I met my ex-husband when I was 18 years old and he purused me with a vengeance. I loved it, he so attentive! I didn't know how to handle all that attention and admiration, but I quickly fell in love with him.<P>I was going to college at the time so I saw him on holidays and breaks, but we wrote to each other everyday and spoke on the phone at least once a week. He was very supportive of my education and goals.<P>He came from a divorced family whose parents fought openly in front of the children. His bedroom was next to theirs and he shared with me how he didn't like fighting. His mother also left the family when he was in elementary school. He shared that he was playing in the backyard and saw his mother walking somewhere, he asked if where she was going and if he could go. She answered that she was going to the store and would be right back. She never came back, she left her husband and family.<P>After my college graduation it was 8 years before he proposed to me. It wasn't smooth sailing during our courtship, understandably he had several fears of commitment and wanting to be sure. He broke up with me several times, but always came back because he said he couldn't see his life without<BR>me.<P>Well, after 7 years of marriage we ended in divorce. I loved him, but I left him. There<BR>were no affairs or physical abuse of any kind. But, I was starving for affection. His way of solving problems was to not talk about what was bothering him until it escalated to a point of no return. We would go weeks, without talking even if I wanted to. He just wanted to avoid conflict (parents marriage)and I would accomodate him. I wanted to go counseling, but he refused. I didn't know what else to do, so I moved in with my brother. He agreed to counseling then, but quit after 2 sessions.<P>Although we were divorced, we started seeing each other again after about 2 years. He was trying very hard, but I admit, we are BOTH poor communicators as far as sharing our needs.<P>We reunited 3 years ago, and I was very hopeful that it would work out at that time. He still was in pain and mistrust of my hurting him again (divorce), but he was willing to give it a try. We bought a condo and lived together, and I thought things were moving in the direction I wanted (I let him initiate the relationship's progress), we were still POOR at communicating our emotional needs.<P>He told me a month ago he loves me, but has been questioning how much he loves me. He wants to be 100% in love, and is not at this time. He wants to move out to live alone, but it didn't mean that we could not do things together or continue to work on the relationship. He hasn't done anything yet to initiate working on the relationship, instead he is just doing his own thing separate from me. He hasn't moved out yet, but he is planning to soon. <P>I was so distraught I went to see a relationship therapist. I asked if he would go and he flat out said no. But, the next day he said he would consider it(individual and possibly couple). After another week, he said that he had made an appointment for himself, but made it clear to me that he still intends to move out. I have told him that I don't want him to leave, but I would not hold him back.<P>These are my questions, can counseling help us at this point? I know a lot depends on motivation. We are not sleeping together anymore, and he has distanced himself from me emotionally. He barely speaks to me, and at first it was with anger although he said he wasn't angry, but frustrated. He is nicer now than when all of this began, and we do things together, but it's as if he's not there.<P>Except for telling me that he wants to be in love again, I don't know what caused him to move away from me emotionally. He says I haven't done or said anything wrong.<P>I asked him if there was someone else and he said no, that I was the only special person in his life. But it wasn't enough to love me, or to be 50% in love with me. He wanted to feel "in love" with me. He will be 45 this summer. <P>What do you think he is battling with? He acknowledges that I am a good person, and hopes that I will leave the door open for us to work things outwhen he moves. Since he doesn't share his needs, I don't know what to address.

kuuipo<P> You don't know me but I'm your husband or at least just like him. Communication and expressing myself was 0. I was raised to basicly be the head of a house and deal with problems myself, after all that's what my parents did. So how did this all change.....<P>My wife had an affair!<P> I'm not saying to do this becuase I may be talking and expressing my feelings but I now have anxiety to add to the list. The wife's affair was short and she was just despair for some HUMAN interaction. Once I found out the picture changed to working on ourselves. I then became open to EVERYTHING. I'm not sure how you can get him to this point but listen to how my wife did it.<P> She taught me just like a little 5 year old. I hate to admit it but I'm being honest. She set me up for a discussion, a very civil discussion that seemed harmless to me. At one point I oftened my opinion and she went complete quite. She stand that way long enough for me to break out in a sweat. I was so unbelievably sorry I opened my month. After all it was like this thing was anything important. To me it was easier just to live with the way she wanted it. About the time my heart was ready to burst she rolled over to me, touch me so lovingly and gently and said "What is the problem, you have your opinion, I have mine. We don't have to agree on everything. It doesn't reaaly bother me that you feel this way. Now that I know how you feel I understand". I was in the position that if I didn't do something I was going to lose her so I was dancing for all I was worth and I was ready for her lesson.<P>Maybe this will give you some ideas<P>Your little 5 year old (+38 more)<BR>Joe

Thanks for for writing. Well, I have some really bad news. My ex-h went to counseling but did not turn out as I had hoped. He was there for himself of course, but also informed the counselor that he did not want to work ont he relationship.<P>My session was after his, and the therapist had informed me that my ex-h had given permission to tell me what he his intentions were at this time, which was to move out and date other women and me so that he could be sure about his feelings for me.<P>I went home that evening and we hashed it all out. It was a civil conversation until I finally asked him point blank and told him to give me an honest answer. I asked if he was interested in someone and wanted to pursue it or if he has already been seeing someone. He hedged for a moment and I knew the answer was "yes." <P>Needless to say I was distraught and I asked him if he wanted to see other women, why couldn't at least have moved out first instead of giving me hope for our relationship. He still says there may be hope, he is just going through something he cannot explain and needs to work through, but he can't guarantee anything to me. <P>I asked who the OW was and at first he wouldn't tell me, then he finally did. I was so upset! I went to this person as a friend and poured my soul to her and she never said a thing. All along she had designs on him and let me go on and on, and asked me about very intimate information regarding the relationship. And then, she told my ex-h that I went to see her and that she felt threatened by me! No sooner than that he told me that he was afraid of me and she had his sympathy! What a manipulator!<P>Anyway, last night I told him my side of the story and he understood and apologized to me. <BR>That night I couldn't sleep a wink because all was out in the open now.<P>This morning, I asked him to quickly find somewhere else to live or until he finds a place, I would appreciate it if he didn't see anyone out of respect for my feelings. I didn't think it was fair for him to expect me to watch him go in and out of our home knowing that he was going out on dates.<P>That's where my story lies. He still wants to date me! He is for real? Is this a mid-life crisis, all this questioning of his life and indecision? How do I deal with this?

Kuuipo <P> I'm not sure if this is a mid life crisis or not but I won't accept it as a valid excuse for this behavior. Your husband will be 45 this summer, I will be 44. This puts us at least in the same ball park. I do see myself getting older. I can feel myself getting older. <P> Now as far as kicking him out I'm not sure if that is or is not a good idea. If he is a home you can have a great affect on him and of course he will do the same to you which becomes a painful process. I do know that the reason for most affairs is because the betrayed spouse has failed to meet the needs of the betrayer. In your case, and I am only talking the usual case, this OW will be meeting some of the his needs and you'll be meeting the rest. So the bottom line is it takes the two of you to meet all his needs. <P> I keep looking back at what you wrote and it looks like you fall into the normal. It's not a great club to be but I'm on the same side of the fence as you are. You'll find help here. Your find a lot of good information here. <P>A guy by the name of NSR will come along and give you some advice(he is on vacation till next week). He has been around here for a lot longer then I have. He refers people to the following web page <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html</A> <P>Read it, learn the basics here IT DOES WORK. This road is long, hard and full of hurt but it does work.<P> Right now it sounds like you are running on pure emotions which can make some big mistakes. Start looking around your first step is to learn the material on this web site. An affair has this "magic" that makes it appear bigger then life. This is a false image but it is one that you will have to fight. To fight it you will need the information you'll find here.<P> I fear that you may be making things worst by you current actions. When I was in your stage if my wife told me to eat [censored] I would have and I would have told her how good it was. Do some research on SamH, he has gone thought more pain then anyone should have to. If you need to blow of stream by all means DO IT HERE, we understand and have all been there. If you want to know more about what may be going on in your husbands head address your posts to "Male Betrayers please read" or something like this. <P> I know what you are going though right now and I know it is hard but from what I have seen if your want this to work and are willing to fight for it you'll be the one who has your husband when this is all over.<P>Go and do some of the reading here.<BR>Joe<BR>

kuuipo<P> The more I think about it the more I think it may be very important in your case to get help from a professional. Everyone here will be more then willing to offer advice but with the background of your husband I wonder just how good that advice would be. I know how important your marriage is or you wouldn't be here I just want what is best for you. Please still come to this web site it does help but seek the help other sources as well<P>Joe<BR>

kuuipo<BR>I am so sorry that your H has put you in this situation. That fact that you thought the OP was a friend of yours that you could confide in, makes the pain that much greater. My husband also, has chosen to have a relationship with a "former" friend of mine. It is amazing the lies they can come up about you. My husband also had gone with me to a counseler, but only to tell him that he had np intentions of ever getting back together with me. I can't tell you yet that it will get better, because it hasn't for me. But I can tell you that you are not alone. Until this happened to me, I always thought that infidelity only happened to other people. I never dreamed in a million years that I would be in this situation. Hang in there the best that you can, and my advice is not to make any rash decisions about anything. <BR>

kuuipo and Nancy<P> At first I thought my world had ended. It is not a good feeling. Look at Plan A and put time into yourself. The norm is that the person in an affair is someplace not of this world. Someone I really respect here had put a reply to basicly set me straight on what an affair is (I am just glad I was out of kicking range). Mercy, was the one who betrayed and has done so much to help so many. I am glad to say that she just today posted that she is moving on. Go read her description.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000463.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000463.html</A> <P>The web page that prompted her response is<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000459.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000459.html</A> <P>Hopefully this will give you a little bit more insight into what you are dealing with. My wife was also in the clouds. We started on fixing the problems as soon as I found out but it still took her a good 4 months to actually get the SOB (my version of OM) out of her system. <P> I know it hurts to hear your husbands say the things they are and to see there actions. What I did and still try to do is find something that gives you strength the strength to go on another day. It is so important to THINK about everything you say and feel yet it is so hard to do. Try and hang in there.<P> I have become fond of phases since last august and here a few for you.<P>Happiness depends upon ourselves (Aristotle)<P>Happy are those who see the bright side of things.<P>For more phases go to this web page<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002383.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002383.html</A> <P>I just found another web page that may be of interest to you. It was started by Mercy and it is titled "Attention Men, Just what are YOUR needs? "<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002395.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002395.html</A> <P>Of interest in this web page is how I slowly changed what it was that was important to me. What I found out is that I really want affection. I discovered that from the affection I get the desire for sex. If the affection is not enought for me I complain about not getting enough sex. It's an interested view but I did find my bottom line is that I want my wife's affection I want to feel she deeply loves me. <P>Joe<P>