For about a week my H has been home each night no going out and getting drunk staying out all night and seeing OW. Yesterday I went to the racetrack and of course she was there but she talked to my H quickly and then left before I got to the car. I calmly asked my H what she wanted and he said just to say hi. I only wish I would have gone over there 5 minutes sooner so that I would have been standing there when she got there. <P>Well she left the track because she had to work or so my H said. But as the day and night wore on he wanted to go the the local bar on the way home and that lead to him drinking to the point where he becomes mean (not physical just honorary sp?) and things went downhill from there. A bunch of the OW family were in there she wasn't but they kept staring at me and making me uncomfortable like I was wrong to be out with MY H. When I said something to him about it he said I knew what I was getting into when I stopped at the bar. Was he sticking up for her family. <P>I lost it and to make matters worse one of his friends that was there came up to me and told me that he felt I was "cold". What a blow. That I never made anyone feel comfortable at our house and I wasn't social. I told him that he had no idea what I had been through in the last 8 months and he shouldn't judge me. Maybe if all his friends didn't come to my house to drink and party when I was trying to spend a litte time with my H I would be more social. So when my H actually told me I should listen to him I walked out. One of our friends wives was there thank goodness and she came out to the parking lot to see if I was ok. <P>Well I know this is long but my H did take me home and I waited till this morning to say anything to him. When I did, all he says is that we have grown apart and he doesn't feel the same about me anymore. I told him that with a third person involved we could never work on our marriage and that I need to know what he wants soon because his indecision is tearing me apart. I asked that out of respect for me that he wouldn't put her in the middle and stop all contact with her until we figured our marriage out. Well he just said he didn't know what he wanted and went out to the garage to work. <P>Is this ALL alcohol related or am I in the 1% where he actually is going to give up everything for the OW. I feel like calling her up today and telling her to come and pick him up seeing she wants him soooooo bad. <P>Sorry for the length, needed to vent and some support.

bc,<P>Honey, I'm pretty sure it's all alcohol related. He will never have a great relationship with anyone unless he stops drinking. The relationships will all be superficial. It's like beating your head against a brick wall when you try to reason with them when they don't think they have a problem. And how many alcoholics will admit they have a problem until they are ready to quit drinking?? None. <P>It is a sad situation. I know if my H was still living with me and seeing the OW, I'd be in the same shape you are. It would drive me nuts. Actually before he left, I had suspicions that there was someone else, but didn't know for sure. I thought I would lose my mind. And all we did was fight and I cried everyday.Not a healthy way to live. <P>I still love my H even after everything he's done to me. But I do realize that it was not a healthy relationship for me or my kids. I didn't realize that until he had been gone for a while and it's a hard point to get to. You will realize that someday.<P>Take care and if you want to email me, feel free to.<P>mitzihartman@webtv.net<P>Mitzi

bc,<P>As you can see, the only thing you have control over is you. It is the same for all of us. I am sorry your weekend was not so pleasant. Again, keep telling yourself the ow is not the problem, nor is it you. Mitiz is right - re-read her post. Concern yourself with your health and feelings. A great sign you are doing this will be when you are actually sitting in an Alaon meeting. You do not have to say a word. Everyone in that room was in your shoes - they came for the first time to a room full of strangers. Think - imagine, if you had been to say 4 meetings, would you actually think badly of a new stranger there for the first time? I think not.<P>Tomorrow will be a better day, and hey - great it is Alanon day also. Your h says things he really does not mean. Do not worry about him leaving, you have asked in the past and he has not. Just think about getting help in dealing with a problem others have faced. You will not lose yourself or your family by seeking such help. You will in fact help your family. You leader you! Many people are praying for YOU and your family.<P>Victoria<P>PS I may not be on very often now a days, sorry I did not respond to your answer to my last post. Keep in touch with Mitiz and the others if I am not around. Prays however, will always continue.

Yes today is Alanon day. I am going to go tonight and I guess just sit there and see what happens. I try to keep telling myself that I am really not the problem but after one of his friends said I was a "cold" person and my H didn't even stick up for me and in fact told me to listen to what the guy had to say I really felt bad. <P>I also try to not let the OW get to me but she is always there and I should be the one that should be around and I feel out of place when she should be the one feeling like she doesn't belong. <P>I just don't know where my H is going. Some days he talks about things in the future like yesterday he talked about us planting a garden so what does that mean? In a way he sees us together still in the future but when I ask he says he doesn't love me the same anymore.<P>I am totally at a lost to his behavior and what he says and does.<P>Thanks for being there

bc,<P>Your h is confused and anything he says should be taken with a grain of salt. I personally think he does not want to leave you, and you should just assume this is so until he actually truly physically does. Therefore, don't worry about it. Talking about the garden is very positive.<P>bd, I do hope you went to Alaon tonight.<P>Have you ever called Steve Harley? It would be well worth it for you I think. You need to be in Plan A, or have a plan. Steve would need to know that your h's real problem is with his drinking. But I also think he could direct you in the Marriage Builder's aspects so that you are able to retain a little more emotional equalibrium. Do consider the phone conference <BR>Steve is very nice, has tons of experience with lots of different situations, and can sort out very quickly what his advice would be. He will not have to ponder and ponder over it. He is brillent, yet very plain spoken. Your mental health is well worth the price of a phone call.<P>Take care. Many people are praying for YOU and your family.<P>Victoria

Hi BC -<P>PLEASE listen to Victoria's advice - call Steve Harley......<P>Your H is confused with Alcohol and the Affair "fog"....<P>That's a double whammy.....<P>YOU need to understand how addiction works and you also need to understand what a plan A is and that you won't get any logic from him.<P>His staying home for the week and your day in the garden was a great example of how little incidents of loving companionship can add up to love deposits.....that is what you want to continue!!!<P>But if you keep asking him and/or telling him all this "heavy" questions about loving you and you need a decision, etc. - you are taking out the deposit you made in the garden.<P>He's not ready to tell you anything - he is too messed up with addictions..<P>PLEASE call Steve.....<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba

I really can't afford to go to Steve for counseling. Right now I am going by myself and my insurance pays most of it. I don't think they would foot the bill for Steve. I have tried plan A but nothing I do really seems to make him happy or he won't let me make any deposits in his bank.<P>I am not really sure if he will ever admit to an alcohol problem. I keep hoping he will hit rock bottom and get help. All I can do is pray for him.

bc,<P>Steve's telephone call is $85. Your mental health is worth this. Think of it in this way - I can pay $85 for one FULL hour or I can go it alone, and pay a doctor for a visit, for prescriptions, and lose time at work. You will pay one way or another. I used to think of not doing and paying for this type of thing as "saving" money. It never does. In the long run, it will cost a lot more.<P>Victoria

bc - <P>I know exactly how frustrating it is to have the OW be the one who is NOT made uncomfortable. Just had my own issue with that Saturday. (see my post wish I never woke up..) It sucks! We the ones who haven't done anything wrong are the ones made uncomfortable, and H & OW are defended for their right to do what it is they do. I wish I had some great advice to give but I don't. All I can say is hold your head up high & remember that you are not the one who is doing anything wrong by being with your H.