fade with time and especially since there won't be any love busters to reduce them? Can another person replace those feelings or will they always be second fiddle?<P>On another note, how do I keep going when I know I will never be "the one" for Cat? If she stays, I will always feel that she is "settling" for me and for the kids and that she will have given up her her chance for real happiness with the man she truly loves.<P>Sorry for the pity party, there was some accidental contact a couple of days ago and has thrown us for a loop, probably more me than her. <P>So any advice or he11 even a pick me up would be greatly appreciated. <P>------------------<BR>

Sparky,<P>Yes, you do get over you first love. Most people do in fact. They remember it fondly because they usually don't marry the first love, but believe me they do get over it.<P>Cat, is still really starting the withdrawl and this is a set back as stated in Harley books. She will bounce back and so can you. This takes time so don't panic.<P>It takes roughly a year to get over something like this. It says so in the Harley books and others. From personal experience anytime people move or leave people they like it takes a year to adjust to new situations. <P>Your situation with Cat is much newer than the affair, Sparky. Think about that, you and Cat will need time to recover. You have a history together and children together, but you current relationship is new. <P>Be patient and let the seeds of your new relationship grow. OK? She won't settle for you, believe me. She will want you when she decides to stay with you.<P>God Bless Both of You,<P>JL

I didn't marry my first true love, but I remember it being really hard to get over. Not as hard as this but very very very hard. <P>You filled her love banks once no matter what she says or thinks right now. You can do it again<P>Take heart<P>J

JL is so right...you are way too early in this to know what she will be feeling tomorrow, much less a year from now. <P>I would venture a guess that her love bank was so filled up because for whatever reason this guy knew how to fill it...rather than any particular character trait. <P>Then we add in those fickle new relationship "in love" tingles and we "think" this is the real deal for a lifetime. Not....but it takes some time and/or some effort to figure that out. Your situation is too fresh.<P>I'd like you to shift your thinking from Cat "settled" for you to Cat "choose" you and the family.<P>I think society doesn't place enough reward on doing the "right" thing especially when it is harder or maybe doesn't "feel" good at the time the decision is made. You know...like the Bridges of Madison County scene? Even before I had the pleasure to experience infidelity first hand, I was horrified and taken by surprise when people in the theater were shouting for her to get in the other car with good old Clint. And disappointed that she stayed with her H and kids.<P>I choose to think it takes strength of character to make a hard choice and do what is "right" when you have to fight off your current feelings. Maybe if you looked at Cat's decision as one of strength, you would feel better about it.<P>Given time and effort, you can make your marriage what you both want it to be. Her decision is better for her and better for your family unit in the long run...so you could make the case that she is choosing long term happiness and peace over short term infactuation and a complicated life. I wouldn't call that settling.<P>Married love is a mosaic of many types of love. Sadly she experienced "eros" in her relationship and concluded it was the real deal. It was a mirage, but it is impossible to really believe that right now. Real love also has Phileo which is a cherished friendship and Storge which is loyalty and history as well as Agape, the unconditional love we choose to have for one another.<P>Do the other loves produce the tinglies...no, not like eros (which of course belongs in marriage, too) but it does produce contentment and stability that are real today and tomorrow.<P>I think Cat would be doing herself and your marriage a disservice if she did not actively try to weed the OM out of her heart. If she actively tries to hold the relationship as a treasured nugget of life, that would be especially dangerous.<P>But speculating on what she will or won't do is way way to early.<P>For now, respect her decision and see it as strength of character rather than settling.<P>Just that paradygm shift alone could work wonders.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Sparky,<P>Read caj1's post with GettinBetter. You will see what FHL is talking about. This is an up and down game. She actually may be more in love with the idea of being in love that with the OM. It will take awhile, but hang in there.<P>You are doing well.<P>God Bless You and Your Family,<P>JL

Hey don't talk about me like I am not here! <P>Actually the conversation was in reference to something JL said about "never being ready to feel that type of love before"<P>And I asked: <BR>"what if I was ready and I felt it with him, where does that leave us?" (or something along those lines.<P>I think what has thrown you for a loop is reading my thoughts, I don't know really....like you expect those feelings to just diappear and everything would be wonderful. <P>But it is a lot of damn hard work A YEAR?!?! <P>You're right contact made me wonder if it is worth the "effort" how easy it would be to "give up" Not that I am, just wondering at times. And that is not something new, I think you just realized it? not sure.<P><BR>J--there is the question. Allen did fill my love bank many years ago, but since then it was steadily drained. So I do wonder..hmm will his balance ever be as high as OM?<P>Yes I know I suck...but I am human and I do have these doubts/thoughts.. <BR>

To be blatantly honest, both you and the OM filled her love bank. You did some things that she needed, and he filled the things that for whatever reason were lacking at the time. He didn't fill all of her needs perfectly and with time she will come to realize that. Romantic love is very blind. You were pretty much perfect in her eyes when you first met, and so is he. The reality is far from perfect though. None of us is this superhuman piece of perfection. We all meet and neglect each other's needs in differing ways. You however, have an awareness of what you need to do that he doesn't have. You know that love doesn't just happen, it takes work. That gives you the greatest opportunity to really be her true love. <P>True love, that term is so subjective. When I dated my first boyfriend I thought I had found my first true love. Wrong...I found someone who at the time provided some great experiences and a wealth of information as to what would make a good marriage partner. I'll look back on him fondly for always, but that chapter of my life is closed.<P>Eventually the chapter that caterpillar and this OM had together will close too. It will be a very short chapter. Yours is so much longer.

Sparky and Cat,<P>Cat is right in her recollection. Someone asked, I think it was Cat. How can it be a fantasy when I feel things for OM that I never felt for H? <P>I responded that when you met your H you were not ready to feel things the same way you are now. Life has changed and you are aware of your needs. Your H will also be able to make you feel like you have never felt for him for the same reason.<P>I believe I got most of it didn't I Cat? Sparky, the idea here that people experience more in life and they do learn to appreciate things more. I am much more sentimental now than I was when I was 30. I am much more appreciative of things my W does for me and notice the things that she doesn't do for much more now.<P>Don't worry Sparky you can fill the bill and I think there will come a time when you will be able to do so. Cat is still in withdrawl. Plus the both of you are still learning about you new relationship.<P>She will have doubts from time to time and for that matter so will you, but I sense that you two will make it. <P>Cat, a year young lady is a drop in the bucket . Trust me on that.<P>God Bless Both of You,<P>JL

Yes, of course you do, otherwise everyone would wander around confused and disoriented forever (OK, confused worse than we are anyway).<P>My first "true love" was wonderful; I almost married him. But I did not. Do I look back on him fondly? Yes, of course...lots of good memories. But, I am glad I did not marry him, and do not think my life would be better if I had...it would probably be worse. At times I do think about him...not with love, or lust, but with appreciation for the things we shared and that loving him taught me (about myself, about relationships, and about the mysterious male animal).<P>Quit worrying about being "the one" for Cat. <B>There's no such thing.</B> <P>For each of us there are probably a number of potential mates that we could be "in-love" with and build a life with. Any relationship is like a building...part of it is the raw material that goes in, but the rest is the workmanship! .<P>As I write this, I'm realizing I'm speaking to myself as much or more than I am to you, Allen. I know how hard it is to feel like a second choice, but I'm going to re-read this thread and keep focusing on the future...hope you can too.<P>Kathi

Hi Sparky, and Cat,<P>Did I get over my first love, yep. I still think of him often, and remember him fondly, and fantasise about what could have been. But the reality is probably very very different. I think if I met him on the street now, I would think to myself "what did I ever see in you".......<BR>I think first loves are always a little bit romanticised, a little bit 'Mills and Booned', and a little bit unreal. That's why we probably all remember our first love so fondly. Those first 'funny tummies', the tinglies, the 3hr long phone calls (who has time for that now) etc etc etc.<P>Maybe this is a simplification, and I apologise in advance if it comes across as uncaring, But Sparky, why not fill her lovebank as it has never been filled before.??<BR>Basically ignore (sorry Cat!!) what she is telling you now. I don't mean for you to be disrespectful to her, or to disbelieve her, but take what she says with a grain of salt. I know you will both understand where this is coming from. The betrayers live in fantasyland, and this is part of that. That's what I mean.<BR>I believe with all my heart that what she is feeling, is real to her, at the moment.<BR>But one day, she will wake up and realise what is real and what isn't. (I feel so disloyal Cat, sorry)<P>As far as feeling 'second best' Sparky, you will know if that is the case. Cat has made her choice, and it is you. Unfortunately, you also have to deal with her withdrawal.<BR>Keep strong, and believe in yourself, and your relationship with Cat. I have high hopes for you guys!!!!!<P>Fill that lovebank Sparky, and create some beautiful new memories in the process.<P>love and hugs to you both<P>Jo