Has anyone's S been involved in a long distance affair? My W had an Internet affair then an EA and now a PA with a man in England. They managed to see each other for about one week out of the month starting this past March.<P>I would like to know other peoples experience with this type of relationship. Did the affair take much longer? Did it or is it dying? How did you do a successful Plan A? What were some of the things you did in Plan A? I would appreciate any additional information you think might be useful.<P>I do not really expect anyone to answer because this is not a common type of affair, but I would appreciate any and all comments. I am particular depressed because I am watching a Cardinal baseball game now and W is there with OM.. He has been here since Thursday and is going back Wednesday. She all ready has a trip plan to England the last of May and the first part of June.<P>Love and Prayers for All.<P>J W

Yes... my h has an affair going since Sept.... discovery was in October... I truly believe the last time they saw each other was in October...Here is the clincher........ she lives in LONDON !! YEP .<BR>they talk on the phone"a couple times a week"... so I'm told.<P>Steve Harley believes there are pros and cons to this type of relationship.. I believe it takes longer... due to the distance... BUT how can your W and this Mna be flying back and forth?? That would be expensive.. don't you think the cash will run out???<P>Hey.. I have an Idea... Why don't we hook up the OM and OW.. they seem not to have any morals...etc... they might nmake a great couple... .. HA HA<P>scoick

scoick,<P>I would be happy to hook the two OP together. Nothing would give me more pleasure. The money is not going to be a problem for W, but that much time off from work eventually will. I talked to Steve and he said the same thing. The inconvience of making the plans to meet will eventually be a factor.<P>W is not living with me. I'll bet Plan A is tough for you as well!!<P>Love and Prayers!!<P>J W

Hi.......<P>Yes... Plan A is hard...read my other posts for all the details.....<P>My h is still home...but if you read this weeks updates, you'll see where he's at. <P>I'm not giving up yet..... told my H that it will be his decision to Divorce etc....<BR>That is one I won't take from him....<P>It scares me to think that people get into these Internet relationships... I was watching 20/20 or one of those programs... they had a story of a women who met her internet boyfriend or what ever you want to call him... He left her for dead.. beat her terribly.... It was very sad/scary. <P>Hang in there... I've been in this for 6 months. Sometimes its just so hard to believe........scoick<P> <P>

My spouse flew to Dallas on 10-24-98 to attend an anniversary party we were both invited to. We had had a fight and I refused to go. Spouse met OW at party on 10-25-98. "They really hit it off", from what I hear. Spent the evening flirting and talking and playing the "getting to know you" game. <BR>After the party, they kissed in the parking lot and he returned to his hotel and immediately got on the phone with OW at midnight and they talked until 3AM. I don't know if they saw each other again that weekend.<P>She returned to NYC and he sent her a dozen roses with a note saying "Would you join me for dinner Saturday night". Apparently she accepted, and he flew off to NYC on 10-31-98. He picked her up in a limo and they did the town and went back to the hotel and spent the weekend there together.<P>He flew out again to see her on 11-13-98 for the weekend.<P>He then flew down to Dallas to have Thanksgiving with her and her sister's family on 11-25-98. She got knocked up that weekend.<P>He flew to NYC to be with her over Christmas on 12-23-98. But, while he was there he said he went into the bathroom at his hotel and looked in the mirror and saw my reflection superimposed upon his reflection and got on the phone and called me telling me that we had to talk, it was real important, that he knew what he wanted and he wanted to come home. <P>He had'nt seen OW again until the paternity hearing we were required to appear at in February 2000, and the last time they spoke to eachother was 1-17-99.<P>When he saw the OW at the paternity hearing, he was horrified, embarrased, ashamed and chagrined. My husband is a full blown alcoholic. He said that seeing OW sober confirmed the old joke about how every woman looks beautiful at last call.<P>Well, he sobered up and saw she wasn't the dream and fantasy he thought she was; he saw that he had idealized her in his mind and that it definitely was not reality. He realized in addition to her not being anything to look at, she was ignorant, had no interests outside her myopic little world, knew nothing about politics, current events, nor did she care. She constantly whined and complained and made demands on him, was always depressed and intentionally and deliberately got herself pregnant in order to garner income shares from him because she was lazy and was looking for a meal ticket so she wouldn't have to work. She lived at home with her parents and would sleep until 11 or noon every day.<P>He rememebers now that he thought it peculiar that she took a pregnancy test their second weekend together and another pregnancy test over Thanskgiving weekend. Since they only spent three weekends together and she tested herself during two of them, there was a definite agenda. She is also 34 and her clock was probably ticking. She thought my husband was rich because he played big shot, beautiful suits and he's good looking and older. He just wanted to pretend to be a successful executive. She just wanted to pretend to be a health & fitness nut. She got fat as a pig and he almost lost his business and faces bankruptcy. They are both a couple of frauds playing parts pretending to be people they are not.<P>It's sad. All this horrific damage-changing our lives forever-bringing this kid into the world to live life without ever knowing its father because she was so selfish and self serving and manipuilative and he was so stupid and careless and was drinking a quart a day and oblivious to what she was up to. They really deserve each other.<P>All in all the fling began 10-25-98 and ended 1-17-99. The money he spent (extorted from our business) almost caused us to go bankrupt and the jury is still out on that.<P>Just three weekends, not counting the weekend they met and their last weekend together at Christmas because she stayed at her parents and he stayed in the hotel because she was sick with morning sickness. <P>So, there's our experience with a long distant "fling". Short and not so sweet.

My H's affair was with OW in France. It lasted over 2 years before I knew about it. I did find out early on but was convincingly mislead and so the affair continued behind my back despite our false efforts to make things work.<P>If the fantasy is good enough, not seeing the OP will suffice. H hasn't seen OW since they initially met yet they planned to marry and have been waiting for over two years to tell me.<P>I think breaking off the affair is likely more difficult. You see, with long distance affairs, most of it is in their mind anyway and so you can't "stop" that. When they are in the same town, you can stop so many things that bring the affair to an end. But long distance, by and large, it's barely started even and it's based so much more on hope of false assumptions and discovery of the affair doesn't really change any of that. <P>I'm finding it has to be a conscious choice and an even more conscious effort to make it end. There is absolutely no way for the OP to lovebust from afar and absence does make their hearts grow fonder. The absence continues, hearts grow fonder, no love busting going on...hard to let go. Super hard.<P>And then here I sit, the betrayed spouse, lots of reasons to love bust, having to exert the highest of self control. I'm here, I'm real, heart doesn't grow fonder, no fantasy with me.<P>Further, with the OP because of the distance and the inability to love bust, they are even more in a fantasy than a local affair because they don't know the other person well at all. And compared to knowing one's own spouse, I mean, make a list of pros and cons and the cons list for the betrayed spouse is going to be HUGE! So even when you Plan A your S, along with it is all the baggage...none of which the OP has...because of the distance.<P>I didn't really Plan A my H to tell you the truth. What I did was pretty much just say that I was letting him go as it was time for him to grow up. I said it from my heart, not out of anger. Told him if he wanted his freedom, I'd give it to him but I couldn't share him and it was up to him. <P>Suddenly, being hit with the possibility of finally getting what he's wanted, it seems to have frightened him. You know, grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, but once you hop on over the fence, you find it isn't so green after all. That's just what is happening in this case without their EA going any further. He thought he wanted her until the reality hit of losing me and the children in order to have her. Suddenly, she wasn't looking so good.<P>Lots of folks think they know what they want, until they get it, and then they realize, it was not at all what they thought it would be and it wasn't at all what they even wanted. But becasue they couldn't have it, it made it all the more tempting.<P>It's a chase, a challenge, it's about not getting caught, it feels good even though it's so wrong, it's an ego boost to be able to do so little for another and feel so good in the end. Hard to compete with that so I jsut told him I'd let him go!<P>Hope this helps....

Heard someone say one time that the two greatest tradgedies in life are...<P>1) not getting what you want<P>2) getting what you want<P>hmmmmmmm<P>In this technologicaly advanced society we live in today, there really is no such thing as a "long distance" affair.<P>I am in one. Very much in love with another woman who lives 500+ miles away. We email, chat, and call everyday. We are in the painful process of backing away...for the upteenth time. Twenty years ago, if you got involved with someone at work, you could change jobs, move, etc. Today...with internet, email, etc, my friend may as well be working in the next cubicle over from me. <P>It really is very difficult to make a clean break. Everytime I pass a phone, log on, whatever...she is there. I feel almost beyond hope. I just want to go walk far off into the woods somewhere...sit down by a tree...and just cry my heart out.<P>

Technology does make it easy to carry on a long distance relationship. I fell in love with a man who lives 300 miles from me. Like NoMas, we emailed and talked every day. The affair lasted five months; it would probably still be going on if the OM hadn't vanished. Sometimes I wonder if I imagined the whole thing. <BR>

Thank you all for replying to my post. I appreciate the information very much. On almost all points you have confirmed what I have been told by Steve, my regular counselor, or what I have read about long distance affairs. <P>I wish with all of my heart that we do not have to go through this both the betrayed and the betrayers. We are each hurting in our own way. Affairs only hurt people. There seems to be short term pleasure for the OP and the betrayer but ultimately the price is paid by all. I can say this with confidence since I have been the betrayer and now the betrayed.<P>If anyone has more or different information to share on this subject I would appreciate reading it. <P>Thank you once again.<P>Love and Prayers for All!!<P>J W

<BR>I really doubt my situation is different, but you did ask for more. <P>My wife discovered the internet in Sept '97 when taking an internet based class from the local university. In October '97 she started a chat/email relationship with another member of the class. By November that relationship had progressed to an EA. I knew that something was going on, but of course they were "just friends". He lives in a city about 2 hours away; she met him for lunch once that I know of. <P>She upgraded from this EA to another guy in December '97 and stayed with him until Aug '99, when I issued an ultimatum. He lives about 1000 miles away; she met him once for a weekend that I know of. She may be in contact with him still but I have no way of knowing anymore.<P>Sprinkle in a brief affair with a fellow student during that time, and you have a great recipe for marital disaster.<P>I don't consider us to be healing yet, but we're still living together and sleeping in the same bed most of the time.<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Hi JWilly,<P>My H and I were living in the UK at the time of his affair. She was in the Western US. He made up a conference that he had been invited to attend. Was supposed to be for 2 weeks but ended up being 6. <P>I won't go into the details because it is a very convoluted series of events. But he did stay in touch with her for another 2 months. It wasn't until we were on the airplane, moving to FL, that he realised that his whole world was going to fall apart if he continued<BR>with he relationship with her. <P>Personally I think LDR are a lot harder to let go of. They don't have any of the boring, mundane stuff that real relationships deal with everyday. It's so fantasy based that it is almost impossible to break. <P>It's been over a year since we truly started recovery and we are doing great. He started to tell me something about the OW not too long ago and he couldn't remember her name. So it is possible to recover from a LDR but until they snap out of fantasy mode, like in all affairs, not much is gonna happen.<P>I wish you the best and will be praying for you and your wife.<P>Jodi<BR>

J Willy,<P>My husband carried on a long distance afair for about 7 months. It started at work with a coworker who lives 1000 miles away. His job requires that he speak with this woman everyday to get his work schedule and job assignments (she is the AA to his boss). He revealed the affair to me one month after it started and there was one brief physical encounter. During the next 6 months he was home without ever really committing to me or our marriage. He held fast to his need to continue a "friendship" with this OW, even though he knew it caused me pain.<BR>I think in some ways the distance made things drag on a little longer, the fantasy life of "what if" never really went away.<BR>He still has to talk to her everyday and this is a very difficult thing for me to deal with even though he says he has committed to me and our marriage now. I don't know if it will ever be something I can be comfortable with.<P>If you want some insight into my H's attatchment to OW go to Read only section and do a search on Being A Better Arik or 2 soulmates<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited May 04, 2000).]

I think it is true that LDRs are even more fantasy like than other affairs.<P>My h had both the email, calling, online chats, etc; and managed to get down to Brazil every two weeks between August and October. Then he wanted a long weekend with her. Funny it was after that, after spending some real live time, he decided to end it.<P>He met her on an airplane and looked her up one night. The emotional involvement /withdrawal really surprised me considering how little he knew her. It really is true about the fantasy nature and addiction of all this.<P>What I am experimenting with now is that great marriages should also have a strong fantasy like quality to them. At first I wanted him to end the travel job. Instead, I've rearranged my life and am trying a crazy lifestyle. I have been away from home more than at home this year, going with him with kids and without kids.<P>I was looking at all I was giving up to do this. But, heck, it's quite a life! San Francisco, NY, Buenos Aires, now I'm the one being wined and dined instead of insisting on staying at home holding the fort.