I just finished reading Love must be Tough and many of the things that are in that book explain the way I have been feeling and the way my H has been acting. I have been doing everything from begging, crying, etc to try and get him to stay or change and that only makes him want to run farther away and most likely to the OW.<P>Yesterday morning I had a civilized talk with him about the status of our relationship. I told him like in the book that I didn't beg him or twist his arm to marry me 9 years ago and I am not going to do that anymore to try and keep him. I said that if he doesn't love me anymore than I have to let go. I said that I wanted a person who would love me for who I am and if he doesn't then I have to accept that and move on. <P>I told him that I can survive by myself. I have a decent job and have been looking for something better and even thought of moving to another state which surprised him. I said that I would no longer ride the roller coaster as he came and went and enjoyed his life while I stayed home doing nothing.<P>I told him if his OW made him happy so be it. I said that nine years ago on our wedding day the video guy came in before the ceremony and asked me what I was thinking, I said "I was nervous and hoped my H didn't forget his wedding vows". I told him that unfortunately eight months ago he did forget them. I said that I had never betrayed him or our vows much less even think about doing something like that but he had and that really hurt me.<P>I then said I couldn't take it anymore and left to do my weekly shopping. I am now thinking of writing him a letter to say that maybe he should think about leaving because he can't have both of us anymore. If she makes him so happy he can even move in with her. I'm not sure how he will react but I am truely tired of him having his cake and eating it too.<P>I think the book makes some very good points and trusting in God he will help you along the way.

bc,<P>It's the first book I read...<BR>...and read it the day after D-day.<P>I thought it made a lot of sense...<BR>...but I still feel MB... with a decent <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... before the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>(tough love equivalent) would help me more...<P>Did you check out the post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010263.html" TARGET=_blank>Readers of "Love Must be Tough" - Please Reply</A>…..Roll Me Away….12/1/1999?<P> <P>I'm praying for a wise decision...<P>Do you want any critiquing of the letter?...<BR>(Don't want to pry... just suggest)<P> <P>Jim

NSR,<P>Thanks for the input and offer to critique. I am going to work on the letter tomorrow while I at work so I won't be possibly interupted by my H. I really feel at this point after 8 months that no more plan Aing is going to work and Plan B with me actually moving out is not an option. I am hoping that my H will at least realize what he is about to lose. Not that I would want him to stay because of the things he might lose but I think his mind is so clouded he needs to come out of the fog.<P>He still speaks about things in the future like nothing is happening other than normal everyday things when he is still seeing the OW I am sure of it. When he doesn't come home at night and then gets in at 6am I really can't believe he would think I would believe whatever excuse he has dreamed up this time. I have heard them all and have no reason to believe him anyway.<P>When I get the letter done I will try and share it with you. I am still a little uneasy about spilling my guts so to speak although I have done a little of it here on the board.<P>Thanks again.

Hi bc,<BR>It sounds like we are both in the same place except my H and I have been separated since 8/5/99 (he lives w/ the OW). I tried plan Aing it for about 6 months, and actually for awhile I thought that things might work out for us. But, the longer his affair goes on, the harder it was for me to be his doormat. <P>I haven't read Love Must Be Tough, but I did read Divorce Busting which suggests "tough love" as a last resort to saving your marriage. Basically, don't call him, don't be available to him, and act as though you are moving on with your life without him.<P>Last week I filed for divorce. This is probably using "tough love" to the extreme, but I am tired of living the nightmare and part of me is hoping that this will shock my H into reality. Maybe it won't, but he has had the best of both worlds for a very long time.<P>Anyway, the bottom line is, you need to do what is best for you. Just remember it is easier to deal with marital problems when the two of you are still living together, and kicking him out will probably push him closer to the OW (a hard lesson for me to learn).<P>Take care,<BR>Darlene

If your H lurks here..<BR>and/or you think it would be inapproriate...<P>ask for people to volunteer to critique through e-mail... it's more private!<P> <P>Jim

bc,<P>Have you addressed this issue of his drinking? the ow is just really a way of ignoring and for a drinking buddy.<P>Did you call AA? You need the support they can offer families of alcholics.<P>Address the real problem - not a cover of ow.<P>My thoughts - Victoria<BR>

I am trying to address the issue of drinking but everyone says that he has to hit rock bottom by himself before he will seek help. He did tell me last Monday that he was going to stop but of course it didn't last. My counselor gave me the number of Alanon but I haven't called yet. I am trying to find a location that isn't close to our home so I won't run the risk of seeing someone who might know me, not that most people probably realize my H has a problem but so I could feel more comfortable myself.<P>I know that maybe the OW is just there for a buddy system to drinking and filling his ego but I can't seem to get past that. I saw her H in the grocery store over the weekend and almost went up to him and introduced myself but what would that do he already knows what is going on and says he is glad they are so happy. Great thoughts.<P>I am just not sure the right way to proceed but thought the letter might make things clearer and that way I wouldn't run the risk of blowing my cool.

bc,<P>You are to be congradulated on taking these pro-active steps for your family.<BR>You seem to be in control of your thoughts, even if your feelings are going all over the place.<BR>Do write the letter to your h. Writing will also help clairfy your postion within yourself. I am glad you have a number to Alaon. You are making great progress.<P>And you can get past the ow. I do believe she is just a screen for him not to face a problem that is beginning to destroy his life. He is slowly beginning to see this, from the comments he makes to you. He does need your help in defining a path toward peace. You lead, he will follow hopefully, but if he does not, you are on your way to a calmer existance.<P>What a great job you are doing for your family!<P>Many people are praying for YOU and your family.<P>Victoria