OK, maybe you remember that 20 questions was one of my husbands main complaints about me so I thought I would ask some here and see if you all have some insight and answers for me.<P> Why is he staying with me? He has been in this so called friendship with OW for over a year now. I discovered it Aug99 and things have been strained since then. He continues to see her 1x a week after work, and calls her with phone cards and who know what else they do at work. He says he doesn't love me. He is distant, avoids me, hasn't tried sex for over 6 months, doesn't talk to me. <P> So why? He isn't expecially religius, we have no children, I work outside the home so am not dependant on him, If he is so not in love with me, is so annoyed with me and so does'nt beleive I love him why could he be staying? <P> Am I meeting some of his needs I am not even aware of? Any ideas here? Any betrayers want to give me a clue? <P> Thanks for any ideas you have, I am sort of at the point where I am not sure I see what is in this for either of us. If I make him so miserable and I'm not happy either what is the point? <BR>Lora

LORA,<P>I want to ask you a question. Why are YOU staying with him?<P>I understand this is marriage builders and all but I can't imagine staying with my H if he were still seeing the OP or calling the OP or having any contact with the OP at all-especially after 8 months.<P>Maybe I do not know all that is going on with the two of you but you don't make it sound as though he is even attempting to stop contact with the OW.<P>Maybe that is why he is staying with you-because you have mnade it possible for him to do so. I mean hey-this guy has two gals it sounds like. Isn't that a lot of mens dreams?<P>After the amount of time I have been through since learning of my H affair I msut truly say I have no tolerance left for such games. If I can't trust again and if he can't prove his worth to me then it is over from that day on. I would not acept being a doormat for him or anyone else.<P>IMHO you owe it to yourself to take care of you first. Are you happy with the arrangements you are in? Look at the picture and see if you can make any changes that would be of benifit to you.<P>I wish you all the best-I really do!

Why am I staying?<BR>I love him.<BR>We had 16 years together that I thought were pretty good before this happened.<BR>We enjoy doing things together.<BR>I guess he is still providing me with a home, domestic support, financial support.<BR>I love his family.<BR>He was my first love.<BR>I am afraid.<P>Then there is his denial of an affair and that they are just friends. Is this all me blowing things out of proportion? Thinking too much? Have I caused all this by my accusations and snooping and not trusting?<P> If this is alot of mens dreams then I feel really sorry for them and they need to rethink their dreams. Because I don't think anyone is having too good a time here.<P>Thanks for your thoughts.<BR>Lora<BR>

Lora,<P>I apologize if I hurt your feelings. I truly feel for you. I know you love him. I just happen to have a major large chip on my shoulder since the discovery of my H affair.<P>I know what being afraid is like. I also know what it is like to love the family of a spouse. I also know what it is like to be dependant on a man and I think that is why I am struggling with reading what you posted. When I read the post I got the impression you were the only one making any attempts at working on the marriage. I also got the impression that he was "doing as he pleased". I apologize again if I am wrong.<P>I just don't want you to be victimized in any way.<P>Keep trying-you will get there.<P>HUGS :-)<BR>

Lora,<P>Are you formally Plan A-ing?<BR>Are you meeting some of his emotional needs?<BR>Are you in counseling?<P> <P>Jim

FA,<BR> Thanks,I seem to be a little too sensitive these days. You certainly haven't said anything I haven't thought myself.<BR> I'm afraid you are right though. I am the only one working on this marriage. I know H is hurting too, but we can't seem to communicate in any meanigful way.<BR> Maybe I should give him an ultimatum. It would certainly be doing a 180 from what I have tried to do.<BR>Lora

LORA,<P>Hey now..............wait a minute ok? You have every right to be sensitive!! So don't go knocking yourself for feeling that way!<P>I have a hard time saying things as well as so many others on MB but I felt pulled to this post and wanted to at least try and open your eyes a bit - only because I see the mistakes you might be making.<P>You suggested giving him an ultimatum. I don't think you should, at least not right yet. My suggestion would be that you stop and focus on YOU. What makes you happy? What do you like to do? Are you doing any of these things?<P>You see Lora, I was married once before and I made all sorts of mistakes simply by trying to hang on to a dead marriage. My ex did what he wanted and the only time he had for me was to play mind games, emotional abuse and anything else he knew would hurt me. I thought I loved this guy and tried with all I had to make our marriage work. The down side is he didn't care a hoot. I still don't know why he never cared and I have been divorced from him for over 11 years.<P>Once I got out of that marriage I saw what a wimp I was. I thought only about the marriage that I couldn't repair on my own. Never once did I believe in me <P>I care enough about you to tell you to take a few minutes and look inside what LORA wants.<P><BR>I hope this helps a little bit. I do care about you!!

Hi Jim,<BR> Yep I have been trying plan A since November and had some early success, but now he seems further away then ever. He wrote a note that I found, but he never gave to me saying that it was all about me and he didn't love me and hated the way I ask too many questions. So obiously I wasn't doing a good plan A in his eyes. I am trying harder to curb my snooping and questions and LB.<BR> I have been in counseling since discovery alone and have sort of put the mariage issues aside and worked on my own issues in counseling. Plenty to work on for a long time.LOL<P>FA, I have been working on me, just having a down day, or maybe week. We just got back from vacation and it went OK , but I had hopes for more. <BR> I'm not too good at expressing myself in writting , or in speech either for that matter, one of the things I'm trying to work on.<BR>Lora