My fiance of 6 years had an EA for three years with a man in another country. It was mostly on IRC plus at least one phone call (that she admits to. She says it never got physical although I do know he visited close by last year. She met the OM in a chat room and the relationship developed there. It's been two months since I found out (by snooping on her computer) and she has cut all contact and stopped using IRC. We are doing ok and working towards rebuilding trust in our relationship. Yesterday she told me she would like to install AOL IM strictly to chat with family. Should I say ok? I want to trust her but IM is just like IRC and it really scares me. <p>[This message has been edited by steveoo (edited May 02, 2000).]

Sorry I really don't know much about IM, think it is more like ICQ than IRC, both of those are poison in my opinion. As far as chatting with family, yahoo has the option, or at least it used to have, of private chat rooms. of course people have to agree to be available to chat. Maybe that would be an alternative, maybe you could chat too.<P>I don't blame you for being worried.<P>Take care always

Steveoo<P>I would think that if she agreed to give you the password and name and she allowed you to be there as she was corresponding and that you place a keystroke program on the computer that you could monitor, that there should be no problem. (Let her know about the keystroke program.)<P>J W

Steveoo<P>My advice was dont do it.But I read JW response, I think he has a good idea,Keylogger.bethn

Thanks for the input.<BR>I can't always be there when she is chatting as she works out of our home. I am at my office, 30 miles away. Her chatting with the OM occoured while I was at work. I think she would give me the password. I like the idea of a logger but doesn't letting her know about it make it easy for her to defeat it and still hide what she is doing? What hurts me most about the whole thing is all the lies and deciet . For 3 years she told me I was insecure and foolish when I expressed concern over her male on line "buddies." I really do not feel I can trust her, at least not yet.<P>

It's a POJA decision. My sense is that if it is going to cause you undo stress while you are at work, then your not ready for it. It's a bit of a leap of faith, but as someone recently told me she could do it if she really wanted to. At least she is being open, honest, and considerate enough to take your feelings into account in making the decision. <P>Maybe approach it in the fashion that you are still concerned that your relationship is very fragile, and that IM is a big temptation point. What you would like to do is find a solution to lessen the temptation and keep it strictly for family. You would also like to see some reassurances built into its use so that you feel more comfortable with it. In the end though, it becomes a leap of faith. You have to decide that the relationship is stable enough that it won't become a temptation source for her.