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Joined: Mar 2000
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Reina Offline OP
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<BR>Alright here is what happened....<P>I had a relapse with the OM and I have been too embarassed and ashamed to post on the board about it.<P>To recap the situation-- The OM broke it off with me and was total jerk about it. Which was for the best because at the time I was so far into fantasy land that there was no way I could have seen through the fog.<P>So I had no contact with him for 3 weeks and I had told myself that I never wanted to see him again. I was getting alot of help from this board (thanks guys) and I was felling really confident about my marriage.<P>I was really excited about moving on and H and I were getting along really well. I saw how disgusting the whole affair really was and how much more pain that it brought than happiness. Everything was going really well I thought.<P>Then one day I received an email from OM stating that he would be dropping by my place of employment. Well I didn't know how to respond becuase I wanted no contact with him. I didn't want to call him because I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't email him back becuase he was on the road. I couldn't leave a message because he is a cell phone junkie and always answers.<P>So my solution was when he came to my work I would just simply tell him that he needed to leave and that would be the end of it.<P>Well heres what happened.......<P>OM came by and I was courtious but very short and cold with him. I told him that I was glad he had broke it off and that I finally "woke up" and asked myself what the heck I was doing. That I was becoming someone else and it was so different than my true personality. I also stated that I was working on my marriage and just moving on.<P>Well he left and I felt sooo good I felt like I handled the situation great that finally "I" was in control and "I" just said NO! However, I forgot one small detail, the part where you say "Never come around me again and to please not contact me" thats where I messed up!<P>I think he took what I said as "lets be friends" SO anyway he decided to come to my place of employment the next day.And that is where I lost control I dove in head first withoout even thinking. He brought on that charm and I fell for it again!! How stupid can I be? How did I let this happen ? I had come so far in getting past all this.<P>Everything was so surreal like I was moving in slow motion. So I had to go through all the shame and guilt all over again. Why do I do this to myself? this just proves how addicting this is . It is really so insane that this could have so much power over me.<P>The OM started coming to my work once a week for the past month. Yes I'm an idiot I fell for it everytime! What upsets me is that my intuition was telling me "he is using you, he will burn you again" why did I not listen to that? You see we would not have any contact whatsoever I mean no phone calls no emails he would just show up and that would be it.<P>I will admit that it was more physical than emotional.The kind of hold he had on me like I was in some sort of trance I just couldn't say "NO" I mean what kind of person couldn't see that he was basically using me for sex? At the time I was like no way there is something more here I just know it.<P>Then he did it again......<P>O.K. he came into my work again but this time it was different he was very distant and stand offish. Like I would be standing there right next to him trying to engage in conversation and his back would be turned to me talking to his male friend. He informed me that it was "guys night out" which was fine to me but atleast give me some commom courtesy manners. He didn't say goodbye or anything it was like I never mattered and that I was annoying him.<P>Then later on he came back to my work with is male friend and didn't even look at me!! HE is standing right in front of me and doesn't even acknowledge my presense! Talk about a jerk I am so hurt that he acted this way.<P>It's like if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me FINE!<BR>but atleast give me the respect of a human being and tell me so. I was so upset I can't believe that I shead real tears for this@##&%$$!!!!!! How could I have let myself fall for that bull____ again??? I am so angry at my self I just want to hit him that is how hostile I am right now.<P>Well I wasn't going to let him have the last word so I finally called his cell phone and imagine this-- he had is darn answering service on for like the first time ever!!!!<P>So I left him a message saying " I didn't know what his problem was and that I didn't appreciate his behavoir and I will not tolerate it and that if this was how he was going to act to stay away from me, All I ever asked for was a little respect and it wasn't right !! it was something like that I was so angry at the time that I can't remember all the details. In a way though I was hoping he would call me back because I want an explaination for his behavior. I have never done anything bad or said an unkind word to him for him to treat me this way.<P>Am I so wrong for wanting a reason???? <P>So the lesson out of all this is how stupid could I be for letting him do that to me NOT once but TWICE!!!! That is what makes so so angry and I'm so hurt and humiiated that I could let this happen. Well I guess I have really learned the hard way and I guess it serves me right for all the heartless things I ahve done to my H.<P>He is really a wonderful man and I am so ashamed of what I have done. I want to just put all of this behind me and really focus on my marriage. I know that we have problems otherwise I would not have had an affair.<P>I apologize for not posting about my actions earlier and everyone here would have talked some sense into to me why didn't I do it??<P>I guess that fantasyland thing really keeps a tight grip. Like I said and I don't want to make this post any longer I just really want to focus on my marriage because I knoe deep down that it's a good thing.<P>Just why does all of this hurt so much??<BR>Thanks for reading this long post I just need some TLC.<P>Reina

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I am sorry that this happened to you.<P>The important thing is to get back up on the bicycle and ride again.<P>Focus on your relationship with your husband. Come clean with what you have done and ask for forgiveness.<P>Good Luck to you

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Reina,<P>I read your post and all I could think of was: the only thing bothering you is that the OM is treating you like a jerk. It is obvious why your marriage has problems, you do not know what marriage is. <P>You are OK with this affair as long as OM is not a jerk about it. Only then according to your post do you feel hurt and used. But your H isn't even in the picture is he? <P>At the very end of the post you say you guess you really ought to work on your marriage. It is in trouble that is why you are having the affair. Usually, I would agree with your statement, but it is obvious that you really don't think about your H at all. <P>That is really good reason why your marriage is in trouble.<P>Reina, you are not going to save your marriage if your H is the after thought when your OM dumps you. It would seem that you really don't know what marriage is. <P>I know you have been here before and I may have responded to you, but please read the material here and get an understanding what the institution of marriage really is. <P>It isn't something to do when nothing better is going on.<P>I am glad you are here and I am certain others will give you good advice. My advice to you is to back up and realize what you are doing to another human being; your H. Your feelings are hurt when the OM ignores you, just imagine how your H feels when you cheat on him.<P>Do both of you a favor and get serious about rebuilding your marriage. Lose the OM and learn from all that is here.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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{{{{{{{{{{<B>Reina</B>}}}}}}}}},<P>You are doing better than you think...<P>...you broke it off <B>on your own!!!</B><P>...even without the support of the people here on the forum!<P>Be proud of yourself!!!<BR>I'm proud of you!!!<P>Just do remember <B>NO CONTACT</B> means just that... <B>NO CONTACT</B>!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

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Just Learning<P>I would just like to state that I don't think it is really fair for you to say that "I don't know what marriage is and that the affair is "OK" as long as OM isn't being a jerk.<P>I always knew that it was wrong and I wanted to end it so many times. My whole point of the post was show how addictive it is to be in an affair. You don't seem to understand that while you are doing it you are so far gone in a fog that you can't see the reality of whats happening/<P>You make it sound like I don't care about my H and all and that I "guess" I'll work on the marriage.When that is not the case at all. I want my marriage to work so bad I wish that this had never happened I wish that I had not gone outside my marriage to fix it!!<P>Do you know how hard it is to look at myself everyday sometimes it is so disgusting. I am usually such an honest and humble person and for me to have acted this way--so heartless and decietful just kills me.<P>I wrote this post to vent I am hurting I am in withdrawal> I did not come here to be bashed and to be told that I don't know what marriage is. If I didn't care at all I wouldn't be on this sight.<P>I am very ashamed and sorry for what I have done. I love my H very much I have learned from this experience that it is so not worth having an affair. <P>I do not think of my H as second choice he has always been first but for a long time our marriage was suffering affection and attention. We were on that "roomate" cycle. We would never sit down and converse with eachother about how we felt. So it just kept esculating.<P>I turned to a man that that filled that void and if I could go back I would have never have done it.I now realize what a jerk is was and how vulneralble I was.<P>You say that I am hurt about the OM hurting me and that I should have been thinking about me hurting my H well...Your absolutely right I can't deny, that but you have to understand that when you are in that frame of mind "THE FOG" your not thinking clearly. All you think about is youself and your own feelings<P>That is the syndrome of a betrayer and it is horrible. I hate the fact that I am labeled as so. <P>I am determined to work on my marriage I just came here to vent<P>Reina

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Reina,<P>As painful as it is, it's good that you got to see the OM's true colors. Perhaps that will help to clear the fog a little - once the pain subsides, that is.<P>

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Hang in there woman.... I had a slip up myself a few months ago... but it was just that... a slip up... and it will not happen again. I know that because of how I felt afterwards... and how things are going now... <P>The circumstances are a little the same since the OM came to my home uninvited and surprised me. I was caught off guard and definitely not mentally prepared to deal with it...<P>Because I was afraid of anyone seeing him at my home, I panicked and invited him to meet me somewhere else (A parking lot) to discuss what the HE!! he was doing here (just as he hoped I would...)and what it was that was so urgent that "He needed to talk to me about!" to show up unannounced like he did.. <P>Needless to say, he made me all emotional and I cried and he comforted me and then... we went for a ride and it was too late... I learned a very hard lesson that day... I felt like you do now... but for different reasons.... but I felt the shame and guilt that you do... (that mistake was the 1 time I was with him within the last 6 months..)<P>That is the point of NO CONTACT! I was strong when I wasn't in touch with OM... and you were strong when you weren't in touch with OM... If you find yourself face to face with him... that is going to weaken you... Now you have to get back there again and be dedicated to saving your marriage... <P>If you talk to him, he is going to SMOOTHLY explain his actions and make you feel like crap! "OH, I was just playing it cool and trying not to make anything look suspicious... " or something to that effect. Then... It will be one spoonful of crap after another... do you really want to go there again? <P>By not accepting his calls or e-mails, you will not be subjecting yourself to the outrageous explanation that he is going to throw at you and therefore, you will not be accepting any apology that is going to weaken you even more...<P>So get back up on the Wagon! You have learned from this and now you know you have to hang on a little tighter...<P>Your OM sounds like mine... Totally self confident and smooth talking and always determined to get his way... Sort of scares me.... You don't live in UTAH do you?<P>Hang in there... and good luck to you....<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited May 08, 2000).]

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Reina:<P>I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. I know that you have felt embarrassed and ashamed. I've been there, too.<P>I am fortunate because my OM lives in a different state. I would have to purchase a plane ticket to see him. So, I haven't been faced with the constant temptation of having a secret rendezvous, etc. I feel pretty sure that if my OM lived here in the same town or same state that I would've "fallen off the wagon" at some point. Early in my own withdrawal phase, I almost purchased another plane ticket to go and meet him a second time! You're not alone. The withdrawal phase is difficult. Hang in there! You sound like you want to work on your marriage, and you sound like you realize that seeing the OM again was a HUGE mistake.<P>I'm not going to beat you over the head because it sounds like you've done that on your own. I feel terrible that you felt so humiliated and guilt-ridden about what you had done that you felt like you couldn't even post here. Good grief! We've all done things that we're ashamed of...the last time I checked, there was not one perfect person posting on this board. So, don't be afraid. Sure, you won't always get the kind responses that you want to get, but that's America...free speech. Take the responses for what they're worth and ask yourself if those unkind words apply to you. If the words DO apply to you, work hard to change that. If you know for a fact that you are undeserving of unkind words, then, ignore the reply, okay? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>You'll be alright.<P>Jill

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Reina,<P>My purpose was not to blast you but to encourage you to see through the fog. Do you remember your first post here? I believe it addressed the fact that you were mad because your OM dumped you before you could dump him.<P>It is painful to go through what you are going through. But please read what you have written on this thread and tell me how I could have come to any other conclusion about your sense of marriage. THat is the point, you may feel that your marriage is important, and you are very sorry for what you have done, but you don't act like your marriage is important. All of the "I'm sorries" in the world will not repair what you are doing to your H and yourself again with this renewed contact.<P>Yes, I am being blunt. But it is not to hurt you, but for you to get mad and see what you are doing. Only you can change things. Your H cannot change you and your OM cannot change you. You saw him again and then again, and if I am reading this correctly you got physical with him again. You are mad because he is acting like a jerk. But no matter how he acted, you are the one being used in the relationship and you know it. Worse your H knows it.<P>Yes, you are in the middle of this addiction and yes you are in withdrawl ( I hope), but you do see what you are doing and you are not using your resources to stop this affair. <P>I am guessing that you are not really working with your H to stop this, you have not been posting here, and you didn't indicate if you were in counseling. So, the question is : what is it you are going to do? <P>You said: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am very ashamed and sorry for what I have done. I love my H very much I have learned from this experience that it is so not worth having an affair. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>But when are you doing to act on this lesson you learned? You see your first post to this thread indicated that you are still in contact with OM and that you really haven't backed off of this affair.<P>Yes, it is hard to be in this fog. Yes, it is hard to face yourself, but only you can change who you are looking at in the mirror.<P>This post is blunt, but it seems to me that that the people here don't need to be in Plan A. We are trying to get you to see what you are saying and doing.<P>So please reread your post. Then think about it and then tell yourself (and us if you like), why I should think that you do understand the concept of marriage from what you have written. <P>I understand that you are venting, but use this vent constructively. Examine your vent and see what there is to be learned about yourself. If you do that then please start acting on what you KNOW and what you know to be right.<P>Part of you illusion is that you trying, but it is clear that your resolve is weak at this point. As I said use your vent to your advantage.<P>We all want to see you make your marriage work. We all want to see you come to grips with yourself and become someone you are happy with. But that does not mean that the blunt observations cannot be made to you. The purpose is to wake you up and maybe even make you mad. The purpose is not to put you down. That you and OM are taking care of without my help.<P>Keep posting Reina and keep reading your own posts. They will tell you alot, maybe more than we can tell you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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Reina--past betrayer here, plus I had an EA after my H's affair which started 2 years ago. <P>Yes there is fog, but you made the decisions that led you into the fog. You were on track...and then as you said, you "dove in head first without thinking". Now you know that you have to think ALL the time and you can't allow those "foggy" thoughts. I know sometimes it is difficult to express oneself in a post and sometimes a statement reads wrong.<P>Now of course, this is all hindsight, but:<P>He let you know he was coming, you chose not to tell him not to through email or the phone which are both much easier to handle than a face to face conversation because you can write out what you want to say, it and end the contact. You can't always do that in person...you can walk away, he might follow after you...<P>You made real contact possible. That was not fog, that was a decision, your reasons in your post show you thought it out.<P>Then he treats you badly and you leave some hideous message on his machine? Ok, that's reactive "fog". You asked this man for respect, Reina, you're a married woman fooling around...the best spin I can put on this is that he was practicing discretion--that would be respect for you in your work environment, or do you want people to know of your relationship?<P>Your description of what went on with the OM, could be indicative of what went wrong in your perception of your husband.<P>This might sound like a crazy recommendation, but read the book THE RULES, or better yet THE RULES II by Fein & Schneider which deals with marriage or MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS by Gray or WHAT MEN DON'T WANT WOMEN TO KNOW by Smith & Doe. Men & women simply think differently.<P>I know you need TLC. I couldn't post much during my EA either, because I knew people would say to end it...and they did say exactly that when I finally did post, still rather fogged over myself.<P>The affair has to end for your marriage to have any hope and you have to say it, mean it and act on the fact that it has ended each and every time you see the OM. My H went back to his OW 3-4 times during 18 months. It was brutal and the last time he wanted to come back, I wouldn't let him, despite my having done Plan A for 18 months. We're still separated. You can lose your H.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10

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Lor,<P>Nicely stated! You did a much better job of this than I have done. I hope Reina listens to you.<P>JL

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Thanks to you all for all your replies<P>Lacee <BR> No he is not from Utah LOL!!!!<BR>and you are so right about the NO CONTACT rule. I was so strong for those 3 weeks when I didn't talk to him and I guess looking back I think I was still in withdrawal. I thought I was strong enough to handle the situation but obviously I wasn't. And NO I will not listen to his crap again bacause hopefully I will never have to deal with him again.<P>Jill<BR>I am so glad to be writing to you. I have read your post and we seem to be going through alot of the same things.What is so weird is that the OM lives in another state also, but there is always some reason that he has to come to my town. And it was always reasons other than to see me - so he always had some "excuse why he was in town" Yes I know that some posts are not what we want to hear and I am so open to constructive critisim but sometimes people don't see what your trying to say. However I feel as though you understood it well and I thank you for your advice. Marriage is alot of work and we all make mistakes and hopefully we will learn from them. I try not to be so hard on myself but sometimes I can't help it because I can't justify my actions they were wrong and I am trying so hard to get back to that road of recovery. I know what better way to do that is with my H. We will get through this I do have faith and I pray often.I know that everything happens for a reason but why this happened to me hopefully I will find out someday.<P>Lor and Just learning<BR>I understand what you guys are saying. I put myself in a situation that I thought I could handle and I couldn't. I allowed myself to be subjected to the OM. Maybe deep down there was a part of me that wanted to see him maybe have some closure. But I always knew it was wrong. I wish I would have acted apropriately but I didn't. As far as my past post my first post was really embarrassing and it came out so wrong. I was new to the sight and nervous and I didn't realize what a deep impact it would have on me. I have found alot of comfort here as well as alot of disagreement. I made the mistake of looking else where but my H to fix my marriage. As far as counseling no I have not done that. And what am I going to do well I'm going to try again and use the resources that I learned here and really use them this time. I don't want to become that selfish person again who could hurt so many people just for a few moments of pleasure. My H ,My inlaws,my family. I really tried to get back on track with H I just "stubbed my toe" I know that he is right for me only this time we will fix things togther "inside" our marriage. It will be work for both us and I am so willing to try. Anyways I will keep posting here and give you guys updates of my progress.<P>Reina

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Sounds like it is high time for you and H to compose and send the snailmail NO CONTACT letter to OM. Even if he was a jerk. Even if he broke off again first. Even if you don't want to break off. Should have done the letter months ago. Just to clarify things, don't you think?

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Karenna<P>I really and truly want to end it. I do not want this pain and frustration anymore. I want it so past behind me that it is too far to look back at. I've always deep down wanted to end it maybe that is not clear enogh in my post. Yes he dumped me and I'm actually glad he did. I guess you just always hope for that "Natural Death" and not his dramatic episode of humiliation. And I also want to add that although I am hurt about how OM treated me however I am more hurt my own actions that I betrayed my H. I am more hurt that I hurt him as I did. When I look at him and know what I did hurts me more than what OM could have ever done to me. Just had to get that out.

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OKAY, who doesn't ever fall off the wagon with an addiction at one time or another? Well, we all have. The 3 week point is absolutely awful. Get past it, stay busy, read, exercise, disconnect your phone, don't check your e-mail. About the 5 week, all will seem so far in the past.<P>I had no choice in the NO Contact, recontact situation. OM contacted me. Followed me, wantd answers. The letter helped. But, then he wanted answers. So I gave him answers, but he still hasn't totally respected my wishes. but i also have an advantage, I am moving in 5 days. No more contact at least for a long time.<P>Stay strong. do not be so hard on your self. Pick yourself up and go on. It can be done. But do read allyou can on marriage. It definetly is a two way street.<P>good luck,<BR>mercy

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Thank you Mercy!!!!!!<P>I'm so glad your still posting/replying here.<P>Reina


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