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Joined: Mar 2000
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Arrow Offline OP
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Hi.<P> For those who don't know my story, I'll give you a brief synopsis. Found out about w's PA in August of last year. Did Plan A until first of the year. At that point, she left to stay with OM. She came back a couple of months later wanting "to work on the marriage". Things seemed OK for a couple of weeks, then they reverted back to the way they were. I also know she has been on contact with OM. Wife has also expressed a desire to "get her own place" (OM lives in another country) and finally be independent. She is looking for a job, ect.<BR> I have continued to do Plan A but NOTHING is changing and she is still cold and distant to me and she still blames everything on me. I have attempted to meet the needs that I didn't before, but she will not accept my attempts. This is now month 9! I have decided to ask her to either go to counseling (something she has resisted before) and committ to working on our marriage or to move out. I will help her get set up in an apartment (Including money) and then let her "go it alone". I will then most likely go to Plan B. We have a son who would live with me. <BR> Is this the right course? I have tried everything and I have gone to counseling with Steve Harley. He has told me that a seperation might be neccessary. I'm afraid I might lose her forever, but I cannot keep up this Plan A much longer and she is making no moves to work on things. HELP WITH ADVICE!!<P>Arrow <BR>

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Hi Arrow,<P>I don't know how much advice I can give you so here it goes.<P>I think that after 9 months in plan A and your still not getting a response....well I don't mean to bust your bubble but maybe it's time to move on and really start working on your own happiness.<P>I think that after a certain point there is only so much you can do and I really think you have reached that point!!!!<P>Shes just seems so adament about leading her own life that shes not going to let you or anybody else stop her in getting what she wants. Thats just the selfish side of infidelity.<P>I think deep down you know what you really need to do soo..maybe it's time<P>Kepp posting because there are so many people here that will support you!<P>Take Care<P>Reina

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Arrow Offline OP
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Reina,<BR> thanks for the response. Deep down I know it's time. I think one of the biggest problems is that she is having her cake and eating it, too! I guess that if she gets on her own, she will either crash or she will find happiness. Either way I feel there is not much else I can do.<P>Arrow

Joined: Oct 1999
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Hello Arrow:<P> Let me tell you that i was in the same place as you. Except after 1 month i asked her to either commit to the marriage or move out. Beleive me i was scared to death. I felt that all i was doing was throwing her into the arms of the other man. Well she left stayed with a friend Then her mother. I beleive she started seeing other man on a deeper level. But she found out that he was not happy with just OM either. Still confused she would not come home or commit to OM. She new she was in love with both. But when OM W found out he dropped her that second. So she came back to work on our marriage. Things have been very hard for 4 months now. <P>Not the best story to look forward to but we are together trying to work on things. Some times you have to draw your line & dont cross it. But it must be your line not anyone elses. Pray alot before you take any action & i will pray for you. I know how i felt while trying to make that choice. It was the toughest choice i ever had to make. But you must make it your self. <P> Good luck my friend<P> LotsofHope<P>------------------<BR>

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Arrow,<P>It's sad, but I've become a bit cynical.<P>Do protect your finance... if this leads to a divorce.<P>Put college money into a trust for your son...<P>I'll be praying for you! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Arrow,<BR>First of all let me say that I know how you feel. It is a hard thing to do.....letting go of someone you love and cherish.....but also knowing that if you don't nothing will change.<P>Be prepared for a bumpy road ahead. Divorce sucks......It is hard....knowing that you have all of these feelings penned up inside and you can't express them to your spouse anymore.<P>Either way...you will be fine. At the beginning it is easier if you "detatch" yourself from her. Which really means....you can still love...you don't have to necessarily "let go" , just get on with your life.<P>It took me a long time...but I have gotten to the point where I finally have given in to the fact that I can't decide for him....can't make him change...etc. Now don't get me wrong...I always knew I couldn't do any of these things...but I still had hope that something I could say or do would make him come home. Nope......he is the only one.<P>I have come to terms that my life will forever be without him in it. But at this point...I am not sure I care. My love bank is "overdrawn" and the only check he deposits bounces.<P>Keep us posted.....good luck to you and your wife and take good care of your little boy.<P>Nancy

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I guess I have to agree with the above. I may actually be following you soon. (My H is already on his own I may just do plan B)<P>It is really hard. I am still coming to terms with all of this myself. <P>My H is willing to give up the respect of his family, friends, colleagues and I guess children for this drug called "love"<P>I know I cannot control him. Only myself and the kids. I really wish he would open his eyes and see her for the bizaar nut that she is, but somehow she has sucked the brain right out of him.....<P>I think there is a line to be drawn. For me it is about respect. When any activity has gotton too disrespectful of me or the kids, I have drawn the line...and I will continue too. <P>We will all support you through this.....good luck...i will be praying for you too.

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Thanks to all who replied. I had the "talk" with her last night and try as I might, it got a little ugly. I did committ some pretty big LB's, but I feel that I probably waited too long. I could have done this better a month ago. There is definatley a limit we all have for Plan A. While I am scared to death of what the future may hold, I know I did what I had to do. BTW, it looks like she will move into her own place. She wants our son with her, but I refuse to move him again or into an unstable atmosphere. I told her if she gets a job and gets settled, we can discuss it, but I really don't want him to go with her. I hope it doesn't get ugly, but I will fight for what is right for him. <P>Arrow

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Arrow...<P>I have to be careful how I say this....<P>Do check out the <A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/" TARGET=_blank>Fathers Rights To Custody(FRTC)</A> site.<P>I know <B>theo</B> checked it out...<BR>...but please... please... please...<BR>realize it <B>IS</B> anti-marriage!<BR>That can be very hard to reconcile with what is being advocated here at <B>Marriage Builders</B>.<P>Gaining custody of your child is both noble...AND HARD!... In some cases impossible. If you were independently wealthy(see what society is telling us [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] ) you probably would have no problem... But the average father will be at a distinct disadvantage.<P>I'm praying for you...<P>I'd suggest a little more time back in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... to ease the transition into a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Arrow, <P>I don't know much of your story other than this thread. I felt compelled to write to you primarily because of your efforts at Plan A and the lack of response you are getting. <P>When I initiated Plan A, it was met with severe rejection. I wrote letters that were crumpled up and thrown in my face. She hated that I had changed. She had justifed her affair by rationalizing that our marriage was unsalvagable and I was an ogre. My cardinal sin against her was that I took her for granted. I plan Aed for almost 9 months before I was able to make a minor dent in her armour. <P>I know what you are feeling. Everything in the world is telling you to give up and stop trying. Plan A is tough when you don't get the response you look for. You get frustrated when you read stories here from a few folks who discovered the affair one day and three or four months down the road they are all healed. Well, that isn't me. <P>I've been at this for 17 months now. Things are improving ever so slowly. Initially, my wife wanted out too. We got to the point where she found an apartment and was ready to make the move. She decided to stay for the kids. <P>Arrow your chances for recovering plumet if you two separate. As hard as it is, I suggest you stay together. If that means staying in separate rooms, then so be it. Eliminate love busting at all costs; that only fuels her justifications. Bite your tounge if you have to. Long term marriage issues can be resolved later.<P>Your wife needs to see constant change from you in the face adversity. I had to start from scratch with my wife. We didn't know one another any more. It wasn't easy, but I kept at it. I believe I tried nearly everything to win my wife back. Much of it was trial and error. <P>You get one shot at this Arrow and then that's it. If you have to give beyond measure, beyond what you think you're capabale of giving. Often, rejection is the response. But, pick yourself up and try something else. <P>A year ago, my wife wouldn't hardly talk to me let alone let me touch her. Now, we talk every day. I give her a hair rub or back rub every day now. We date again. We are slowly getting to know one another again. I still have a long way to go. But, my message to you is to live with no regrets. If your marriage does fail, you don't want to look back and wonder whether or not there was something else you should have done or if you had only held on a little longer. <P>This is going to take more than ever thought possible. You will be a better man through this. It is possible to recover even when things look grim. <P>Best wishes to you Arrow, <P>SHA<P>------------------<BR>There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited April 18, 2000).]

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Hi Arrow, hats off to you for trying so hard for so long. Take Jim's suggestion and check out the FRTC website; it's brutal, but unfortunately there may be some truth there. Since we seem to be in somewhat the same predicament, you can follow my posts at <A HREF="http://www.deltabravo.net/board1/;" TARGET=_blank>http://www.deltabravo.net/board1/;</A> you'll probably need to do some searching (my name is CL over there), because that site moves pretty fast. I find the MB site much more comforting and familiar (I've compared them as devil vs. angel sites [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] )<BR> Also, watch Oprah next Tuesday (4/25); they'll have Dr. Jim on there with W's who have had an affair (yesterday it was about the M who had affairs...it was good, but I'm really excited about next week). I never thought I'd have to tell somebody, "Gotta run, Oprah's on in 15 minutes!!"...<P>see ya,<BR>theo


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