H and I are doing very, very well with our recovery, but lately I've been feeling a lot of resentment toward my H and extreme hatred for the OW. I'm not sure how to deal with either situation. I know I want to find a way to get over the resentment toward H because I love him so much, but I can't help fantasizing about getting back at the OW. I have asked her for an apology for the pain she put me through, but she won't apologize. I guess she hates me and blames me for my H breaking up with her! Anyone have any advice? (Heck, or maybe some good ideas at how to get back at her?)<P>Thanks,<BR>Mare

Mare,<P>It is so hard to get beyond the resentment...<BR>...but most find that forgiveness...<BR>...true forgiveness... is the key!<P>Check out ==> <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A> and <A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A>.<P>Also look at the <B>Recovery:</B> section of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000013.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>...<BR>...there are posts that touch upon "resentment" issues...<P>Also... the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/cgiwrap/marriage/forumdisplay.cgi?action=topics&number=34&SUBMIT=Go" TARGET=_blank>Divorcing/Divorced</A>...forum is chock full of posts on "resentment"... showing you how long it can last.<P>I hope these links help you... <P>Jim

Mare,<BR>I've been wondering how you were, Good, I'm glad you are doing so well.<BR>NSR has a good thought, and I hate to say what I am going to say....BUT.......<BR>Some of us.......Several of us.......Alot of us, Can't get passed the hate, and we know that even God understands. I personally think that the thoughts I have for the OW, helps me not have them for my H. I am only giving her THOUGHTS, she gave me pain, of which some of it will always be with me.<BR>As far as the resentment towards your H? Well.....you will have compassion for him someday and that will help, plus Time will fade it also, as he shows you more and more how much he cares. TIME!<P>Almost Happy<P>---------<BR>TIME <p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited April 08, 2000).]

Suggestions for resentment relief toward OW:<P>If you and H run into OW somewhere, you are the happiest woman in the world. She'll eat her heart out. (Don't expect an apology, and really, if you think about it, any apology will fall short. Your ability to move on comes from inside you, not anything she could do.)<P>Post your feelings of anger and thought-revenge here. Great stress reliever and no actual harm done! <P>Resentments toward your H: Talk to him sometimes about it in a non-blaming way. Use statements like "I feel," or "ooh, that was a trigger, just let me talk about it for a minute." If your tone remains pleasant, he can probably handle a little melancholy as long as he doesn't think it's going to blow up into something more. Be specific about whether your need is just to talk about it, and whether you want comfort in the form of a hug, etc. Then try to let it drop as soon as possible and do something enjoyable with your H.<P>Hope this helps. Sounds like overall you're doing great!

Mare--<P>Are you really me? You wrote exactly what I feel! <P>I, too, wished for an apology. In her skewed little world **I** caused *HER* an extreme amount of pain. I destroyed her dream world. Remember, not only did your H never see the nasty side of OW, OW never saw the nasty side of H. What an absolute gem our Hs must have seemed to those OW! <LOL><P>I try to remind myself that, in this Jr.High game she's playing, she's not speaking to me because I "won". How can you expect an apology from that mindset?<P>Doesn't mean that I don't fantasize about putting sugar in her gas tank. It just means I don't really do it.<P>Good luck! -- HBC

I still hate the OW. I always will. It seems that when people post these feelings, then others feel the need to suggest that we can't heal until we get past these feelings and learn how to forgive the OW.<P>I think it's normal to feel this way. I don't understand why I should forgive her. I didn't do a damn thing to intrude in her life, yet she chose to invade and contribute towards disrupting mine.<P>Her selfish decision, along with my H's, caused much pain for myself and did affect my children too. All this pain for a few meetings of sex. It really makes me nauseous.<P>I've worked on recovery with my H and we are doing very well. As for the OW, I could care less about her and don't think I should feel other-wise.<P>p.s. About the feelings you have for OW....I think you should just deal with them in the best way that you can. However, do not contact her. Write in a journal, write a letter (but don't mail it) venting all the anger that you have for her. Don't worry about an apology from her. Most likely, you won't get it. If you & your H do happen to run into her, the best revenge is to show her how happy both of you are with each other.<P>I'm glad that you & your H are recovering well. Don't let your anger for this OW interfere with your progress.

I totally agree with notrust. The best way to get back at the other woman is to do nothing at all. In the long run when you look back on all of this, you will be glad that you were the one who remained the lady thoroughout all of this.. Keep the thoughts and feelings to yourself, family, friends, this forum anywhere but to her.. good luck!

I, too, feel what you feel and all those other things that have been stated in the replies as well. That there's no need for me to forgive her, I didn't do anything wrong, she's playing a jr. high game of not speaking, etc. etc. It's all there. I agree these feelings are normal.<P>I DID do something about it though. Shamefully I share this story with you. It's been 7 weeks since D-day for me. My H and she were actually planning to marry but because I got pregnant (due this month) they couldn't share the good news with me. Found out about the affair and now her dream came crashing to an end.<P>In the beginning I called her and she would talk to me. I was trying to find out the full story on her and my H so that I would have peace of mind. Well, I did get the full story, in great part because of her honesty about it, but it didn't give me the peace of mind I thought it would. Instead, it gave me a reason to hate her all the more.<P>So my inquiring calls turned to harassing calls. I would ask why she did what she did and knew she'd never be able to give me a reason that would satisfy me. So no matter what she said, I found a way to put her down for it.<P>Admittedly, shamefully, it felt good to call her up and do this. But after a few weeks of doing so, I realized I was becoming a bit like a demon with it. Didn't like that at all. So I did something else.<P>I remembered about "closure" for the betrayer and the OP...how they should write a letter and send it. So that's what I did as well. Took me a couple of days to get it just right. Started out 8 pages long with some serious venting issues and statements...but in the end it was only 1 1/2 pages long. Little to no venting, lots of snyde remarks, no bad language but enough derogatory remarks to make me feel better.<P>I posted a thread whether or not to send such a thing. Most said not to, one said I should. So I did. Just this morning. <P>And for an extra jab at her, I didn't mail it, I faxed it to her at work. She works at a hotel as receptionist and I learned she is off for the weekend so I'm not sure where it will sit or who all will have the joy of reading it by the time she returns to work on Monday. <P>It wasn't kind. I actually had the nerve to pray before I did it and asked for forgiveness ahead of time, and since, too. I justify my actions in my sick twisted head by saying that when I was nice about this affair business back in 1997 and asked her to back off, she didn't, nor did H for that matter. So I feel I have plenty of reason to come down hard on both of them now. <P>I shamefully hope that her coworkers read it and she feels a sense of shame. I'll never know though. Have to wait now for a "bad day" to come along and see if having sent the fax actually brought closure to my need to get back at her. On bad days I typically pick up the phone and call her. <P>I have to say though, I do feel good having done this. I've had my say. The final say at that.<P>So if you do something, just watch out for legal ramifications. When I sent my fax I didn't sign it, didn't mention any names except for hers, and made sure the fax info that is printed on the top of faxes that are sent was erased from my machine so that the sender info would be unavailable. Though she will certainly know who it is from, there is no proof.<P>You may find that writing a letter and spending days revising it is all you really need to do to feel better though. If it is, don't send it. <P>As for the remark about forgiveness and that the OW doesn't deserve it, it's true. But keep in mind, being able to forgive her is more for your sake than it is hers. You are the one living with the hatred and it is you that the hatred takes its toll on. Not her. In forgiving her, you are able to move past the issue of her and the hatred leaves your heart. Forgiving doesn't mean that what she did was okay. It simply means you now choose to stop being angry at her over it. You can still be angry that it happened, but to really get her out of your life, you have to stop being angry at her...and that is what forgiveness is. That is what it accomplishes.<P>You may find that once you can forgive the OW, or bring some kind of closure to the issue as I have tried, that your resentment towards your H will diminish. I suspect the two are very much connected.<P>Hope this helped somehow. I'm glad that things are going well for you overall.

Thank you all sooo much for your responses. I'm going to kind of combine some of the advice and end this between me and her once and for all. I'm composing a letter in which I will tell her some of the things I've realized and that I now know she is not a threat to me. I AM going to send it to her. Then I'm going to just tell myself every time I think about her or get angry with my H over his affair that it happened, it's over, there's nothing I can do about it, but he's with me, he loves me and says he'll never leave me again, and he can't stand her. I'm going to repeat that to myself over and over until it truly sinks in and, hopefully, I'll get through this!<P>Thanks again!<BR>Mare

Hello all,<P>This is a great thread for me to read. I long for closure too. Getting OW of my mind too. I haven't been too successful though.<P>Just when I thought I might be embarking on the right path I find out Thursday evening that husband had very minor contact with her. Just a smile and a wave mutually shared. He did not offer me that information instead I kind of stumbled upon it by asking a question.<P>Well, this minor contact got him back in withdrawal a little bit. Tried to say it had no effect on him and didn't renew any of the feelings he has/had for her. Not true and he admitted it once since then. Now he is back to it is no big deal.<P>He will not promise me to pretend or act as if she does not exist. He will not promise me to never talk to her. "I live in the real world and in the real world she is not my enemy." I told him that I did not what her to be his enemy, that I wanted her to be nothing to him at all. I also said she is my enemy. She is not my friend and she is not a stranger thanks to the two of them. There fore she is my enemy.<P>I tried to convince him that he can't have contact with her at all. I can't convince him. Apparently either his need to see her and say hello or his need to not hurt her by ignoring any friendly gestures she may throw his way are much more important that rather it hurts me or not. <P>He still loves this woman. Says he always will. Promised her and she him that they would love each other forever. (yeah I know where is the barf bag?)<P>Seems the promise he made to me first is not important. Not to mention the promise to forsake all others and keep me only unto him. He had the nerve to tell me that is not in the wedding vows and wants me to prove it to him!<P>He loves me now, didn't at the time of discovery over a year ago. He is falling in love with me again.<P>Still we don't have closure here for any of us. At this point in time I don't care about her closure although I think it is pretty cruel of him not to have given her that. At the moment I care about his closure and mine. It just isn't there.<P>So to get back to the topic of this thread. How do I forgive or forget someone who is still standing in the way of us? Someone that I guess he is keeping on the back burner of his mind in case this doesn't work. How is this to work and become a marriage of satisfaction if he always loves her and keeps her in his heart and mind? <P>All unanswered questions.<P>The thoughts this brings to me and the things I would like to do to her are horrible. Like someone else just said on this thread. She intruded into my life, without invitation or even my knowledge. I did not intrude in hers. I feel like I ought to be able to or have the right to intrude on hers a bit. I have not done so thus far.<P>I have written and burnt letters to her. Even posted one on another board once to try for closure and in the hopes it might stop some other single woman from embarking on the path this one did. It was pretty much in vain and did not do any good. It did not give me closure either.<P>Maybe time is the answer. I don't want to hate her. I have never hated anyone in my whole life.<P>Forgiveness came pretty easily and readily towards my husband as he wanted it. She couldn't care less how I feel and really figures I got what I deserved. How do you forgive that? I haven't a clue. <BR> <BR>I know forgiveness is said to be a gift you give yourself. I know that it is necessary and demanded by God that I do so. The problem is I don't know how to accomplish that goal. <P>It will be a day so blissful when I don't think about her or this anymore, or at least even for one whole day.<P>Meanwhile My wonderful rocket scientist husband keeps hurting me and wonders why I just can't move on? I don't have a clue do any of you?<P>I don't think it is possible to move on until for one there is closure on the part of the betrayer and a total recommitment to the marriage. That is not a "I'm working on it and taking it one day at a time." Nor is it "I'm trying and will stay here until I can't try anymore." Not to mention the "You'll be the first person who knows if I need to or decide to go back to her, or be with another woman."<P>After these steps are taken by the betrayer and they get closure then I think the betrayed can work on closure.<P>I am beginning to think that anything we have to do towards the other person short of any real harm or anything that is illegal is justified. We did not intrude on their lives!<P>Naturally I struggle with what God wants me to do and by all that is Holy she has no idea how lucky she is that I am a Christian. I would have settled this my way long ago if I hadn't been.<P>Meanwhile I am plagued with all the ugly feelings I have towards her and all the hurt continues to endure. For me she is still a huge part of our lives. She may not be enjoying him in the physical sense. She does however have the spiritual side of him that I want.<P>This is a no win situation. Proof positive that people should never get into these situations. That God gave us the guidelines for marriage for a very good reason. Just like he did in all the rules and regulations he set forth. <P>I will continue to follow this thread as long as it is active, because maybe someone will come up with an answer or two for me? Sure would be nice. Meanwhile thanks <B>Mare</B> for starting this thread. At the very least it has given me the opportunity to vent. I did not want to start a thread with this, because frankly I am so tired of always asking for help here and being so needy when I do. I am simply tired of the drama of my life!<P>Now lets see if this brings me any closure? LOL <P><BR>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't lose! What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B><p>[This message has been edited by A blessed Samantha (edited April 09, 2000).]

Hi,<P>I guess I am a strange one. I have no anger at all towards any of the Other Women. And when I say Other Women I mean there are tons of them. Two real life and hundred more on-line.<P>I even talked to one of the real life OW. She helped me understand a lot about Tony. I could not blame her becuase Tony told her we were nothing but roommates. Jerk that he is. Maybe she lied to me I really do not care. <P>All the OW haunt me. The last time I caught him having cyber sex with some woman I pushed him away from the compter and let her have it. I asked her if she even respected her self enough to not partake this type of activity. I then emailed all his OW and informed him what an a$$ Tony was. I promptly deleated anything he could remotly chat with on the computer and changed the password.<P>I want to know how to handle the anger against Tony and his family. They felt is was fair that Tony cheat on me. They also were so mean and nasty to me for two and half years. His affairs and dealing with his family garbage. I have such anger and resentment in me I can feel it seething through my entire being. How do you handle that?<P>I think I am going to write another post. Sorry. I wish I know what to do. Revenge is not the answer though. Maybe I should purchase a punching bag.

Is there Hope - you are my hero! You did what I had in my head ever since I started writing my "you are an tramp (using G language)" letter to OW. She works for a financial institution that is very uptight and boy what I would give to be able to do that to her.... unfortunately if H found out (& I am sure he would somehow) it would cause more harm than the satisfaction of causing her a little of the pain & suffering I wish on her. Please let us know how it turns out.... Reading your post put a huge smile on my face, I hope to one day repay.

Oh, Samantha,<P>Your post could have been mine! Our husbands are probably soul mates...lol...at least twins separated at birth. Maybe the ancient customs of multiple wifes is the true way it should be. Our men certainly would have us believe it. Why is it that they care for so few people closely, yet cling so strongly to the love they give to the one or two they "deign" to share their love with? <P>I long for closure as well. I don't think that will EVER happen for me as long as there is tangible evidence, ie. the pictures, in his possession. They will always represent a potential threat. My H won't even promise that "another" affair will never happen with some other woman in the future. His doubt is so strong that we will continue in the positive direction we have been going this last year. He is the eternal pessimist in the best of circumstances! Seriously. <P>Now, as to revenge scenerios. There is nothing wrong with thinking about them is there? I, of course, have fantisized of several ways in which to use the "physical evidence" I have to totally brand the OW as the whore I think her to be. Picture this....life size nude pictures of her with my H posted on every telephone post in a one mile radius of her home. OR....A web site with her in various poses, at various places, etc. Or e-mail pictures to the owners of competing businesses of her family in Peru. Or the local Peruvian Paparazzi. (Seems her family is of celebrated stock over there) Or, if worse comes to worse...I show up at her home and seduce her H with whom she has not arroused an erection in over 6 years. ouuuuu. (I prob. couldn't either, but the fantasy is kinda fun) Oh,the power I have if I so choose to use it.<P>I was attacked 20 years ago in my own home and nearly raped and it was fatasies such as these only more along the lines of hanging the perp. from a tall tree by his toenails that helped enpower me to a new strength. I hope I will never have to enact any of these revenges, but it may prove useful in dealing with and finally getting closure.<P>Well, now, that is off my chest for the moment. hehehe<P>Do with it what you will.<P><BR>Beth

Thanks again to all who posted responses about this. I'm still composing my letter to OW and plan to send it as soon as I feel satisfied that I've had my final say (may take a bit!). I'm sorry so many of you have awful stories, too - some so much more severe than my own situation that I should feel lucky - lucky that my H is not at all attached to this OW. My heart goes out to those of you who have to suffer with a spouse who still has those feelings. Samantha, my heart is really with you.<P>Hugs to all,<BR>Mare