Sparkydog and I have our first joint session tonight.<P>This is with a therapist that he has been seeing.<P>Can you give me some idea of what to expect?<P>Thanks.<P>Cat

Dearest Cat: I have no idea what to expect, but if it was anything like my experience--hang tough. I think because I spent so much time crying, I felt like a child being scolded by the adults in the session. Remember that you are both adults and you both have concerns. It is how you relay those concerns, wants, changes in a fashion that is non threatening, but constructive. I will say a prayer for you both and keep you in my thoughts.

Hi. <P>A good therapist will do alot of listening, especially in the first session. Don't expect to get beyond giving your side of the marriage story this time. <P>An 'hour' session usually is actually 45 minutes. The therapist should ask you a few leading questions and let you talk. Don't be surprised if they take notes as you talk, it is how they keep track of each situation. <P>There is a good article here at MB on finding a good counselor, it will help you know if this person fits the bill. (Of course, I think anyone your spouse likes will probably be a good choice.)<P>After a session, they will probably ask you if you'd like to see them together again, as well as if you want to see them alone. <P>Your decision may be influenced by cost and whether or not you have insurance. If you think it is going to help, weigh the cost of therapy against a divorce...we did and therapy won!<P>We did both joint and individual for a few sessions, right after his confession and when he was still in withdrawal; then, when our our relationship was solid and honest, we went to only joint sessions. We still go once a month, and my h. actually looks forward to the sessions!<P>Again, you may be nervous about the first session, but don't worry, the therapist won't be doing much more than 'intake' the first time. <P>You might want to discuss two or three 'goals' or 'messages' that you'd like to address in future sessions. <P>It is likely that after a few meetings, the three of you will set out a 'treatment plan', which is basically some measurable goals for your relationship.<P>don't be nervous, be glad you are both willing to risk the honesty and put forth the effort!<P>lizzie<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Your experience will probably be different from mine because the therapist is also seeing Allen individually. I think that might be a good thing. <P>The therapist I had didn't do individual counseling with members of a couple he was cousneling and vice versa. I guess he thought it would keep him from being biased in any one direction with the couple. But I found that most of our session ended up focusing on me, my anxiety, my depression over the whole situation. And since I have already bared my soul to my own counselor (and here on MB) I didn't really want to go through the whole thing again. And I didn't want to uncover anything new with my H sitting there watching. I want to deal with my own stuff on my own terms before sharing it with him. <P>I printed out key posts from here and offered to let him read them so he would have the background he needed in order to guide us but he didn't want to take the time to do that. Instead, he would ask every time we went in "What do you want to focus on today?" We would just sit there dumbfounded, look at each other, shrug and go "I dunno." It didn't seem to be doing us much good. I don't know if it was just not the right counselor for us or if I'm just not ready for it, but we decided to discontinue for now. <P>I'll be talking to my own counselor about it tomorrow to figure out what to do next. I hope your experience is better than mine was.<p>[This message has been edited by TruthSeeker (edited April 04, 2000).]

LOL when you all are done posting on Cat's thread hop on over to mine about the same thing.

It really depends on the perspective of the counselor. How did you pick this one out? Both counselor's listened the first session, offered a comment here and there, or another way to look at things. I monopolize conversations easily so the counselor had to interrupt and direct a question or two at my husband. He felt ganged up on by both counselor's, although he was a bit surprised when I told him that I didn't think they offered much assistance on my end either. I guess I was expecting something different. I met individually with the second and those sessions seemed to help. We got stuff out of it, but both of their approaches were very different. The first gave us all sorts of exercises and formats for resolving conflicts. The second did some of the same things, but did alot more of the examine the way you feel kind of things. Neither approached it from a let's see what kind of things we can do to rebuild love. (Although the second asked me what I thought we could do, and I said we could spend more time together doing fun things. He agreed, but that's the closest I ever got to tapping into unmet needs.)

Posting to you on a seperate topic,<P>Dana<BR>