Okay. For those of you who have been at this much longer than me.<P>How do you compete with the OM when she is living with him? I know that this is not supposed to be a competition. But everytime I think there might be a slight softening of her position, she goes home to him. The next time I see her, it is back to the "I'm great. No problems now that I am away from you." I find this very hard to deal with. Patience is not one of my virtues.<P>The other question. Should I tell her things that our son says that may hurt her? For example, last night he asked me if his mother would love him forever. I told him she would, although this was against his therapists advice. He does not think that I should speak for her. So do I tell her that he said this so that she can reassure him? Or do I tell him to ask his mother?

I've not had such an experience as this but I would think that the best thing you could do is to just not compete at all. Be yourself and let this be what she sees. <P>As for the child, perhaps you can do both...answer his question and make it clear that it is your OPINION and then back it up by suggesting that "we" talk to mommy and ask her.<P>As a parent, I would hope she would WANT to know how her child is being affected by her behavior. Then again, she may not as it could put a damper on her fun. Nonetheless, the child has to come before her so I hope you will share such information with her for the sake of the child.<P>Hope this helped somehow.

grandpa:<P>Who the hell says it's not a competition. If you're a competitive person and it drives you, OF COURSE IT'S A COMPETITION!!<P>That's exactly how I viewed it. And the bad news is that by the time you find out your in the game, the score is 42-7 late in the third corner. And you're sitting here trying to come up with that 40-point play...<P>You need to realize that the game isn't over. That there might be 10 periods... That you can chip away at the lead. That momentum matters... that having a game plan is key... getting a good coach can help make up for your lack of skills...<P>So, I'd point you to the phone counseling with Steve Harley, just like everyone else.<P>You're dealing with the "addictive" nature of the affair. Softening by her, a little hope, a fix of the OM---boom, you're back to square one. You will need patience for this. It took time to create this situation, it will take time to fix it.<P>Your other questions. Ask yourself everytime you're thinking about doing something that will affect your wife<P>"How will she feel if..."<P>If it's negative (or even neutral), try to avoid it. Try to "rethink" what you wanted to do to make it more positive.<P>Should you tell her what your son said last night? It depends on how you're going to bring it up. If it's a concern for the health of the mother-son relationship, and you want to encourage her (positively) to interact more with him, then yes---but do it in a way that benefits your son and your wife. Not you.<P>If you're trying to make her feel guilty about leaving. Don't. She'll deal with guilt on her own time. You don't want to associate yourself and your actions with her negative emotions right now.<P>And as far as reassuring your child that his mother loves him---of course you do. I'd get rid of your son's therapist completely, if that's the kind of nonsense he's spouting.

I did it. I'm glad I did. And, if you look at life that way in general, like K says, it IS a competition.<P>Stength, committment and perseverence win out. He can't do it all. Once you learn what you need to learn, you CAN. It's that simple.<P>You can do it too. And, about your child. Always, absolutely always reassure him of his mother's love. The therapist is an idiot. You can't speak for her in many ways, but that's something he needs. Besides, she does. The best she knows how, from what I can tell, she does. And that's all that matters to him.<P>Hang in there.<P>Lori